Read the report from Vic Marks, have a smoothie, get some sleep
Right, that’s enough from us. Let Rob Smyth dream the dreams of unfettered men, and let me dream dreams of feta cheese. It will be dinner time at Adelaide shortly. Thank you so much for your company, especially those of you keeping the longest and loneliest hours. We feel your presence! Geoff Lemon making my farewells – thanks also for all the tweets and emails, and sorry again to those I couldn’t get to.
Oh yes - we had 20,098 people in today to watch the finale, which is incredible in itself, and means the match figure is 199,147. Had England put a partnership together, would have cracked the 200,000 mark. Brilliant work on that front by the Adelaide Oval, Cricket Aus, and the SACA.
Australia 2-0 up, England with a long way to come back, Vic Marks with the report, and we’ll see you in Perth. In the meantime, I’m going to a music festival to forget about cricket for a couple of days. If such a thing is possible.
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And what of Australia?
A quick run-down, if you’ll humour me. The pace attack, going well. All of them have contributed at key times, and they’ve worked well together. Key is the way that Cummins has influenced games despite being the least experienced in the side. He’s a future leader if he can stay fit.
The batting, everyone in the top seven has had a decent hit apart from Peter Handscomb. In our fast-forward world, there’ll be pressure on him, but I doubt the selectors will want to change a winning side.
Unless... unless they need bowling support. Which they probably will, heading to Perth, the flattest track in the country. As Adam Collins wrote in his piece last night, “In the most recent two Sheffield Shield games at the ground, more than 2,800 runs have been tallied with 325 chased in one. It is not the place to go without a back-up for an injury-prone bowling attack.”
So does that mean we’ll have a Marsh brothers reunion in the Test side? If it does, there’s only one batsman who could feasibly make way. And Shaun would have another move in the batting order on his hands. Can’t see Mitchell batting five.
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Jeremy Bunting wondering if Overton will wash his cable-knit jumper before Perth. I hope not. Wear the earth with pride.
Time for some terrible South African accents? “T.I.A., Craig. This is Adelaide.”
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Poor old Krishnan. “I gave England’s rousing comeback as the reason for not walking my girlfriend’s dog tomorrow morning. Now I have to be up and about at -20 degrees on a cold Minnesotan snow storm. Thanks for nothing Joe.”
“Small consolation,” writes Ian Forth, “but I do enjoy Ian ‘Heals’ Healy’s occasional language mangling. ‘Have a hook of that, if you may’. My all time favourite was him describing a bowler’s ‘modus of operandi’. Good keeper, dismal at Latin.”
QED.
Is there hope for England?
Um. Kind of? What has gone right so far? A couple of brilliant bowling innings, which shows they can take down this Australian line-up when they get it right. The ineffectiveness of Moeen’s spin has been the biggest problem.
As for the batting, they need someone to bat long and grind things out. “Look at the two man-of-the-match awards in this series,” says Simon Mann. Smith at Brisbane, Marsh at Adelaide. “They’ve not been spectacular innings at all. They’ve been attritional, hard on the eye.”
Mark Stoneman has been very solid, without being able to push on. Alastair Cook has had a couple of promising moments, but it looks like Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon really has it over him. Then at No3, we have James (uncon)Vince.
Root has done what people say he does, making a couple of nice fifties but not going on to define the match. Malan has fought well despite always looking a bit vulnerable. Moeen hasn’t been at his best, and Bairstow still looks like he’s being wasted with the tail.
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“The ‘Rob Smyth (later)’ heading is looking forlorn”, writes Bene. Poor old Rob. Not having to wake up at some horrific hour in the dark on a freezing island somewhere off the British mainland. Lovely summer afternoon in Adelaide, by the by.
“I’ve already had my 3.20 wakey wakey coffee so I’m now likely to be sitting here stunned as the sun comes up in Selsey while the lads in Oz have an early night. Anyway, please say hi to my best mate Chris in Currie on King Island (an 1800-person island off Tasmania) who I know is reading the OBO and feeling more isolated and alone than ever right now.”
Can’t turn down a King Island request, Peter Gibbs. I’ve even been there, home of great cheese and of lobster rolls. Trivia: my father wrote the history of a shipwreck called the Cataraqui, Australia’s worst peacetime maritime disaster I believe, which went down off King Island in 18-something. One for the sea buffs to look up.
EDIT: The sea buffs are arriving already. Knew you salties were out there.
