Still want more? Here’s Vic Marks’ report on a famous day in Perth, and Joe Root’s reaction to the humbling series defeat …
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I think that’s the post-match interviews done, so it’s probably time to wrap up the blog. Congratulations to Australia, who have thumped England and have every chance of winning the series 5-0. Thanks to all of you for keeping us company during the series. Merry Christmas, see you at the MCG!
Stick a fork in it, we're done here. Right, I'm off to watch the darts! #Ashes https://t.co/qJzrg3YqtU
— Andrew Miller (@miller_cricket) December 18, 2017
Here’s Steve Smith again, this time on BT Sport “So much preparation has gone into this, and to wrap up in three matches is exceptional. The fast bowlers are absolute superstars. They each bring something different to the group. A lot of work has been done to ensure they were fit for this series. And Nathan Lyon is bowling as well as I’ve ever seen.
“We’ve had some ups and downs in the last 12-18 months. A lot of credit has to go to selectors for the bold changes they made before the first Test. We didn’t worry too much about England, we wanted to do our jobs properly. We did have plans for the tail, that’s been pretty clear. I’m incredibly excited about celebrating with all the boys and the support staff tonight. We deserve to have a really good celebration.”
Amen to that.
Geoffrey Boycott speaks “The best team won. Simple.”
Wow @tdpaine36 to think just a few months ago you could have (were) been selling Cricket equipment & looking after current test players gear. Instead drinking 🍻 as a crucial part of the team. #lifestwists 👏👏👏
— Darren Berry (@ChuckBerry1969) December 18, 2017
Joe Root is chatting again, this time on BT Sport “It’s bitterly disappointing. We’ve played some really good cricket but not for long enough, and Australia have grasped the crucial moments. It’s very frustrating that we’ve not managed to be ruthless. Sometimes things can slip away from you without you realising; maybe we needed to be a bit smarter at times. A lot of credit has to go to Australia; they’ve won the key moments.
“I’ve been pleased with the way the inexperienced lads have batted. You want people like myself with more experience to chip in and I haven’t been able to do that. I feel like I’ve tried absolutely everything as a captain on the field.”
Australia you f#%*ing beauty!!! 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺 #ashes2017 #returnoftheurn #3nil
— Mitchell Johnson (@MitchJohnson398) December 18, 2017
Yes Australia! The little beaut of a thing is home! #cmonaustralia ##🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺 #ashes
— Ryan Harris (@r_harris413) December 18, 2017
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“Morning Rob,” says David Horn. “It used to be that a first innings score of 400 brought a reasonable promise of not losing. Now, three times in the last 13 months, we’ve posted 400, batting first, and not only lost, but lost by an innings. Harumph.”
Yes that’s extraordinary, the kind of stat that can give a team a complex.
Teams to score 400 in first innings and lose by innings
— Peter Miller (@TheCricketGeek) December 18, 2017
Inns and 75 - England, Chennai 2016
inns and 41 - England, Perth, 2017
Inns and 39 - England, Oval, 1930
Inns and 36 - England, Mumbai, 2016
Inns and 18 - Pakistan, MCG, 2016
Inns and 14 - Sri Lanka, Cardiff, 2011
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Steve Smith is the Man of the Match “I couldn’t care less who gets Man of the Match to be honest with you. I’m just so proud of the boys; to get that urn back, it’s quite amazing. Nathan Lyon and the fast bowlers have been magnificent. We haven’t won a toss and we’ve probably had the toughest of the conditions. The boys have done a terrific job to get 20 wickets in every game. It was horrible last night, I’ve never seen weather like that here in Perth. The boys started really well this morning, and we worked really hard to get those last wickets. I think a lot of credit has to go to the selectors as well - they made some bold moves, and everyone they picked has come in and done a great job. We’ll celebrate this one first - it’s not every day you win an Ashes series - and then we’ll get to Melbourne for an amazing occasion, an Ashes Boxing Day Test. Maybe we can make it 4-0 and then 5-0 in Sydney.”
Joe Root speaks “It’s very difficult to take. Fair play to Australia, they’ve outplayed us in all three games. When we got here this morning it wasn’t fit to play but it dried up and by the end it was probably fit to play. We’ve got to learn and make sure we’re better, but some good things have come from this week - Dawid Malan and Jonny Bairstow’s partnership in particular, and the way Vincey played in the second innings. It looked like the only way they’d get him out was with a ball like that.”
England have had chances in all three Tests, particularly at Brisbane, but their spirit was steadily worn down by a superb, relentless bowling attack, and the cold, dead bat of Steve Smith. There will be a lot of outrage from the social-media narcissists but England didn’t make any enormous mistakes; they weren’t and aren’t good enough, not in these conditions.
The Australian celebrations are relatively subdued, certainly compared to 2013-14. I suppose they have known for a couple of days that this moment was coming. Maybe for a couple of years. They aren’t a great team, but they have great players who have left an indelible stamp on the series - none more so than their ridiculous genius of a captain.
Pat Cummins claimed the final wicket, with Chris Woakes steering a short ball through to Tim Paine. The team jump staright into a huddle, bouncing around in triumph. Those few seconds of celebration the memory of which will tingle their spines forever, makes every sacrifice worthwhile: all those hours in the gym, all those extra net sessions, all those hours of driving past McDonald’s with a moist mouth.
They have battered England, as they usually do in Australia. Steve Smith runs off to find the matchball and hands it to Josh Hazlewood, a lovely touch, and now the players on both sides are shaking hands on the field.
AUSTRALIA REGAIN THE ASHES!!!!!!
WICKET! England 218 all out (Woakes c Paine b Cummins 22). AUSTRALIA WIN BY AN INNINGS AND 41 RUNS.
