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The Guardian - AU
The Guardian - AU
Sport
Jonathan Howcroft

Ashes 2021-22: Australia thrash England by nine wickets in the first Test – as it happened

Nathan Lyon
Nathan Lyon took his 400th Test wicket as Australia hammered England on day four of the opening Ashes Test at the Gabba. Photograph: Jono Searle/EPA

Summary

I think that will do for now on here. Stay tuned for insight from Geoff Lemon, Ali Martin, Andy Bull, and The Final World Daily podcast crew.

Thanks for your company today. As usual, it was a blast.

Catch you next week in Adelaide.

On player of the match Travis Head:

He can take the game away from win within a couple of hours. Seen him do it for South Australia. Our - everything we say to Trav is go out and play your own way. He’s still young, 45 now. Old pro, the amount of first class cricket he’s played.

On Josh Hazlewood’s fitness:

He’s a bit sore yesterday. So we’re trying to get him through. It’s a five taste Test match series. Didn’t want to break him today. Pulled him up OK today.

On David Warner’s fitness:

He’s fine. Didn’t want to risk him. He’s fine. Didn’t want to risk him. Right for Adelaide.

Now it’s time for Pat Cummins for his debut postmatch presser as skipper...

First of all really enjoyed it. Lot of things did go right from probably the toss. Overcast conditions. Wicket had a bit in it. Turned up Day 2 and blue skies. Someone was smiling over me. Really proud of everyone. I thought it was a really complete performance. The bowlers did their thing on Day 1. Marnus and David big partnership. All the way Trav, that’s a blueprint. Sign of really positive side. Really proud of everyone.

I was really happy with how everyone stuck to it. I thought we bowled without much luck yesterday. Probably fair the amount of luck we got on Day 2. Everyone was really good. Really positive. Turned up today. Knowing we’re were ahead of the game. Didn’t think too much about trying to get the breakthrough.

Any positives?

There are a lot of good things to take from this game. And I think most importantly that bowling effort, as you say we created a huge amount of chances.We were on the wrong side of the weather breaks and 2.5 hour session up for the second morning. Made it quite difficult to keep the bowlers fresh and keep coming back. These things happen. You have to learn from these games like this. You become stronger for it. It’s what we’ll do ahead of the series.

On the remainder of the series...

As you know with five match series it’s important we don’t just feel too sorry for ourselves aft back of this. More than anything we have to remember there’s a huge amount of cricket to play. We should relish that challenge. Relish the opportunity to go out there and try and get back one on the ball for ourselves.

On Jack Leach getting some tap...

If anything that falls on me for giving him too aggressive fields early. Not letting him settle in. And giving him a chance early on. Jack is a fine spinner.He have shown over the 20 odd Test Matches he’s played he’s an instrumental part of the team. He’ll play a big part in the series moving forward.

Asked about his team selection (no Broad or Anderson)...

Easy to look back in hindsight. One thing we wanted is variation in our attack. We wanted to change the pace of the game. Move through different gears throughout the innings. And it’s easy to say in hindsight. If I’m being honest, we can’t create as many chances as we did and put it down. Our bowlers were excellent. Huge amount of times we banged out the areas that we wanted to on this wicket. We have to be better on the field. Similarly with the bat, 40 for four is not a position we want to start. We know where we need to improve. We know we need to get better. The way we responded in the second innings showed a great amount of character and fight which we’ll need throughout the series.

Joe Root:

We worked hard to get ourselves back in the game last night. We knew how important the first session was. We knew if we got to the new ball unscathed and carried the game forward we would have given ourselves an opportunity which would have kept us in the game. We saw how the pitch developed through the day. Started to become uneven. Sideways movement and dents and cracks appearing. It’s a shame we couldn’t quite manage to get through that initial phase. Because it could have been very different.

Congratulations Australia. Dominant on days one, two, and four, and never allowed England’s ascendancy on day three to get out of hand.

Australia win by nine wickets

5.1 over: Australia 20-1 (Harris 9, Labuschagne 0) Target 20 - Wood comes on and is immediately driven square for four by Harris. Game over.

5th over: Australia 16-1 (Harris 5, Labuschagne 0) Target 20 - At least it’s not a 10-wicket defeat.

