Ali Martin on James Vince:
Vic Marks’s day one report from the SCG:
Close of play: England 233-5
The wicket means that will be the last ball of the day. England played very well for large parts, and then fell in a heap against the second new ball. The late wickets of Root, who played a poor stroke to end a brilliant innings, and Bairstow, who declined to have a nightwatchman, mean England’s tail will be exposed to a new ball that is only 10 deliveries old. It’s likely there will be some memorable unscripted comedy in Sydney tomorrow morning.
Australia’s bowlers were pretty brilliant. They sat in when they needed to, and yet again were able to both recognise and seize the moment. The last 15 minutes were exhilarating. A word for Dawid Malan, who played like a proper Test batsman for his 55 not out. Thanks for your company, goodnight!
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WICKET! England 233-5 (Bairstow c Paine b Hazlewood 5)
Inevitable, and brilliant. Bairstow has gone to a superb outswinger from Hazlewood, bowled from wider on the crease. He felt for it in the moth/flame style and snicked it to Tim Paine. Australia are going to win this series 4-0.
81st over: England 229-4 (Malan 55, Bairstow 1) Root was so disappointed with that dismissal. He leant on his bat for ages, unable to drag himself from the crease. It was a nothing delivery. Jonny Bairstow is the new batsman, having decide against a nightwatchman. It’s an impressive statement from Bairstow, and possibly a stupid one. If England lose another wicket here, the match is all but over.
The last ball of the over brings a huge LBW appeal when Bairstow pushes around an attempted yorker from Starc. It’s given not out but Australia decide to review. Replays show there was an inside edge, and it was missing leg anyway. That wasn an understandably dreadful review from Australia, who got carried away with the excitement of this late surge. Two overs remaining.
WICKET! England 228-4 (Root c M Marsh b Starc 83)
Australia take the second new ball, with three overs remaining tonight. Starc’s first ball swings into Root, who drives it sweetly through mid-off for four. That might be the shot of the day.
And this might be the ball of the day! Starc’s follow-up is a beautiful inswinger that Root inside-edges just wide of leg stump for four more. But Root has gone now! He clipped the next ball off his pads to square leg, where Mitch Marsh swooped to take a lovely low catch. Oh my days.
80th over: England 220-3 (Root 75, Malan 55) Malan hooks Hazlewood for a couple, with the sliding Bancroft getting his knee stuck in the turf like Khawaja earlier in the day. Anyone seen the Simon Jones at Brisbane klaxon? Bancroft seems to be fine. It might be worth the fielders on both sides putting the slide away for the rest of the game.
79th over: England 218-3 (Root 75, Malan 53) Starc continues and is driven sweetly for a couple of Root. Apart from a couple of dodgy hook strokes that could have gone to hand, Root has been superb.
78th over: England 216-3 (Root 73, Malan 53) Hazlewood returns at the other end and goes around the wicket to Malan, who defends in his usual unobtrusive style. Starc is struggling, apparently with his calf.
77th over: England 215-3 (Root 72, Malan 53) It looks like Starc and Hazlewood will finish the day. Starc replaces the superb Cummins (17-4-44-2) and is swished square on the off side for four by Malan. Two more to fine leg takes Malan to another impressive half-century, a patient 146-ball effort. He’s been England’s Man of the Series.
76th over: England 205-3 (Root 72, Malan 43) England’s tempo hasn’t really changed throughout this partnership, with the emphasis on steady accumulation. They have seven more overs to survive tonight.
75th over: England 203-3 (Root 71, Malan 42) A quick single off Cummins takes Root into the seventies for the first time in the series. He’s played well, with his 71 coming from 127 balls. Malan’s 42 has taken 141 deliveries.
74th over: England 199-3 (Root 69, Malan 40) Malan comes down the track to Lyon but can only push the ball towards short leg, where Bancroft reacts superbly to grab the ball and throw just wide of the stumps. Malan would have been run out (or, as Scyld Berry once suggested, st Bancroft b Lyon) with a direct hit.
“I take zero pleasure in that earlier Vince jinx, Rob,” says Guy Hornsby. “Especially on my birthday, of all days. What a shame Root and Malan aren’t going to make a big score either. At all. Ever.”
Happy birthday Guy! I got you four late wickets.
73rd over: England 198-3 (Root 69, Malan 39) Cummins is still charging in as if world peace depends on him breaking this partnership before the close - and he almost manages it when Root top-edges a hook that somehow lands safely. It bisected the men at fine leg and deep square leg. That was almost a repeat of his miserable dismissal at Melbourne.
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72nd over: England 196-3 (Root 67, Malan 39) Root works Lyon onto the left shin of Bancroft at short leg, prompting a few oohs and aahs from the other fielders. I don’t think that counts as a chance.
“England scored 302 in Brisbane and 403 in Perth, so surely they’ll get 504 at Sydney?” says Simon Powell. “It’s just sweet symmetry.”
71st over: England 195-3 (Root 66, Malan 39) Cummins rips a good short ball past Root, who sways comfortably out of the way. A pulled single brings up an important, level-headed century partnership with Malan.
70th over: England 194-3 (Root 65, Malan 39) There are 14 overs remaining today. I’m sure we’ll get them all as Lyon is bowling from one end. England, for the third time in the series, have built a decent platform batting first. But they probably need more than the 302 and 403 they managed at Brisbane and Perth.
69th over: England 194-3 (Root 65, Malan 39) Pat Cummins, who is so adept at breaking a long partnership at the end of a long day, replaces Mitch Marsh. He starts with a maiden, including a hooping inswinger that almost sneaks through Root. Time for drinks.
68th over: England 194-3 (Root 65, Malan 39)
67th over: England 192-3 (Root 64, Malan 38) The lovely thing for Australia is that, even if England finish today three down, they know they could be batting by mid-afternoon tomorrow. The new ball will only be a few overs old tomorrow morning, and England have such a long tail. That said, Root and Malan have played with impressive determination and commonsense in this partnership.
66th over: England 187-3 (Root 60, Malan 37) Root scrunches Lyon through the covers to move into the sixties. His highest score in this series is 67; his highest in Australia is 87.