They’ve got ‘em back!
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72nd over: England 218-9 (Woakes 22, Anderson 1) Starc replaces Hazlewood for what might be the penultimate over before tea. Woakes gives Anderson the last two balls to survive - and he does, to loud cheers from the Barmy Army. Do they ever get upset? Do they realise the score?
71st over: England 217-9 (Woakes 20, Anderson 1) Anderson has a nasty red lump just below his right ear, where he was hit by Cummins. He pushes a single to get off strike; Woakes blocks four balls and then steals a bye to the keeper off the last ball to retain strike. Anderson would have been run out had Paine’s underarm throw hit the stumps.
England were 368 for 4 on the second morning and are about to lose by an innings. That takes some doing.
— Lawrence Booth (@the_topspin) December 18, 2017
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70th over: England 215-9 (Woakes 20, Anderson 0) Woakes, who has batted well in the face of certain doom, blocks Hazlewood’s first five deliveries and then flaps a hook for four off the last ball. That means Cummins will have another crack at Anderson - if he doesn’t retire hurt. He has called out the physio between overs and is taking some painkillers.
“Oh well, it was nice while it lasted,” says Guy Hornsby. “Normal service resumed: misery, nihilism, hangovers, and regret. But enough about Christmas, bring on the dead rubbers!”
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get really drunk tonight.
69th over: England 211-9 (Woakes 16, Anderson 0) Anderson is beaten by a couple of short balls from Cummins, who is hammering the middle of the pitch, but he survives the remainder of the over.
“What say you, Mr. Smyth?” says Bill Hargreaves. “Where lies hope? Slash and burn job on the senior members of the team? Re-think of development of batting and bowling at home, e.g. use of some sort of artificial pitch designed to mimic Australian conditions? Or should we just write off these overseas jobbies and focus on having a team that will have us feeling good on our own grounds?”
They really need to look at the development of pace and spin, but in the short term I wouldn’t make many changes. I’d get Hameed in as soon as his form allows, and spend a bit of time thinking about the roles of Bairstow and Moeen. I like the idea, suggested by Simon Wilde on TMS at lunchtime, of giving Stuart Broad a break for the New Zealand tour.
68.3 overs: England 211-9 (Woakes 16, Anderson 0) Anderson is smacked on the side of the head by a vicious first-ball bouncer from Cummins. The Australians all charge in to see if he’s okay, a nice touch at the end of a contest that hasn’t oozed goodwill. Anderson is having a concussion check with the physio. I doubt he’ll retire hurt. It would be a strange way for Australia to win the Ashes.
WICKET! England 211-9 (Broad c Paine b Cummins 0)
Australia are one wicket away from the promised land! Broad is bounced out by Cummins for a second-ball duck, and the last man Jimmy Anderson trudges to the crease. The urn is about to return.
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68th over: England 210-8 (Woakes 16, Broad 0) “Hi Rob,” says Will Padmore. “Surely Paul Collingwood in the match that won’t be spoken of made more runs in the match than Malan today. 220 odd. It won’t show up on stats guru because he didn’t make a 50 in the second innings. So Malan has got the most runs in a match for an England batsman since 2006/07 not the 60s.”
Ah yes, good point. I cocked that link up. At this rate I’ll be banished from the staternity! This is the correct link, with Malan not quite so high on the list.
WICKET! England 210-8 (Overton c Khawaja b Hazlewood 12)
Hazlewood gets a richly deserved five-for. Overton, having hit two boundaries earlier in the over, gets a leading edge that is smartly taken by Khawaja in the gully.
67th over: England 202-7 (Woakes 16, Overton 4) Cummins goes around the wicket to bomb Overton, who turns a short delivery towards leg gully. Lyon can’t hold a difficult low chance and runs straight off the field, with blood coming from his bowling hand. Graeme Swann, commentating on BT Sport, thinks he may have broken the nail on his second finger. Overton flicks another short ball towards leg gully, where the new fielder Warner can’t quite reach the ball as he leaps to his left.
“Crack bowler Cummins bowling to a bowler with a cracked rib on a cracked pitch,” says Yum. “Cricket, it’s a cracking game.”
66th over: England 201-7 (Woakes 16, Overton 3) “Why,” says Nick Byrne, “don’t we have the short-form games first to ensure maximum time for players to acclimatise to Aus conditions?”
Even if they did that, you usually have a different team for the short-form games.
65th over: England 199-7 (Woakes 15, Overton 2) Cummins shows no sympathy for Overton, ramming a few short balls past the body. Overton looks like the Michelin Man, such is the level of protection around his cracked rib, but he gets diligently in line and then gets off the mark with a drive for two. It’s interesting how often, when England are thrashed in Australia, their most impressive players are those with little or no experience: Darren Gough in 1994-95, Dean Headley in 1998-99, Michael Vaughan in 2002-03, Ben Stokes last time and now Malan and Overton.
64th over: England 197-7 (Woakes 15, Overton 0) Malan made 194 runs in the match, the fifth-highest total by an England middle-order batsman in Australia and the most since 1962-63. The new batsman is the injured Overton, who is beaten by his first two deliveries. Hazlewood has been majestic in this game, with overall figures of seven for 126.
WICKET! England 196-7 (Malan c Paine b Hazlewood 54)
Three more. Malan’s fine innings ends tamely when he gloves a pull down the leg side to Tim Paine. It was a poor ball from Hazlewood, short outside leg stump, but he’s probably earned that luck with all the unrewarded jaffas earlier in the day.
63rd over: England 196-6 (Malan 54, Woakes 15) Woakes drives Starc through extra cover for three, with the patrol dog Warner saving the boundary, and then flicks four through midwicket. Shot! England trail by 63 and Steve Smith is chuntering about something. He’s not exactly a pasrgon of patience in the field, is he.
