When England won the toss and batted this morning, they wouldn’t have dared ask for more than a score of 305 for four at the close. It’s already theirir highest total of the series. They were in a bit of trouble before Dawid Malan and Jonny Bairstow gave a lesson in how to bat in Australian conditions. Malan made his maiden Test century, an innings that was so impressive in so many different ways; and Bairstow, promoted to No6, reached his highest score against Australia. England aren’t back in the series just yet, but at least they have identified a route back.
Australia bowled pretty well on an excellent pitch, with Hazlewood the pick of their attack. They have a newish ball to work with tomorrow morning and will still feel they can dismiss England for under 400. England will want at least 450, ideally 500. It should be a cracking second day. Thanks for your company, bye!
Updated
Stumps
89th over: England 305-4 (Malan 110, Bairstow 75) Bairstow, who looks mentally tired, plays a nothing stroke at Cummins and is beaten. Cummins is still steaming in, but he can’t get the late wicket that Australia crave. It’s the end of a superb day for England.
88th over: England 305-4 (Malan 110, Bairstow 75) Hazlewood has switched ends to replace Starc. He’s been the best bowler today. And though this has been England’s best day of the series, a late wicket would change the mood and maybe the match. Remember Adelaide 2002: England were 295 for three before Michael Vaughan was dismissed for 177 off the last ball of the first day. The next morning they were blown away for 342 and lost the match by an innings.
There are no wickets in that over, just a majestic off drive for four by Malan. I doubt he has ever played better than this.
87th over: England 300-4 (Malan 106, Bairstow 74) Cummins replaces Hazlewood and goes straight around the wicket to Malan, who defends watchfully. He’ll sleep well tonight. There are five minutes until the close, so Australia might have time for two more overs.
86th over: England 300-4 (Malan 106, Bairstow 74) Bairstow survives a big LBW appeal after flicking around a Starc inswinger. Australia choose not to risk their last review; it’s the correct decision as it was swinging leg. The next ball is a swinging attempted that Bairstow thick-edges for four, and a quick two into the leg side brings up the 300. It’s been a good day for England. Australia haven’t done much wrong. Maybe they’ve overdone the short stuff at times, but it’s been bloody hard yakka since the first new ball started to get old.
Updated
DAWID MALAN MAKES HIS FIRST TEST CENTURY!!
85th over: England 294-4 (Malan 106, Bairstow 68) Malan swivel pulls Hazlewood smoothly for four to reach a memorable hundred, full of patience, grit, intent and skill. It’s England’s first century of the series. He celebrates modestly - unlike the England balcony, who are all on their feet, with Joe Root punching the air with happy anger. Malan has played some beautiful cover-drives, and he unfurls another later in the over that rushes to the boundary.
Updated
84th over: England 286-4 (Malan 98, Bairstow 68) Bairstow plays tip and run off Starc to bring up a thoroughly admirable 150 partnership, and later in the over he drives supremely through extra cover for four. That is a great shot - but the next two are poor, loose wafts outside off stump that fail to connect. It’s so important for England that they don’t lose another wicket tonight.
Updated
83rd over: England 280-4 (Malan 97, Bairstow 63) Hazlewood shares the new ball with Starc. After hitting Malan in the box, he overpitches and is driven gracefully for four more. That takes Malan to 97, and he can’t resist a short ball outside leg stump. Thankfully for him he misses the ball and it ends up in the hands of Tim Paine.
82nd over: England 276-4 (Malan 93, Bairstow 63) Malan is dropped off the first delivery with the second new ball! He edged a drive at Starc towards third slip, where Bancroft moved too far across to his right and felt the ball whoosh between his arms. It’s a wonderful first over back from Starc. Bairstow is beaten, edges along the floor to the boundary and finally digs out a yorker. This should be a tremendous half-hour.
81st over: England 271-4 (Malan 92, Bairstow 59) Marsh is continuing with the old ball, a surprising decision as the one is available. When he drifs onto the pads, Bairstow flicks easily for four and probably ensures this will be Marsh’s final over of the day.
80th over: England 267-4 (Malan 92, Bairstow 55) Smith canh’t get through his over quickly enough. He bowls six dot balls to Mailan, who thus stays on 92. It’s time for the second new ball.
79th over: England 267-4 (Malan 92, Bairstow 55) Starc and Hazlewood are preparing for one last crack with the second new ball. Marsh bowls a maiden to the watchul Bairstow.
78th over: England 267-4 (Malan 92, Bairstow 55) Malan late cuts Smith four three to move into the nineties. That drum-and-bass track you can hear is his heartbeat. He’s eight runs away from a Test century. A Test century. A Test century.
77th over: England 262-4 (Malan 89, Bairstow 53) Marsh (4-0-18-0) switches ends and is glided sweetly for four by Bairstow. That takes him to a superb fifty, an innings of impressive authority. Two balls later he does well to dig out a beautiful yorker from Marsh.
Updated
76th over: England 257-4 (Malan 89, Bairstow 48) Steve Smith replaces Mitchell Marsh and tempts Malan into chasing a very wide delivery beats the bat. Don’t do it Dawid!
“Perth Tests are the only ideal ones in Oregon - starts after the workday and ends at a reasonable time to sleep 2-30 ish,” says Zaph Mann. “But I sense you are in a sleep limbo, so calm is your commentary, or are you just hoping that massive placation ensures this duo continue as long as possible?”
When you have Ashes insomnia you’ve never really asleep … and you’re never really awake.
75th over: England 254-4 (Malan 87, Bairstow 47) Four singles from Lyon’s over. This feels like filler before the excitement of the second new ball. Any wickets before then would be a huge bonus for Australia.
74th over: England 250-4 (Malan 85, Bairstow 45) Steve Smith is getting loose, which suggests he’ll bowl a couple of overs of legspin before the second new ball is due. Bairstow taps Marsh into the leg side and steals a second run, another demonstration of his excellence between the wickets. Right here, right now, England are in control.
73rd over: England 246-4 (Malan 85, Bairstow 41) Malan drives Lyon nicely for two more, which makes this the highest score by an England batsman in the series. For a left-hander, he has played Lyon superbly.
72nd over: England 243-4 (Malan 83, Bairstow 40) Mitchell Marsh replaces Cummins. His first ball is too wide and punched for three by Bairstow, who nearly drags on later in the over. This would be a great time for Australia to take a wicket, with the second new ball due in eight overs’ time. England were 246 for four at Brisbane and lost their last six wickets for 56.