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65th over: England 183-3 (Root 57, Malan 36) Marsh is throwing a lot of balls outside the off stump of Malan. who is diligently ignoring them. It’s been another imperssive innings from Malan, who is not timing the ball but has scrapped to make 36 from 115 balls. His raw talent:runs ratio is admirable.
64th over: England 182-3 (Root 56, Malan 36) “Invoking Tuffers to make a cricket point is almost certainly bad pool (shame on you, John Leavey), on a par with Reductio ad Hitlerum and doubtless subject to some version of Godwin’s law,” says Brian Withington. “At the risk of compounding JL’s crime I thought the problem with Tuffers wasn’t so much sleeping before batting as whilst on duty ...”
Here he is settling down for a nap at the crease.
63rd over: England 179-3 (Root 53, Malan 36) Marsh is nowhere near the level of the three main quicks, so this spell should be a bit of respite for England. Root, in particular, will be furious if he gets out to Marsh.
62nd over: England 178-3 (Root 52, Malan 36) Another life for Malan! He came down the track and edged Lyon towards slip, where Smith couldn’t get hands on the ball by his right ankle. It was a tricky chance as he was unsighted, and I think the ball may have deflected slightly off Paine’s pad.
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61st over: England 175-3 (Root 51, Malan 34) Root knows that you know that he knows that you know about his conversion rate of fifties to hundreds in Tests: 27 per cent overall, and 18 per cent since the 2015 Ashes. A ton in Sydney would be particularly sweet; it was here that he was dropped four years ago.
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60th over: England 171-3 (Root 51, Malan 30) Malan should have been run out after a slapstick mix-up with Root. They both ended up at the striker’s end before Malan set off, and he only survived because of a dreadful throw from Paine to the bowler Lyon.
“I think the jury’s out on kipping before batting,” says John Leavey. “I give you: Tuffers.”
Ha, fair point.
59th over: England 168-3 (Root 50, Malan 28) Mitch Marsh gets his first bowl of the day, replacing Josh Hazlewood. He gets a bit of swing, albeit at gentle pace, and Root moves to an increasingly fluent fifty with a cracking cover drive for four.
58th over: England 162-3 (Root 44, Malan 28) Lyon continues to probe from around the wicket to Root, who flicks a single to midwicket. He looks in control at this stage of the innings.
57th over: England 161-3 (Root 43, Malan 28) Play can continue until 7pm local time, 8pm in Sydney, so we won’t lose many overs despite the long delay this morning.
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56th over: England 160-3 (Root 42, Malan 28) Khawaja is leaving the field. He might have suffered ligament damage.
55.5 overs: England 160-3 (Root 42, Malan 28) England have a very long tail, probably starting with Moeen at No7, so these two and Jonny Bairstow still have a heap of work to do. Malan drives Lyon for four, with Khawaja falling nastily as he tries to stop the ball on the boundary. His knee got stuck in the outfield, which immediately brought to mind Simon Jones’s horrific injury at the Gabba in 2002. Khawaja is on his feet but he’s limping and the umpires are going to take drinks while he receives treatment.
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55th over: England 155-3 (Root 41, Malan 24) Malan pulls Hazlewood round the corner for his first boundary of the session. The early evidence of Malan’s Test career is that he is very good at making runs when he’s not playing particularly well, and we know he has the capacity to score quickly. His resourcefulness and adaptability are reminiscent of Paul Collingwood.
54th over: England 149-3 (Root 41, Malan 18) Lyon is back into the attack. He comes down the track to Lyon, who appeals for LBW when the ball is jammed between bat and pad. Not out.
53rd over: England 147-3 (Root 40, Malan 17) Root plays a beautiful back-foot square drive for four off Hazlewood. He is looking really good now, and is ten away from fifty. For most batsmen that milestone would be something to celebrate; for Root it means entering the dreaded Conversion Zone.
“53 overs already?” sniffs Ian Copestake. “When do these things start? I can’t keep up with these graveyard shifts. No wonder England’s batsmen are struggling.”
I think more batsmen should have a kip before batting. It worked for Viv Richards. And we’d also have the occasional comedy of a batsman being timed out while drool slides down their sleepy coupon.
52nd over: England 142-3 (Root 35, Malan 17) Malan doesn’t seem perturbed by being stuck on 16 for so long. He ignores a few tempters from Starc before finally getting one away off the pads for a single. That’s his first run in 27 deliveries. It’s only a little thing, but that was another demonstration of Malan’s excellent temperament. A few batsmen would have lost patience there.
Root then shapes to pull Starc, realises the ball is too wide and improvises to ping a cross-bat shot it through point for three. Nicely done.
51st over: England 138-3 (Root 32, Malan 16) Hazlewood, on for Cummins, is guided nicely through backward point for four by Root. He is starting to look more fluent, having scrapped pretty hard for the first 50 balls of the innings.
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50th over: England 130-3 (Root 24, Malan 16) Starc’s average speed is down approximately 4mph in this game, from 88 to 84. He is still managing to make life difficult for Malan, who has mistimed a few attempted drives and is still runless since tea.
49th over: England 129-3 (Root 23, Malan 16) Malan, who hasn’t scored a run since tea, misses an attempted hook at Cummins. Malan has faced almost 750 deliveries in this series, more than anyone apart from Smith.
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48th over: England 128-3 (Root 22, Malan 16) A wide tempter from Starc is slammed through extra cover for four by Root, easily the best shot of this slightly laboured innings. The ball might be starting to reverse for Starc, which would be not entirely unproblematic for England.
“Hi Rob,” says Neill Brown. “If I may, I’d like to jump on the Nathan Lyon appreciation train. He’s been impressive for a number of series and when chatting to friends about how well he’s developed, I’ve always said that I was there ‘live’ to see him hit an enormous six at the MCG against Pakistan, on day two of the 2009 Boxing Day Test. Only today have I registered that, as Lyon made his Test debut in 2011, I can’t have been watching him; I was actually watching Nathan Hauritz. Still, Lyon has almost 20 wickets in this series and could probably claim a similar number of ‘assists’, so your runner-up Man of the Series shout is absolutely solid.”
False memory syndrome is great. I still get all warm and fuzzy when I recall David Capel’s straight six at the Oval to win the 1989 Ashes.
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47th over: England 123-3 (Root 17, Malan 16) Another maiden, from Cummins to Malan. England have scored one run in five overs since tea. They are going nowhere, though it’s not through lack of intent from Root and Malan.
