They probably won’t be healed by the time the chase comes around ...
Andy Bull on England’s failings ...
Geoff Lemon on bowling fast ....
Not what Jofra had envisaged ...
Vic Marks reports from Headingley ...
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57th over: Australia 171-6 (Labuschagne 53, Pattinson 2) There’s time for one more over, and it simply has to be bowled by Stokes. The crowd make a lot of noise but neither they, nor Stokes, can blow Labuschagne’s house down. He’s been immense, an understudy who has turned into Best Supporting Actor in the space of a week. England have stuck at it well but Australia lead by 283, which should be more than enough to win the match and retain the Ashes. Thanks for your company, your comments and your good humour, on another one of Those Days for English cricket.
56th over: Australia 170-6 (Labuschagne 52, Pattinson 2) Labuschagne spies a shortish one from Broad and shovels it into the shadows for two, to reach another fifty. Six days ago he had played no part in this series; now he’s got three fifties, and 185 runs for twice out. He’s been a revelation, as well as a pub-quiz question waiting to happen.
55th over: Australia 165-6 (Labuschagne 49, Pattinson 0) It’s STILL Stokes, who is now using cricket as practice for his next career, running super-marathons.
“I know this is definitely left-field,” says Ade Couper, “but how about Moeen for captain? Think he’s captained Worcs, certainly in the white-ball stuff, I think he might really take to the role?” Well, Ed Smith likes a bit of left-field...
54th over: Australia 164-6 (Labuschagne 48, Pattinson 0) Joy for Broad, who got a bit lucky there – the ball was going over the stumps. Maybe the gods have decided that this playing field needs a bit of levelling.
Wicket! Paine c Denly b Broad 0 (Australia 164-6)
Given out caught! There was an inside edge, which saved Paine from the LBW, but the ball had looped up to Denly in the gully, so he’s out anyway. Are England inching back into this game?
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Wicket!? Paine given LBW Broad
It’s full, it’s swinging in, it looks out...
53rd over: Australia 163-5 (Labuschagne 47, Paine 0) Before the wicket, Labuschagne played a chip for three, giving Archer a chance to stretch that cramped leg.
Wicket! Wade c Bairstow b Stokes 33 (Australia 163-5)
A breakthrough at last for Stokes, who flicks Wade’s glove as he plays no stroke. The relief is so great that Stokes sinks to the ground.
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52nd over: Australia 156-4 (Labuschagne 44, Wade 29) Another tidy over from Broad, but still no breakthrough. The gonly crumb of comfort for England fans is that Archer is back on the field, minus the limp.
“Who makes way for Smith’s return,” asks Matt Briody, “now that Labuschagne has cemented his place?” Harris or Khawaja – the Australian top order has been even worse than England’s. Or Paine could decide that, with the Ashes in the bag, his job is done, and give the gloves to Wade.
51st over: Australia 155-4 (Labuschagne 43, Wade 29) Time for another bowling change, and it’s... Stokes! Well, he’s had at least six minutes off. And straightaway, reversing it from round the wicket, he has Labuschagne dropped by Bairstow, who changes direction well but can’t cling on with one glove.
“Will no one think of the children??” askeds Geoffrey Smith, a little earlier. “How am I supposed to raise my 5yo to respect Test cricket as the ultimate sporting contest when England serve up this rubbish? I suppose I could console us both with the thought that on current form, he should be batting somewhere between 1 and 5 in this line-up.”
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50th over: Australia 154-4 (Labuschagne 42, Wade 29) Here is Broad, replacing the valiant Stokes. His speed is only about 82, but he’s still asking questions with his accuracy.
An update from England on Archer: it is cramp, and he’s receiving treatment.
“The problem with removing the captaincy from Root,” says John Starbuck, “is that the most wanted replacement, Morgan, is not fully fit for the longer game and may or may not continue with the shorter form next year. Who is the best county captain qualified as English enough?” Good question.
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49th over: Australia 153-4 (Labuschagne 41, Wade 29) Stokes is still on, which perhaps suggests that Broad is carrying a niggle. He’s getting some late swing, but finally conceding runs now – a pull for two, a glance for four as Woakes misfields at fine leg.
“Just cheered myself up,” says Guy Hornsby, “by wondering what this Test would’ve looked like without Jofra on the scene. The mind boggles. There’s always a lower point than the one you’re at with England!” That’s true. At least it’s not Brexit.
48th over: Australia 147-4 (Labuschagne 41, Wade 23) Woakes appeals for caught behind off Labuschagne, who again probably got his hip in the way, not his bat. When a full toss comes along, Labuschagne – who got out to one in the first innings – drives it for four, and that’s the fifty partnership. It feels like the final nail in England’s coffin. Is this, as Rob Smyth was saying during the Warner-Labuschagne mayhem yesterday, the end of days for Joe Root’s captaincy?
47th over: Australia 143-4 (Labuschagne 37, Wade 23) Stokes summons enough fire to strike Wade in the midriff (not a euphemism). He’s part of the way to atonement with admirable figures of 10.2-4-17-1.
“As a neutral,” says Sandile Xaso, “this game hasn’t been great. What is going on with Test batting? Every single batsman outside the venerable Labuschagne should be forced to watch a million hours of Kane Williamson. Even if they don’t have his talent, they can at least learn from his technique. Play the ball late, under the eyes, with the bat as close to the body as possible.”
46th over: Australia 142-4 (Labuschagne 37, Wade 23) Woakes gets one past the bat too. England have been better since Leach came off, but WinViz is giving Australia an 88% chance of the victory that will retain the Ashes.
“How crucial does that atrocious 70-run spell conceded in 10 overs yesterday look for England now?” asks Tom Dempster. “Australia were probably well above par with their score yesterday, given the conditions; England well below today. But 70 runs in the context of this game is absolutely huge. Not saying England would be in the driving seat, but the game (and the urn) is effectively gone now. Would have had a sniff without that terrible spell after tea yesterday.” Very true.
45th over: Australia 140-4 (Labuschagne 36, Wade 22) Stokes, straight back on because of Archer’s bout of cramp, is still giving his all. He finishes the over by getting Wade to swish at thin air outside off.
Review! Labuschagne caught behind off Stokes?
Labuschagne looks guilty, there seems to be a nick off the toe-end, but HawkEye shows... a no-ball.
44th over: Australia 138-4 (Labuschagne 35, Wade 22) Woakes keeps Labuschagne honest with a couple of LBW shouts, one just wide of off stump, the other just wide of leg.
Jon B is not happy with me. “Your reply to Crossy [42nd over] doesn’t make sense... ‘but Denly only survived for a while today because he kept not quite nicking it’. Perfect. If only he could have done it for longer. I wish we had more who could do this, tiring the Aussie bowlers and taking shine off the ball. Like Australia seem to be doing (Archer now got cramp?). It comes to something when you criticise (somewhat repeatedly in the OBO) our top scorer!” He may have got the top score, narrowly, but it was the scratchiest of innings.
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Mid-43rd over: Australia 133-4 (Labuschagne 32, Wade 22) Archer comes back on, delivers a few gentle dots – and goes off, limping, with what appears to be cramp. He and a few of his team-mates are smiling broadly, which suggests it’s nothing serious.