62nd over: England 188-6 (Malan 53, Woakes 8) That was a brilliant over from Hazlewood. One delivery jagged violently off a crack, forcing Malan to abort his pull stroke; another, much fuller, growled past the outside edge; then came that huge LBW appeal and finally another delivery that beat the bat.
“Am I the only one who thinks we can win this?” says Matt Simmonds. “ONLY 71 runs behind (at time of writing) with four wickets in hand. The Malanator at the crease. C’mon guys, this is in the bag. We’ll get a lead of 75 and we’ll skittle them this evening. Broad will receive unlikely redemption after his quickfire 50 with the bat and 8 for 8 with the ball. From there a 3-2 ashes victory is a CERTAINTY.”
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REVIEW! England 188-6 (Malan not out 53)
It pitched outside leg. Next!
AUSTRALIA REVIEW AGAINST MALAN!
A Hazlewood delivery keeps low and hits the jumping Malan on the flap of the pad. Marais Erasmus says not out but Australia review.
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61st over: England 188-6 (Malan 53, Woakes 8) Mitchell Starc is replacing Lyon. He could knife through England’s tail very quickly, especially with the ball reversing. Woakes just manages to dig out a yorker angled in from around the wicket. Another maiden.
“Comedy gold from Glenn McGrath on TMS,” says Ben Parker. “’And that’s hit Malan on the buttocks. I think it hit the crack.’”
60th over: England 188-6 (Malan 53, Woakes 8) The new bowler Hazlewood slips a good delivery past the edge of Malan, who plays an indeterminate cut stroke. There’s a bit of reverse swing for Hazlewood, who is an expert in that particular field. A maiden.
59th over: England 188-6 (Malan 53, Woakes 8) Malan has been easily the best of the England left-handers against Lyon, using his feet at every opportunity. He dances down to drive a single and then Woakes cuts past slip for ofur.
“Hey Rob!” says Mittu Choudhary. “England capitulating (almost) like this after putting in a good shift on the first day takes me back to the first Ashes I ever watched (2002/03) when Australia steamrolled England and England had to console themselves with a win in a dead rubber. It is a different matter that I was a big fan of the Aussies then, but now want the English to win. Seems like no matter who I support, the Aussies always win.”
Support South Africa when they play in Australia, Asian teams whenever the Aussies go on tour, and Zimbabwe if the DeLorean takes you back to 1983. You’re welcome!
58th over: England 183-6 (Malan 52, Woakes 4) Malan drags Cummins round the corner for four to reach another excellent half-century. There’s no celebration, just a handshake with Woakes. Cummins then gets one to hit a crack and jag into the backside of Malan, who gives it a zesty rub and smiles wryly at the vicissitudes of a fifth-day Waca pitch.
57th over: England 178-6 (Malan 48, Woakes 4) Craig Overton will bat with a cracked rib, but you wouldn’t expect him to be able to resist for long. So Australia are one wicket away from victory, and one of the best nights out of their lives. I wonder if they’ll go to the Avenue.
56th over: England 177-6 (Malan 47, Woakes 4) Cheers Geoff, hello there. Woakes’s batting – 67 runs at 13 – has been a disappointment in this series, but a four-hour 12 not out would change that. He gets three with a nice drive for three off Cummins.
55th over: England 171-6 (Malan 47, Woakes 1) Woakes to the crease, gets off the mark immediately by turning Lyon for a single. Which means he’ll have to face Cummins. And that, as they say, is that. It’s been tremendous fun bringing you all the rain delay action and poorly choreographed groundsman antics. Keep up the good fight against unnecessary garden equipment. Rob Smyth will guide you through the remaining 14 minutes of play, and I’ll catch you for Melbourne.
WICKET! Moeen Ali lbw Lyon 11 (England 172-6)
And a torrid tour for Moeen continues. Can barely buy a wicket, can’t get a half-decent price for his own. His opposing off-spinner keeps getting him out, and he’s not contributing to his team in any way bar being a safe pair of hands under a few outfield high balls. Standard off-spinner’s dismissal for Lyon: round the wicket to the leftie, straightening the ball at the stumps, defeating the forward prod, and hitting the batsman in front. Moeen doesn’t even bother to review.
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54th over: England 171-5 (Malan 46, Moeen 11) Yep, quick rotations. Pat Cummins back on. Starc has a foot problem, they told us earlier. Cummins is driven through cover by Moeen for four.
53rd over: England 166-5 (Malan 45, Moeen 7) Lyon doing his job if his job is to bowl tight at one end. “What is it with the Barmy Army appropriation of the Great Escape as being English?” asks Paul Bolster. “It is a little insulting given that 5 of the 50 killed were Aussies, along with Canadians, Poles, etc, and the only three to have successfully escaped were Norwegian and Dutch.” My rejoinder would be that the Barmy Army is now appropriating Go West, by the Village People. Also that the “etcetera” slightly undermines the insistence on full recognition and respect.
52nd over: England 165-5 (Malan 44, Moeen 7) Not sure what the ploy is here, but Starc is coming around the wicket to the left-hander, maybe just hoping to hit the cracks outside his leg stump and make something unplayable happen. All that happens this over is Starc concedes four leg byes and a run.
Behold me, behold Steve, two proud Australians.
@GeoffLemonSport late to the leaf blower party, but a group of people I used to run with would celebrate by emptying beers into the leaf blower intake to spray froth over the subject of celebration. Hazelwood could deserve one by stumps.