46th over: England 123-3 (Root 17, Malan 16) Root, trying to flick a full inswinger from Starc to leg, gets a leading edge towards mid-off. This is his least fluent innings of the series, so I fully expect him to get a hundred.
“I think Australia have to grasp a few nettles for the SAF tour,” says John Skouse. “The bowling and keeping is nailed down but the batting is as vague as it was before the Ashes started. Bancroft is young and has been finding his way so far, and the question is whether he can translate his good first-class form into Test form. He looks to have good technique and is patient - great attributes for an opener - so I have hopes for him.
“Khawaja plays far better on home soil than overseas, which isn’t unusual, but he’s not been playing particularly well at home this series. England have exposed a serious technical flaw in his batting as well, yet I still suspect he will make the touring party. I would look at pushing Marsh up to four, insist Smith moves to three, with Bancroft and Warner staying as openers. That gives space for two from three of Renshaw, Lehmann or Handscomb, which is a gamble but also a vote for the future - and a fair vote when you have a buttress of Smith and Warner ahead of them and Paine and Cummins after them. You then have a pretty solid and varied bowling unit to do the necessary.”
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45th over: England 123-3 (Root 17, Malan 16) Another maiden, this time from Cummins to Malan. Australia are strangling England, who have scored 37 runs in the last 17 overs for the loss of Vince and Cook. This is such a good, varied bowling attack. It will be some series in England in 2019 if they are all fit.
44th over: England 123-3 (Root 17, Malan 16) Pace from both ends, with Starc replacing Lyon. Root doesn’t look particularly fluent and can’t pierce the field in that over, which is a maiden.
43rd over: England 123-3 (Root 17, Malan 16) Pat Cummins almost strikes with the second ball after tea. Root mishit a drive back towards Cummins, who couldn’t quite scoop the ball up in his follow-through. Replays show it landed just short.
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Tea
42nd over: England 122-3 (Root 16, Malan 16) Malan drives Lyon through extra cover for four, a lovely stroke. That’s only the third boundary off Lyon in 14 overs. He has played his part in an excellent session for Australia, who will be very happy with three wickets on a flat pitch. See you in 15 minutes for the evening session.
41st over: England 117-3 (Root 15, Malan 12) Malan leaves a ball from Hazlewood that ducks back and doesn’t miss off stump by much. He and Root are fighting hard against some really probing bowling from Lyon and Hazlewood. There are so few freebies from those two; between them they have conceded 49 from 24 overs.
“Hi Rob,” says Sarah Bacon. “While it’s delicious to watch Gazza snaffle a wicket, his role has long been — and is perhaps responsible for his settled position in the Aussie line-up — that of The Great Preparer. He stifles the opposition’s courage, mitigates their run-making ability, and generally makes them putty for the fasties’ delectation. He downright teases them. Fine by me.”
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40th over: England 116-3 (Root 14, Malan 12) The morning rain means we’ll have consecutive three-hour sessions. If I fall asleep at the wheel you’ll know aboufeasasggggggggggg. Lyon continues to tease and tempt the England batsmen, with two runs from the over. Were it not for Steve Smith, I think he’d be Man of the Series.
39th over: England 113-3 (Root 13, Malan 10) Root plays a lovely cover drive for three off Hazlewood.
38th over: England 108-3 (Root 10, Malan 8) Malan, poking from the crease, is beaten by Lyon. This is superb bowling on a first-day wicket. Apart from those consecutive deliveries that were cut for four by Cook he has been almost unhittable. Malan tries to manufacture a lap stroke and misses, with the ball skidding past off stump.
“On the composite XI you suggested, I was less surprised at the inclusion of Cook as I was of Root,” says Reece Piper. “No centuries, averaging under 35 and probably hasn’t captained that well. I’d include Malan ahead of him for sure.”
Yep, fair point. I’d have both – Root has batted well at times, especially at Adelaide – but I agree he’s had a pretty disappointing series. Again, the alternatives aren’t great unless you’re a Mitch Marsh man.
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37th over: England 106-3 (Root 10, Malan 6) What would be your XI for the first Test in South Africa? The bowlers and keeper won’t change, fitness permitting, so it’s just the top six to consider. Has Steven Smith done enough to keep his place?
Back in the present, Root gets away with a loose stroke, top-edging a hook off Hazlewood that goes very fine for four. Starc ran round from fine leg but couldn’t get there. Hazlewood is tremendous. As an England fan, he gives me beautiful nightmares.
36th over: England 102-3 (Root 6, Malan 6) “Does Cook really make the Series XI based on one innings?” says Matt Harris. “366 from eight innings is ok, but I think he’s done the exact opposite of what his team needs from its experienced opener: instead of six failures and a 244*, they’d have been better off with seven fifties.”
I take your point, though the competition isn’t particularly strong. You could make a case for Stoneman but he has faded a little.
35th over: England 100-3 (Root 5, Malan 5) “The jinx is strong with you today,” says James Lane. “Does Root look nailed on for a ton?”
I’m the anti-Tannen. I went to the future and was sold a fake 2018 Wisden!
34th over: England 100-3 (Root 5, Malan 5) Crikey. Malan is beaten by a ludicrous jaffa from Lyon that drifts in and then spits past the edge. Malan responds with a nice back cut for two. He has started busily, particularly against Lyon.
33rd over: England 96-3 (Root 5, Malan 1) That appeal against Cook still doesn’t look particularly convincing to the naked eye. But the pitch map suggested that approximately 50.00001 per cent of the ball pitched in line, which was enough for him to be given out. Hazlewood’s clenched-fist celebration reinforces the importance of the wicket, and you’d expect Australia to take control now.
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WICKET! England 95-3 (Cook LBW b Hazlewood 39)
Hazlewood replaces Cummins and has a huge shout for LBW against Cook turned down. I think it pitched outside leg stump but Australia are going to review. I doubt they would have reviewed it for a lesser batsman. It’s certainly hitting the stumps - and replays suggest it pitched in line! Cook is out!
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32nd over: England 95-2 (Cook 39, Root 5) It’s a statement of the bleedin’ obvious, but an in-form Cook makes an almighty difference to this England team. It allows the strokeplayers to bat around him, and gives England a sense of security that isn’t there once he is out.