“Fans should not be too harsh on England for their Test performances,” says Shankar Mony. “The ECB set out to prioritise the white ball team, and they stuck to their word with a vengeance, pushing the County Championship to the margins. Surprise, surprise - not playing proper first-class cricket will affect the Test team. The team is not the problem, they are the product of a broken system. And with the plans for next year, the light at the end of the tunnel is the razzmatazz of the Hundred. England get such good crowds for Tests and these crowds are given such rubbish. It hurts me to watch Stokes bust his gut as he always done. All for nothing, I fear.”
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42nd over: Australia 133-4 (Labuschagne 32, Wade 22) Leach comes off and rightly so as, unlike at Lord’s, he didn’t manage a single maiden. But the change bears no fruit as Woakes serves up a gentle half-volley and gets smacked for four by the immovable Labuschagne. That’s drinks, with Australia laughing all the way to the urn.
“Contemplating a fightback (the impossible dream), and picking up on comments earlier,” says Jason Cross, “should Root promote Denly to 2 and drop Roy to 4? Denly has shown he can survive – even if he’s not making big runs, he’s doing the opener’s job of knocking the shine off the ball. Root can come in after an hour or so, and the opening bowlers have lost some of their vim and vigour, allowing him to settle and score… and (hopefully), by the time Roy sees the crease, the match situation allows him to express himself and perhaps accumulate some runs and confidence? And maybe England get a decent total – even if the run chase is beyond them?” I salute your optimism. Yes, Roy would make more sense at 4 – Pope even more so, now – but Denly only survived for a while today because he kept not quite nicking it.
41st over: Australia 128-4 (Labuschagne 27, Wade 22) Labuschagne clips Stokes for two. According to Sky, Stokes’ average speed today has been 87mph, making it his fastest spell in a home Test since 2015. And faster than Archer today (average 86mph). Stokes is busting a gut to atone for the rubbish he dished up yesterday and the near-wide he nicked this morning.
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40th over: Australia 124-4 (Labuschagne 25, Wade 22) Leach drops short, so Wade pulls him for four, then goes fuller and gets slog-swept for four more. Ten from the over, and Australia lead by 236. Come on Joe, do something.
39th over: Australia 114-4 (Labuschagne 24, Wade 13) “Butt not bat,” says Nasser Hussain. “There are other words for that,” says Isa Guha, with sudden primness for a promising young commentator. Meanwhile, Stokes jags one past Labuschagne’s outside edge.
Not out!
It flicked the thigh. The gods just don’t want England to regain the Ashes.
Wicket? Labuschagne c Bairstow b Stokes 23
Given, caught down the leg side, but reviewed instantly, and confidently,
Review! For LBW – Leach to Wade
Not given, and England are not sure, but they go for it anyway. And it’s umpire’s call, so Wade escapes.
37th over: Australia 111-4 (Labuschagne 23, Wade 11) Stokes tries some bouncers at Wade, who mixes a couple of good sways with an ungainly jerk of the head. Root needs to make about six things happen here: it can’t be long before Jofra has more than a watermelon in his hands.
36th over: Australia 111-4 (Labuschagne 23, Wade 11) A couple of singles off Leach, who’s been fine but nothing special since that explosive first ball. The only excitement in this over comes when a steward confiscates a giant inflatable watermelon, only for Jofra Archer to nick it off him and return it to the crowd, who chant “Arise Sir Jofra”.
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35th over: Australia 109-4 (Labuschagne 22, Wade 10) Stokes’s radar wobbles and Wade, who’s trying to blast his way out of his bad patch, on-drives him for four. This is the kind of game in which 10 is a pretty good score.
Before the wicket, Gary Naylor was on Twitter, saying this: “Will Paine declare tonight and have a little dart?” I assume that’s a joke.
34th over: Australia 104-4 (Labuschagne 21, Wade 6) Leach lets Labuschagne have a single so he can have a go at Wade, but with just a slip and a short leg, Root isn’t entirely backing him up. Wade sweeps, powerfully, and gets four rather than one as Denly misfields on the boundary; then he laps, gets a top-edge, and picks up a streaky two as the ball loops over Bairstow’s head.
33rd over: Australia 97-4 (Labuschagne 20, Wade 0) Success for Stokes, who has bowled infinitely better this afternoon than he did yesterday. He beats Wade outside off and keeps him on a pair. Wade’s Test scores in the past year make interesting reading: 5, 4, 8, 1, 110, 6, 1, 0 and now 0*.
Wicket! Head b Stokes 25 (Australia 97-4)
Out of nowhere, Stokes produces a yorker, which thuds into Head’s stumps. Can England conjure another collapse here?
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32nd over: Australia 97-3 (Labuschagne 20, Head 25) Frustrated by all these dots, Labuschagne goes down the track to Leach and clumps him over mid-on. It’s not off the middle but solid enough to go for four.
31st over: Australia 92-3 (Labuschagne 16, Head 24) Labuschagne is having a struggle here, scoring at less than a run every three balls. “Oh no!” he yells as he leaves a ball from Stokes and suddenly sees it swinging in, but it’s not doing enough to rattle the timber.
30th over: Australia 88-3 (Labuschagne 14, Head 23) Leach thinks he’s got Labuschagne LBW, but he’s well down the pitch and England run out of time before they can agree on whether to review. It never rains.
But here’s a lovely email from Harry Shannon. “I have lived in Canada for over 40 years, and don’t keep up with cricket (though I still have my copy of Peter May’s Book of Cricket) and haven’t watched it unless I’m back in the UK. So I am well aware of my ignorance. Still ... I’m puzzled that when I do see the scores in 50-over cricket, they seem to often be higher than scores in Test matches. Yet in Tests batsmen don’t have to take risks, so you’d expect they’d be able to build much higher scores. What am I missing?” The white balls, which don’t do much, whereas the Dukes, used in England, go round corners. But you’re right – it’s still bizarre how England keep racking more runs in 50 overs than when they’ve got all the time in the world.
29th over: Australia 88-3 (Labuschagne 14, Head 22) Stokes has been much better in this spell, but thanks to that strange slow-motion cock-up, he has nothing to show for it.
Dropped! Labuschagne (14) off Stokes by Root
A lifter, a straightforward nick... a fumble, another chance – and another fumble, off balance. Poor old Root.
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28th over: Australia 87-3 (Labuschagne 14, Head 21) A couple of singles off Leach.
“Oi oi,” says Laurent Baldoni. “Following up on yesterday’s question - and giddy with excitement at the thought of being ‘published’ two days running - can the extra overs given to the next days following lengthy rain delays be taken off again if it’s a ridiculously low-scoring game? Given our rather alarming knack of being skittled out for nothing, I’d wager a few people would love to see matches drag into a 4th day rather than play extra overs today and tomorrow.” It’s a good point. If England carry on being this bad, all sorts of cricketing conventions may have to be overturned.
27th over: Australia 85-3 (Labuschagne 13, Head 20) Root turns to Stokes, which is brave after yesterday afternoon, and is rewarded with a maiden to Head, who cops one somewhere near the box.