@GeoffLemonSport for the sea buffs - Poor Souls, They Perishedhttps://t.co/Xj58K1XTWrhttps://t.co/oX3rY8idhi
— Peter Bryant (@ReadPete) December 6, 2017
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Root is being upbeat. “We’ve got to dust ourselves and come back strong. We’ve shown in this game that we’re still massively in this series.”
Sniffer Smith says, “It all happened pretty quickly. I thought we’d have to bowl well this morning, but we were very confident coming into today. Josh, the lengths he bowled were exceptional.”
Just like at the Gabba, England played really well for a couple of days of this Test, and were in the contest at a fairly late stage. But you don’t win a lot of Tests on two good days, and their bad couple of sessions really cost them.
“Probably the quickest I’ve ever bowled,” Hazlewood tells ABC Grandstand. “Just the adrenaline flowing. I’ve got a few more little things to work on, with my consistency.”
“We came to the ground expecting to be right in the game, and unfortunately losing those two early wickets really hampered our chances,” Joe Root tells ABC. “I think the way we played yesterday was exceptional, and that has to be the benchmark moving on in this series.”
As for the first innings, “I backed our bowlers to take those ten wickets. We probably could have bowled a bit fuller.”
Australia win by 120 runs, and lead the Ashes 2-0
A substantial victory in the end, as was always the most likely outcome for this day. We came into it knowing that England’s overnight pair needed to push on, Joe Root needed to make a hundred, and collectively this group of batsmen needed to frustrate Australia’s bowlers by making them wait.
None of those things happened. Both the overnight batsmen were removed without adding to their scores, after an inspired start from Josh Hazlewood. The other two fast men get the headlines, but he just keeps doing the job, and at times he’s been faster than the other two as well. He was my pre-series pick for man of the series, and that’s looking a pretty comfortable pick so far.
After his incisions, the new ball did what the new ball can, in the hands of Mitchell Starc. He gets an outlandish proportion of his dismissals bowled or LBW, and he added one of each plus a caught behind to rush through the tail and end up with a bonus five-for.
“They’ve now got to fight off a 5-0 for me,” says Phil Tufnell on TMS.
“England haven’t played badly, but Australia bowled very well,” adds Simon Mann.
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84.2 overs: England 233-10 (Anderson 0) Starc started the over with a wide delivery, and Bairstow flayed it through point on the square drive for four. But the next ball was a much tighter line, back of a length, and as he tried to force too close to his body, he could only get the inside edge of the angled bat, back onto the top of off stump.
WICKET! Bairstow b Starc 36
It’s all over! Bairstow chops on, and Australia win the Adelaide Test to go 2-0 up in the Ashes!
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84th over: England 229-9 (Bairstow 32, Anderson 0) Bairstow on strike for the Hazlewood over, and the field right back aside from three slips and the gully. They want a nick or a single. Bairstow leaves. He defends. He plays and misses. And for the full complement, he square drives a four. The field comes up, but Bairstow pulls the short ball loopily away into the leg side, and because he doesn’t hit it very well they can take a single rather than add a boundary. He farms the strike. And you’ll all be pleased to know that England have now passed their first-innings total of 227.
Mittu Choudhary writes from Calcutta. “The most unconvincing Test centurion? Well, I’d say it is Agarkar rather than Broad. Although he scored a 95 in an ODI as well but who can forget that 1999/00 tour to Australia where scored ducks in 6 or 7 consecutive innings.”
I remember it well. But even when he made those ducks, he didn’t look as unconvincing at the crease. I also remember him carving 70-odd around at the MCG in a one-day game, and he did look like a batsman at times. Broad at the crease looks more like a lost Slinky in zero gravity.
WICKET! Broad c Paine b Starc 8
83rd over: England 224-9 (Bairstow 27) Broad chops Starc into the gully for no score, then glances two runs to fine leg. Again, slightly surprising that they would take the second run and put Broad back in the firing line. The tall paceman squeezes another couple out, down to third man as he jammed down on the yorker. He’s doing it in doubles. Trying hard, but it doesn’t look convincing.
And in the end, the inevitable. Starc bowls the last ball of the over outside off stump, fast and full, good line, and Broad pushes at it and gives up the edge.