31st over: England 94-2 (Cook 38, Root 5) Root gets his first boundary, cutting Cummins confidently through the covers. That was the same ball that dismissed Vince.
“In response to Paul Baker’s fair point about excluding Starc, it strikes me that one could achieve natural justice by pushing Cummins up from his current batting position,” says John Skouse. “He’s far too good to bat there. It also allows for a good argument about whether Root or Smith should move up to three (they both should, for their own nations respectively, not for a combined select obviously). That would give us a best XI of: Warner; Cook; Smith; Root; S Marsh; Bairstow, Cummins, Hazlewood; Lyon; Starc; Anderson. There’s a team to take twenty wickets, with a healthy upper order to pile on the runs!”
A tail like that would make me queasy. I’d probably have Malan for one of the bowlers, perhaps Anderson.
30th over: England 90-2 (Cook 38, Root 1) Brett Lee, on commentary, makes a good point that Lyon deserves a bit of credit for that wicket. His spell (now 8-3-17-0) helped build a bit of pressure that contributed to that false stroke.
29th over: England 88-2 (Cook 37, Root 0) This email from Guy Hornsby arrived approximately 42 seconds before Vince’s dismissal.
“God, James Vince is a joy to watch but even he must agonise himself by not getting on to big scores, Rob. He plays shots you want to take to a fancy eatery and meet the parents of on the second date, but he’ll let you down with the regularity of an OBOer contemplating gin at 5am. I think I’d like him to get a ton here even more than he would, but I expect it’ll be a classy 36. Again. He’s a Ramps for the hipster age.”
WICKET! England 88-2 (Vince c Paine b Cummins 25)
The drinks break does for James Vince. That was a dreadful shot: a leaden-footed slap at a short, wide delivery from Pat Cummins. It skimmed the top edge and was taken by the keeper Tim Paine. Ach! Vince was playing beautifully, again, and has given it away, again. “Why do you do it?” says Geoff Boycott.
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28th over: England 86-1 (Cook 36, Vince 24) Cook comes down the track, without being able to get the ball away. The next two balls are fractionally short, perhaps a result of Cook using his feet, and he smacks a pair of cuts for four. Lovely batting. This is a three-hour session, so that’s drinks.
“Isn’t it marvellous that Pat Cummins has (seemingly) made it through five consecutive Tests here,” says Paul Baker. “He’s actually doubled his total caps in this series – had only played five beforehand.”
It really is. Was it Michael Holding who said fast bowlers should be protected until they are near their mid-20s and their bodies have developed? I do sometimes wonder what would have happened to our old friend Duncan Spencer had he bowled less when he was younger.
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27th over: England 78-1 (Cook 28, Vince 24) In an unlikely development, Geoff Boycott has started talking about Kim Basinger. James Vince brings us back to the cricket, thank heavens, with a thumping pull in front of square for four off Cummins.
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26th over: England 73-1 (Cook 27, Vince 20) Lyon gets one to turn sharply, if slowly, into Vince, who defends. It’s a nice battle, this, with Vince keen to use his feet where possible.
“Morning Rob,” says Ben Parker. “Thought this was rather apt for those of us watching from under the duvet… Now get right out of the bed!”
25th over: England 71-1 (Cook 27, Vince 18) “Just bat sensibly,” says Geoff Boycott on BT Sport, as if pleading with an errant dog not to pee on the Kashmir rug again. That rug really ties the room together. Cummins replaces Starc, whose pace has been down a little today, and Cook thick-edges a couple through backward point.
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24th over: England 65-1 (Cook 22, Vince 17) Lyon has started well, even though there’s not much turn. His fifth over is a maiden to Vince.
23rd over: England 65-1 (Cook 22, Vince 17) The BT Sport commentators, Swann and Vaughan, reckon this looks a very flat pitch, and will remain so for two or three days before starting to break up. England surely have a great chance of losing yet another match by an innings after scoring 400.
22nd over: England 64-1 (Cook 22, Vince 16) “Morning Rob,” says Paul Baker. “Is it possible that Starc ends the series top wicket-taker yet not in the team of the series? Feel as though Hazelwood has been the real deal here (from Adelaide second innings onwards), Cummins for his explosiveness (and batting), Anderson and of course Lyon. Starc may have taken most wickets but has he been as consistently excellent? I guess there’s a danger of that famous Thorpe quote: ‘What does he bring to the table apart from runs’?”
I know what you mean. He has bowled more loose spells than the others, but his ability to knife through the tail – and consistently trouble good batsmen like Cook and Bairstow – is enough I think.
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21st over: England 64-1 (Cook 22, Vince 16) Cook survives an optimistic appeal for a catch down the leg side off Starc. Not out. Vince then hits his third boundary in two overs from Starc, slashing a drive over backward point. He looks good. He always looks good.
“That shot from Vince up and over reminded me of one from Atherton letting loose once,” says Adam Hirst. “It was accompanied by Jonathan Agnew calling it as ‘Atherton cuts with an almost Caribbean relish’, which I still remember as a lovely bit of commentary.”
It’s fascinating that we forget so much important information as we get older, but those lines of obscure commentary are not for sale at any price.
20th over: England 59-1 (Cook 21, Vince 12) That’s a decent stroke from Cook, who forces Lyon through extra cover for a couple. He looks pretty solid. It’s 265 runs and 473 balls since his last dismissal.
19th over: England 56-1 (Cook 18, Vince 12) Thanks Geoff, hello everyone. Give me a second while I rub the sleep from my face. I think I’ve just seen James Vince wave a dreamy cover drive for four off Mitchell Starc. Replays confirm that’s exactly what I saw. He gets another boundary later in the over, slapping a cut shot up and over point. Good stuff.
18th over: England 48-1 (Cook 18, Vince 4) A maiden from Lyon to Cook, who looks alright aside from the one he nearly edges behind. Good ball. Hmm. One out of five ain’t bad? It is quite bad actually.
Right, now Rob is here – not his fault, I should stress, the rain breaks messed us all around. Be kind to him, you lot. Farewell.
17th over: England 48-1 (Cook 18, Vince 4) Cook ticks it over pretty nicely in this over against Starc. Goes through the covers for a couple, then flicks away a couple more. Plays a half-checked pull shot for a single, the half-hearted kind that has got Warner in trouble a bit. Gets away with it to the tune of a single to square leg.