— Ya boy, Steve. (@ranga404) December 18, 2017
51st over: England 160-5 (Malan 43, Moeen 7) Keep getting singles first ball of the over, Dawid, that’s a good ploy. For you, at least. Moeen looks good against Lyon, uses his feet to defend, plays a couple of shots but to the field again. Not necessarily the bloke you want batting for a draw, but it’s good for hi if he at least stays positive. Suits his style.
Desolate despondency aside @GeoffLemonSport this pitch is, I believe the epithet goes, "spicy". It's reversing, spitting sideways off a length, and shooting low. Chilling. I know where I'd be at this point: deep fine leg.
— Guy Hornsby (@GuyHornsby) December 18, 2017
The second part of the post below is where England could conceivably make representations. Not that they haven’t been comprehensively outplayed, but if there’s been a material deterioration. I guess the umpires have decided there hasn’t been, but it would be good to hear their reasoning after play.
@GeoffLemonSport
— Benjamin Parker (@bnjmnprkr) December 18, 2017
2.7.2 Conditions shall be regarded as dangerous if there is actual and foreseeable risk to the safety of any player or umpire.
2.7.3 Conditions shall be regarded as unreasonable if, although posing no risk to safety, it would not be sensible for play to proceed.
50th over: England 159-5 (Malan 42, Moeen 7) Starc carries on. Malan escapes the examination first ball with another glance. Moeen cracks another drive at Warner. Ducks a couple of short ones. Is the pitch drying a bit, or has Starc just not hit the swamp zone? Hard to miss, it was pretty sizeable.
49th over: England 158-5 (Malan 41, Moeen 7) Lyon bowls another confusing and pointless maiden. Do they just want to keep rotating the quicks for full-thrttle bursts from the other end? Maybe that’s it. Three or four overs each.
Speaking of flip-flops, here’s Kimberley Thonger. “I strongly object to this constant use of the term ‘leaf blower’. My garden vacuum device is always set to suck and is therefore referred to in these parts as the ‘leaf sucker’, a more accurate description. However, I am prepared to compromise and suggest these items be referred to in future on OBO as either ‘leaf suckers stroke blowers’ or ‘leaf blowers stroke suckers’.”
Jesus, we’re working blue today. People are going to start sending me Urban Dictionary links again.
“It’s Megamaid, sir!”
48th over: England 158-5 (Malan 41, Moeen 7) Starc is all over the shop with this set. Bowls way down leg and condes four byes. Then way outside off for a wasted ball. Down leg again for a wasted lbw shout against Moeen. And again for a glanced single.
Obviously this is what we needed.
@GeoffLemonSport look what ad appears on my feed here in the USA - not sure if it would help dry out a wicket pic.twitter.com/ftvzt0gvNf
— richard peel (@senorpeel) December 18, 2017
47th over: England 153-5 (Malan 41, Moeen 6) Nathan Lyon. More like Nathan, why on? Facing the quicks looks as safe as riding the Superbike Grand Prix in flip-flops. One mistake and mincemeat. But the off-spinner comes on. Slapped for three through midwicket by Malan, then a single the same way from Moeen.
46th over: England 149-5 (Malan 38, Moeen 5) Starc comes on to try the Wet End, a name which some readers are unaccountably sniggering over. Gets a full ball hitting Moeen’s pad,but going down leg side. Moeen cracks a lovely cover drive but straight to Warner. It’s a maiden. Cameron Fink is back on the email to remind me that his Eltham dwelling brother also included me in a series of photographs “aiming a full-throttled leaf blower at each others faces for some dog’s-head-out-a-car-window portraits. Try getting that effect with a broom.”
At last, touché. Exhibit A, Your Honour.
From personal experience, this is the best use of a leaf blower I've seen. #Ashes pic.twitter.com/YsAbZoBAYO
— Geoff Lemon Sport (@GeoffLemonSport) December 18, 2017
45th over: England 149-5 (Malan 38, Moeen 5) Tell you what, if (when) England get bowled out here, you can’t blame them too much. Cummins bowls one from the safer end, and it still hits a crack and jags back a foot to hit Malan in the thigh pad. If one does that from a fuller length, it’s literally unstoppable. Another maiden.
“Not often a side concedes a record 650 in an innings then is a victim of outrageous injustice when they lose,” writes Ian Forth, who I hope is convening a team of lawyers.
44th over: England 149-5 (Malan 38, Moeen 5) Hazlewood though, this is the end where the action is. Moeen gets one that doesn’t move, and forces it off the back foot into the covers. He’s so relieved at having made contact that he just runs with the stroke, and would have been run out by half the pitch had Warner’s throw hit. “Get thee to a runnery!” Moeen shouted. I assume. Desperate to avoid strike.But he gets it back when Malan pulls, mistimed, to the sweeper at deep forward square.
I hope, Kevin, for all our sakes, that you are a master of the gentle art of parody.
@GeoffLemonSport I used be in the "leaf blowers are for gits, whats wrong with a broom" Camp...until i bought one (a Honda four-stroke beauty). Now I have a spotless drive. The road outside my house looks a right state though!
— Kevin Wesson (@KevinWessy) December 18, 2017
43rd over: England 146-5 (Malan 36, Moeen 4) Cummins just pounding bouncers at Moeen. Probably not that much of a worry, as they’re short enough that any wild deviation won’t bring much risk. Moeen is happy to duck, duck, duck. No goose.
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I’m a man of the people.
@GeoffLemonSport I'm with you regarding leaf blowers: the Body Corporate bloke that serviced the apartment block I used to live in in Melbourne would blow our leaves into the neighbouring block, only for their Body Corporate bloke to blow them back the next day.
— Tim Grey (@GreyTim) December 18, 2017
@GeoffLemonSport I have to believe the idiot with the hose would also be a leaf blower-wielding git, if the leaves were dry enough for it. He can be both kinds of idiot.