WICKET! Carey c Buttler b Robinson 9 (Australia 16-1)

Robinson is lucky to get a third over, and he invites Harris to time a short wide delivery through the covers for three, then he’s down the leg-side to both batters in an over lacking anything resembling conviction... until the final ball, which is on a classic new ball line and length across Carey and the makeshift opener feathers a catch behind.

4th over: Australia 11-0 (Carey 8, Harris 1) Target 20 - Woakes has found a lovely rhythm in his couple of overs, shaping the ball back into the left-handers at a decent clip. Carey is watchful to the good balls and throws his hands at anything hittable, earning two for his troubles.

3rd over: Australia 9-0 (Carey 6, Harris 1) Target 20 - Carey scampers a run that invites a shy at the non-striker’s end, then Harris has another unconvincing swish at Robinson. He gets off the mark eventually though with a half-volley on leg-stump flicked away for a single. Carey shows his intent with a clart over the covers for three. It wasn’t timed, but there was width to swing his willow and it landed very safely. Carey wanted a fourth run but Harris, who dawdled early, sent him back and Carey was almost caught stranded but Robinson makes an almighty mess of his duties at the bowler’s end.

Kim Thonger! It’s been a while, but always a pleasure to find you in my inbox. “I awake briefly and am appalled. At the risk of sounding Boycottesque, my Granny put up more of a fight when thieves tried to prize her rhubarb harvest from her. The Ashes should be cremated and we should ‘compete’ in future for the ashes of The Ashes.”

2nd over: Australia 3-0 (Carey 3, Harris 0) Target 20 - Chris Woakes finds some nice shape in the air into the left-handed Carey, but inevitably that leads to him straying onto the pads and being milked for a single. Harris struggles to his first delivery of the innings, Woakes again finding that swing into the left-hander, and England go to DRS appealing for LBW, but there’s a massive inside-edge.

1st over: Australia 2-0 (Carey 2, Harris 0) Target 20 - Australia off the mark with an Ollie Robinson no-ball - called on-field! You have to love cricket. It was so big an overstep, to be fair, it could have been called by third-man. The next delivery was also a massive no-ball, but not called. Carey doesn’t look completely at ease, and he’s beaten with a delivery that moves away from him and beats the outside edge, but he’s then off the mark with a single. 10% of the target achieved in one over.

The teams are back out after lunch, and David Warner is not opening for Australia. The honour falls to Alex Carey on debut.

“Is it a heat thing? An intensity thing? The one thing it definitely isn’t is a lack of prep thing cos we’ve seen this all before haven’t we?” asks Stephen Holliday.

My two cents - right now, England’s batting just isn’t very good, and Australia’s bowling attack is exceptional. It comes as little surprise to see England struggling to make runs, and their best chance in the series was always going to be around winning a couple of pink ball shootouts. As for longer-term / systemic issues, you’re better asking the ECB, because these scorecards are no longer a surprise.

Lunch

Eight wickets for 77 runs. To say that was Australia’s morning would be one heck of an understatement.

England arrived at the Gabba full of optimism but crumbled against the old ball, setting up a total collapse against the new. Australia bowled well, and Pat Cummins captained superbly, but the pitch was largely blameless and no batter faced an unplayable delivery.

Nathan Lyon got the 400 wicket monkey off his back, Cameron Green took a big step forward in his Test bowling career, Josh Hazlewood proved his fitness, and Alex Carey completed a polished debut.

Let the first Test post mortems begin...

England 297 all out - Australia require 20 to win

Formalities will conclude after lunch.

WICKET! Woakes c Carey b Green 16 (England 297)

Green, who bowled very well with the old ball earlier, returns, and he gets his reward! Heavy ball towards Woakes’ chest, the batsman rocking back trying to guide the ball to third-man, but all he can do is feather an edge to the safe hands of Carey. All over. A lead of just 19.

102nd over: England 296-9 (Woakes 15, Leach 0) That extra half-hour looked fanciful when Leach was posthumously late on a Lyon length delivery, but he survived, somehow.

This session that started 30 minutes early, may yet continue 30 minutes extra while Australia pursue this final English wicket.

WICKET! Wood b Lyon 6 (England 296-9)

Full from Lyon, Wood goes the big drive, misses, off stump rocks back. England nine down with a lead of just 18.