16th over: England 43-1 (Cook 13, Vince 4) Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon on for his first bowl of the day. Vince plays from the crease, then grows in confidence and advances to defend. Drives a couple of rusn through cover. That and a Cook single complete the over.
15th over: England 40-1 (Cook 12, Vince 2) Ok, I lied. Rob is apparently online but is a ghost in the machine. This is awkward, it’s like when you have a long goodbye with someone at a party, then find you’re on the same bus. Oh. Hello.
Hazlewood to Cook, who top edges a single from a pull shot. Vince blocks and leaves the rest.
Finally, into my extended extra-time session, I get a Robert Wilson email. I feel like Sir Alex Ferguson, but a less alarming shade.
“Your Violent Femmes shout-out made me think of this - the perfect soundtrack to all forms of jonesing. I’m in the first days of tobacco withdrawal for what is now the fourth time in the last six months. The worst part of failing in your resolve is that you gotta go through the whole cold-turkey routine all over again, in all its bare-bulb, plaster-peeling, 70s dystopia-flick horror.”
“The tremors, hallucinations, mood-swings and startling rages are all par for the course but sweetly, each new jonesing session has some new and unexpected gimmick. This time around (don’t laugh), I’m not seeing invisible rabbits or pterodactyls, I’m just incredibly sensitive to the beauties of sporting architecture. No word of a lie, when I saw that pic of the Ladies’ Pavilion, I actually sobbed.”
“(Don’t give me any advice about nicotine patches. I’m wearing about six of the f***ers).”
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14th over: England 39-1 (Cook 11, Vince 2) Cummins pins Vince down on strike, after Cook gets away with a single towards point from a little tap. Vince has to play every ball in the over, bar a very high bouncer that is called a wide. Vince probably wishes it hadn’t been, as there’s one more ball to survive. But he gets through, keeping the bowler at bay with the full blade.
That is drinks, and I believe that’s the end for me - 14 overs of my finest, after an exciting session of rain to kick off the day. Who am I kidding, I love the rain delays more than the cricket. Much more fun, more music, and more time to answer your emails. In any case, it should be Rob Smyth to take up the cricket baton from here. Send him your warmest greetings.
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13th over: England 37-1 (Cook 10, Vince 2) Vince gets off the mark with a couple from Hazlewood, flicked to square again. Quite a few runs there from Hazlewood today.
12th over: England 35-1 (Cook 10, Vince 0) Oof. Cook gets a chunk of the square drive for two, gets all of the straight drive for four, but totally misses the cut shot for nought and nearly a caught behind. Still not in total control against Cummins, and not quite handling the pace in this pitch.
That’s right - nothing to fear as yet, Sarah. Once the new-ball shine is gone, that might change, but the signs are positive.
@GeoffLemonSport Please reassure me that this pitch is going to offer up more than that travesty at the G. 'Coz no-one would be silly enough to be watching a dead rubber at 2.30am otherwise. (I am that silly). #Ashes
— sarah jane bacon (@sportzzzgirl) January 4, 2018
11th over: England 29-1 (Cook 4, Vince 0) Cook squirts a single off Hazlewood to fine leg. Accident. Mad at himself. Ruined his strike rate. Sorry Chris.
@GeoffLemonSport Cook laying down a marker for a thousand ball ton compared to the bright and breezy twenties of Stoneman (and, let's face it, probably Vince too) #ashes
— Chris Langmead (@chrislangmead) January 4, 2018
10th over: England 28-1 (Cook 3, Vince 0) If ever there were a man to counter a spate of irresponsible cover drives, it’s James Vince. I’m very disappointment that I’ve missed one last chance to blog Vince Stoneman, private detective, as he beats the crooked police chief and solves a case. Instead we’ve got Vince Cook, who’s probably a trust-fund DJ.
WICKET! Stoneman c Paine b Cummins 24 (England 28-1)
But Cummins has done Stoneman quickly! And Stoneman has done everything quickly, including driving another four down the ground. But Cummins goes with a shorter ball, an in-between length, and Stoneman was fending at it outside off. It took the edge high on the bat, and the opener’s lovely run-a-ball cameo turns out to be a glass of theatre prosecco - sparkling, but over far too soon.
9th over: England 24-0 (Cook 3, Stoneman 20) Hazlewood has swung around to the Paddington End, and Cook could have gone twice in two balls. Two decent deliveries just outside off, two big cover drives that miss the edge by a whisker. Trying to keep up with his partner? Chill out, Alastair, we’ve seen how you do your best work. As former Australian Prime Minster Paul Keating once said to his rival, I want to do you slowly.
8th over: England 24-0 (Cook 3, Stoneman 20) An early change, and Patrick is Cummins into the attack. He looks brisk, and Stoneman is jabbing a ball away in the air to midwicket. Gets a couple of slightly streaky runs, then four less streaky ones as he utterly nails a back-foot punch behind square on the off-side. You’d have thought that was an edge, given where it went, but he did that quite deliberately, standing up tall and using a straight bat with an open face outside the off stump, bring the face in a circular motion that helps whip the ball away. 20 from 19 balls, and he is on. But Cummins beats his edge with a beauty to close the over. This is such a good tussle already. New ball doing a bit, but how long will it last?
Graham is watching from a Chinese military base in Langfang. I’m glad they’re letting you access us. “I once watched Nirvana supporting the Violent Femmes at the now defunct Festival Hall in Brisbane. Bit like watching Moeen Ali supporting Mason Crane isn’t it? Or is it vice versa...”
Speaking of New Year’s Eves, as a slip of a lad during the 1999/2000 transition I saw The Violent Femmes get bottled off stage at the Falls Festival in coastal Victoria. Don’t say we don’t know how to welcome international guests.
7th over: England 18-0 (Cook 3, Stoneman 14) Gorgeous again! Let’s call that Rocky IV, as Stoneman gets a fuller length from Starc and plays the classic straight drive back down the pitch for four. The very next ball he gets more width and so opens the face and goes through cover for three. He’s off to a very nicely paced start in this innings. He’s looked good in the series when he’s positive early. Doubles his score in one over.