“Excellent coverage as always!” Thank you, Ray Chiverton. “What do the experts think will be an impossible target for England on this pitch and would they expect Australia to achieve the necessary total this innings? (Please don’t say 68!)“ Not sure I count as an expert, but ... Headingley is quite a wacky venue, feast then famine. In theory, on a third-day pitch, England should be able to chase 280. But there’s a mysterious gravity that drags teams down in the fourth innings of a Test, and England more than most. Somebody’s going to have to play Shai Hope, and it’s probably got to be Root himself, bouncing back after consecutive ducks.
26th over: Australia 85-3 (Labuschagne 13, Head 20) Head is hesitant at first, as if his mind is still on the Victoria sponge, but he squeezes Leach away for three. England have no problems here that can’t be fixed by a double hat-trick from Archer.
25th over: Australia 82-3 (Labuschagne 13, Head 17) Archer was just changing ends, reverting to the Kirkstall Lane end, where he took that six-for, all those hours ago. It’s uphill, but he’s used to that from Hove. His speed is down again, mid-80s, yet he still draws an edge from Head, well half-stopped by Stokes at third slip, and a play-and-miss from Labuschagne. And that’s tea, with Australia, after a wobble, leading by 194 and waltzing towards the Ashes.
24th over: Australia 81-3 (Labuschagne 13, Head 16) Root, who’s been more proactive in this innings, takes Archer off (7-2-15-0) and sends for Leach. These two played him well at Lord’s, when the heat was on, and they play him well here, picking off the singles.
23rd over: Australia 77-3 (Labuschagne 11, Head 14) Another of those half-volleys from Broad, who may well be knackered. Head waits till it’s under his nose and square-drives for four.
“On this wicket,” says Yum, “I’m sure James Vince would get a very stylish 3.”
22nd over: Australia 73-3 (Labuschagne 11, Head 10) Archer goes round the wicket to Labuschagne and rather loses his way, bowling short outside leg, when his field is still set for line’n’length. Labuschagne calmly glances him for four.
“In moments of despair like this,” says Adam Horridge, “it’s natural to look for any small positives. My current coping mechanism has been to pronounce Labuschagne in line with ‘Lasagne’. It may not solve our current predicament entirely but it’s helping. Marginal gains etc.”
21st over: Australia 67-3 (Labuschagne 7, Head 10) Just when England had the plug in, Broad gives Head a half-volley, which is eased away for four.
Here’s Tor Turner. “The most surprising statistic I have at the moment is that CricViz are still giving (at the time of writing) England a 22% chance of victory. I’d rate it far, far lower.” With you there, Tor. “In other news, I have tickets for Day 4 of this Test. The weather looks like it’s going to be excellent, but I’m also pretty sure the match is going to be over by then. My first ever chance to go to a men’s international test match, too.” I wouldn’t write it off just yet.
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20th over: Australia 61-3 (Labuschagne 6, Head 5) Archer is keeping the batsmen honest, but he’s not making things happen – yet. Labuschagne seems to have done something to irritate him, and by the end of the over the speed gun is up at 92, then 93.
“James Vince,” says Peter Rowntree, picking up on my parallel between Vince and Khawaja (14th over). “Vinny got 69 yesterday, playing in a T20 game for Hants – that’s more than the whole England team put together. Not advocating his return, but just saying...”
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19th over: Australia 60-3 (Labuschagne 6, Head 4) Broad lures Labuschagne into a play-and-miss as he gropes outside off. The next ball, also outside off, is a great big wide.
Christopher Davis is having some fun with today’s stats. “At 52-3, if you take out the partnership of 111 between Warner and Labuschagne, 22 wickets have fallen for 187 runs, at an average of 8.5.” Yes, the outlier was not the England innings, dismal though it was. The outlier was that hour after tea yesterday when Woakes and Stokes went for six an over. Stokes, after saving the game at Lord’s on Sunday, has done more than anyone to lose this one. He’s a phenomenal cricketer, but not a baffling choice as vice-captain.
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18th over: Australia 59-3 (Labuschagne 6, Head 4) Another single for Labuschagne, off Archer. England have to make things happen all the time now, so Root is summoning Broad.
17th over: Australia 58-3 (Labuschagne 5, Head 4) Labuschagne, who seems to have been born a senior player, works Woakes to leg for a single, and Travis Head gets off the dreaded pair with a firm clunk down the ground for four. Australia lead by 170, which may well be enough already.
“If England should somehow manage to limit the run chase to around 200,” asks Brendan Large, “would anyone in their right mind give England a chance of reaching it?”
16th over: Australia 53-3 (Labuschagne 4, Head 0) Archer starts with something that is either a rank loosener or a lateral thought – a slower ball, 79mph, but it’s outside Labuschagne’s leg stump. A straighter ball brings an LBW appeal as Labuschagne shuffles across, but it’s missing the leg bail. This game is hurtling along. After eight days as a Test cricketer, Archer may be yearning for the tranquillity of Twenty20.
15th over: Australia 52-3 (Labuschagne 4, Head 0) A wicket maiden for Woakes, beginning to redeem himself after that strangely terrible spell after tea yesterday. And heeeeere comes Jofra...
Wicket! Khawaja c Roy b Woakes 23 (Australia 52-3)
Khawaja wafts at Woakes and hands a simple catch to Roy at second slip. Straight from the school of Vince.
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14th over: Australia 52-2 (Khawaja 23, Labuschagne 4) Khawaja is an odd player, a stylist and a dud at the same time, like James Vince. He cover-drives Leach handsomely and even has the chutzpah to reverse-sweep (cleanly, but for no run). And then he plays and misses again.
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13th over: Australia 47-2 (Khawaja 18, Labuschagne 4) Woakes is warming up now, pitching the ball up and making it talk. He gets Khawaja edging, short of the slips, then missing as he plays outside the one that swings back in, and then edging again. This game is just one damn edge after another.
12th over: Australia 40-2 (Khawaja 11, Labuschagne 4) So Leach’s first ball takes a wicket, and his second goes for four as Marnus Labuschagne plays a gorgeous inside-out drive through the covers. If this was a school match – and the scores strongly suggest that it is – Labuschagne would be told to change sides to make a game of it.
Wicket!! Harris b Leach 19 (Australia 36-2)
Root turns to spin, and spin does the trick! Jack Leach’s first ball lands in the rough, sneaks through the gate and snuffs out a promising effort from Harris.
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11th over: Australia 36-1 (Harris 19, Khawaja 11) Woakes produces one jaffa, but Harris manages not to nick it. Khawaja, by the way, has become the second top-three batsman on either side to reach 100 runs for the series, which wouldn’t usually be worth writing home about. Root is on 99, from five innings; Warner 79 from six. Only Burns, with 235 from five, has coped.
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10th over: Australia 35-1 (Harris 18, Khawaja 11) The Australians are looking to attack, which is wise – they could snuff out England’s rather faint chances by the end of today. Harris sees a full wide one from Broad and slaps it for four, not far from backward point.
9th over: Australia 30-1 (Harris 13, Khawaja 11) Khawaja hooks Woakes, in the air, raising English hopes for a second, but it’s finer than fine leg and goes for a one-bounce four. Woakes retorts by beating the bat with some outswing to the left-hander. Australia already have a lead of 142: Ashes to Ashes.
8th over: Australia 26-1 (Harris 13, Khawaja 7) A maiden but no joy for Broad. He’s bowled very well in both innings, whereas Woakes and Stokes, after that horror show yesterday, are in the doghouse.