101st over: England 295-8 (Woakes 15, Wood 6) Starc again has Wood flinching at a short ball, but he gets his bat up in time to prevent any damage. Next ball the England bowler steps to leg to guide a premeditate shot over third-man for four.

In more hilarious, and very cricket, news for England, their over-rate was so slow on day two, they seem likely to be penalised World Test Championship points, despite being on course to lose a match with at least four sessions to spare.

100th over: England 291-8 (Woakes 15, Wood 2) Couple of singles from a nondescript Lyon over that seemed a touch hurried.

99th over: England 289-8 (Woakes 14, Wood 1) Starc continues, and while he doesn’t get a wicket, he has Wood hopping on his crease a couple of times with some aggressive bowling at the paceman’s body.

Absolutely. I’d say there’s little chance Warner will bat (or is eligible even after spending so long off the field). I doubt they’d risk an injury to a bowler though. If one of them strides out England will just send down nothing but bouncers.

98th over: England 286-8 (Woakes 11, Wood 0) Lyon had already demonstrated to Woakes earlier in the over that this pitch was showing signs of variable bounce. The attempted reverse sweep caught the outside edge and looped straight to Head at what was point. England *effectively* eight for eight.

WICKET! Robinson c Head b Lyon 8 (England 286-8)

England’s No 9 is now out reverse-sweeping an Australian bowler who earlier took his 400th Test wicket. It’s that kind of day.

97th over: England 282-7 (Woakes 11, Robinson 5) Mitchell Starc with another burst, but he over-pitches to begin with and Robinson bunts him down the ground for a well-timed three.

Ben Ellington has a question. “Now that we’re ahead, I can confess that I don’t mind losing by ten wickets. There is nothing in sport I can think of that is more humiliating than an innings defeat. But I’m open to fellow, insomniac sufferers suggestions of anything worse (in sports)?”

Double/triple-bagel in tennis? Matchplay golf defeat without winning a hole? Listening to Shane Warne talk about pizza toppings?

96th over: England 279-7 (Woakes 11, Robinson 2) Nathan Lyon is recalled to the attack, and Robinson swishes an unconvincing single into the leg-side to put England in front!

95th over: England 278-7 (Woakes 11, Robinson 1) Cummins is again a handful, but Woakes smuggles an edge through the cordon for four that brings the scores level. It’s all gravy for England from here.

“Why do you think England don’t have the patience of the Aussie bowlers?” asks Ruth Purdue. “They don’t seem to be as consistent and tend to get frustrated too quickly? They fear being driven at the Gabba? That’s what you want the batsman to try to do right? Am I being unfair?” I think there is an element of adjustment required in Australian conditions which has been tricky because of the absence of warm-up matches, and also the lack of pace and height of England’s seamers means they are at greater risk of being driven if they over-pitch. In this specific comparison, I think I would focus on the quality of Australia’s attack more than England’s deficiencies. This is a very very good seam lineup.

94th over: England 274-7 (Woakes 7, Robinson 1) This Hazlewood spell is now into its sixth over, and almost feels performative now, proving with every delivery that all the rumours of his fitness were greatly exaggerated. Again Robinson almost wears a shorter delivery, only just evading a bouncer in time.

93rd over: England 273-7 (Woakes 6, Robinson 1) Cummins is making the ball talk, hitting a length and having it spit towards Robinson’s gloves, then sending down a beautiful outswinger that Robinson almost ducks into! Robinson is all at sea. Cummins is remorseless, ripping a delivery right through the tailender that almost takes an inside-edge and bail on its way through to Carey.

92nd over: England 273-7 (Woakes 6, Robinson 1) Robinson is welcomed to the crease by a Hazlewood delivery that lifts off a length and flies past his outside edge. He trots to the safety of the non-striker’s end soon afterwards, allowing Woakes to counterpunch with a glorious backfoot drive, hitting the ball at the top of the bounce. Lovely cricket shot.

WICKET! Buttler c Carey b Hazlewood 23 (England 268-7)

Back of a length from Hazlewood, no footwork from the batsman, and Buttler just hangs his bat where an imaginary fifth stump would be. The ball clips the edge and Carey pouches the catch. The end is nigh.