6th over: England 11-0 (Cook 3, Stoneman 7) Hazlewood to Cook, who defends out the maiden aside from one cut shot straight to point. John Starbuck is on form: “That Mason Crane: he’s probably tired of hearing it but he sounds like something brickies would use to haul up their mortar to the roof. Ashton Agar sounds like a poncy architect though.”
5th over: England 11-0 (Cook 3, Stoneman 7) Gorgeous stuff. Stoneman gets the short ball and goes back, then the yorker. But he still gets forward to it. Starc is a little leg side, and Stoneman clips that with perfect timing away to the fine leg fence for four. There’s a man down there, but it went square of him with such speed that it beat him.
4th over: England 5-0 (Cook 2, Stoneman 2) Cook is working Hazlewood’s straight line productively enough, another single to midwicket. Stoneman squirts another run from a tangled forward defensive shot. Very tight run, but they’re alert to the chance. Hazlewood follows up with another corker that bites off the seam and flies away from the bat’s edge. Tasty.
“Have a look at yourself, mate,” writes Patrick O’Brien. “Referencing pop bangers from single-named chanteuses? At your stage of life?”
Reckon I’m still just about the youngest in the press box. Anyway as Edith or Johnny might have said en anglais, I regret nothing.
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3rd over: England 3-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 1) Starc attacking with a full length this over. Stoneman is shuffling his feet an anticipation. He survives a big shout that’s going down leg, and survives an awkward short one that the batsman barely gets under. This after Cook got off strike thanks to a leg bye that hit him up near the hip.
2nd over: England 2-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 1) Hazlewood to Stoneman from the Randwick End, and his first ball is a jaffa as well! In his own distinct style, back of a length and moving away, beating the bat through to Tim Paine behind the stumps. His next is straighter, and Stoneman jabs away a single off the pads. Hazlewood keeps up the attack on the stumps for Cook, who is equal to it. Wobbling the seam a bit in this overcast air is Josh. Eventually the double-century maker from Melbourne opens his account with a run to the leg side.
1st over: England 0-0 (Cook 0, Stoneman 0) We are officially away! I’m not dancing on my own anymore. And Starc begins proceedings with an absolute banger. Curling yorker, in towards middle stump, and while Cook a couple of weeks ago would have been bowled by that, the Cook of today jams down and keeps it out. Got forward enough. Gets a wider one and spears it to point, where Lyon makes a great diving save. Last ball of the over hoops away. This is great stuff.
Andrew Turner on email wants to know my movements. “If you were in Melbourne for NYE and didn’t attend the second-largest fireworks display in the state in Footscray park, you missed the fantastically amusing Immaculate Madonna. The show involved a sometimes roller-skating ‘Madge’ and a troop of not quite as young or talented as the real thing dancers. For a tangential cricket reference I walked past Tony Dodemaide on the way..”
If you want tangential cricket NYE stories, I spent the night at the Gasometer Hotel. It’s in Melbourne, not Kennington, but still. This is the New Year’s Test, after all. And the first three songs to greet me on arrival, mixed back to back to back, formed this glorious trio of dance-fever and optimism and nostalgia and catharsis and love, which should tide you over most of the 22 minutes until play begins. Bring on 2018.
England win the toss and will bat
No strategic toss declarations here. Narrow-minded, old-fashioned captaincy here. Unlike half of California, Joe Root has not been seduced by the green. He’ll back Stoneman and Cook to get through any early troubles and set up the rest of the order to bat and bat long. Two hours lost to rain, we’ll make up half an hour of that tonight and the rest via early starts across the next four days.
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On reflection, if I were going to link to one Madonna song, this is the one that has been stuck in my head since our Christmas party.
“So if I understand it England need Joe Root to lose the toss – because if memory serves they have lost every test they won the toss for over the last two series. Maybe he should just concede the toss at the start?”
Can a captain declare the toss? That’s real funky.
Regarding the scorecard glitch, apparently it’s only happening on Androids, and we’re working on fixing it. I say that in the same way that ‘we’ won World War II, or the 1500 freestyle at Atlanta 1996. My personal involvement is limited.
“The original line-up of Ted Mulry Gang were on the Pokie Circuit back in 2000 and I was forced to attend by my brother-in-law (read: dragged from the TAB out to the back room.)” Philip Davis is on the email line.
“They were unbelievably good, playing to maybe a hundred punters most of which went nuts despite averaging in their mid-40s. They started with Jump In My Car, finished with Jump In My Car and encored with Jump In My Car.”
Early lunch will be taken at 12 o'clock, toss during lunch
They will toss at 12:10, with play to commence at 12:40.
At the third stroke, the time will be 11:45 and 10 seconds. Boop, boop, boop. (I want you in my roop.)
“After being lured to Australia with promises of 40+ degrees and cricket in the sunshine I have now completed an unexpected hat trick of being rained on in every ground I’ve been to on this tour – Perth, Melbourne and Sydney. Never trusting my friends again.” Try all five, Kat Petersen. A clean sweep, a (white)wash?
There’s no bad time for this, really.
Covers are off again!
Whoooo! Cue celebrations across the land. From Mt Isa to Broome, people break out in a rousing chorus of I Am, You Are, We Are Australian. Dogs bark at sounds that only they can here. A rough and tumble parade surges across the Harbour Bridge. Wild Oats XI does a backflip over the Opera House. The hessian is rolled back, the umpires have a look, and the endless TV intro panels go on and on and on.
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Quality.
@GeoffLemonSport Since you mentioned Hindi, humidity, dermal expression and more: Hindi film song about her love for him being like the flowing stream that wants to join the clouds. Bonus: based on Mozart's 40th Symphony. So good they played it twice!https://t.co/aPyNKEOzJt
— (((Ravi Nair))) (@palfreyman1414) January 3, 2018
“The Dan O’Connell Cricket Club!” exlaims Peter Salmon. I know that he exclaimed it, because he used an exclamation mark. It’s a little-known punctuation device that might yet catch on.
“I was talking about the Dan O’Connell just tonight at a pub in Hereford – about being there on St Patrick’s Day about 15 years ago. Some genius had organised the Great Victorian Bike Ride on March 17 – meant a phalanx of people in orange rode through the sea of green... Taken in good stead by all concerned. That was back when I used to go to the Dan’s poetry readings and shout loudly about anarchy and the overthrow of capitalism.”