— matt cutback (@mattcutback) December 18, 2017
Honestly the @guardian OBO is getting me through this Monday. Even though there still hasn’t been any play. In depth talk of leaf blowers is gold , bless @GeoffLemonSport #ashes
— Louise (@louisebels90) December 18, 2017
42nd over: England 146-5 (Malan 36, Moeen 4) Sorry, but this is a farce. Hazlewood bowls right-arm over the wicket to a left-hander. The ball pitches on middle stump. It ends up at second slip. There is no intervention by bat or batsman. It just jags about eight feet off the dodgy area of the wicket. They run a bye when slip can’t take it cleanly. Sighs of relief for Moeen. Malan survives the over, including a leg-glanced four, but it’s absolute lottery stuff.
As Vic Marks pointed out a few moments ago, the drying process also involved up to 11 people standing around on the pitch on a good length for the batsman at the River End. Groundsmen, umpires, captains. Walking around for about two hours. Remember the fuss when Shahid Afridi had a little twinkle-toe twirl in Faisalabad? Yep.
41st over: England 141-5 (Malan 32, Moeen 4) Malan punches Cummins through cover for four, but Cummins is coming from the safe end. Bats out the rest of the over without alarms.
@GeoffLemonSport What's the rules around resuming play? Who makes the call - captains or umpires? What happens if one captain disagrees? Any appeal process available?
— TonyB (@TonyB_Melb) December 18, 2017
The umpires have the call, and the captains can either play or forfeit. Boards could lodge protests at the quality of a pitch after the event, and the ICC rates all pitches via the match referee. The question here is more the one below. I may have exaggerated Bairstow’s ball a bit, it hit halfway up the stump, but form where it pitched it should have come through at hip height or more, from where I was sitting.
@GeoffLemonSport When deciding if conditions are fit for play will umpires be using 19th, 20th or 21st century standards?
— Phillip Lewis (@PiP5Lewis) December 18, 2017
40th over: England 137-5 (Malan 28, Moeen 4) Well there you go. I was typing up the wicket description for Moeen and everything. He prodded at Hazlewood, edged it to Smith at slip, the ball dying on its way to the cordon. Smith had his fingers on the ground, the ball seemed to land on them and bobble up between the heels of his hands, at which point he snared the rebound. Looked out, or at least I’ve seen less conclusive ones given out. But for whatever reason, Moeen is spared by the third umpire. Just the one wicket from the over for JH.
WICKET! Bairstow b Hazlewood 14 (England 133-5)
First ball towards the wet end, and England have every reason to be filthy about the state of this wicket. Hazlewood bowls directly into the damp patch, the ball gets up about six inches off the turf, and crashes into Bairstow’s stumps. Nothing he could do about it, it’s the area that was already cracked yesterday where Starc landed the Vince ball.
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39th over: England 133-4 (Malan 28, Bairstow 14) The wind is groaning through the grandstand like a dying camel as Patrick Cummins starts from the River End. More importantly, it’s the dry end. Bowls a few short balls, then a no ball, then one that hits the crack outside Malan’s off stump and crawls through to the wicketkeeper. Bad sign.
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We're about to start play
I’ve forgotten how to do this bit. Here’s a New York Times article about leaf blowers.
Here are the new session times
Richie Richardson, the match referee, has been up Mt Sinai and come back with the tablets. Take two after meals. If no further rain, session times will be:
1:00pm to 3:20
3:40 to 6:00
70 overs minimum, 55 of those must be bowled before the last hour. It’s now 12:52.
Play continues to be delayed
The reason the Ghostbusters packs came out was because the umpires decided that play could not in fact resume at 12:40. This was relayed to the players, and Josh Hazlewood who was warming up out there threw the cricket ball down in disgust. There’s a bit of sun out, bands of clouds still moving, a few catching drills happening for Mitchell Marsh, and some more waiting.
LEAF BLOWER UPDATE
This is exciting. We have moved on beyond the sawn-off bank leaf blower, and have now introduced a GHOSTBUSTERS BACKPACK LEAF BLOWER. Oh, this is good. A second one came out soon afterwards, and now a third is being added to the ray. These orange backpack devices are so powerful they can only be started with a pull-cord, at which point the wearer dons the pack, and walks around looking like the absolute scourge of errant grass clippings worldwide. Don’t cross the streams, fellers.
To break the OBO fourth wall for a moment, I grew up in Eltham. The Australia version, in the hills of Melbourne, not the English version where the T and the H are pronounced separately. Now, I have not cleaned the rusted narrow guttering on the roof of Cameron Fink’s mother’s house, but I have stage-dived into a crowd from the roof of Cameron Fink’s brother’s house. The threads that weave, the ties that bind; we are but figures appearing in life’s loom.
“I laughed out loud at the sawn-off leaf blower gag,” writes Cameron Fink, buttering me up for the sacrilege to follow. “Also, if you’d ever had to clean the rusted narrow guttering at my mum’s house in Eltham, you’d know just how useful a leaf blower can be. Many unbroomable gutters and drains can be emptied of rotting leaves in an instant.”
Spoken like a true shill in the pocket of Big Garden Management.
Un-broomable, that’s what you are
Un-broomable, though near or far
That’s why darling, it’s Chris Froome-able
That someone so un-broomable
Thinks that I am un-broomable too
“Arguably being a git with a leaf blower is still preferable to being a wally with a hose - spotted one the next street over a couple of days ago floating leaves from his driveway into the middle of the road,” grumbles Simon Cox. I used to work with a Simon Cox who lives in Perth, but I don’t think it’s this one. And yes, there’s some substance to your claim. Although not being one kind of git doesn’t inherently necessitate being some other kind of git.