Josh Hazlewood and Jos Buttler
Josh Hazlewood sends Jos Buttler on his way. Photograph: Matt Roberts - CA/Cricket Australia/Getty Images

Updated

91st over: England 268-6 (Buttler 23, Woakes 2) Cummins continues his excellent day and rips through Woakes with a delivery that looks destined to be a wicket one way or the other: bowled, caught behind or LBW, but it’s the merest fraction off all three. He then has the England No 8 flashing outside off stump and bringing the diving Green into place in the gully. A couple through the same region gets Woakes off the mark, but he does not yet have his eye in.

90th over: England 266-6 (Buttler 23, Woakes 0) Hazlewood has found his rhythm, and he almost does for Buttler who fences at a back-of-a-length delivery outside off.

89th over: England 266-6 (Buttler 23, Woakes 0) Pat Cummins certainly looks like a captain with the golden touch. This has been a dream debut as skipper. His returning over with the new ball came with extra impetus and intent. The delivery to Stokes was superb.

WICKET! Stokes c Green b Cummins 14 (England 266-6)

Pat Cummins brings himself back on and he immediately gives Buttler the hurry-up. The strike gets rotated, then Cummins does for Stokes. Quick, straight, length, just enough seam movement away from the left-hander and an awkward skew aimed towards mid-wicket ends up flying off the outside edge to Green in the gully. Australia celebrated like that was a plan coming together. England’s morning goes from bad to disastrous.

Ben Stokes
Ben Stokes studies his bat as he walks off. Photograph: Dave Hunt/AAP

Updated

88th over: England 265-5 (Stokes 14, Buttler 22) Full coverage back again - for now - and that allows us to witness a perfectly timed Buttler square drive from a length Hazlewood delivery. The Australian seamer does not look to be running through the crease at full pace. With only five wickets left to take (and Green looking in good nick) that shouldn’t overly matter any more.

87th over: England 260-5 (Stokes 14, Buttler 17) And that single fixed-camera is all we have, which means we are not behind Mitchell Starc’s arm as he bowls to Ben Stokes. It’s like the 1970s, the ball a blur as a hurtles towards the England batsman. Nope. Mid-over, that camera is a victim of the “massive power failure” and the picture goes down on Channel 7, while over on Fox there’s a wide low-angle that gives the effect of fielding at mid-off. England repelling the new ball for now, and they can have a breather while drinks are taken.

William Vignoles emails: “Can confirm that BT Sport have a single camera frantically trying to catch the action while Cook and Harmison desperately fill (Alastair just said “that’s a good shot, or did he miss it) - it’s all very village and surreal but you really get a sense of the terrifying speed of the bowling that the standard cameras obscure somewhat. Really should go to bed but it’s very compelling.”

Updated

86th over: England 256-5 (Stokes 13, Buttler 12) We have one camera back! It’s a sketchy one that makes it look like we’re watching a county game from 2007 on a go-pro, but it’s better than nothing.

Kev McMahon is also in attendance. “Hazlewood’s over produced a few ooohs from the crowd but nothing of substance. 5-260, Starc running in, weather clear, crowd happy...”

Updated

Geoff is at the Gabba, and this is our temporary workaround.

God bless Geoff, to the rescue.

85th over: England 252-5 (Stokes 13, Buttler 8) Apparently BT Sport in England have a boundary camera in operation, which is more than we have access to in Australia.

In the absence of cricket, Damian Clarke emails in, suggesting footballers are not as polite as cricketers. “Morning. I was in a lift with big John Bond once back in the day. I proffered him some advice about managing the Man City defence problems. He told me to F the F off. I got off at the next floor. Top bloke, scary when angry, but a top bloke nonetheless.”

84th over: England 250-5 (Stokes 13, Buttler 8) A maiden, apparently, from Hazlewood.

The Fox coverage has gone to a pre-record interview with Nathan Lyon.

Our first look at Josh Hazlewood - well, almost, because the coverage has dropped out on the host and world feed. It was fuzzy for a couple of overs, and now it’s gone completely. Alison Mitchell and Damien Fleming are filling, desperately, and now we’ve gone to an ad break in the middle of the over. Added to the DRS shambles, this has not been a great start to the series for technology.