It’s a small cricketing world. Poetry was my first introduction to becoming a writer, and involved many dozens of Saturday afternoons at the Dan readings. A Melbourne institution, in more ways than one. That’s been going on for more than 20 years, and the cricket club for well over 10. And here we are.
The covers are still down. There are ground staff milling about but no action to take them up as yet. There’s a slight feeling that it will start soon though. No umbrellas for the hardy curators. Bred tough. God, we’ve talked about pitches a lot this season. Urggggh.
Moeen, Moeen, Moeen, Mo-eeeeen, I’m begging of you please don’t take my man.
Some reader thoughts on Mo.
Brian Withington: “Sadly I cannot help but concur with your analysis - he looked like someone who had completely lost the plot in Melbourne with both ball and especially bat. I shudder to think what Cook must have thought of him coming out there and throwing it away so pitifully from ball one. Put to shame by Broad’s effort, and how many times can that be said since his dreadful injury?”
Dilip Kuner: “If Moeen is Cooked, then he should score a double century this match, surely.”
As the French would say: touch.
And finally from Enrico, a missive to the man himself.
@GeoffLemonSport https://t.co/z0LZLU4HSj and https://t.co/KnRCfQAO5q just need to pass them on to Moeen Ali
— Enrico (@enricoimages) January 3, 2018
“Absolute club banger that Geoff – highlight of the morning. Appropriate too, as venga means ‘come on’ in Spanish, which I am sure we are all feeling right now. Come on you Aussie boys!”
Rob Dwyer is speaking my musical language. Ok, while it’s still raining at the SCG, here’s a story. I saw the Vengaboys live once. Recently, comparative to how long ago they were a thing. Maybe three years ago? At the Corner Hotel in Melbourne. Pretty sure they were lip-syncing? But least two of the original VBs were there. They were a headline act with no support band. Their set went for 43 minutes. When they came out for the encore, they asked “Which of these songs that we’ve already played would you like us to play again?”
A+, would still go and see them tonight if possible.
@GeoffLemonSport
— Benjamin Parker (@bnjmnprkr) January 3, 2018
Get yourself one of these... maybe Prime can deliver to the ground?https://t.co/W53QZtyWXn pic.twitter.com/5ko2YLegCj
“Just watching Swanny present Mason Crane with his Test cap. I wonder why players don’t wear their creams for this, rather than some ratty training kit.” I wonder why they’re so keen to get in the training kit all the time. Anytime they’re in the dressing rooms, for instance. And the kits are uniformly such hideous shades and designs that in most instances have nothing to do with the colours of the teams. Sponsor requirement, perhaps?
“Dermal underwear... Sweat pants?”
A medal for our reader Leo Nine.
Boooooo. The covers are back on.
Booooooo(m boom boom boom, I want you in my room. To cheer everyone up while we wait.)
Provocative title still for this musical classic is not under my control, incidentally. Nor are the sporadic errors in the scorecard plug-in at the top of the app. I am only one monkey in a long series of digital monkeys.
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Is this Matthew Prior the former England wicketkeeper? Doubtful, he sounds reasonable and isn’t trying to fight anyone on Twitter. “I’m hopeful for Moeen in this Test – I kinda thought he didn’t see himself as a front-line spinner, but a swashbuckling batsman who happens to be handy bowling too? Didn’t he have a great Test with the ball when freed up by another spinner in the side? So perhaps we’ll see him at his best, and stop trying to ask him to be something he’s not. Or is that unfair on all?”
Sorry to disappoint, but I think he’s cooked. The second-spinner ghosts had been put to bed, and he’d finally accepted his role and that he was a good enough bowler. But he’s been so relentlessly under the cosh here that he’s fallen apart, in all aspects of his game. He came in worried about the short ball, and forgot about Nathan Lyon who has monstered him. That effort at Melbourne was honestly one of the worst innings I’ve seen from any batsman, anywhere in the order. It was pure desperation swatting, the sign of a confused mind. I’m amazed he’s still in the team. Maybe he pulls out some brilliant effort here, but I can’t see it.
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“What about ‘dermal inversion haze’ as an alternative?” suggests Neale Roberts. I thought that was a Jimi Hendrix song. But Neale works for a health service so he’s probably right. Stephen sounds right as well.
@GeoffLemonSport Dermal expression == homeothermy transfer fluid == sweat.
— Stephen Sheldon (@Stephen_Sheldon) January 3, 2018
“Dead rubber. Rain in Sydney. Midnight approaching. Days work ahead of me. Boycott droning away on BT Sport. And yet here I am. Made toast. Opened a bottle of red. Cricket, eh?”
Indeed, Pete Salmon. Meanwhile, the slightly agitated Grif from earlier has emailed to explain his jitters. “I hate this bit before the first ball, I’m wearing my pads and new gloves I got for Christmas waiting for it to start.”
Solid work. When the Dan O’Connell Cricket Club won a lightning comp in Melbourne I went to sleep that night wearing left-handed batting gloves. I’m not even left-handed.
11am toss for an 11:30 start
It’s 10:36 local time now. 24 minutes to the toss.
Kim Thonger is on the email line with weather news. “Our dachshund (Dakkers by name) has turned in early. This normally means inclement weather on the way. I’m not convinced his rain antennae extend as far as Sydney but on the other hand, we live in strange and mysterious times, his legs are extremely short, so his ears are inevitably close to the ground, and even here in darkest Northamptonshire that must mean something is afoot.”
I’m hearing a lot about English places being ‘darkest’ today. It’s nighttime there, most places are probably equally dark. But perhaps it reflects (or doesn’t, in the absence of light) a certain national outlook. You want it darker.
“This weather mystery is like one of the old shipping forecasts: ‘Cromarty, Force 9, hail, good’. The ‘good’ refers to the fact that the fellow giving the forecast is relieved that he/she is nowhere near Cromarty,” writes Peter Rowntree.
The roller is on the pitch. Is it bowl-first green? No, not in those shoes. The patches are very much patches. Most of the track is dark straw-coloured. Bat first, grind through till lunch, then phase three is profit.
Understated.
The rain is flying below the radar. It's like that.