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Should have given you this earlier in the lunch break, but Chris Bourne is here with the kind of tip that immediately makes you more attractive. Get this up as your Tinder photo.
“I do hope the England players aren’t staring moodily at the sky and biting their fingernails, full of desolation and nervous tension. Instead they should be sipping ginger beer and playing my new game, Ashes Scrabble, just the thing for a rained-off fifth day. The idea is to make the best score on a Scrabble board with the eleven players in a side. In this respect the sides are well matched: England have 66 letters to place, Australia 64. Australia have some zingers such as Hazlewood (25 points without doubles) or Khawaja (24 points). But England have fewer letters that need to be used by two names, or replaced by a blank tile, thanks to the Australian insistence on playing two Marshes and a Cummins (13 points). So who wins?”
My editor is on the line. “Are they standard Bunnings-issue leaf blowers or some kind of purpose-made, special cricket blower?” asks an anxious Mike Hytner. “Or just a standard blower, but doctored to suit the purpose of drying cricket pitches? I, and the OBO readers, need to know this. What’s the word on the ground?”
Ok, this is going to take all my professional nous. They look like standard leaf-blowers, but they’re being used at very close range. Immediate range. But one of them appears to be a sawn-off. Shorter barrel, the kind someone could hide beneath their coat and then suddenly, unexpectedly clean up all the leaves inside a bank. Leaf-blowers when used for their intended purpose must be one of the most infuriatingly pointless items on the planet. Use a bloody broom. It’s quieter and it helps you not look like an utter git.
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Ha. It’s raining again. Root will be fist-pumping quietly. Again the ground staff are slow getting the hessian and the plastic back on. Almost before I’ve finished writing this post, it’s stopped again.
After all this back and forth, and the worry about the pitch, you can just see a couple of wickets going as soon as play begins. I’d think that if Australia gets an hour of bowling today, they’re a good chance to win. A session would do it for sure.
Here’s reader Philip Goldswain. “Was at the ground yesterday with three generations of cricket lovers - my father and my 13 year old son. Dad and I were reminiscing about a ODI, must have been the mid 1980s, might have been January/February rather than December, Australia vs Pakistan/WI. We were on the west bank which was all wooden bleachers seats (rather than the current grass) at that time. Rained heavily, no cover, we got thoroughly soaked. Got a pass out, drove home in our underpants and got a change of dry clothes and came back to the ground. Forget the super sopper or the tractor and poor lad with the rope drying the out field – they had the Channel Nine helicopter hovering about 5m off the ground blowing the water away! Game resumed. Have the feeling Australia lost.”
Not sure the chopper is the most environmentally friendly method of drying a wicket. Or that Spidercam would mesh well with the aircraft.
12:00 lunch, 12:40 restart, if no further rain
The announcement comes through. Chris Rogers questioning why the dryers are still running when before the previous shower, they were looking at an 11:40 start. It’s now 11:52. What that means is that we would have been playing on a pitch that the ground staff are still not happy with. Dubious.
“I think it’s fair to say the captains have different interpretations and different levels of comfort and unrest about what they’re being told,” is Gerard Whateley’s subtle phrasing on ABC radio. Conversations ongoing with Root in the middle. He’d have some right to protest that the pitch has been materially affected, given the blow dryers would surely have accelerated the crumbling and possibly cracking of the pitch.
“Just been corresponding with my Aussie mate Travis, in Canberra (ok, taunting) about the weather. He’s not happy. Does The Ashes get any better?!” Mark Carrington, enjoy it while you can.
Right then. Steve Smith is back out in the middle in his whites rather than training gear. The sun is out again, covers off, blow dryers still going. Cummins and Hazlewood are on the outfield warming up. Smith is chatting to the umpires. Root si there as well, still in training gear. No need to change clothes for him, after his horror shot at Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon’s first ball yesterday.
“We’re not all insomniacs,” insists Adwait Kulkarni. “Hello from the SF Bay Area, where it’s a cool 12C at 7 p.m. on a lovely winter evening. I have a coffee with some Irish cream going and a pizza baking in the oven. Your updates will let me know when to tune in. I’ll watch The Crown till then.”
Sounds lovely. I was over that way a couple of months ago. Will stop by for a pizza next time.
“The Thin Red Line huh? Nice work,” emails Jay Rose. “While we wait for the field to dry, would it be a stretch to put Stuart Broad in the Adrien Brody role? Thought he was turning up to be the star of the movie but left only with a few shots of looking vulnerable and dejected when audience favourite Overton as Jim Caviezel’s chummy Everyman stole the show. Sub in Ben Stokes for Mickey Rourke as the temperamental big hitter cut from the whole affair.”
And Joe Root as George Clooney, the biggest name in the cast who only ended up with 40 seconds of screen time.
Daniel McDonald with the good oil once again.
Shall I compare the WACA to a summer’s day?
Thou art more rainy and less temperate.
Rough winds do shake the covers off the play,
And test cricket’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometimes too hot for the uncovered stands,
And often its XXXX gold complexion dimmed;
And every cricket ground sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;
But thy eternal bounce shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that Fremantle Doctor,
Nor shall Optus brag thou wand’rest in its shade,
When recalling Merv’s hat-trick or Curtly’s seven-for.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives fast bowling, and the WACA gave life to thee.
Andrew Barker is back - see yesterday’s blog. “Now you know what mid winter in Perth is like. My Dad turned 86 last Monday and he has never experienced anything like the last 24 hours in December. It is genuine mid-winter stuff. Oh, and Happy Birthday to H.S. Mani Deep!”
May I echo those birthday salutations from all at the OBO.