Review! For LBW, Broad to Harris
But it’s missing, doing too much. That review was like England’s day so far: bafflingly bad.
7th over: Australia 26-1 (Harris 13, Khawaja 7) Woakes replaces Archer, who hasn’t been quite right today. No surprise. There are exclamations as Harris edges through the cordon, but Harris was hanging back and playing that with some control.
Ok. I am also cooked after that frantic start to the day: “these first few desperate hours,” as the Mountain Goats would have it. I’m out, and Tim de Lisle is in. Kindly address your missives of triumph and despair to him from now on.
6th over: Australia 22-1 (Harris 10, Khawaja 6) Lovely from Khawaja, controlled square drive as he reaches for Broad’s overpitched ball and sends it to the fence. He picks up another single thereafter.
5th over: Australia 17-1 (Harris 10, Khawaja 1) Archer is bowling fast, but keeps losing it down the leg side. Khawaja ducks and evades. Bairstow lets a bye escape. Hard work keeping to this. Archer finally gets one right and is unplayable for one ball on off stump.
4th over: Australia 16-1 (Harris 10, Khawaja 1) Broad bowls full and Harris drives him down the ground for four, but the bowler soon hits back with a searching length that nearly takes the edge. He needs to produce another miracle for England, they need a Cape Town 2012 kind of third innings here. Khawaja off the mark with a glance.
As you might imagine, I’m being flooded with despondent emails at the moment, so forgive a relative lack of engagement on that front. The volume is at Spinal Tap levels.
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3rd over: Australia 11-1 (Harris 6, Khawaja 0) Archer must be absolutely cooked. Bowls a massive wide, then gets his line back on the stumps.
@GeoffLemonSport Archer is going to be knackered....how many times in a test match has anyone bowled more overs that the team scored runs?
— DNH (@DaveNHands) August 23, 2019
2nd over: Australia 10-1 (Harris 6, Khawaja 0) Broad angles the ball into the left-handed Khawaja for most of the over, who misses a couple into his pads and down the leg side. Not exactly the most threatening line though, yet.
WICKET! Warner lbw Broad 0 (Australia 10-1)
The collapso carries on! After four leg byes from Warner’s pad to fine leg, Broad angles a ball in and beats the inside edge. And I’m sorry to say that’s another poor display from umpire Joel Wilson. He was thinking the ball hit Warner outside the line I suspect, and didn’t give it. Then after Broad really shouted and went down on a knee and waved his arms, the umpire very belatedly popped his finger up. That’s not a display of confidence. Warner reviews, and the replay says... umpire’s call for impact on the pad, and hitting leg stump.
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1st over: Australia 6-0 (Harris 6, Warner 0) So after bowling Australia out yesterday, Archer is back bowling by this afternoon. Harris gets another chance after being thrown under the bus. He drives Archer through cover for four, then a brace. Happy days.
Here’s Tim with the revised total. Help us, Jeebus.
And now it's 110 for 18. Steady average of 6 @GeoffLemonSport
— Tim de Lisle (@TimdeLisle) August 23, 2019
Yes. Please.
Morgan captain. Cook to open. Maybe we could work KP in there somehow. One last job. The buddy movie that we all need.
— derek walmsley (@derekwalmsley) August 23, 2019
It’s hard to compute the scale of this disaster. All of that talk about England having the momentum and the best of Lord’s... I thought that was basically junk at the time, and did write in that vein. Test matches are really hard to win, and if you don’t take your chance when one arises, you can’t expect the next one to present itself.
Where to from here? Trevor Bayliss is already halfway out the door, and if ever a performance had the faint tang of airline food, this was it.
Root as captain can’t make runs and can’t get his troops going. Smith demolished him in terms of leading from the front in Australia in 2017-18, and is still doing so despite not playing in this match.
“Just curious as to why Eoin Morgan isn’t playing in the Ashes?” was the question from Irish watcher Colm earlier in the day. Largely because he doesn’t have a great red-ball playing history and he’s not too good against short fast bowling. But he couldn’t be any worse than this lot, and he might inject some spine.
I have been floating this idea for a little while, as the following will attest...
Increasingly warming to the idea advanced by @GeoffLemonSport on The Spin podcast that England should call up Eoin Morgan as a kind of Brearley-style captain. And he couldn't do any worse with the bat than this lot #Ashes
— Tom Davies (@tomdaviesE17) August 23, 2019
This seemed bad when Tim sent it an hour ago but the updated version would be horrendous.
#Ashes19 Between them, Australia and England have lost their last 12 wickets for 77 at an average of 6 @GeoffLemonSport
— Tim de Lisle (@TimdeLisle) August 23, 2019
WICKET! Leach b Hazlewood 1 (England all out 67)
Show’s over! Go home! The Ashes have surely been scattered to the winds. Funereal. But not for Hazlewood, who has five wickets and is absolutely mobbed by his teammates. A huge hug pile. He walks off the field holding the ball aloft. Leach was drifting across his stumps looking to play to leg. He missed and was bowled leg stump.
England have been bowled out for 67! Sixty-seven all out. On a sunny afternoon on home soil, giving Australia a lead of 112, and surely conceding the trophy when this match is eventually lost. This is a true debacle, and one that will reverberate for a long time to come.
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27th over: England 67-9 (Broad 4, Leach 1) Jack Leach comes in, from opener to jack. Two balls to survive from Cummins. Both at the body. Both gloved past short leg. One gets him a run. Unpleasant.
WICKET! Archer c Paine b Cummins 7 (England 66-9)
Oh my Lawwwwwd. What is this crapshoot? Jofra, what are you doing? He looks wonderful. He smokes Cummins with a pull shot through midwicket. Climbs into the short ball. But then he ducks to leave, but leaves the periscope up. The bat in the backlift. And the ball takes a little touch. Archer reviews in the hope of a no-ball but walks off straight away. He was copying Smith’s style in the nets, and now he’s copying it in the middle.
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26th over: England 60-8 (Archer 1, Broad 4) Well, Broad created the 60 at Trent Bridge and he gets England to 60 here. Hazlewood bowls a couple of nasty short ones, but the last ball of the over is glanced through fine leg for four.
“Not surprisingly, the Guardian scoreboard is struggling to keep up,” writes Graham Moger. “Three wickets behind at the moment - significantly better than England’s current score.”
WICKET! Buttler c Khawaja b Hazlewood 5 (England 56-8)
Another one! Buttler, the last prayer for something special, falls on deaf ears. A cold and indifferent universe rather than an attentive deity. Hazlewood has a short cover in for exactly this purpose. Bowls full, Buttler drives, the hard low catch is held. There are 72 overs left in the day, and England haven’t yet passed Australia’s 60 from Trent Bridge four years ago.
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25th over: England 56-7 (Buttler 5, Archer 1) A lot of people have been emailing about Jofra’s match-saving hundred. Now is his chance. He ducks a few bouncers from Cummins, predictably. Then plays a lovely strange light-sabre pull shot tucked off his hip with a flat blade for one.
WICKET! Woakes c Paine b Cummins 5 (England 54-7)
FIRST BALL AFTER LUNCH! The England Test team is broken! This is disaster being played out live! They bowled superbly, they had this match on a plate, but they’ve decided to play Greek weddings instead. A post-prandial loosener, Cummins bowls short down the leg side, Woakes plays at it with no real hope of doing much, at around ribcage height, and he can only glove it to Paine. There’s a long replay of the front foot, but a micron of heel is behind the line when the foot first makes contact with the ground, even though it later slips forward.