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82nd over: England 220-8 (Bairstow 27, Broad 4) Josh Hazlewood will share the new ball with Starc. Didn’t JH bowl well first thing this morning. Made all the difference in this game. If he’d been a bit off, and the overnight pair had settled in, England could have had a chance. Broad is facing him, left-hand batsman and right-arm bowler versus left-hand batsman and right-arm bowler, and Broad gets a massive edge from the first ball into his pads. Nearly played it on. Hazlewood has the next ball stick in his hand, and drags it down leg side for four byes. Tough on Time Paine, that was very wide. Broad is hoppy, jumpy, but manages to squeeze two runs out through midwicket. Interesting they came back for the second, but positive play I suppose. He gets off strike next ball with another jumpy single to the leg side. Hazlewood hangs one out very wide to Bairstow, looking for the flail, and gets it. But there’s no contact. That ball swinging, there was a subtle bit of Hazlewood shape to the delivery. Too straight from the last ball, and Bairstow japs another couple to midiwcket. The target has come down to the psychologically vital 134 mark, and England are 8 runs off their first innings score.
“Is it just me or does Root have a problem whenever he comes in after being unbeaten overnight. Given that and his incredible vulnerability between 50 and 100, his early dismissal was a statistical predictor’s dream.” Sachin Paul, it is not just you.
81st over: England 211-8 (Bairstow 25, Broad 1) Some boos (and some booze) around the ground as Stuart Broad comes in. The least convincing Test centurion with the bat? I’d say he’s in the mix. Stacked cordon, Broad is nowhere near the first ball, then somehow chips the second away towards midwicket to get off the examination. There’s a long conference between the Australians about what to do with Bairstow’s field. Bringing a couple of men up to save the single. Starc bowls full, and Bairstow drives him down the ground for four! Lovely straight drive through his batting partner’s legs. People keep saying it, but it really does seem a waste of Jonny Bairstow to have him so often batting with No10 and No11.
“Still to beat the first innings total. Something for British fans to aim for. Any win and all that.” Chris Kahler is onto it.
WICKET! Overton lbw Starc 7 (206-8)
That’s it! First use of the new ball does the trick. Fast, shiny, swinging into the right hander, from the left-armer’s line over the wicket, and it nailed Overton on the front pad as he fell over a bit trying to get something on it. No chance, really, brilliant bowling. England still have a review, but Overton knew there was no point using it.
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80th over: England 206-7 (Bairstow 21, Overton 7) New ball imminent. Overton punches a single into the covers, has to hustle with the run as the throw came in. Bairstow survives a barrage at his body from Cummins.
79th over: England 205-7 (Bairstow 21, Overton 6) Two singles from Lyon’s over, and the target comes under the psychologically massive 150 mark. The one they talk about in any change room. It’s a lovely sunny day, good for batting if you have any batsmen to do it with.
Back to the earlier question of loyalties, here’s Rocket. “I know many people from the UK and the four sub-continent Test nations, and some from South Africa and the Caribbean. Nearly all cricket supporters here in Melbourne accept that they would support their ‘original’ country in Tests against Australia, but yes that next generation thing is a problem.”
“I think the solution is just to enjoy the contests even more between the two regardless of the result. In Australian Football we see this all the time - “mixed” marriages resulting in children with loyalties to one or other parents’ teams. The games when these two teams play are celebrated - because it is the one or two times per season where everyone can go together to the same game and support their team.”
78th over: England 203-7 (Bairstow 20, Overton 5) Cummins continues from where we’re watching, at the River End of the ground, and Bairstow drives him nicely down the ground for two. Went very straight, split the mid-on and mid-off. He goes squarer next ball, Bairstow, for a single through point. Looking in decent touch now. Overton edges again into the cordon, again on the bounce, and Khawaja in the gully had no chance of getting forward to that.
“Possibly flogging a dead horse,” writes Matt Harris, “but might I suggest (following a quick Google), Gavin ‘Gavin’ Twedily belongs to the select club along with Nathan himself. Gav’s OBO mention might just propel him to the top of the list of Twedilys.”
I’d rather you flogged a dead horse than a live one.
77th over: England 200-7 (Bairstow 17, Overton 5) Lyon with a new over, and the England 200 comes up! A cheery little milestone, though they’ve made far heavier weather of getting here than they dreamed overnight. Bairstow tucks the run first ball of the over, and Overton blocks the rest. Quite the pattern emerging here. We’ll get ‘em in (one guy’s) singles?