David Ellis-Jones has found the email link. “As an British inhabitant of Perth for these past 15 years, it is indeed very unusual weather for December. It’s outright cold and more rain has fallen over night that we normally get from December to March. Arriving at work the inclement weather is the only topic of conversation. It’s as if a large wet dragon has appeared in the sky and all are bemused at what it could mean.
“I recall a few years ago we had a cloudy day in January, and my partner at the time (a Perth girl) looked up at the sky and said ‘What strange weather!’ Funny lot these Aussies! And as an indication of my acclimatisation – I have actually gone outside in astonishment as the first cloud in weeks crossed the path of the sun and dimmed its incessant brightness.”
Now then. Conversations out in the middle with the captains. Smith then ran off the ground. Root looked annoyed, on body langauge. Now the umpires are coming off the ground. All in all, that looks like they’re going to play. Wouldn’t get on in less than half an hour from now, so that would be midday. Meaning about 30 overs would have been lost, perhaps? It might squall again though. In fact it already is. Lightly. A light squall?
Light Squall! Starring that kid from Party of Five. I think we watched this at a school camp once.
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@GeoffLemonSport Apparently it hasn’t rained here for months… but I was also told yesterday that there is more annual rainfall in London than in Perth. No idea if that’s true, mind.
— a most poor woman and a stranger (@byekitty) December 18, 2017
Also, did you know that despite all this weather umbrellas are banned at the WACA?
— a most poor woman and a stranger (@byekitty) December 18, 2017
Well, they’re pretty well useless given what happened to Blocker Wilson’s umbrella earlier.
The sun came out for a minute. Then it went away again. These are the days of our lives. It’s 11:14am.
While we wait, listen to the Guardian Ashes podcast
If you haven’t already caught it, well worth hearing this conversation with Jason Gillespie. Of course it covers cricket and bowling and injury, but it also covers his thoughts on political activism, the environment, going off-grid and living like a hippy, the reasons he went vegan, deciding to coach Sussex, and what it was like being sweet-talked by Andrew Strauss for the England coaching job.
You can subscribe or get it on iTunes here, or listen on the Guardian site below.
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This is actually hilarious. The groundstaff are scrambling the big cover back on, the wind keeps blowing it away and nearly takes a few of them with it. They genuinely look like it’s never rained here before. Maybe it hasn’t? The ABC radio box is in hysterics watching the slapstick unfold. Between laughter, Chris Rogers is noting the holes in the technique. “It rained then, and hard, for a good 30 seconds before they got the hessian on. It’s almost like they were surprised again, and had to get to the hessian, instead of having two blokes with it there in their hands ready to run it over.” So, with each squall the pitch gets wetter again.
@GeoffLemonSport To be fair to the WACA curators it took them 25 minutes to find the covers yesterday, and they'd lost the instructions.
— Lord Not the Singer (@master_grundy) December 18, 2017
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It’s punting down rain again, by the way. The Waca groundstaff really don’t seem that well drilled at getting the covers on. Lucky the curator is moving to Melbourne, where it never rains.
At least he’s proving to US taxpayers that the trickle-down approach can be effective.
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Ah yes. Don’t put inaccuracy and Phil Makepeace in the same room.
@GeoffLemonSport In the interests of accuracy, nothing happened in Northants - Sussex after Day 2 because of a wet outfield, not a covers leak. I covered the whole thing. 'Twere wet. https://t.co/eSPt1oIOVA
— Phil Makepeace (@SurreyPhil) December 18, 2017
“How about an OBO shout for the England Woman’s Cricket Team winning Best Team on SPOTY? I think it’s well deserved and shows some hope for the future.”
Absolutely, Jeremy Bunting, I was looking at the voting numbers as you emailed. Anya Shrubsole polled pretty strongly versus some likely looking contenders. English sportswriters around me at the Waca are bemused that a motorbike racer came second, and can only assume that everyone with a motorbike voted for him. But that was in the individual category, and England women’s cricket team did indeed win the team category, after their dramatic World Cup win and then drawing the Ashes out here in Australia.
I had the pleasure of commentating with BBC for that dramatic semi-final where India proved their chops by putting Australia to the sword, as well as the England-Australia thriller in the pool stage. All of that combined with being at Lord’s for the sold-out final was one of the best sport experiences of my life.
Here’s our OBO friend Vish with Anya Shrubsole recently.
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Peter Rowntree is sticking with me, bless his insomniac heart. “This is beginning to look like no play before lunch. How lucky can these Ol’ Aussies get, letting the rain seep under the covers when they knew we were about to hand them a sound thrashing? When I first signed on this evening and saw the photo Lizzy had published I thought the ground staff were using chainsaws, which seemed a tad unfriendly. It was only on a closer look I saw that these were driers. Recalled the start of the 2016 season up at Northants when Ben Duckett almost scored 300 on the first day and no more cricket could be played on the ensuing three because water had got under the covers. I wonder what young Ben tipped on the heads of the TMN groundstaff?”
This would require a fair bit of co-ordinating. Wardrobe and otherwise.
If we get nothing else out of Day 5 of this WACA test I hope we get an equivalent photo of the England captain looking as 1975 as humanly possible and the Australian captain looking like he just got out of bed pic.twitter.com/qLVlitcpb5
— Dr Yobbo (@DrYobbo) December 18, 2017
Differing views...
@GeoffLemonSport play to be delayed (and fingernails chewed) until 3:48pm.
— James Lane (@heyhojimjo) December 18, 2017
England all out by 4:19pm.