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“As if my day couldn’t get any worse,” writes Damian Burns. “Currently stuck in Johannesburg airport on an 8 hour layover watching the Aussies completely tuck us up. And just as I thought my day couldn’t get any worse I’ve had a promotional email from none other than Eoin Morgan: ‘And there’s a new cricket competition coming, The Hundred, starting in July 2020. I think the quality of cricket will be superb, because it’ll be intense with just 100 balls per side. It’ll be really easy for kids to follow and get into it...’ Yuck, Eoin. Yuck.”
Brian Murphy emails in. “This riveting second day is providing the perfect excuse for my still being in my pyjamas at half one in the afternoon (I work from home, I swear...)”
I’d be doing the same if I wasn’t in a press box. In fact I used to have a job with a uniform that was laundered and provided at work, and I did often show up to work in my pyjamas in those days.
“So I don’t really know or understand too much about the tactics and psychology of the batting order. I’ve never really played cricket properly, bar a bit in a school and some back garden wonder series, and am wondering could you do a post about same? Or perhaps solicit input from more knowledgeable folk? Why is Roy not performing better? Confidence, or lack of skills? What is one looking for in an opener as opposed to a five or six? I guess I have a rather simplistic understanding of the game. Thanks in advance if you can shed some light for the less clued-in cricket fans amongst us.”
If the proper badgers will forgive a quick recap, then sure thing. Basically opening the batting is the hardest job, because the bowlers are fresh and the ball is new. This means that it is more likely to swing, because the lacquer is still on the ball. It is more likely to move off the seam, because the seam is new and hard. And it’s more likely to bounce higher, because the ball is hard. As the ball gets softer, it usually does less for the bowler. So an opener’s main job is to survive, but some openers can be counter-attacking and throw the bowlers into disarray by scoring quickly against the new ball.
Batsmen at around four and five are supposed to be the long innings players who you build around, then six and seven can either save a tough situation, or attack from a strong position, and can bat with the tailenders effectively.
Roy plays a high-risk style of game, which makes some low scores inevitable.
Here’s some equally dispiriting news for England supporters, and cricket enthusiasts. This kid still has a Test average of 43 and was supposed to be England’s next ten-year player.
Lunch – England 54 for 6, and the Ashes hang by a thread
Australia have stormed into the match this morning. Their score of 179 might have looked light, but it was always a chance to be competitive if they bowled as well as England did yesterday. Hazlewood did, and was almost enough on his own. Cummins added some hurry-up late, then Pattinson preyed on the indecision. There were some good balls and some unnecessary shots. England are in massive trouble, trailing by 125, and it’ll take a minor miracle to get them to parity.
24th over: England 54-6 (Buttler 4, Woakes 5) With one over till lunch, Hazlewood summons one more effort of will. He nearly gets the seventh wicket several times: Woakes fending and missing, Woakes nearly stabbing to short leg but getting a run, Buttler edging on the bounce to slip. The batsmen survive though, and that will be lunch.
23rd over: England 53-6 (Buttler 4, Woakes 4) Pattinson bowls too full, and this time he doesn’t take a wicket. Buttler crashes him through cover for four! And around the crowd comes a glorious Bronx, laden with irony, because England’s 50 has come up. Pattinson bowls a good bouncer, ducked, then a ball that swerves in the air, coming in and over the stumps as Buttler leaves.
“What a curious and amazing sport this is: the series will be played over 20 days / 120 hours or more (to the bafflement of so many other sports fans) but the whole competition is decided in one short session, on a fine sunny morning in Yorkshire.”
Or the next session, Will West, when this pair pile on 120 on the way to a decisive lead.
22nd over: England 49-6 (Buttler 0, Woakes 4) England would not have wanted to be down to Buttler and Woakes. There are far worse pairs to be doing a rescue job, but this is on the brink of disaster. Woakes gets beaten outside off, then nearly pops up a leading edge off his pads. Hazlewood attacks the stumps again, defended scrappily, and again, clipped nicely for four. Woakes has been in fine form down the order with the bat in this series. He needs a fifth Test fifty today.
WICKET! Bairstow c Warner b Hazlewood 4 (England 45-6)
Oh, Jonny, what have you done? Back to Waterstones, my friend. That wasn’t Hazlewood’s best ball of the day. It was decent, line and length, doing a bit. But Bairstow is rooted to the crease and prods outside the line, unnecessary, and Warner gobbles up his one millionth catch at first slip.
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21st over: England 45-5 (Bairstow 4, Buttler 0) Pattinson finishes a wicket maiden. My colleague Rory Dollard of the Press Association has just read out this handy summary of Denly’s day.
outside edge
lbw given out, overturned
play and miss
lbw shout not out
play and miss
play and miss
play and miss
off the mark
chopped past stumps
play and miss
chopped past stumps
play and miss
play and miss
out
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WICKET! Denly c Paine b Pattinson 12 (England 45-5)
Talk about timing. Denly has faced nearly 50 balls, but finally his stay ends. Width from Pattinson, a big drive, a big edge, and a catch behind.
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20th over: England 45-4 (Denly 12, Bairstow 4) Hazlewood bowls his ninth. Bairstow gets off the mark gliding a four.
“Hi Geoff, can’t the relevant cricket authorities devise a new Test format that is only played between Archer and Smith, because it appears everyone else is pretty crap at cricket.”
I’d pay to see that, Mark Shanes. Mind you, I’d also pay to see the brilliant bowling the last two days from Broad, Woakes, Cummins and Hazlewood. And I don’t even have to, I’m at work. But let’s not lose sight of the quality of the bowling when the batting is bad.
19th over: England 40-4 (Denly 11, Bairstow 0) Pattinson gets a full over to bowl at Bairstow, but YJB is thinking about a book-signing in Leeds because he plays everything very straight. Twenty minutes till lunch, so it’s really just a matter of getting through now and taking a collective deep breath.
18th over: England 40-4 (Denly 11, Bairstow 0) Hazlewood will want to bowl forever. He saws Denly in half again, a ball that cuts back and bounces savagely while the batsman prods and the slips appeal. No edge. Then Denly turns from magician’s assistant to drunken Cossack dancer, shambling across the crease in a cloud of limbs to try defending another ball that cranks off the seam past his outside edge once more. The batsman ends the over by slicing two more runs through gully. Talk about hard-earned.
“I’ve found that the best strategy for collecting autographs later in life is to have the company of a small child, on whom one can project any star-struck giddiness one might be experiencing,” advises Timothy Sanders. “My son was selected as mascot for the Roses T20 at Headingley, in 2014 when he was nine years old. It rained dismally all evening, and as a consolation we were brought in to meet the players. My son got photos and signatures from Jonny Bairstow, Aaron Finch, Ryan Sidebottom and all, and I have a mild sense of embarrassment about how excitable I was. The picture of Jonny B with my son and daughter is especially lovely, and the sequel is that I printed it out and got him to sign it along with his book at Waterstones in Leeds a few years later.”