83rd over: England 246-5 (Stokes 9, Buttler 8) The new ball is now taken, and it’s Mitchell Starc who will get first use of it. He begins with a hint of swing into the right-handed Buttler, from over the wicket, then he rips a thunderbolt past Stokes’ outside edge and continues to make batting look awkward for England’s talisman. Until the final delivery of the over that is, when Stokes throws his hands at the ball and creams a cover drive that thunders into the boundary rope.

82nd over: England 245-5 (Stokes 9, Buttler 7) Apologies, perhaps the new ball wasn’t taken after all. I was going off the TV commentators, but Lyon is continuing, which suggests the old ball remains in use. Ben Stokes goes back to that slog sweep stroke, and this time he connects, thwacking a four to cow corner.

More English cricket politeness via email.

“A few of us went to the Port Elizabeth test in 1999 where a young Andrew Flintoff got out slashing widely when, crowd consensus had it, he might have done better for the team by bedding-in,” opens Mal. “We were staying in the same hotel as both the England and SA teams and, as we found ourselves in a lift with Fred at the day’s end, my (somewhat ‘relaxed’) friend Steve insisted on repeatedly demonstrating a forward-defensive to the England all-rounder, explaining that this was the stroke he ought to have been playing when he got out. Flintoff was extraordinarily polite, thanking Steve for his guidance before we got out on the floor below his. Fred was dismissed for even less in the second innings, scoring more slowly too. Steve’s coaching career never really got going after that.”

81st over: England 240-5 (Stokes 5, Buttler 6) The new ball is available - and taken - but surprisingly, captain Cummins continues his faith in Cameron Green, entrusting the youngster to continue his superb spell with the old ball. And he’s nearly rewarded, with a back-of-a-length delivery that beats Buttler for pace.

Perhaps this early collapse is all part of the masterplan?

“On the plus side,” emails Paul, “having Stokes in early will improve our run rate and therefore allow us more time to bowl at them following our declaration...”

80th over: England 239-5 (Stokes 5, Buttler 5) Buttler does not look comfortable playing Lyon in conventional fashion, so he unfurls a whipcrack reverse sweet that rockets away for four. Terrific skill form both players.

“Given that we shan’t be able to witter on about the Doctor in Perth this time round, is there anything similar about Hobart?” Lots and lots of cutaways to little boats bobbing about on the river Derwent, John Starbuck.

79th over: England 234-5 (Stokes 5, Buttler 0) Excellent over from Green around the wicket to Stokes, full, on or around off-stump. This has been exactly the type of spell that should become the allrounder’s template.

78th over: England 234-5 (Stokes 5, Buttler 0) Pope was too busy to get going against Lyon and tried to cut a ball that was too full and too straight. His industry is a strength but this was not the right time to manipulate runs. Just for good measure Lyon does Buttler all ends up with the final delivery of the over.

WICKET! Pope c Smith b Lyon 4 (England 234-5)

Oh England, never change. Pope is the third to go this morning with a dreadful shot, trying to cut Lyon off the back foot and chopping a simple catch straight to Steve Smith at slip.

England fans - go to bed. Australian fans - go to the beach tomorrow.

Ollie Pope
Ollie Pope departs after being dismissed by Australia’s Nathan Lyon. Photograph: Patrick Hamilton/AFP/Getty Images

Updated

77th over: England 233-4 (Stokes 4, Pope 4) Pope off the mark with a gimme four down to fine-leg, not that Green will be overly concerned, still buoyed from his massive wicket. Now seven fifties, no tons, for Joe Root in Australia.

WICKET! Root c Carey b Green 89 (England 229-4)

Perfect outswinger from Green. Root nibbles, Carey holds. A delivery, nick, and catch seen thousands of times in cricket history. This version of the scene means England’s Test is all-but over and yesterday’s optimism has evaporated in seconds.

Australia’s Cameron Green celebrates after taking the wicket of England’s Joe Root.
Australia’s Cameron Green celebrates after taking the wicket of England’s Joe Root. Photograph: Tertius Pickard/AP

Updated

76th over: England 229-3 (Root 89, Stokes 4) Another over, another early single to Root, who has spent most of the morning at the non-striker’s end. Stokes then takes a wild slog sweep to Lyon that he is fortunate doesn’t catch an edge. The goat then hits Stokes’ pads twice in a row as the energy around the bat ramps up. Australia are as a effervescent this morning as they were flat yesterday afternoon.