“Good morning Geoff, or perhaps not a such a good morning,” writes Jeremy Bunting. “I woke up early, full of anticipation. Now I’m worried about Overton’s ribs and why can’t England afford to give Overton a freshly washed sweater?”
It’s true, he grubbied it in the field having a dive on the first day, and hasn’t bothered to throw it through the speed cycle since. Why bother, I suppose? He seems the pragmatic type. It’s just going to get dirty again.
76th over: England 199-7 (Bairstow 16, Overton 5) Cummins to Overton, and he’s dropped! Near impossible chance, because they’ve brought in a short third slip. Bancroft is wearing a helmet in that position, so close is he to the bat, and he’s there for exactly that chance, because so many aren’t carrying to the cordon in this game. A match in which DRS keeps saying that balls will zoom over the bails. That ball comes hard off the edge, almost into Bancroft’s hands, but through them into his stomach before he could react. Tough place to field. Just the Bairstow single from the over, cut to point. 155 to win.
“So are England playing for the win, or are they engaged in the fool’s errand of trying to ‘hang on’ and save the game? “ ponders Niall Connolly. “As I write Ali has lost his wicket. I think they need to throw the bat around and try to get below 100 to win. Australia got to within 20 against Bangladesh in the first test over there in similar circumstances, granted not against Cummins et al.” I’d say you’re right. Not wild slogging, but the only way to put pressure back on Australia is to score and keep scoring.
75th over: England 198-7 (Bairstow 15, Overton 5) Bairstow jams a single through square leg first ball of Lyon’s over, and Overton does the responsible job for the next five balls. Looks pretty good thus far. Has recovered from the blow enough to get in the full defensive lunge. 156 to win.
“If Australia had reviews left, they’d just use them and we’d have exactly the same decision in the end.” Not really, Patrick O’Brien, because Moeen would have been not out if it had been Australia doing the reviewing. Umpire’s call on all counts. And I doubt they would have referred the Woakes dismissal, given there was such a tiny edge that even the batsman didn’t think he’d hit it.
74th over: England 197-7 (Bairstow 14, Overton 5) Cummins to Overton, and beats the outside edge first ball of the over. Takes the outside edge from the fifth and it flies past second slip for four. Just by a diving Smith. Last ball of the over and it hits Overton, nasty blow in the ribcage. He tried to duck, a quick ball from Cummins and it skidded on. Crashed into his side, just next to his heart. And that hurt. He goes down on his knees to recover, adn in the end they take the drinks break early to let him sort things out. He’ll carry on. Wouldn’t be surprised if that cracked a rib. 157 to win.
Andrew Samson on TMS is being blamed for England’s slide, due to his temerity in looking up record chases. This prompts a very elegant and understated summary from Alison Mitchell. “If England could get themselves into positions where they didn’t have to break records to win Test matches, that might be helpful.”
As for Sarah Jane, equally restrained.
@GeoffLemonSport Since I'm not permitted to crow, gloat, bask or even smile knowingly, I'm really in something of a quandary. Sorry, England. That's it. It's all I have.
— sarah jane bacon (@sportzzzgirl) December 6, 2017
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73rd over: England 193-7 (Bairstow 14, Overton 1) Lyon short to Bairstow, who pulls a single. He never hits an effortless stroke, Bairstow. Always looks like he’s trying to bash the ball out of shape. Overton defends. lyon around the wicket to both right-handers, looking to slide one across for slip, or straighten it for the LBW or for leg slip. There’s a roadblock under the helmet as well, and a fairly short midwicket. Three in the deep on the Bolshevik side, as per Jonathan Liew, but cover is left open to encourage the drive against the spin. Bairstow hits that gap for two, after Overton gave him the strike with a leg flick. 161 to win.
72nd over: England 189-7 (Bairstow 11, Overton 0) Cummins now to Bairstow, who misses a swish outside off, then squeezes a run to leg. Overton will have to get his eye in against some quick bowling, so he might as well start now. He was 41 not out in the first dig, but I don’t think he’ll be helping add 160 here. Looks alright to begin with, solid in defence.
Raghu Nandan Rathnam is bang on here, I think. “Looks like Australia having no reviews left is really helping them. The umpires are giving the marginal calls to Australia.” Tactical masterstroke?
Summary
71st over: England 188-7 (Bairstow 10) Well, another big moment for Boutrous freaks. Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon stepped up to the crease. “Bowled, Nathan,” I assume the Australians said. Moeen needed to find a place to score, but the sweep is always a high-risk option against Lyon, especially on pitches with Australian bounce.