17th over: England 38-4 (Denly 9, Bairstow 0) Pattinson down the hill. A giant brick of a bowler, tattooed arms, broad hips, powerful through the crease. A broad white sweatband on his left forearm. Thunders a ball into Bairstow’s pad for a leg bye, flirting with 90 miles an hour. Two men out for the hook in case he wants to bounce, but they only come into play when he bowls full on the pads and Denly whips very cleanly to deep square.
16th over: England 36-4 (Denly 8, Bairstow 0) Hazlewood into his seventh over, and again he’s beating Denly’s edge. There’s plenty out there for the bowlers, sunshine or no. Hazlewood will need a break soon though. Denly scores a couple of runs to fine leg.
15th over: England 34-4 (Denly 6, Bairstow 0) This is fast becoming a debacle. Bairstow will bat at six, Buttler at seven. The two keepers and Denly have to create something to try to get England a lead. They’re a long way from 179 at the moment. Would it be more calming for some readers to go back to some stories?
“At Jack Simmons’ benefit match at Blackpool (1980 if memory serves) I snared Joel Garner and Alvin Kallicharran among other signatures,” writes David Seare. “Waiting patiently for Michael ‘whispering death’ Holding, I was crushed that the great man told me he was busy fielding. Felled by a short one at the tender age of 13. I’ve forgiven him now...but the scars run deep.”
I think he’s upstairs in the TV box, isn’t he? I’ll run it by him if I see him.
WICKET! Stokes c Warner b Pattinson 8 (England 34-4)
Stokes is gone! You can’t keep Warner out of the game. James Pattinson in his first over. He bowls too wide and Stokes fires it away through point just by deflecting the ball away. But when Stokes tries to repeat the dose to a similar ball, he just gets a fat top edge and Warner takes the catch over his shoulder. That was almost beyond the return crease when Stokes caught up with it.
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14th over: England 30-3 (Denly 6, Stokes 4) Nothing looks easy out there. Denly nearly edges Hazlewood to the cordon, then jabs a single away to the leg side.
13th over: England 28-3 (Denly 5, Stokes 3) With Stokes around the runs come a bit more freely. A couple through cover, a fairly workmanlike pull shot whacked away to deep midwicket for one. Denly, loose, nearly edges one, plays a weird cross-bat helicopter-rotor sort of half leave and ends up playing the ball past his leg stump. Cummins must be at the end of his spell by now.
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Country cricket talking points for those who are keen.
12th over: England 24-3 (Denly 4, Stokes 0) Interesting: Lyon must have been purely a tactic against the left-handed Burns. Now that Burns is gone, Hazlewood is straight back on. Getting some swing now, past the outside edge once again. He throws up the tempter, and Denly finally gets off the mark from his 24th ball, driving it very nicely out through cover for four. Covered the line well with a good stride. Hazlewood won’t mind too much though. Drive away, my friend.
That’s drinks! (That are drinks?)
11th over: England 20-3 (Denly 0, Stokes 0) A certain Ben Stokes has been the day-saver for England all summer. Now he has to do it again. A couple of dots and Cummins completes a wicket maiden.
WICKET! Burns c Paine b Cummins 9 (England 20-3)
Nasty from Cummins! Gets his man after working him over. The sequence starts bouncer that almost hits Burns in the grille. He’s jumping and twisting. Gets his gloves up in front of his face and the ball hits his chest and goes earthbound quickly enough to prevent the short leg swooping in. That’ll get the heart racing. He blocks once, then tries a square drive to a fuller ball but is only half-forward, and mistimes it to point. He’s in two minds now. So Cummins goes short again, just off line towards the batsman’s right shoulder, and Burns tries to hook but is done for pace and can only glove it down leg side! The fourth ball dismissed him but the first ball was the wicket-taker.
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10th over: England 20-2 (Burns 9, Denly 0) Nathan Lyon on for a trundle. He likes bowling with a newish ball, but this is an interesting call. I suppose James Pattinson will be on for Cummins down the hill soon, but I wouldn’t be taking Cummins off yet. A slip and a bat-pad on the off side for Burns, while the latter becomes a short leg for the right-handed Denly. They manage a couple of singles and a leg bye. Burns gets the runs, Denly the extra. Still on nought.
“Just a single autograph in my box of keepsakes,” writes Cogs. “Charlie Nicholas scrawled on the back of a beer mat from the Tuxedo Princess, a floating night club that was moored under the Tyne bridge for much of the 80s. He appeared with two blonde ladies and one bottle of champagne following a 0-0 draw at Roker Park. God knows how he celebrated after a good game...”
9th over: England 17-2 (Burns 7, Denly 0) Preferring to bowl the right-handed Denly, by the looks, Cummins is seaming the ball a mile. Coming down the hill with the sun on his shoulders, one comes in and isn’t too far from off stump, another hits the pad without Denly offering a shot and is pretty close to lbw, a third cuts the batsman in half and is taken by Paine a couple of metres down the leg side, and a fourth does the same from a fuller length, through the gate, and somehow misses off stump by a whisker. Denly might as well be taking guard at square leg for all the part that he played in that over.
8th over: England 17-2 (Burns 7, Denly 0) The workout continues. Another JH ball past the outside edge, another two into the pads. Denly finally gets to run for cover when a leg bye deflects. The TV broadcast showed Hazlewood’s full roasting of Roy: a dozen balls that angled in, seamed in, cramped him. A couple of wider ones once in a while to draw a shot. One miss, one four, one nick, from the widest ball of the day. Couldn’t help himself. Burns is nearly lbw to a scrambled-seamer from Hazlewood but manages a small nick. With the angle to the left-hander, he’s able to stab a brace off his pads next ball.
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7th over: England 14-2 (Burns 5, Denly 0) Burns has just been watching from the other end as the chaos unfolds. It’s not often that Cummins isn’t the bowler you most want to watch, or the one you most want to face, but that’s the case this morning as he bowls on the pads and Burns clips it for his first boundary. Cummins hits back with a couple of lovely deliveries that seam and beat the left-hander, no idea what to do there. But the over ends and it’s time for Hazlewood again...
6th over: England 10-2 (Burns 1, Denly 0) Well, Root wanted Denly to open, and has kindly volunteered to make that effectively the reality. It’s the sixth over, two England batsmen have gone and another was spared by an inch. Hazlewood who missed the first match has done the early damage as he did at Lord’s. He has 2 for 4 from three overs.
Reprieved! Denly gets let off
Perfect seaming delivery from Hazlewood. Pace, a vicious angle, it burned past the attempted defensive shot and into his back pad in front of middle. I would have given it every day of the week. HawkEye reckons it’s just going over the bails. With Hazlewood’s bounce that’s not totally unreasonable. Denly would have had a four-ball blob.
Wicket reviewed. Denly lbw Hazlewood but sends it upstairs
Let’s wait...
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WICKET! Root c Warner b Hazlewood 0 (England 10-2)
Another one for Hazlewood! Another for Warner. And another duck for Root, this time second ball rather than first... that is just a bit of movement, and just a bit the wrong line from Root. Again the ball is angling in towards the right-hander’s stumps from a slightly wider line. Root is just trying to defend, but rather than hitting the pads Hazlewood seams it away a touch and takes a serious fast edge. It flies away, and Warner hurls himself to his left and takes the catch facing the grandstand after the effort turns him around. He hurls the ball down and shouts, “What about that!” It was a fine catch in scrambled circumstances.