75th over: England 228-3 (Root 88, Stokes 4) Just a two over spell from Cummins to start the day, and now it’s time for some dirty old ball overs from Cameron Green. Root keeps the scoreboard ticking over with a single, then Stokes is happy to acclimatise to the light with some sighters, until he jabs an angled bat at a shorter wide one that flies streakily to the third-man boundary.

74th over: England 223-3 (Root 87, Stokes 0) All that early English optimism evaporates in an instant. And it probably wouldn’t be too hyperbolic to now suggest this match rests on this partnership between England’s two best batters. Australia have the wicket before the new ball they so craved.

WICKET! Malan c Labuschagne b Lyon 82 (England 223-3)

That’s the crucial early breakthrough, and Lyon has 400! A nice over of flight from around the wicket to the left-hander, who was trying to use his feet, but on the fourth ball he doesn’t get to the pitch and a bat-pad prop forward lobs up to Labuschagne at short-leg. The goat is cock-a-hoop.

Nathan Lyon celebrates taking his 400th Test wicket.
Nathan Lyon celebrates taking his 400th Test wicket. Photograph: Chris Hyde/Getty Images

Updated

73rd over: England 223-2 (Malan 82, Root 87) Cummins persists with his angle of attack from around the wicket to Malan, who defends a couple, then rides the bounce for an easy single. The England captain then gets in line and defends some textbook line and length right-arm over from his Australian counterpart.

72nd over: England 222-2 (Malan 81, Root 87) Nathan Lyon, who bowled nicely yesterday for figures of 0/69, takes the old ball from the Vulture Street end. His first ball is nudged behind square by Root who is off the mark in typically busy fashion. Malan is untroubled and eventually beats the infield for a single from the final ball of the over.

Here’s the full story about Hobart securing the fifth Test:

71st over: England 220-2 (Malan 80, Root 86) Captain Cummins takes responsibility for the first over of the day. Just two slips and a gully for the skipper, and you can see why, with the first delivery staying very low wide outside Malan’s off stump. The right-arm paceman comes over the wicket for four deliveries, trying to angle the ball across the left-handed batter and draw him into an outside edge, then he switches around, targeting the pads. Malan is watchful and happy to see out a maiden.

Meanwhile, TV coverage focuses on Hazlewood’s warm-ups from earlier, which looked very ginger.

Right, let’s get down to business. The teams are out. Day four is about to begin. Huge first hour coming up.

Ok, so not all England internationals are unfailingly polite.

“Apropos your video of Norbert Philip, I was attendant at the B & H final of 1979, with my father (whose 107th birthday would have been today),” begins Peter Walker.

“At the lunch break, we had a wander around Lord’s, neither of us having been there before. As we walked behind the pavilion, who should turn up in his primrose yellow 3.5 litre hatchback Rover but Mr. J. M. Brearley, the then England captain. He clearly had business to attend to.

As soon as he emerged from his vehicle, he was surrounded by small boys with pencils and scraps of paper. ‘Sorry, boys, I’m not signing autographs today. It’s my day off.’ With that, he disappeared into a brick outbuilding, which had a sign on the door indicating that it was the Middlesex Club Office.

A short while later, he emerged, and the small boys surrounded him once again. A little more emphatically, but still with courtesy, he sad ‘No, lads! I am NOT signing autographs today. It’s my day off!’

As he climbed the steps at the back of the pavilion, I didn’t catch what the small boys said, but several hundred people thronged below heard the Great Man’s stentorian response: ‘You are rude little buggers! Sod off!’.”

Josh-watch 👀

Tom Bowtell has sent in a teasing email, underlining Joe Root’s Annus mirabilis. “Joe Root has so far taken infinitely more wickets than Nathan Lyon in this match. This confirms his status as the form off-spinner on either side:

Root in 2021: 113.3 overs, 11 wickets at 29.82
Lyon in 2021: 168 overs, 5 wickets at 88.20
(Root is also on course for an all-time great batting/bowling average difference for the year: currently 66.99 with bat and 29.81 with ball, so +37.18).”