71st over: England 238-4 (Malan 82, Bairstow 36) A single off Lyon brings up a very good hundred partnership, England’s first since the opening day of the series, and then Malan laces an emphatic cover-drive for four. He has played so well today.
70th over: England 230-4 (Malan 75, Bairstow 35) Malan guides Cummins wide of gully for four more. He’s playing beautifully and has been the dominant partner in a fine fifth-wicket stand of 99. That’s drinks.
69th over: England 225-4 (Malan 70, Bairstow 35) Lyon replaces Starc. Malan walks down the track to drive a lovely boundary wide of mid-on. That takes him past his highest Test score He’ll be so frustrated if he doesn’t make his first Test hundred today, because at the moment he’s batting with great comfort.
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68th over: England 217-4 (Malan 64, Bairstow 33) Cummins is starting to cause Malan a few problems, even with a ball that is 68 overs old. It’s another maiden.
AUSTRALIA REVIEW! England 217-4 (Malan not out 64)
Cummins has a big shout for LBW against Malan turned down by Marais Erasmus. This being Perth, it was almost certainly too high - but Steve Smith wants to review. It’s a poor decision, with replays confirming it would have bounced over the stumps.
67th over: England 217-4 (Malan 64, Bairstow 33) A maiden from Starc to Bairstow. There’s no sign of England trying to cash in before the second new ball; they are more intent on ensuring they are still in for the second new ball.
66th over: England 217-4 (Malan 64, Bairstow 33) Pat Cummins, on for Hazlewood, has a huge shout for caught behind against Malan turned down by the umpire. The ball roared back through the gate from around the wicket, similar to his dismissal of Malan in rhe first innings at Adelaide, but this time there was no inside edge. An excellent over from Cummins, who is such a threat with the old ball.
“I’m torn,” writes Nata Sarah Bacon. “I like that Bairstow was (finally!) moved up the order so he might do something memorable with equally competent partners, but am less happy that you lot are putting on such a good show. Didn’t all the press pre-match indicate England would fail? Again? Are your boys finally going to put all those nasty, giggly rumours to rest? And actually DO something resembling anything? Sigh. Oh don’t mind me. I’m still waiting for the snow to melt, and those blistering blue Perth skies are making me antsy.”
Somehow, I don’t think you’ll be needing a sleeping pill tonight.
65th over: England 215-4 (Malan 62, Bairstow 33) The pitch looks really flat when the ball gets older, with little of the zing we saw in the first half of the day. England have a chance, no more or less than that, to bat themselves back into the series in the next hour and a half. At the moment Malan and Bairstow are playing with sensible restraint, waiting for bad balls - like that one from Starc, which drifts onto the pads and is clipped through midwicket for four by Bairstow.
I know about the $7 flat whites here, but this is Weimar Republic hyperinflation from Adelaide to Perth. #Ashes pic.twitter.com/R9hmEa63hj
— Adam Collins (@collinsadam) December 14, 2017
64th over: England 211-4 (Malan 62, Bairstow 29) A rare poor ball from Hazlewood is dismissed to the midwicket boundary by Bairstow, and Malan completes an excellent over for England by threading a drive wide of mid-off for four more. He’s three away from equalling his highest Test score.
63rd over: England 200-4 (Malan 56, Bairstow 24) A double bowling change, with Starc on for Lyon. That’s a nice, aggressive move from Steve Smith, who is evidently tired of England’s serene accumulation either side of tea. There are some more hints of reverse swing in his first over, though nothing extravagant. A single to fine leg from Bairstow brings up the England 200.
62nd over: England 197-4 (Malan 55, Bairstow 23) Hazlewood, the best bowler so far, returns in place of Cummins. His first over is a quiet one, with just a no-ball and a single. I thought it was starting to reverse a few overs ago but we haven’t seen anything since.
61st over: England 196-4 (Malan 54, Bairstow 23) Bairstow drives Lyon for four, helped by a misfield from Starc. It might be time for Australia to bring Starc back into the attack; at the moment England look really comfortable.
“Rob,” says Matt Emerson. “Morning from the commute through leafy Surrey to That London. There are signs in this innings that Malan is becoming a little like Thorpe in his approach. He’s assessed the situation when coming out to bat and realised that England needed to counterattack, regardless of the threat to his position in the side, just like Thorpe did in almost every innings.“
Yes, good point that, it was very Thorpish – race to 30 through calculated risk, change the momentum and then settle in for the long haul.
60th over: England 192-4 (Malan 54, Bairstow 19) A wide half-volley from Cummins is nailed for four by Malan. Shot! There’s a serenity to England’s batting that has rarely been seen in this series. We know one wicket would change the mood completely, but for now it’s Australia who are on the defensive.
59th over: England 188-4 (Malan 50, Bairstow 19) Malan drives Lyon for a single to reach a really good half-century, full of purpose and determination. England will be desperate for him to become their first centurion of the series. Their conversion rate has become such a problem. Some say it’s down to frivolous batting, and the influence of white-ball cricket - but since May 2015, when England discovered limited-overs cricket, they have a significantly better conversion rate in ODIs than in Tests. How absurd is that?
58th over: England 186-4 (Malan 49, Bairstow 18) Bairstow works Cummins off the pads for a couple, and then snaps his head out the way of a beautiful bouncer. He has 18 from 51 balls and looks really solid. Batting at No6 means he doesn’t have to force the innings as in previous Tests.
“Hand off the bat or hand on the bat, we still have Kasprowicz 2005!” says Robert Sim.
Thank goodness there was no DRS then. Can you imagine.
57th over: England 183-4 (Malan 49, Bairstow 15) Malan has shown good intent against Lyon, and is going down the track at least once an over. A classy back cut for four takes him to 49 and brings up a vital fifty partnership with Bairstow.
56th over: England 177-4 (Malan 44, Bairstow 14) Geoff Boycott has been full of praise for Malan’s innings, particularly his courage and discipline. We’ll surely see him next summer, barring a shocker in the last five innings of the series.
“Morning Rob,” says Kim Thonger. “Seems to me match-fixing may be the only way England can save this match and the Ashes. Some or (in my view) all of the government’s international development fund might be usefully diverted to that end? Surely beating Australia at cricket is worth 0.7% of UK GDP any day of the week?”