This is the OBO content I live for. “Geoff, as we wait for the inevitable English defeat, please note that Waterloo was not an English victory. It’s a little known fact to most English folk that in 1707 Scotland and England merged to create a new state modestly called Great Britain. This state fought and won at Waterloo in 1815. Pedantic and accurate plus nothing to do with the cricket, but it’s the only way I can deal with my early morning despair. Sorry.”
Gavin Twedily, all is understood.
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WICKET! Moeen lbw Lyon 2 (England 188-7)
Tries to sweep, misses. Lyon has been all over Moeen on a couple of occasions, so this was always going to be a big Test. Left space down the ground for him to risk the big shot, but he was looking to avoid that and score elsewhere. Goes down on one knee to sweep through square, misses the ball which is coming on straight, plenty of bounce but the ball-tracking shows it as umpire’s call hitting the top of off stump, and umpire’s call as to the impact of the ball in line with the stumps. That, I’m afraid, is probably that.
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70th over: England 188-6 (Moeen 2, Bairstow 10) Cummins is back. “He’s the one who changed the course of the match last night,” says Simon Mann on the radio, and indeed he did. So key with that late wicket, rushing through Dawid Malan with pace and angle. Had England resumed with two specialists this morning, things may have been different. Lyon loosening up as well. The new ball 10 overs away. Bairstow leaves a couple, defends a couple. It’s a maiden first up for Cummins, bowling from the River End.
Liam Connelly on email: “Not sure who has it worse. Those up at 3am watching wickets start to fall, or those of us stuck at work, looking out at stunning sunlight, a 10 min walk from the ground and listening to wickets start to fall.”
Get down here. Make an excuse. Take a long lunch. It’s a gold coin donation.
69th over: England 188-6 (Moeen 2, Bairstow 10) Hazlehoff to Bairstow for the first time today. Making him play every ball, Bairstow rather woodcutter-ish in his approach to some of these defensive shots. Now then, was that an edge? Bairstow is cut in half, but the ball misses his inside edge and bobbles through to the keeper off the batsman’s stomach. Bairstow laces a nice drive, but cover is pretty short and picks it up immediately. The batsman keeps the strike by hopping up on his toes and punching a single past gully. Bairstow into double digits. Needs to keep putting two fingers up at Australia.
68th over: England 187-6 (Moeen 2, Bairstow 9) Starc comes in to Jonny Bairstow and he’s edging through slips for four! As with many in this game, that ball didn’t carry to slip. It bounced in front of Steve Smith at second, and went between he and Bancroft at first. Down to the boundary. Bairstow lashes a wider ball next, but they’re wise to his strengths and have a deep point as well as a stacked cordon. Smart cricket, keeps him to a single. England 167 to win.
“Unfortunately it seems the Aussies are trying to make sure I get a full night’s sleep,” writes Kyle Greene. “It’s only 8pm here on the West Coast of the US. Was hoping to see Root there at the end.”
67th over: England 182-6 (Moeen 2, Bairstow 4) Agnew is claiming that Bairstow had a bad net this morning. “That’s a good sign!” exclaims Tufnell. “That’s a great sign. Sometimes if you have a shocker of a net, you can come out and make 120. I’ve seen it happen.” I thought Jonny looked alright, for the four balls I watched on the way here. Maiden from Hazlewood to Moeen, playing a lot of shots straight to the field.
@GeoffLemonSport work worries over here in India as well. Need to leave for a big presentation. Counting on Guardian OBO to keep me posted! #Ashes
— Girl With Glasses (@snigdhaarun) December 6, 2017
Doing our best. As for Jim, keep hoping.
@GeoffLemonSport Morning from Harrogate! On way to work to sort lots of parcels and hopefully see England pull off the Miracle of Adelaide™
— Jimbobacus 🇪🇺🇬🇧 (@HamsterShowJim) December 6, 2017
66th over: England 182-6 (Moeen 2, Bairstow 4) “I hope some people stay with us,” says Agnew sadly on TMS. “Not much fun if we’re here on our own.” Well, Jonny’s here to brighten things up, driving lavishly through cover off Starc after Moeen squeezed a single.
To be clear, I’m not on the side of England here, I’m just barracking for a good close finish. Let’s see a couple of half-centuries from this pair and take it from there. Bairstow chops into the gully. Perhaps the best thing for these two is to play a few strokes and see if they can get the game running their way.