ENGLISH SPINNERS CONTINUE TO BE POLITE IN PUBS SHOCKER!

Matthew Hayden - a Queenslander - reckons the pitch is at its best for batting today. “Absolutely perfect... there’s got to be some early breakthroughs or it could be a long day for Australia.”

Still no update on Hazlewood not bowling much yesterday. At this stage we have to presume it’s tactical.

It is a picture perfect day in southern Queensland: clear, dry, and with temperatures in the high 20s throughout. Here’s the deck:

Still on the trail of polite (or otherwise) cricketers. Dan Woodward emails: “In Keith Fletcher’s testimonial year my brother and I went far too far over the boundary at South Weald in pursuit of Nobby Phillip’s signature. ‘I’m playing a game boys’ he said. Kind man, still makes me blush.”

Breaking news: confirmation this morning that the fifth Test will be played in Hobart.

Hello, David Horn. “The absolute worst thing about Australia-based Ashes series is the fact that whatever happens by 9am completely colours your day. Up and down the country on Wednesday and Thursday, people were miserable. Grumpy breakfasts, tetchy workmates, unforgiving partners - quick to snap at bemused loved ones. But one partnership ... one fragile shaft of light ... and we’re all giddy. I’ve had a lovely day today. It’s been tip top. And it was destined to be just that, because of something that happened mostly while I slept. Hopefully the colour of Saturday will be similarly bright & cheerful.”

Time for a crickety remake?

If you ever wondered what Geoff Lemon’s prose sounds like in the author’s voice, here he is, alongside Adam Collins and Emma John as they discuss the day three action on The Final Word Ashes Daily podcast.

Graeme Swann’s urinal courtesy has really set you all off...

“On the subject of apologising cricketers,” emails Ben Mimmack, “Chris Tavaré apologised to me once when he was fielding at Hove because he said he said the captain didn’t want him signing autographs on the boundary. Graham Dilley did sign my scorecard though because he was a gentleman and clearly had no respect for authority.”

In other Ashes news, the fifth Test of the series, to replace the cancelled Perth Test, looks set to be played in Hobart.

Ben Carter has emailed in, “re: Paul Blakeman’s meeting at the toilet door with Graham Swann. It’s good Swanny was polite. As a seven-year-old, I ran onto the field at the start of a John Player League match between Gloucestershire and Northants, offering Mike Procter a pencil and a scrap of paper. He looked at me and growled, “F off, little boy! We are here to play cricket!”

Mike Procter is someone I would not have wanted to upset, back in the day.

“Hallelujah! One partnership, and the whole sodding winter cold dark freezing lockdown Omicron Christmas mess somehow feels like it might be bearable. I don’t care who wins. All I want for Christmas is as close to 25 days of stickball as possible, to take my mind off, well, everything else...”

Sentiments from Henry I’m sure many readers will agree with. All too often sport, and Ashes series in particular, become too crotchety and stressful to actually enjoy. Right now the best they can be is a distraction.

Geoff Lemon ensures Travis Head’s magnificent century doesn’t get lost amongst the noise of an England’s fightback.

If you were playing the Bat For Your Life sweepstakes, a player you would be terrified to draw would be Travis Head. A one-way ticket out of the Hunger Games for you. If Waugh epitomised obduracy, Head has epitomised looseness, constantly fiddling around off stump like a teenager who has just discovered the habit. He has hopped and chopped and prodded. Even his strike rotation to length balls uses an angled bat, risk where none is needed. He may not be the only player caught twice in a Test match off a top edge at deep third man, but they could probably fit in one carriage on a Ferris wheel.

Day four of the opening Test and already it’s impossible to be an England supporter.

Andy Bull rhapsodises about someone standing up alongside Joe Root for a change.

All of which is another way of saying that the man who may be England’s greatest-ever batsman is playing in what is probably England’s weakest-ever batting line-up. They have put on 32 fifty-run partnerships this year, Root has been involved in 20 of them. They’ve put on 10 hundred-run partnerships, and Root has been involved in eight of those. He has scored six centuries, his 24 teammates have managed one. The business of captaincy, selecting teams, switching bowlers, picking out fields, managing people and handling the press is enough of a burden without the back-breaking load of carrying such a deadweight batting unit.