55th over: England 176-4 (Malan 43, Bairstow 14) Lyon, though not yet as threatening as in the first two Tests, is doing an excellent holding job. Malan drives a single down the ground, and that’s the lot. All the batsmen apart from Cook have got a start today; none have yet gone past 56. That has been such a problem for England in the series. They haven’t had a hundred partnership since the first day at Brisbane, never mind an individual century.
54th over: England 175-4 (Malan 42, Bairstow 14) This will be a long session, with 36 overs still to be bowled. Pat Cummins, on for Mitchell Marsh, starts with a maiden to Bairstow that includes a suggestion of reverse swing. This session might be England’s last chance in the series. If they close on 310 for five, they will sleep hopefully. If they are rolled for 250, it’s over.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Phil Withall. “My main beef with the DRS system, and video assistant referees in football, is that no matter what technology is available to the third umpire the final decision is made by a human being and humans are fallible. I once spent an evening attempting to convince someone that the penalty Sylvester Stallone saved in Escape to Victory wasn’t the same one that was struck by the German player. They just couldn’t see it. People make mistakes.”
Tea
53rd over: England 175-4 (Malan 42, Bairstow 14) Lyon is milked for three in the last over before tea. Malan flicks the last ball into the body of Bancroft at short leg; it would have been a miraculous catch. That was a brilliant session of play. Australia bombed England in the first hour, picking up the wickets of Joe Root and Mark Stoneman, before Dawid Malan and Jonny Bairstow restored some calm with a good partnership of 44. See you in 10 minutes for the evening session.
52nd over: England 172-4 (Malan 41, Bairstow 12) Malan plays and misses at a good delivery from Marsh, angled across him on an excellent length. The last ball of the over is too straight and clipped nicely through midwicket for four. Malan has shown superb temperament again.
51st over: England 168-4 (Malan 37, Bairstow 12) “Hang on,” says Jen Oram. “If BT have got footage showing Stoneman was out (or showing anything, come to that), why wasn’t it shown to Aleem Dar? Isn’t the idea that the review umpire gets to see all the stuff available before deciding?”
That particular angle didn’t appear for 10 minutes. I think it takes a while to find/load up all the footage, although if I’m completely honest I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about. It’s a classic example of a DRS decision that was both right and wrong. In absolute terms he was out, but he shouldn’t have been given out.
50th over: England 168-4 (Malan 37, Bairstow 12) The fifth bowler Mitchell Marsh replaces Hazlewood. He took some good wickets in the 2015 Ashes - Cook, Bell, Root, Stokes, Buttler - and knows these conditions so well. His first over is a bit loose and milked for three singles.
49th over: England 165-4 (Malan 36, Bairstow 10) England are still struggling to get after Lyon, who rushes through another maiden to Malan. His figures are 9-3-22-0.
48th over: England 165-4 (Malan 36, Bairstow 10) Stoneman and Malan are, as I type, the specialist England batsmen with the highest averages in this series. The problem has been the lack of big runs from the established quintet of Cook, Root, Bairstow, Stokes and Moeen. Bairstow has started well in this innings, playing with impressive certainty in attack and defence. His buddy Bancroft denies him four runs with a superb diving stop at short extra-cover.
47th over: England 162-4 (Malan 33, Bairstow 10) Lyon’s record at Perth is poor, which will give England a bit of optimism. Malan comes down the pitch to work a single to mid-on.
46th over: England 160-4 (Malan 32, Bairstow 9) Hazlewood, who has bowled magnificently today, replaces Starc. Malan plays out a maiden. He has started to settle down after a skittish start to the innings. England cannot afford to lose another wicket in the 25 minutes before tea.
“Morning, Rob,” says Ian Copestake. “It all seems to be continually in the balance. I find myself longing for the days of Boycs and Tavare seemingly doing nothing, before awaking to find a large number next to a rather small number. Though Tavare would not yet have hit double figures (God bless him).”
45th over: England 160-4 (Malan 32, Bairstow 9) BT have just shown new footage which suggests the ball did brush the glove of Stoneman’s top hand, which is the one that was on the bat, and that therefore he was out. That may douse England’s ire a touch, though it doesn’t change the fact that Aleem Dar made the wrong decision based on the evidence he had at the time. Back in the present, Bairstow pushes Lyon down the ground for four before chipping the ball whence it came. Lyon flies to his left, attempting another Superman catch, but can’t quite get there.
44th over: England 156-4 (Malan 32, Bairstow 5) It’s hard to know what a par score is, though I suspect both teams would be reasonably happy if England made around 350. Bairstow takes a really tight single into the off side, with Warner’s throw whistling just wide of the stumps. I think Malan would have bene out with a direct hit.
43rd over: England 155-4 (Malan 32, Bairstow 4) A change of pace, with Nathan Lyon replacing Pat Cummins. Malan misses a sweep and is hit on the pad, well outside the line of off stump. A maiden.
“Morning from a grim, grey Stratford,” says Guy Hornsby. “This is in the balance again, and I fear that for all Malan’s machismo here, a few uncontrolled boundaries from short balls are about as useful as a tomato with wheels on if he’s out for a swashbuckling 39. I admire his undoubted ticker but he’s playing into Australia’s hands here. And yes, I’m still fuming at Aleem Dar, but it’s too early for a rum.”
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42nd over: England 155-4 (Malan 32, Bairstow 4) Maybe that Stoneman dismissal was belated, not particularly commensurate karmic payback for Mike Kasprowicz’s dismissal at Edgbaston in 2005. There’s not much time to dwell on it at the moment, because the match is rattling along. Starc goes around the wicket to Malan, who top-edges a hook for six. He is going to take the short ball on, even though Australia have three men out on the leg side.
“Morning Rob,” says Brian Withington. “Good to be following Test cricket coverage from home WiFi rather than 4G signal in hospital Urology department. Some of the deliveries to Stoneman after lunch made me wince more than the recent flexi-camera journey to the centre of my being. Amazing video close-ups - think the third umpire would benefit from similar precision technology. Think Blue Planet 2 minus the David Attenborough commentary (and fish).”
41st over: England 148-4 (Malan 25, Bairstow 4) Jonny Bairstow, belatedly promoted to No6, gets off the mark with a superb drive through mid-off for four off Cummins. He responds with a couple of bouncers that are well left.
40th over: England 143-4 (Malan 24, Bairstow 0) Malan thumps Starc through extra cover for four, a fine shot, and then hooks airily for two. He has raced to 24 from 25 balls, though not without alarm. After the relatively slow scoring of the first two Tests, this is infectiously frenetic stuff - not just Test cricket, but testosterone cricket too. Just watching it makes me want to beat my chest.