Or, you could look at it this way.
@GeoffLemonSport I've fixed your festive post...https://t.co/QRb9FX7Iwg
— Benjamin Parker (@bnjmnprkr) December 6, 2017
65th over: England 177-6 (Moeen 1, Bairstow 0) Well, that rather ruined the festive nature of this post I was preparing, given that Moeen has previously scored the single that took England halfway to the target.
WICKET! Root c Paine b Hazlewood 67 (England 177-6)
England fans, it is my solemn duty to announce the following. All the build-up, all the speculation, has been punctured in one swift stroke. Hazlewood bowled outside off, Root pressed forward to it, and that ball kept a little low. In the end I think it has edged the toe of the bat, the underside of the toe, through to Paine behind the stumps. The key wicket goes down, Root without adding to his overnight score, and now the task is mammoth for those who remain.
@GeoffLemonSport Having turned into a cat burgler in order to have a coffee (because the volume of the house is always turned up to 11 at this time of night) it now feels like I'm the one that's been robbed. farewell to the #Ashes
— We'll have a bowl! (@11AMdeclaration) December 6, 2017
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64th over: England 176-5 (Root 67, Moeen 0) Right then. Root versus Starc. This is the real business. Root defends the first couple, then squirts one a bit edgily away to midwicket. Starc is coming around the wicket, angling the ball in. Looking for that LBW, or to sneak one through onto the stumps. He is so effective with this line of bowling, though more commonly employs it to the lower order. Wants to make the most of Root’s shaky early moments. Doesn’t.
@GeoffLemonSport I accidentally woke 2 hours earlier than planned and have cut my losses. If Root gets out within 10 minutes I am going to have a little cry.
— Alex Marsh (@Alexikokopops) December 6, 2017
63rd over: England 176-5 (Root 67, Moeen 0) Goodness me. The dreaded wicket does go down in the first over, but it’s the nightwatchman rather than the captain. To some extent Woakes has done his job, getting England safely through last night, but they would also have hoped he could hang in for half an hour this morning and contribute another 20 runs. He’s a bit too good a lower-order bat to be done for 5. Moeen faces out the rest of the over without undue alarm.
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WICKET! Woakes c Paine b Hazlewood 5 (England 176-5)
Aleem Dar has done the slow-death move he used earlier. Australia have no reviews left, England have two, and I wonder if that influenced Umpire Dar’s decision, given he knew Woakes could review it if he thought he’d missed. Woakes does review. The replay looks like he played around it. The Hot Spot shows nothing. But the Snicko shows the tiniest spike as ball passes bat. Good Lord, that ball has taken a few microns of timber as it passed by the back corner of the edge. No way the umpire could have known, that was a punt, but he’s got it right.
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Thanks so much for the emails, keep them coming - sorry if I miss some, there are many excited people out there around the world. One more from our old friend Robert Wilson before we begin. The teams are taking the field.
“Having recently given up a life-long smoking habit of award-winning heaviness, I have spent the last month undergoing regular bouts of full-on hallucination. While walking along the Rhône on a recent sparklingly sunny day, I saw a large and very beautiful brown rabbit - I swear that it was only when it waved to me merrily that I realised that it wasn’t actually there. I’ve seen city-centre sheep, non-existent eagles and even an improbably large and close Saturn-like plant (rings and all!). It’s an odd sensation to be rational and amused while still bending down to stroke dogs that are not there and ducking under all the sudden pterodactyls. It’s not without its uses too. For, believe you me, if England actually win this thing, I am going to take it absolutely in my stride.”
Chris is an Australian in Japan, “following the Guardian as there is no coverage here. Geoff, your lot are not the only ones suffering. This was in the bag. Oh why, oh why, didn’t we force the follow on. Now I’m as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. First 3 overs will set the tone. We should get the business done, but if not this will weigh on the team. Makes Root’s decision seem strategically sound now.”
My lot! Chris, I’m as Australian as a dead sheep-thief in a pond. I just hold a general love for all of cricket’s humanity in my heart, which helps avoid coming down too hard on one side or the other. West Indies v Zimbabwe? I’m there.
Here’s an even more complicated mix from Jonathan Siu. “I’m another Englishman who currently finds himself in Australia, but have some mixed emotions today. If England win, ordinarily I would be over the moon. But my 8 year old son is a true-blue Aussie, and I’m not sure he is ready yet for his first crushing defeat. My own satisfaction vs his hopes and dreams - what to do?”