“I’ve just had Graham Swann apologise to me in a Nottingham bar as we both tried to use the toilet door at the same time,” begins Paul Blakeman. “This has to be a Good Sign (™️) for the match. No cricketing celeb has ever spoken to me never mind apologised to me before. VICTORY IS ASSURED (Not a guarantee - no refunds). May be reaching a bit here but don’t we all feel this is in the air now? #OohTestCricket.”

Do do, du du, duh duh, boom boom...

*Very RuPaul voice*: “Brendan is coming down the runway flaunting some long-suffering England supporting realness.”

Thanks Dan, shantay you stay.

Updated

“Evening Jonathan,” good morning Sam Cope, and thank you for a pertinent email so early in the piece.

“The big question is, what’s going on with Josh Hazlewood? Was he a) being held back for the new ball, and will thus steam in in 15 overs time? Or b) injured. Meaning the Aussies are a man down, possibly for this innings and beyond? Or C) neither of the above, and he just had wind or something?”

According to Marnus Labuschagne: “Hoff is fine. We’re just making sure we prepare really well. We know there’s times at the Gabba where not as many wickets fall and to hold in that period and rotate our bowlers well.”

I guess we’ll find out in about 30-45 minutes after play resumes, but it certainly raised eyebrows yesterday, especially considering Hazlewood’s superb record against Root.

Josh Hazlewood
Josh Hazlewood walks off at the end of day three, curiously underbowled. Photograph: Albert Perez - CA/Cricket Australia/Getty Images

Missed anything yesterday? Here’s Ali Martin with his close-of-play report.

By stumps it felt as if their tour had finally begun in earnest. Root was unbeaten on 86 from 158 balls, fresh from overtaking Michael Vaughan’s record of 1,481 runs in a calendar year and smiling once more, while Malan was 80 not out from 177. England appeared to need snookers when 147 proved their maximum on day one but through the pair’s unbroken stand of 159, one that took the tourists to 220 for two, just 58 behind, the gloom had lifted.

Preamble

Hello everybody and welcome to live coverage of day four of the opening Test of the 2021-22 Ashes from the Gabba. The day’s opening delivery will be bowled on the stroke of 9.30am local time in Brisbane (10.30am AEDT / 11.30pm GMT).

It’s amazing what one good partnership can do isn’t it? From Watson and Crick decoding the mysteries of life, to Morecambe and Wise perfecting comic timing, and Mavis and Rita turning a Post Office into a theatre of the absurd (I don’t really know about that last example). To that list can now be added Joe Root and Dawid Malan, because their partnership has not only taken this match into a fourth day, it may well have saved an entire series.

At the end of day one - the first of a possible 25 stretching into the new year - England’s tour appeared all but over. An historic toss decision, a first ball calamity, and a routine collapse conspired to send the tourists staring at a defeat inside three days at the Gabbatoir. Day two brought no respite, and at 61-2 midway through day three, tickets for the weekend’s action seemed as irredeemable as one of the British government’s secret Santas. It was not an unfamiliar humiliation.

But then came a stand worth 159 runs - and counting - over 49 overs, between England’s outlier Root, and one of his colleagues who must find a way to hold up an end long enough for belief to emerge. That teammate happened to be Malan, whose laconic technique appears as suited to Australian conditions as anywhere in the world.

Australia should still win this match (WinViz gives them a 75% chance of doing so) but they will now have to earn it on a fourth, or possibly even fifth day. And Pat Cummins will have to answer the first questions of his captaincy, Nathan Lyon will have to continue his odyssey through the nervous 390s, and who knows, perhaps the hosts may yet have more Ben Stokes shaped demons to slay?

Thanks to yesterday’s partnership, England can take a modicum of confidence into the rest of the tour that, if the bowling attack continues to create opportunities as they did on day two, there may be enough runs in the batting lineup to make a fist of the series after all. I don’t really know, but that’s a damn sight better than being certain of calamity so early in the summer.

I’ll be back with more shortly, but if you would like to join in, you can reach me by email or Twitter (@JPHowcroft).

Australia need to get England a Root down and make inroads on the rest of a brittle batting order.
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