39th over: England 136-4 (Malan 17, Bairstow 0) Thanks Geoff, hello everyone. That was an unacceptable decision from the usually excellent Aleem Dar, but it shouldn’t obscure the fact that Australia have been all over England since lunch. It’s been utterly thrilling, the kind of cricket only the WACA can produce. England, who were looking good at 89 for one, are right on the brink after an hour of furious chin music.
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38th over: England 131-4 (Malan 12, Bairstow 0) Bairstow is the new man in at the wicket, and Smyth is the new man in on the OBO. (Acronym.) England teetering, match in balance. That’s it for me, farewell until Day 4.
WICKET! Stoneman c Paine b Starc 56 (England 131-4)
Huge overturn from the third umpire. Short ball from Starc, past the glove.
Stoneman was trying to get out of the way, swaying back while trying to cover his throat with his glove. The ball soared over his back shoulder as he was squared up. Paine took a fine one-handed take and appealed. The umpire said not out. The players reviewed. On the replays, there is no Hot Spot, and there is a tiny burble on Snicko. On the basis of the latter, the decision has been overturned. Was that comprehensive enough to reverse an on-field decision? You tell me. The bottom hand was off the bat, but the top hand was attached, and that’s the glove the ball may have just flicked.
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37th over: England 130-3 (Stoneman 56, Malan 11) Cummins, predictably, settles in for the short-ball attack to Stoneman. The batsman has kind of got the measure of the bowling this over, and gets under and across and behind deliveries with reasonable effectiveness. Gets through a maiden over. My score read 1230 for 3 for a minute there. Sorry if I gave any English folk false hope.
“You could say bad luck to Root, but that is only because Stoneman has taken it all,” says Nick Wilson using the pie chart theory. Also, “You just haven’t had a good dragonfruit in Asia. Glorified water, but nice glorified water.”
36th over: England 130-3 (Stoneman 56, Malan 11) If only we’d started today’s run of jokes in the last game, I could have brought you the day-night Test from Fruit Saladelaide. Alas. We’ll have to settle for Mitchell Starc being an Italian football club, coming into Malan. Left-arm over to left-hand batsman. Pacey. Nearly has one fended to short leg. Bancroft’s giant head is protected under a giant helmet. It’s blocking out the sun like Monty Burns’ robot. Starc slips down leg, and Malan helps it along to the fine leg fence. Then edges, out of control! Over the slips from a big drive. Oh, this is not relaxing stuff.
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35th over: England 122-3 (Stoneman 56, Malan 3) Sticking with the short-ball attack, Cummins to Malan. There’s another appeal for a leg-side catch, but Paine was so embarrassed by this one that he turned his back on the umpire while throwing the ball up. “Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me!” Malan eventually gets a fuller ball, and gets off the mark with a cover drive for three.
While @GeoffLemonSport gets all linguistically philosophical in the #Ashes OBO, the only bit I understood was the dad jokes in the preamble.
— Dr Tim Senior (@timsenior) December 14, 2017
Something for everyone.
34th over: England 119-3 (Stoneman 56, Malan 0) Stone(fruit)man hasn’t scored since he was hit. Remedies this halfway through the Hazlewood over, opening the face and gliding a boundary down through the cordon. But all the short balls that over, Stoneman looks very uncomfortable. Keeps taking his eye off the ball and jerking away from it. Then gets beaten by one pitched up, another grope without hope. Only the really high bouncer is comfortable enough to get underneath.
Writes Daniel McDonald:
One fruit you haven’t used yet - Lemon. Is that because it is secretly an acronym, or maybe a pronounceable initialism? Is your surname not a fruit at all, but rather a prescient predictor of the prose you proffer in service of the beautiful irrelevance that is Test Cricket...
Language
Effortlessly
Melded
Onto
Nothing
(Add 14 footnotes to make David Foster Wallace proud).
33rd over: England 115-3 (Stoneman 52, Malan 0) Cummins celebrates that wicket with a snorting bouncer to Malan. I’m told that can’t be a dragonfruit, because they’re inevitably disappointing. They look good though. Maybe the dragonfruit is the ball that beats the bat by way too much to over be a threat.
Dragonfruit continues to have the biggest discrepancy between looks and flavour pic.twitter.com/eer9wbPVBG
— a most poor woman and a stranger (@byekitty) December 14, 2017
The Pat Cummins ball to Root was the opposite. Looked ordinary, but the result was delicious (for the bowler). Perhaps it was a feijoa?
WICKET! Root c Paine b Cummins 20
Oh, dear. What a way to go. Just a halfway short ball from Cummins, misdirected down the leg side. Root tries to get a nudge on it, but it’s a bit quick for him. The nudge he gets is too minimal, so instead of knocking the ball away for a run, he gloves it through to the wicketkeeper. Paine’s big appeal is rewarded, and Cummins gets an absolute bonus wicket. The England captain gone, the established batsman physically hampered. Do things fall away from here?
Updated
32nd over: England 115-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 20) Oh, no. Stoneman is hit. That’s rung every bell he has. Hazlewood bowls a very nasty bouncer, first ball of the over. Stoneman tries to turn and evade it, but it hits him below the right ear. Between the jawbone and the ear. The blow dislodges the neck guard at the back of the helmet and sends it flying to the ground. There’s a long medical assessment going on out there, though Stoneman is on his feet and smiling at the doctor.
Second ball of what has already been a long over. Dropped! He’s gone down again! This time it was a very difficult chance. Hazlewood went short again. Stoneman spliced it away to point for the umpteenth time today. Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon is patrolling out there. He lunges in, dives forward full stretch, and just, just, just can’t complete the snare in his fingertips. Torrid stuff for Stoneman, who blocks, then ducks, then wafts at one that should have taken the edge again. Back-foot push with no footwork. Of course he’s rattled by the blow. Can he get through? Does so, with a final defensive shot. What an over. The busiest maiden since Florence Nightingale.
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31st over: England 115-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 20) Four more for Root, who’s going at a T20 strike rate. This boundary came off the edge, but safely, played so softly by the England skipper. Runs it away through the cordon rather than seeing it fly away uncontrolled. Root 20 off 14 at this stage. Test cricket is easy, hey? Gets an unpleasant short ball from Cummins, right up around the bat handle, but Root is classy enough to get up, get enough bat on it, and drop it away.
Dropped!