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5th over: England 10-1 (Burns 1, Root 0) Cummins sends down another maiden to Burns...
Luke Austin has emailed. “As a young West Ham fan i managed to get Keith Rowland (our left back at the time) to sign his autograph on the match day programme, which at the time was a highlight of my short life. The kudos soon faded as I moved into my teenage years and fell into a less sporty crowd, and rather sadly had me pretending that the autograph was in fact that of Kevin Rowland of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, which was a favourite of the time (Young Soul Rebels era anyway) and someone whose autograph I thought would impress girls far more, no matter how implausible it was that I would have bumped into him at a West Ham game. Sorry Keith.”
4th over: England 10-1 (Burns 1, Root 0) Another early mark for Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Root. Sorry, wrong cricketer. That’s what Root thinks, too, because he wants Denly to open. So I suppose that conversation will keep on being had.
My two cents: you’ve picked Roy to be aggressive at the top of the order, so at least give him the series without lamenting every low score. If he comes off once, he’ll win you a Test match. I’m not sure old mate Denners would have been piling up the tons if he’d come in first instead of fourth.
WICKET! Roy c Warner b Hazlewood 9 (England 10-1)
He’s gone again! This was probably Roy’s best chance of the series so far to make a score. He starts the over well, arching his back to scorch a square drive away for four. But Hazlewood bowls him some serious width, pitched up, and Roy has a booming drive at it, getting a thick edge to Warner at first slip. Hear the critics mass at the gates, chanting a thick dirge in unison...
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3rd over: England 6-0 (Burns 1, Roy 5) Cummins tries out the short ball, and nearly gets Burns – fended away and it lands just in front of short leg. A bouncer follows but Burns plays this pretty well, with his wonky-headed stance, dipping down under the ball to let it through. A maiden.
Here’s the TMS overseas link for today.
2nd over: England 6-0 (Burns 1, Roy 5) Josh Hazlewood will have the uphill task with the Emerald Stand at his back. He’s angling the ball into Roy and has a big shout for lbw straight away, but it would have been bouncing high. Hazlewood tries the same again but Roy gets some bat on it this time to defend. Then he plays a big back-foot drive as Hazlewood shifts his line to the west, where Roy predictably meets fresh air. Reassuring start for all those Roy devotees out there.
1st over: England 6-0 (Burns 1, Roy 5) Good morning from Headingley, good morrow to other parts of the world. The sun is out! Stone the crowds and dose up the pigeons. It’s not convincing sunshine yet, it’s filtered through a gauze of cloud, so we’ll see whether the sun burns it off or the cloud gathers its ranks. Either way, it’s a much better day to be batting than yesterday. We’ll see if England can make the most of it.
Starting the bowling off will be Patrick Cummins, he of the bandy-legged stride like he’s just hopped off a horse to go for a gallop himself. He starts with a beauty outside Rory Burns’ off stump, no looseners there. But with four in the cordon, Burns is able to drop a single towards cover and get off strike. Roy feels for the ball, soft-handed enough that the outside edge goes down and into the gap for four. Then the right-hander knocks a single to midwicket. Decent start.
Ok, that’s enough from me. Jerusalem is reverberating around Headingley which means the opening delivery of the day is nearing and that means time for Geoff Lemon to take the keys. Please redirect your emails to geoff.lemon@theguardian.com and tweets to @GeoffLemonSport.
Big day for James Pattinson this. Rested at Lord's to stay fresh for this game, pitch could well have flattened out from Day 1 - in the absence of Siddle to do the grunt work, he's going to have to put a proper shift in. #Ashes
— Ben Jones (@benjonescricket) August 23, 2019
“I can’t say I feel that confident about the England batting line-up, but at least they have already avoided the follow-on,” emails Archie Campbell with some splendid gallows humour. It does feel like a significant hour or two though, doesn’t it? Perfect conditions for England to make a statement and take the series by the scruff of the neck.
I like the sound of this a lot.
@JPHowcroft I went to see British Sea Power above a pub in Lincoln and they were supported by, and I quote the poster, “From Las Vegas, the Killers”. I saw them both a week later at Warwick Student Union where I got confused in a lift with the guitarist. Simpler times
— Alex Marsh (@Alexikokopops) August 23, 2019
Consecutive emails land in my inbox celebrating the glory days of British track-and-field of the late 80s/early 90s.
First, Scott Roberts. “I hope Philip Malcolm’s experience of meeting Dalton Grant was as pleasurable as mine. I was competing for good old Team Solent (Kriss Akabusi and Roger Black’s old team that no longer exists) in the good old British Athletics League back in the 90s. One of our competitions was up in Dumfries, and I remember us arriving typically late after having been rammed into a minibus for hours and not having time for a proper warm-up to try and produce a decent long jump, which I obviously didn’t. However, I had the pleasure of competing against Dalton Grant (obviously better known as a high jumper), who was the most lovely man you could ever meet. He was so friendly that he would be chatting to people as he was running down the runway and then, with his exception ability, still be able to sail out over 7 metres, which I had to absolutely bust my backside to achieve, not very frequently. And he can’t have been any taller than 6’1”, which makes him being able to high hump close to 2.40m just mind-boggling.”
Then Matthew Eley. “As a youngster I once managed to pluck up courage to ask Kris Akabusi for his autograph. He was very happy to do so but as he tried to sign my scrap of paper my WWF wrestling pen ran out. No autograph but I did get the trademark laugh so not all bad.”
While Mr Archer has stolen all the headlines Andy Bull has made sure Stuart Broad receives praise for his excellent series so far.
It is turning into an interesting summer for Broad. At the beginning, it wasn’t even clear whether or not he would play every Test since he was competing, all of a sudden, with a couple of younger and quicker bowlers in Jofra Archer and Olly Stone. But that injury to Jimmy Anderson at Edgbaston has left Broad as the senior member of the team, the old hand of the bowling attack. And he seems to be enjoying himself almost as much as Archer is. Archer had bowled just 10 overs here before, during the match against Sri Lanka in the World Cup, but he still cleaned up six wickets.
Play starts in 20 #Ashes pic.twitter.com/gmG3Apa5eF
— cricket.com.au (@cricketcomau) August 23, 2019
Thank you for the many many excellent autograph emails you’re flinging my way. I am giggling at, but filtering out, the swearier ones, and those that reflect poorly on people who have no right of reply.
Jack Kellam makes the cut. “As a 9 year-old on a school free ticket to watch a West Indies v South Africa ODI at Sophia Gardens in the early ‘00s, I headed to the loos after one too many cokes, only to look over star-struck at a certain Sir Viv Richards at the urinal adjacent to mine. After what was likely far too long a stare, I then hovered outside the door with one of those Natwest 4/6 cards, which the great man diligently proceeded to autograph at my request. Quite comfortably tops my other childhood autograph experiences, limited to: Welsh rugby star Ieuan Jones in a school sports hall, and Craig Quinell in a scout hut.” I love how that ends like a list of failed Alan Partridge variety show pitches.
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Stuart Morphet is back with his reverse psychology. It worked yesterday, so why not try again? “Glad my email of yesterday suggesting England should bowl and that we’ve all had enough of experts proved prophetic. Now if we can all just ‘believe in batting’ everything will be perfect.”
