I’m 31 and I’ve found myself very attracted to a 23-year-old man. Everything is going well – we have amazing chemistry – but my friends disapprove, and keep reminding me that my clock is ticking and I shouldn’t waste my time on a relationship they say will probably go nowhere. I really think I’m falling for him. Help!
There are so many directions life can take and, while I know your friends care about you and your long-term fulfilment, there is also something to be said about perfect timing for you. I got married and had my first child at 36, so I am not one to say hurry. But in the same breath, I can say that biological clocks are something to consider.
Have you had visions of having a child? Many children? If so, then jumping into that mindset sooner rather than later might be a good idea. I am also aware that some younger men envision themselves as young fathers and wouldn’t think twice if they found the right partner.
I have always snuck in a casual question on early dates – “Do you see yourself as a dad at any point?” – and noted the answer. This is not something you can always work out later. In fact, to my mind, this is one of the top 10 important questions to ask before falling too deeply in love.
It may help to divide your dating life into three categories: 1) flings (this requires staving off the bonding that happens with oxytocin, so be careful); 2) boyfriends (these can last anywhere from two to three years, and the breakups are not the most fun); and 3) husband or long-term-commitment material. Number three is for when you are ready for the deep dive; and perhaps for when you are ready for children.
I have had some serious fun in the first two categories. And the third has been a huge payoff, maybe because I enjoyed the first two so much. (Well, maybe not the breakups.) All this is to say that only you can know what stage or phase you are in, and when or if you want children at all. (Some of my friends wanted children only if they met the right person, and were happy not having children because they didn’t meet this person in their child-bearing years.) Whatever you choose, I wish you great fulfilment and a ton of fun.
• Alanis Morissette’s podcast is available at iTunes and at alanis.com. Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to Alanis Morissette at askalanis@theguardian.com