30th over: England 111-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 16) Stoneman goes down, and Mitchell Marsh is the culprit! Well, Tim Paine dropped one in his first Test back, and so did Shaun Marsh. Now Mitchell continues the trend. Hazlewood set Stoneman up, pushed him back with three short balls, getting him ducking on the back foot. Then pitched up, drew the hesitant drive, got the edge, and it flew straight to first slip. Marsh went with his finger pointing up, even though the ball was low enough to cause him to crouch for it, and the ball burst through his thumbs, clocked him in the head, and rebounded away to safety. A maiden, but it should have been a wicket maiden.
29th over: England 111-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 16) And another boundary. Cummins starting from the other end, too straight, and Root flicks beautifully through midwicket. Then gets a shorter one just outside off, and Root punches off his back foot for four more! Runs flowing as Nelson comes up.
Half century! Stoneman 52 from 82 balls
28th over: England 100-2 (Stoneman 52, Root 6) Here we go. Sandwiches digested, juice boxes squeezed flat and inflated and popped on the bitumen. Hazlenut to (f)Root. First ball after lunch, driven off the outside half away through gully for four. Good start. Swings into Root’s pads thereafter, and the captain squirts it for a run. Stoneman gets a big fat juicy watermelon outside off, too short and some width, but he can’t cut that fruit. So Josh serves up another, and this time Stoneman slices the offering over gully for four.
There’s his pineapple! (If you’re not aware, this is a term for the yellow Australian 50-dollar note.) And the England hundred is up as well.
John Goldstein emails in. “I am really sad that this is the end of the Waca. All the Aussie cricket grounds seem to have developed in their own way and have all become distinct from each other. Even after many years of upgrades and rebuilds and so on. Just building new rather than developing seems odd from my point of view and more in keeping with baseball.
I know there is an argument that new grounds will make their own history but so many of them are designed by committee with advertising, corporate entertaining and multi-use convenience at the forefront and sod all about the sport itself.”
That’s probably a fair description about new stadia. Especially in this country, they have to be multi-use to be viable. I’m going to check out the new Perth Stadium tonight, so I’ll report back on the Day 4 OBO.
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Meanwhile, on the linguistics front, I can proudly report that Ravi and I are deep in the weeds.
@GeoffLemonSport Over 19 - "the act of usage itself is what defines language" - but that's a prescription itself - who decided that this should be the case? Wittgenstein? I spit me of him.
— Snowstorm StickyBelly (@palfreyman1414) December 14, 2017
Now you're talking. Usage has a different definition of "grammar" from grammarians. And the meaning of "meaning" is tricky - not inherently definitional. Why do you think philosophers are still arguing about it?
— Snowstorm StickyBelly (@palfreyman1414) December 14, 2017
James Sutherland is on the telly repeating the ICC statement that there’s no credible evidence that any fixing is involved in the Ashes. He says that if anything credible comes up, of course they’ll go hard at it, but at the moment nothing has. He also points out that Australian and England players are sufficiently well paid to remove the power of any financial lure, and that players have been jailed in the last few years so there are strong disincentives too.
Here’s the smart solution form OBO reader Neil Broderick. “Rather than ban sport betting why not legalise it and let the players get paid for fixing the match. After all who in their right mind would bet on a fixed match? So in a short period of time there would be no problem since there would be no bets.”
Genius.
Lunch - England 91 for 2
Well, sighs of relief for England after winning the toss today. Batting first on this pitch should be worth a lot. But a first session that’s about even, after the loss of a couple of wickets. England would probably have taken this, and Australia would probably still feel like they’re a wicket behind the game.
Stoneman has been excellent this morning, working hard through the tougher periods, but always playing positively when the ball was in his spot. He provided the early momentum after Cook was done for by Starc. Vince gave Stoneman good support, and once again threw away a good start with an unneeded shot. So Root will start the second session fresh to the wicket, and will need to come through for his team this afternoon.
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27th over: England 91-2 (Stoneman 48, Root 1) Last over before lunch, and it’s Lyon to bowl it. A short ball to Stoneman brings Root onto strike. He gets off the mark immediately, flicking a ball through midwicket for one. Stoneman smothers the last couple, and that is the session.
26th over: England 89-2 (Stoneman 47, Root 0) What a beauty! Hazlewood is fast and furious. Bouncer to Root first up, then a ball that seams viciously off the pitch. It started well wide of off, and cut back back the best part of a foot. Root left, and was right to do so, but could have lost his off peg anyway. Wicket maiden.
WICKET! Vince c Paine b Hazlewood 25 (England 89-2)
The fast bowler wins the battle in the end. Vince has been leaving and defending with intent, but this time he saw the fullish length and played a shot he didn’t need to play. Hazlewood gets more bounce and movement than anyone else from a full length, and he draws the nick behind. A string of maidens eventually brings a result. Vince is furious with himself.
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25th over: England 89-1 (Stoneman 47, Vince 25) Missed catch! Not a drop as such, more a chance that didn’t eventuate. With lunch approaching, Stoneman changes gears to defensive, blocking out a Lyon over. The last ball squeezes out to the leg side, and hits Cameron Bancroft on the boot at short leg. Loops up but nowhere near anyone.
Referencing one of my opening statements, Mark Turner has provided a Vogon Waca Poem.
Behold the Waca sky
Marvel at its ball red depth.
Tell me, Root do you
Wonder why the barmies ignore you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel bowled.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your rutched facial growth
That looks like wickets
And more, it sees
Your squiffle potting shed
Smells of boxes.
Everything under the big cricket sky
Asks why, why I wrote such verse
You only charm googly.
24th over: England 89-1 (Stoneman 47, Vince 25) Vince is winning the patience battle. Five balls from Hazlewood, defends two, leaves three. Stoneman began the over with another leg bye. These two have battled through the new ball threat now, and they have 50-odd overs to cash in. Can they do what they didn’t do in Brisbane, and go on with this chance.
One from Robert Wilson earlier. Cook may no longer be with us, but I’ve no doubt Robert is.
“There were strongminded assertions about early to bed and early to side but it’s the bleeding WACA innit. Perth Tests always make me feel like I’m 12 years old (with added smoking and drinking). I’m sad that it’s the last one but, as Donna once said in The West Wing, I’m monumentally pumped. I’m looking for Warner to get a million and Cook to bat for a year (plus, you know, lots of too-fast-for-the-naked-eye wickets). Besides, there’s a meteor shower later and I might step out for that. I don’t suppose you could tell me what direction is southwest from here? I know Spain is down there somewhere.”