Reader advice starts: now.
“Afternoon all,” writes a cheerful Gervase Green. “Bit early to get all political I know (though this is the publication to handle it, if any).” Well, see below.
“But when I hear Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon I fondly recall another time, another arena. Back when the then-Australian foreign minister rather fancied himself to be the next UN Secretary-General, the Parliamentary chamber erupted with taunts of ‘Gareth Gareth-Evans’ – an unsubtle but nonetheless mildly amusing reference to the former SG Boutros Boutros-Ghali.”
“Of course, while Gareth Gareth had solving the Middle East, bringing in world peace, and other tasks on a crowded To-Do list, Nathan Nathan has murderous intent upon his mind.”
I haven’t seen many murderous off-spinners, I have to say, but still. What quality content. Boutrous Boutrous, Gareth Gareth, and Nathan Nathan all in one place. The only time this has happened previously is when me and Adam Collins do The Final Word podcast, where I have to admit all three have cropped up.
“Looking forward to the day but as an Englishman living in Australia fearing the worst,” says Paul Hardy. “I’m also reminded of Norman Tebbit and his cricket test from my youth. He seemed to expect every India, Pakistan or Windies fan living in England to support England rather than the team of their heritage.”
“Even though I’m married to an Australian and have citizenship absolutely no one here is expecting me to support Australia. An interesting aside on how we treat migrants from different countries and of different heritages.”
Very interesting point. And also, touching on earlier posts, why people who move to Australia or Britain are called migrants, while Australians and Brits overseas are called expats. Just a little institutionalised discrimination at work.
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“Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon is much funnier than it has any right to be - I’m with you Geoff ‘Liz’ Lemon. Regards, Matt ‘Ryan’ Harris.”
I tell you what, I am still mad at Tina Fey. I carried this name around on my own for thirty years - THIRTY YEARS - and then she comes along and just takes it, and everyone goes, “Oh, like Liz Lemon!” No, Liz is like me. That’s a dealbreaker.
“The beauty of being an expat” is the header of Rajeev Ladva’s email, and indeed that does seem to suit a lot of you. “Writing in from Bangkok, Thailand. When I was teaching in the UK I distinctly remember trudging into school after very little sleep, waking up to watch the boys beat Australia in 2011. Fortunately the time zones are now in my favour – and hoping that the score is too! Great chase on today, and the reason that test cricket is still (for me anyway) one of the most exciting formats of the game.”
Further south in Thailand is Chris Brereton, occasionally of this parish. “I’m writing this from island paradise Koh Pha-ngan where I will eschew the sun and beach to sit in an Irish pub sipping overpriced Tiger beers, rocking gently and praying audibly. I fully expect to be back in the surf, England smashed, before lunch. It’s the only way I can sell this madness to myself.”
Meanwhile, “Morning, Geoff,” writes Patrick Scott very truthfully for him, as it’s “0440 here in the Aegean Sea, east of Greece. I sit patiently with my devices in front of me and my Wi-Fi dongle hanging in the porthole of my cabin as 50mph winds have us rolling around, getting the best 4G signal I can. I’ve been doing 8 hour shifts, finishing at 5am local time then sitting down with plenty of caffeine, for the last 4 days. One more to go, I hope it’s a special one. Come on!”
Oh, the nerves are busy. As are the work worries, even in Hiroshima. “I’m sitting here in my staff room in Japan, failing utterly to concentrate on grading English papers as I’ve done for the last 3 days in a row. Maybe Cricket Australia and the EWCB can set up some kind of compensation scheme for lost productivity? If Australia don’t wrap this up by lunch, my wife will throttle me. Odds on it being over by then?”
Props to Ryan Baker for not forgetting Wales in the acronym game. I wonder if the relationship between Marylebone and Cardiff ever gets... acronymonious?
“What a mouth-watering afternoon to look forward to,” writes Cameron Fink on email. “The stage is set for a glorious nail-biting finish, promising to rival the tension of that magnificent last-wicket stand at Trent Bridge in 2013. But for some reason I still can’t help but think that England are going to completely implode within the first hour, well adrift of the target. At least I might have a more productive afternoon that way. The name Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon is far funnier than it has any right to be.”