There’s plenty to like in this email from Jonathan Wood, which could also double up as a splendid Morecambe and Wise sketch. “As a nipper, I would go to watch Notts play and at the intervals, all us kids would crowd round the players asking for autographs. This would include the away team, who we didn’t really know from Adam, but would help fill up the autograph book. I once got to the front of a queue, only for the cricketer to take a look at me and said “I’ve already signed your book”. Obviously, I looked to deny it, so he took my book, turned it a few pages, and with a very kind smile on his face, showed me. I’d tell you who it was, but obviously I have no idea.”
Geoff Lemon took an Australian angle on yesterday’s play and he questioned the merit of throwing Marcus Harris in at the deep end.
Both Bancroft and Harris could have benefited from more time. Five Tests, a full series, the best chance to find a way. By definition only one of them could have had it. Now neither will. England and Australia could equally stand to learn: in the game of openers, patience matters most of all.
Richard Smyth has a happier autograph tale to tell. “Last summer I sought to add to my meagre autograph haul (Tony Dorigo and Gary Speed - Wakefield Intersport, early 1990s, The Grumbleweeds (all of them!) - Scarborough seafront, mid-1980s) by collaring D. Gower at the Headingley Test last summer. “I’m too old to be doing this...” I began. “Nonsense,” he said, taking my pen and programme and gesturing to the posse of baking autograph fiends along the stand, “look at the state of those bastards.” I treasure the memory to this day (but not the autograph, because I got drunk and left it on my seat).” Regal.
Ben Powell has just been to a gig that sounds very good, and pleasingly threads a series of discussions neatly together. “Serendipitously, last Friday I was in Glasgow and saw Mogwai supporting the Cure. Unfortunately I didn’t get autographs from any of them, but I did get very, very muddy.” Not sure Mogwai are an autograph band, are they?
Ian Davies finds the back of the net with a scorcher of an email. “Talking of opening acts the first gig I went to was James in Derby, where the warm up act were a band called “Radiohead”. They’d just released a song called Creep and were destined to become novelty one-hit wonders…”
Kim Thonger’s logged on. “Reading the paper this morning, I see that Peppa Pig has been bought by Hasbro, taking advantage of the weak pound. That, and Trump’s thwarted yearning for Greenland, is making me worry that foreign investors will swoop on our irreplaceable national asset/treasure Sir Jofra Archer, and carry him off to distant lands, never to be seen charging in at the Nursery End again. To prevent this, the government should nationalise him immediately. Shall I start a petition or would you care to kick it off?” I’m going to enjoy how this reads from anyone logging on via the Australian sport section.
A few of the emails coming in about underwhelming autograph experiences are, frankly, a tad dispiriting and don’t reflect well on the athletes involved, who don’t have a right to reply. However, Philip Malcolm, I did very much enjoy your bouncebackability from being rebuffed by Beefy to finding the John Hancock of Dalton Grant.
Here’s a callback to day one of the first Test when Jofra Archer was presented in SKy’s promotional graphics wearing Ben Stokes’s shirt. “You’ll be pleased to know Jofra now has his own shirt with the 693 on it, and his initials on the sleeve.” Thanks Romeo.
“I have three autographs,” opens Ian Forth, tantalisingly, “Chris “Spider” Cattlin, Coventry City left back of the early ‘70s, and later proprietor of a rock shop on Brighton seafront. I bearded the great man in his den, much to my wife’s chagrin, on a weekend away where we reminisced about the time he broke a Stoke winger’s leg. (“I didn’t mean to”.) Also Robert Smith and Simon Gallup of The Cure, who I met in a bar in 1979 before they went on the (very small stage). They kindly signed the back of my Lloyd’s Bank statement which was the only thing I had in my pocket. An unlikely trio, although one day I look forward to the four of us getting together.” Marvellous.
Moving swiftly on, Ali Martin made sure to document Jofra Afrcher’s utterances following play yesterday.
I’m over the moon to get six wickets. I guess these are the things you train for. If you train hard in the game you should be rewarded eventually. [And] I don’t need to run in and bowl 90mph every spell to get wickets. It’s shown that today.
“Apart from the whole Jofra thing,” Paul Mitchell begins, before getting to the heart of the matter, “there seems to be something even more significant going on in cricket, where the OBO gets an opening act. Perhaps you will be seen in future as Queen to Geoff Lemon’s Mott the Hoople?” I can only dream Paul, I can only dream. Mogwai were the first support act I ever saw at a gig (Manic Street Preachers headlining). I’d be happy with that level of understated but knowledgable acclaim.
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If you would like to remind yourself how we got to where we are, Vic Marks has put a sufficient number of words in the right order for just that job.
Half a day’s play was enough to have us salivating over this Test. Australia had been hanging on grimly, most especially against the irrepressible Jofra Archer, who quickly confirmed he is no one-Test wonder. Joe Root keeps throwing him the ball and he keeps bowling fast. On Thursday he was England’s most exercised bowler once again and their most feared; he finished with six for 45 from 17.1 overs.
Pitch: We saw plenty of movement in the air and off the seam yesterday and there should again be something in the deck for the pacemen today. However, it is the dryness of the surface that is catching the eye with the spinners likely to become an increasing factor as the Test progresses.
Day two #Ashes pic.twitter.com/9GIQXXneQ3
— cricket.com.au (@cricketcomau) August 23, 2019
Weather: What a difference a day makes. The gloom and drizzle of yesterday has been replaced by azure skies and a beaming sun. The temperature will be in the low to mid 20s for most of the day with a moderate southerly breeze keeping the unwary on their toes. In short; ideal conditions for batting.
What have Chris Old and Peter Haddock got to do with this? Well, during my schooling I was only ever visited by one ex-pro of any sport to deliver any kind of clinic. That was 46-Test seamer Old, back in the mid-eighties. He therefore became the first, and for a long-time only, signature in my autograph book.
Seven or eight years later we went on a school trip to Leeds United. Ignoring the queues for headline acts like Gordon Strachan and Lee Chapman, I sidled up to the nearest guy in a Top Man shell suit. That man was rugged defender Peter Haddock.
Anyway, the other day I was rummaging through my old box of stuff that somehow survives house moves and periodic culls of useless ephemera, and located my not-so prized possession and its modest contents.
I thought that was a suitably Yorkshire tale to share during the Headingley Test. And had me wondering whether anybody has a more underwhelming autograph hunting experience?
Preamble
Hello everybody and welcome to the Jofra Archer Show second day of the third Ashes Test from Headingley.
England will begin their first innings at 11am after dismissing Australia yesterday for 179, the consequence of Joe Root winning the toss and offering his attack extremely helpful overhead conditions. And, aside from a third-wicket wobble, that attack grasped the opportunity with both hands, thanks in no small part to another starring performance from Jofra Archer.
The speedster’s six for 45 showed there is guile as well as raw pace in the armoury. Not to mention a handy knack of controlling the progress of a match in accordance to his will.
I’ll be with you for the next hour or so to regale you with tales of Chris Old and Peter Haddock, but when the rubber meets the road Geoff Lemon and his award-winning words will take over. If you want to join in this pre-play fun you can drop me an email or a tweet.
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