23rd over: England 88-1 (Stoneman 47, Vince 25) Smashed four four! That wasn’t a papaya, but Stoneman tucked in anyway. Decent delivery from Lyon gets a big slog-sweep, and while it’s not entirely controlled, it bounces out through a vacant square leg region for four apples. Then a cover punch for one. Stoneman on the verge of his pineapple.
22nd over: England 83-1 (Stoneman 42, Vince 25) Like a forest, James Vince is all about the leaves. Happy to make Hazlehuffandpuff for no reward. Gets on strike with a leg bye, then calmly sees out the rest of the over.
21st over: England 82-1 (Stoneman 42, Vince 25) Talk about intent! Lyon bowls a touch full, and Vince is onto it in no time. Advances, creams it through cover for four. That will give him some confidence. He’s holding back when required, but showing he has what it takes when the opportunity comes. Really good knock thus far.
20th over: England 77-1 (Stoneman 41, Vince 21) A maiden for Hazlewood, as Vince forswears temptation and leaves bat unused.
19th over: England 77-1 (Stoneman 41, Vince 21) It’s GOAT time. Or by the Guardian guide, should that be Goat time? Confusing. Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon lands his first ball beautifully. Round the wicket to the left-handed Stoneman, turning it away. Stoneman sweeps a single. Vince comes down the wicket to drive one. They each repeat the dose. England trying to be proactive against Australia’s dangerous tweaker.
A few people have written in on this topic, so here’s Ian Forth. “Acronyms are only acronyms if they form a word. WACA, yes; FBI, no. FIFA, yes; ICC, no. FBI and ICC are merely initialisms. Or sometimes initialisations.”
I respectfully disagree. Interesting how often OBOs (an acronym) become discussions of linguistic prescriptivism. Those definitions may once have had a stricter separation, but the act of usage itself is what defines language. Hence, language and definition changes with and is shaped by usage and adoption. If a word is broadly enough used for a thing, the word comes to mean that thing. The FBI is an acronym, because that’s how a large number of English speakers would define it. Hanging on to outdated definitions doesn’t achieve much. It just becomes a means of performative rectitude.
18th over: England 73-1 (Stoneman 39, Vince 19) James Vince nearly nicks off as he has already in this series, to a full swinging ball angled across him from Starc. It beats him for pace though, luckily for him. He blocks. He leaves. He survives. Starc pounds down another bouncer that clears Paine, for four more byes! Tough on the keeper, though he could have got a bit more elevation there. Ian Healy is already giving England 400 here. Easy, tiger.
17th over: England 69-1 (Stoneman 39, Vince 19) Vince squirts a single from Cummins first ball of the over. He’s not seeing much of the bowling. Stoneman is seeing it well. A couple of blocks, then he gets a juicy cantaloupe and feasts on it, dead straight down the ground. Juice running off his chin. Cummins is not happy and responds with a short ball.
16th over: England 64-1 (Stoneman 35, Vince 18) Finally, an ugly shot from Stoneman. He’s been working hard, but slips there. Sees the width of Starc’s delivery and flaps at it, but wasn’t in position to play, and was trying to drive on the up. Lucky to miss that ball, and the Australians think momentarily about a DRS review. But no.
@GeoffLemonSport Hello Geoff. Sat here on the runway at in snowed-in Detroit airport for 4 hours. Morale and pretzels running low. Kids fractious. I heard there’s a cricket match on? Anything to raise the spirits.
— Nick Fisher (@nef601) December 14, 2017
Hope you’re in the air soon, Nick.
15th over: England 63-1 (Stoneman 35, Vince 17) Ian Chappell with some interesting analysis of Stoneman’s technique to the short ball. Chappelli says you can’t play it standing upright at this ground, because the steepness of bounce means you’ll rarely be in control of your shot. You have to evade, duck, sway, and trust the bounce. Stoneman starting to show a few signs of getting into that rhythm, rather than continuing to jab with the splice. But he’s still getting forward to the full ball. Blocks out most of Cummins’ over after ducking a bouncer.
14th over: England 62-1 (Stoneman 35, Vince 16) Away after drinks, with Starc to continue. The Australians a little annoyed at this fast start, you would think. If England could go in at 120-1 at lunch, they’d be over the moon. Long way to go before that happens though. Vince punches three through cover.
@GeoffLemonSport re the match-fixing stuff. How about we just ban spot betting? It’s a silly thing to bet on anyway
— Roscommon the Cat (@Roscommon_Cat) December 14, 2017
Well, most of the gambling happens illegally anyway, so legislation isn’t going to do much.
13th over: England 58-1 (Stoneman 34, Vince 13) England loving this first hour. A couple more singles worked from Cummins, then Vince survives an appeal after it struck high. The drinks break approaches, and you might expect a little caution, but Vince is feeling so delighted to be alive that he lashes the last ball with a square drive for four. Beverage break.
12th over: England 52-1 (Stoneman 33, Vince 8) Short leg in for Stoneman. Starc pitches full instead. A couple of runs punched through cover off the back foot. Then to finish the over - that’s a dragonfruit! It takes off like Falcor, wide of the batsman but clears the keeper for four byes. So the curators have found a bit of something after all. We’ll see if it survives with the older ball.
“As a West Australian expat,” writes Matt Harris, “it’s going to be sad to see the end of the Waca and its unique character. I know the journalists and others who occasionally have to work there have more complicated feelings about the old venue. But to me, being sunburnt to within an inch of one’s life on a patch of grass in East Perth is one of life’s great pleasures. I once had one of those molded plastic arm casts melt during a Waca Test. It’s almost a shame that the weather for this week looks decidedly mild.”
I once had my own arms melt during a Waca Test. Had to type with my face for a week.
11th over: England 46-1 (Stoneman 31, Vince 8) Stoneman has gone into the cordon more times than a Vietnam War protestor. This time it’s off the edge, but he plays it with soft hands and a bat angled back, so again plays it into the ground first. Maybe this is just really good, survivalist batting. Takes a single. Vince happy to soak up deliveries, getting a feel for it out there. His restraint in Brisbane was impressive in the first innings.
You asked for it, Sheppard. There’s a Carmen Miranda hat of a session coming your way.