Two things to come to there. One, yes, this is exactly what I love so much about this scenario. All of this build-up and expectation and hope could be punctured when Root nicks off the fourth ball of the day, and the procession comes through. Or, something else. Our view of time is linear, and there’s nothing we can do about that.
And yes, to explain Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon: this starts with the nicknaming convention of taking the first name of a more famous person with the same last name, like Brett ‘Bing’ Lee, or Nathan ‘Garry’ Lyon. I find this such an original method of nicknaming, especially employed in Australia’s pantheon of nickname production, that I posited an even cleverer method would be to just use the person’s own name as their nickname as well.
And then, as footy cards have taught us, all nicknames have to be awkwardly placed in inverted commas so as to give the sense that they are entirely made up and never actually used. Hello to all the ‘Robbo’ Robertsons out there.
Finally, I would now posit that Nathan Lyon is far more famous than Garry Lyon, who is a former AFL footballer, and so if this nicknaming convention is used then Nathan ‘Nathan’ should take his own name.
Everyone with me?
Hahahaha, this is grand.
I've got a steaming mug of hope and I'm gonna dunk my cricket biscuits in it @GeoffLemonSport #Ashes pic.twitter.com/BCcQvkW2AK
— Black Tea Design (@blacktea_design) December 6, 2017
@GeoffLemonSport I'm up and I'm ready and I'm genuinely about as excited as I've ever been about anything ever.
— Alexander Mistlin (@amistlin) December 6, 2017
That’s the nervous spirit.
@GeoffLemonSport Good morning, Geoff. Couldn't sleep thinking about this. We're with you.
— William Hargreaves (@billhargreaves) December 6, 2017
Talk to me. Yes, you can. Get involved. I know it’s late, and many of you on the northern side of the planet will be asleep. But to go back to Agincourt, those “in England now a-bed / Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,” if indeed the miracle takes place. So send me a Twitter thing at @GeoffLemonSport, or send me an old-fashioned stagecoach email to geoff.lemon@theguardian.com.
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Hot gossip. Here’s a slice for you, from patrolling the Adelaide nets. Side by side at practice, Peter Handscomb and Jonny Bairstow. Both practising resolute forward defences. What does that tell me? The English camp is bullish about winning this game. They want it and they intend to have it. Bairstow was evidence of an attacking player honing the ability to do his part in occupying the crease. Handscomb is evidence of a player acknowledging that he has some issues with his game and needs to work them out. He’ll be out here fielding later, but why not try to get the footwork sorted ahead of Perth. Some people are dropping him already, but that seems a bit rich after three dodgy innings. He’s a good player.
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Preamble
Assemble the roll call of great English victories
Waterloo - routing Napoleon’s superior might
Agincourt - using the longbow for strategic supremacy
Canberra - Danni Wyatt smacks a double-time hundred to chase 178
In a couple of hours, could we add Adelaide to the list?
Ok, probably not, because really the Australians just need a wicket to get the landslide rolling. But still. We have a Test match beeeeautifully set up. But here we are, trembling with anticipation, for a game in which anything might happen. Even longbows. The Adelaide Oval, Day 5, and both teams still in the game.
The equation: England need 178 more runs to win, they have six wickets in hand, and at the crease will be the captain Joseph Edward ‘Technicolour Dreamcoat’ Root, unbeaten on 67, and the doughty nightwatchman-turned-daywatchman, Christopher Roger ‘Rabbit’ Woakes, who survived last night with 5 to his name.
To come in the batting order, those who might add any degree of confidence are Moeen Ali, Jonny Bairstow, and Crazy Craig Overton, who batted determinedly on debut for an admirable 41 not out. Those who might add less confidence are Test centurion Stuart Broad and Test lots-of-wicketsy-guy James Anderson.
As for the Aussies, they’ll be pretty fresh, with each of their seamers having bowled 14 overs yesterday, and Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon having bowled 20 sets of off-breaks. All four have bowled well in this Test, so that’s where the advantage lies. Surely the inherent quality of this attack will find the couple of good balls they need to cut deeper into England’s line-up. And once they do, things will fall away quickly.
In fact, you’d think if Root goes with the target still over about 80, all is lost. A lot of pressure on him. He hasn’t made a lot of important hundreds away from home, but he has the chance for an all-time effort here.
An hour to go. Cannae wait.
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Geoff will be here shortly. First though, here’s Vic Marks on what was an extraordinary day four of Test cricket at Adelaide Oval:
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