@GeoffLemonSport What a pity - Was looking forward to 80 run Broad Anderson partnership giving England a 104 lead with 18 overs to go, Australia collapsing to 79/7 with three overs left trying to shut up shop, but being bowled out in the last two overs for 83
— tony mcknight (@williecaine) December 18, 2017
Jeepers. I wasn’t here early enough this morning to see this. It’s lucky that Blocker Wilson can hold up the Sydney Harbour Bridge all on his own. Gives you a sense of what the poor groundstaff have been dealing with.
Extraordinary footage of the wild weather this morning! It's lucky Blocker Wilson was there to shield the England skipper: https://t.co/dCFFMQASja #Ashes pic.twitter.com/WZEe9YZ5Ap
— cricket.com.au (@CricketAus) December 18, 2017
If you’ve got nothing to do, I’ve been mythbusting with Adam Collins and Ric Finlay about the old chestnut of 87 being an unlucky number for Australian batsmen. Because we are cool guys with rich and fulfilling inner lives. This is tangentially related to Mitch Marsh and this Test match if you click through and scroll up.
Number of Australian dismissals:
— Geoff Lemon Sport (@GeoffLemonSport) December 18, 2017
89 – 24
88 – 25
87 – 15
86 – 15
85 – 24
84 – 19
83 – 25
82 – 18
81 – 23
80 – 29
Should we have a sweepstake for what time we’ll start play here? It’s 10:24am Perth time.
@GeoffLemonSport you'd have to be particularly joyless to not be cheering for a rain-affected draw here. It would be a strong contender for most indecently, hilariously unfair test result of all time.
— Morgan Campbell (@M_Campbell23) December 18, 2017
There’d be a few. Someone want to compile me a top ten? I’m busy eating tiny croissants.
“To be fit to play, it has to be in the same state it was in yesterday,” is the ruling from the umpires about the pitch. If you’re wondering. Right now the pitch is still covered, the they’ll get the hot-air brigade again. Cue a million jokes about getting [Commentator X] to talk at the pitch.
This is like when I forget to get James’s school uniform out of the washing machine and try unsuccessfully to use the hair dryer before sending him to school in damp clothes.
— Elizabeth Ammon (@legsidelizzy) December 18, 2017
I thought Blowers had retired. https://t.co/beWaeHJM0a
— Phil Makepeace (@SurreyPhil) December 18, 2017
Start of play delayed by rain
In case you hadn’t guessed, that means the early start has not started early. Trevor Bayliss, the England coach is being interviewed on TV. “It’s a shame, it was going to be a good day of cricket,” he says, deadpan as a shot gold miner. And even as he’s interviewed, the rain comes down again, first a sprinkle that has the hessian on, then a series of sheets that have the big cover rolled out.
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Like my emotional state, the weather in Perth is wildly variable. Five minutes ago I was walking around the back of the grandstand in driving rain, now the sun is out again. There are about 80 ground staff in the middle by appearances, trying to dry the pitch by body convection or something.
Because YES. Scandal. Bloodshed. There is a wet patch.
The covers have sweated overnight, says a CA spokesperson, rather than any drunk Barmies coming out and tearing holes in the covers to try and get the game called off. But there are still various air machines out there trying to evaporate the damage. If this were at all possible, England might now be even less keen to bat on this.
England still superior in the things that matter, then...#Ashes 💦💨 pic.twitter.com/MSCuvEjLUL
— Isabelle Westbury (@izzywestbury) December 18, 2017
Peter Rowntree gets an early email gong by reffing my favourite film. “This is really The Thin Red Line for England. The Aussies know that if they get either Dawid Malan or YJB they are, based on the series to date, into the England tail. Not just the tail, from what we have read in the last few days, ‘the walking wounded’, which includes Craig Overton with a cracked rib, and Stubro with a gammy knee.” Wouldn’t want to have a busted bone while facing the ribcage symphony on this wicket.
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Day 5 pitch prep. A few wet patches from the rain last night 🏏☔️ pic.twitter.com/pH58n3BPoV
— Michael Clarke (@MClarke23) December 18, 2017
Raining one minute, sunny the next. Don’t believe anyone who tweets about the weather in Perth today. Including me. #Ashes
— Melinda Farrell (@melindafarrell) December 18, 2017
I’m reasonably certain the WACA ground staff have no idea how to deal with this mystery liquid that keeps falling onto their ground. #Ashes
— Dan Liebke (@LiebCricket) December 18, 2017
Preamble
Hot topic, hey? It’s bloody freezing in Perth. 16 degrees at last count. This is not why I give my life over to following a summer sport around. I shall be writing a stern letter to the Western Australian government, believe you me.
Now, the rain. It rained all night, and sporadically rained really hard. I was out during a couple of proper torrents, which would last for a few minutes and then ease back. I think it’s mostly stopped by now, though the sound of water dripping off pipes and roofs is deceptive.
There may be a couple more showers on the way this morning, so that may start eating into the hours available today. They can’t start the Test more than half an hour early, nor go more than... is it half an hour or one hour late? I can never remember. Scheduled close is 5:30, we’ve played until 6 most days to get the overs in, so we can probably go till 6:30 at latest though it may be 7. Someone who knows more, fire away.
The other factor is whether the WACA draining - which is excellent - has handled such heavy falls. Probably, but it could delay the start a bit if the outfield is soaked. The other factor is the strong wind, which would assist in drying things very quickly if precipitation leaves us alone.
Anyway. The equation is: some time will probably be lost, but how much we have no decent guess. England have six wickets in hand, and sit 127 runs behind. They’ll need to bat with great application, and probably push that deficit into some sort of lead, to survive the day even with the help of rain. Advantage remains with Australia, because we’ve seen that as soon as the fifth wicket goes, the rest of England’s team can vanish pretty quickly.
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Geoff will be here shortly. In the meantime here’s Adam Collins on a hot topic – the weather in Perth:
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