@GeoffLemonSport Please keep the fruit-based metaphors coming. A lovely pear there. pic.twitter.com/hT2BjLFZBK
— Matt Sheppard (@Sheppardism) December 14, 2017
10th over: England 45-1 (Stoneman 30, Vince 8) Another short one from Stoneman fended into the gully. Is that four fends now? None of them that controlled, at first glance, but he’s managed to get them all to ground so perhaps there is technique in his madness? Am I just being generous? Hazlewood goes very short, proper W.A.C.A. short ball from a NSW visitor, and Stoneman has all the time in the world to slide down the fireman’s pole and into the basement. Finally escapes the exam with a clunky prod into the covers for one. Vince has two balls to face. Blocks the first. Drives the next through midwicket for four. Proper shot, got on the front foot to that one, lifted his back leg as he gave it the full face with a genuine on-drive. Lovely stuff.
Ben Mimmack is bullish. “I‘m calling it now. Stoneman is getting a century before lunch.”
Jason Gillespie in depth on The Final Word podcast
Now then. If you haven’t found this, may I highly recommend it. Adam Collins and I meant to sit down for 20 minutes with Jason Gillespie. We ended up talking for an hour, because he was such an interesting and insightful character, whether on cricket or the wider world beyond.
Yes, he talks about bowling and injury and back scans that “light up like a Christmas tree.” But he also speaks with insight about ethics and politics, grieving the death of his father, coaching philosophy, the trend of vegan athletes, his own “lightbulb moment”, having alternative views in a macho sport, and being professionally romanced by Andrew Strauss. It’s a wonderful way of getting to know one of cricket’s genuinely good people.
If you want to download the episode or subscribe, you can do that here.
Or if you want to listen on the Guardian site, it’s below.
9th over: England 40-1 (Stoneman 29, Vince 4) Pat Cummins is on for the 9th over. He starts above 140 kilometres per hour immediately. He’s been so important this series so far, taking key wickets when they were really needed, even though he hasn’t taken piles in any one innings. Scorecards are mute prisoners of history. Some nice deliveries to start, but late in the over Vince gets off the mark with a trademark glorious cover drive. Doesn’t nick this one. Four.
“Afternoon Geoffrey,” emails Patrick O’Brien. “Cook falling over himself to get out is reminiscent of the Final Days of Ponting, R. Might have one more innings in him but he seems gone daddyo.” Hmm. That was here at Perth too. Ponting on hands and knees after being cleaned up by Jacques Kallis.
8th over: England 36-1 (Stoneman 29, Vince 0) Another fend to gully! Stoneman again hops up on his toes and can’t control the short ball, with Hazlewood’s steep bounce. Shane Warne reckons the bounce out of this pitch is only going to last as long as the ball is new. So England are negotiating this period well, even if it looks hairy from time to time. Survival is all that matters. And when Stoneman gets a full ball straight, he punishes it through square leg for four.
On Australian place names, Yum counsels us “not to forget the Obi Obi Hall in Obi Obi Rd, Obi Obi.”
7th over: England 32-1 (Stoneman 25, Vince 0) Gee, the action keeps happening. First Mitchell Starc break’s Stoneman’s bat, snapping the handle as the batsman defends. Then bowls a short one that is gloved just in front of gully. Then pitches up and is driven gloriously through the non-striker’s legs for four. Gets off strike with a one, and Vince leaves the last ball.
6th over: England 27-1 (Stoneman 20, Vince 0) Hazlewood to Stoneman. Beats the edge, then jams a short ball up in the air off the splice. No short leg. A single results. Hazlewood looks menacing. “He’s consistently now 8 to 10 kilometres per hour quicker than he was at the Gabba just three weeks ago,” says Mark Taylor.
5th over: England 26-1 (Stoneman 19, Vince 0) James Vince in. Lets the first couple of balls slide across him from the left-armer, and that’s the Starc over.
Yeah that's out.https://t.co/57Bmg3zS3P #Ashes pic.twitter.com/aQxh8CZQid
— cricket.com.au (@CricketAus) December 14, 2017
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WICKET! Cook lbw Starc 7 (England 26-1)
The helter-skelter continues! Starc has kept attacking the stumps this morning. Cook glanced him for two from the first ball, well saved by Hazlewood in the deep. But the second beat him for swing and pace, nailing him on the front pad as the batsman fell over trying to repeat the shot. Cook’s head remained down, not wanting to even look at the umpire. He knew he was stone, man.
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4th over: England 21-0 (Cook 5, Stoneman 16) Now Cook’s into the action. Moves his feet nicely to Hazlewood and drives through cover for four. Loving this outfield, versus Brisbane where every four was a three. Hazlewood hits back with another beauty that just beats the outside edge. Bounce and movement. A terrific battle in the early stages.
“If you write Waca Ground as opposed to WACA Ground,” writes Dylan Wilson, “how would the uninitiated know it stands for something? Surely it could easily be taken as one of those quirky weird Australian place names like Dunedoo, Tittybong and Wee Waa?”
Excellent point. Please take it up with the Guardian style guiders.
3rd over: England 17-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 16) Starc targeting Cook’s pads, and the Englishman jams a single out to midwicket to open his Dollarmite Savings Account. Starc continues with an absolute beauty to Stoneman. What a delivery. It started on middle, Stoneman tried to play it to leg, and it swung past the attempted shot, squared him up completely, and missed the edge and stumps. Absolute peach. Then Starc follows up with a couple of rotten papayas, a full toss on leg that is glanced for four, then another higher one clipped through midwicket. Two fours in a row for Stoneman, then he gets width and square drives four! What a start from the new guy. Width there, and didn’t swing hard but just used Starc’s pace to guide it away. Fast outfield, make the most of it.
Thanks as always to @GeoffLemonSport for the guardian OBO. I'm currently working in an office across the road from the WACA - so close, yet so far.
— Ya boy, Steve. (@ranga404) December 14, 2017
Just found out from @guardian_sport / @GeoffLemonSport that it’s only 23 degrees in Perth. WHY is there a conspiracy against me being warm on this holiday, ever? (I’m going to Perth on Saturday)
— a most poor woman and a stranger (@byekitty) December 14, 2017
2nd over: England 4-0 (Cook 0, Stoneman 4) Swing for Hazlewood as well. He’s coming over the wicket, swings his second ball too much, and it hits Stoneman but would have been going just down leg. This is a testing start for the England pair. Hazlewood slips wide. It’s full, and crashed through the covers for four. Stoneman laces it. “Look at his head, look at his hands,” enthuses KP, as Stoneman got everything going towards the line of that ball and utterly middled it. Parry and thrust.
