Ashley Cole

"The venerable Mr Cole’s latest literary offering can be found in the Fine Art section of all good bookshops," chuckles Sean Kearney. Photograph: /x

What could Will Taylor be driving at? Photograph: /x

"I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with Ashley Cole's endless bleating," writes Morgan Jones, who clearly knows how to tick the Gallery's boxes. Anything involving livestock always gets bonus points, particularly efforts including chunky ovine versions of Frank Lampard. Photograph: /x

"Ashley often mused over the poverty and desolation narrowly escaped in turning down Arsenal’s final pay offer and getting the hell out of there," parps Laura Gladney, riffing on north London's pain. Photograph: /x

John Barry reckons that "Cheryl has finally found a way to keep an eye on little Ashley's behaviour". Photograph: /x