1st over: England 0-0 (Cook 0, Stoneman 0) Starc to begin. He’s bowling to Cook, who is playing his 150th Test match. There was a presentation of a special cap to the former captain from the current, just before play. An amazing career he’s had, in terms of longevity and output. Starc is swinging the ball, and Cook is leaving it just outside off stump. Immediately questions if a ball swings back in.
KP on the telly is swallowing his feelings to try to say something nice about his former captain. “He’ll be doing whatever he can - he’s a proud man a stubborn man - to get back into this series.”
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England win the toss and will bat
Sorry, got distracted by the corruption stuff there. England go in unchanged, while Australia has brought in Mitchell Marsh for Peter Handscomb.
England: Cook, Stoneman, Vince, Root*, Malan, Bairstow+, Moeen, Woakes, Overton, Broad, Anderson.
Australia: Bancroft, Warner, Khawaja, Smith*, S Marsh, M Marsh, Paine+, Starc, Cummins, Lyon, Hazlewood.
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Talk to me
As ever, we want you. Send me a tweet at @GeoffLemonSport, or an email at geoff.lemon@theguardian.com. All day, all night.
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Match-fixing, or talking about match-fixing
So-called. OK, we have to address this because it’s... not exactly a big story, but a loud story going around this morning. My initial impression is a lack of substance. A British paper has reported a sting in which some dodgy characters talked a big game, offering to spot-fix passages of play in the Perth Test. The report has a lot of detail about what they offered to fix, but doesn’t have anything about any actual players being involved. Which is kind of necessary for fixing.
So at this stage the story is: two guys with no known connections to any Australian or English cricketers offered an undercover journo something that they have no way to deliver, in exchange for large amounts of cash. While it may shock you to suggest that criminals might lie for money, that’s the sad reality of the modern world we live in.
One would also think that if any fixes were actually happening, the newspaper would hold off its report until the deed had been done. Just like with Salman Butt and company. Why trigger the sting before the event? The only reason is if you won’t have a story after the event, so you want to get in now.
Anyway. All the acronyms – ICC, CA, ECB – have to take these things seriously, so they’re looking into it.
A spokesperson from Cricket Australia said: “The allegations raised by media outlets are of serious concern. Cricket Australia takes a zero-tolerance approach against anybody trying to bring the game into disrepute. Cricket Australia will co-operate fully with any ICC Anti-Corruption Unit investigation.”
Alex Marshall, the ICC anti-crookery boss, said “From my initial assessment of the material, there is no evidence, either from The Sun or via our own intelligence, to suggest the current Test Match has been corrupted. At this stage of the investigation, there is no indication that any players in this Test have been in contact with the alleged fixers.”
If anyone runs out six partners today, we’ll reconvene on the subject.
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However you spell it, we’re told this will be the last Ashes Test at the W.A.C.A / Waca / Whacker / Waqar Younis. I strongly suspect it will be the last Test of any kind. The new stadium looms just over the river, a monolith of concrete and glass sitting on the skyline like a Vogon spaceship. The idea was to use it for the big teams, and keep smaller drawing sides playing at the old ground. But I suspect once the new ground has had an India Test next summer and a few one-day games, those running it will just want to keep all matches there in future.
And so the W.A.C.A. fades into history. All its myth and legend will only grow, with no current reality to detract from it. To fill in the time, why not read Ali Martin’s farewell. Or you can read from Vic Marks, a rare cricketer in that he’s an Englishman who won a Sheffield Shield playing for Western Australia back in the mid 1980s. A wealth of knowledge lies within his bonce, and he has the uncanny ability to make it come out of his fingers.
I have just remembered that under the Guardian’s house style, I should type the ground’s name as the Waca, not the WACA. Never the WACA. On the Guardian, acronyms that are said as words are then typed as words, whereas ones that are said as letters are typed as letters. Hello FBI and CIA.
Sometimes, though, a formal gent like Richie Benaud would say, “Welcome to the W.A.C.A. ground,” so as far as I’m concerned that punctuation is totally legit.
What’s going on in Perth
To set the scene: we hear a lot about the fast and bouncy Waca, but this is a bit like Uncle Rico telling you when he used to be a star quarterback. “Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we woulda been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.” After they relaid the square around the turn of the millenium, it’s mostly been a pudding. Flat track, millions of runs in it. The groundsman is leaving for the MCG after this Test, and it’ll be the last Ashes Test at the Waca, so he may have been tempted to leave a lot of grass on it and make it more a bowler’s wicket. But even then, the glimpses we had seemed pretty dry, and Steve Smith reckoned it was a bit soft as well yesterday. So, win the toss and bat. And bat. And bat. Joe Root had better hope his mob can find those hundreds they’ve been searching for.
It’s a warm and bright day in Perth, but no more than warm - a gentle 23 degrees at pleasant, as opposed to the 40+ it was through the last Ashes Test here in 2013. Hoo boy, that was fun. The sun is brighter here than anywhere else on earth, for reasons unknown to me or to science, but it’s a scientific opinion fact. But you may be interested to know that there is rain forecast for days four and five, so perhaps the draw is on the cards if neither team does anything silly.
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Preamble
Greetings and salutations from all Perthlings to those travellers from distant stars. From the western coast of this continent island, from Albany to Fitzroy Crossing, Margaret River to Broome, we say: welcome. And I would like to purge the earth of people... sorry, urge the people of Perth, to open their arms wide to all as the Ashes Mach III looms on the near horizon like a menacing new stadium about to render obsolete a clunky old concrete dinosaur.
Mixed enough metaphors in there? I have no idea what’s happening anymore.
The only part that actually matters, however, is that the cricket is about to get underway. Not an insect undertaking a long journey, but a game of the same name which will soon start. After the next 75 scarce minutes that we have together alone and undistracted, cricketless, another Test match will begin.
Australia versus England. You may have heard something about this contest. If you haven’t, it’s about two countries that quite like each other really but have a hard time expressing their emotions because of the suffocating effects of patriarchal culture, thus can only express fondness through theatrical violence of the physical, verbal, psychic, and spiritual kind. On the plus side, this has turned into a form of expression that is quite compelling to watch.
The Ashes are on the line, with England 2-0 down. A win here, and the Aussies get them back. But if England can come back and attain a result, the series remains open into Melbourne and Sydney, the holiday games of the year.
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Geoff will be here shortly. In the meantime, here’s Vic Marks on Australia’s love of the sledge:
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