— Tin Kettle (@senticknap) January 3, 2018
I tipped an 11am start an hour ago, and we’re well on track now with 34 minutes to go and the hessian being rolled back to reveal... a pitch! A bit green, but only in patches, like the grass is an adolescent beard. Or in my case, a mid-20s beard. Late 20s. Early 30s. Shut up.
Harkarn Sumal channels his best Richie under the duvet in the darkest wilds of deepest Warwickshire.
“Evening Geoff, evening everyone. Your opening spell here has been sensational – poetic – akin to Jimmy under the lights at Adelaide. Got a shiny new pink keyboard, have you? Well played, well played.”
I’m only shamelessly posting this because of the keyboard line - I’d love one of those. Also because the Tim Winton book next to me includes the back cover quote, “If Winton never writes another syllable he should be remembered as the most important Australian writer of his generation.” If it’s good enough for Tim...
In far more important news, the covers are coming off.
I haven't found one weather app that says it's raining in Sydney. Have you actually been outside and checked it is really rain?
— jeff davie (@obwalorm) January 3, 2018
I walked to the ground in it, and the covers have been on since. Unless I’m just one of the Fake Weather apparatchiks... You decide.
I’m getting varying reviews on part of the preamble. “I thought you were going well until “dermal expression”, says Tom Evershed. Well Tom, if you can think of a more ridiculous means of saying ‘sweat’. I’d like to hear it.
(I really would like to hear it.)
Enrico, however, is on board. He’s a man of the future.
@GeoffLemonSport Nice intro to your live coverage in the Guardian - dermal expression means same in Hindi - at least the dermal part
— Enrico (@enricoimages) January 3, 2018
@GeoffLemonSport morning from Bangkok. I called Moeen Ali to be the best All rounder England had 18 months ago. Several hundreds, player if series and wickets later, and he capitulates in Aus. We going to see a Mo masterclass this match?
— Jose Burnsinio (@joseburnsinio) January 3, 2018
No.
Ladies and gents, I give you the ‘Bureau’ of ‘Meteorology’. I mean, what do you expect from a communist infiltration organisation plotting to fool us all about the myth of climate change as one more step in instituting a New World Order for the benefit of the shapeshifting lizard people.
According to the BOM radar, the rain I'm watching in Sydney is not happening. This post-truth era grows more confusing by the day. #Ashes pic.twitter.com/3gVLMB2rHF
— Geoff Lemon Sport (@GeoffLemonSport) January 3, 2018
Talk to me
As always, the OBO is built on you. Or ewe. Or yew. It was a verbal briefing.
Please get at me on Twitter via @GeoffLemonSport, or on the email line via geoff.lemon@theguardian.com.
“Love the lilting prose, but is it pissing down now or what?” asks Grif. I wouldn’t use that formulation, it’s more like a leaking catheter. A slowly spreading damp patch. A few people have umbrellas up but that’s mainly to compensate for the annoyance of having to wait for such light drizzle.
Teams
One change for each, as far as we know. Mitchell Starc is back for Jackson Bird, meaning that left-arm-spinning flamingo-batting wonderboy Ashton Agar misses out, and my beautiful Agar article linked to below is wasted, wasted on these philistines running Australian cricket. I’ll amend it shortly, don’t worry. For England, the change is the leg-spinner and criminal defence barrister, Mason Crane, coming in for Chris Woakes who is (genuinely, I am assured by our newshound Ali Martin) injured rather than being left out. He’s got a side strain. Although with all this inclement weather, England might reconsider and throw in Jake Ball for another seam option. But as I’ve often said, Ball is no Mohammed Asif. And I’m sure if they picked him, they’d win the toss and have to bat.
The story so far
Two Ashes series, women’s and then men’s, dating back until October. The first women’s game came a day before Cricket Australia’s AGM, at which they told us that the pay dispute that had paralysed cricket for some months mid-year was fine, everything was fine, there was nothing to see here, and of the people at CA who had instigated and escalated the fight, none would be held accountable or open to any public scrutiny. Swell.
The hope was that the drama would soon be forgotten once the cricket began, and to a fair extent that has worked. Though the divisions it has created between players and administrators may have ramifications that will make themselves manifest again further down the line.
So the Grand Tour began, starting with a Brisbane ODI that was an oasis of sunlight amid a solid fortnight of rain. To Coffs Harbour, where the pints cost half what they do in capital cities, and the beach is beautiful, and when locals referred to relatives who had left town they said “she got out”. To North Sydney Oval, and a pink-ball triumph with crowds and love and the fact that Ellyse Perry can create both, despite batting the conditions. Beth Mooney flowering in the shortest format to retain the Ashes, then again in Canberra with her blazing ton, only for Danni Wyatt to upstage her and tie the series for England. A classic.
Back to Brisbane to for Smith to grind in the disarming lack of heat, before he would flourish in Perth. In between, stately Adelaide, where the pink ball sang under lights as Jimmy Anderson waved the baton. But the music wasn’t enough. All three cities unseasonably cool and damp, and the same on to Melbourne (why do they even bother playing cricket in this country, &c, &c). Rain has circled this series like a black dog round a campsite, close enough to cause consternation, but not yet with any fatal intervention.
Now the circle has closed, and after five more days everyone at this carnival of ball and blade will scatter like dandelion seeds that have discovered purpose, back to where they came. Settle in, that we may describe their preparation for flight.
Hello, and welcome, as this Ashes cricketing odyssey comes to its final stage. We come to you from Sydney, morning in the coastal warmth, grey and dense. The glittering harbour town of 80s postcards has disappeared into myth. This city’s humidity held me up all night, buoyed on its swells, sleep appearing and disappearing like enchanted islands. Shadows loomed in the fog, and by morning there was not so much the sense of being rested as of being dissolved, becoming one more passing shape, one’s name and identity and purpose worn away as painted signage is in drizzle.
In this ongoing dislocation, we stumble our way to the SCG, slow knots of people tangled under a sulking teenage sky. The air is so still that it might have been shot. It drapes itself over you – you don’t so much walk to the cricket ground as push your way through curtains. There is no heat, but light sweat coats you anyway. The atmosphere is at saturation point; there is nowhere for your dermal expression to go.
The covers are presently on, though most of the many working crews on the ground are going umbrella-less. We may start a trifle delayed – though as anyone with recent Christmas experience behind them can tell you, a trifle delayed is a trifle denied. But soon enough the closing chapter will begin, a denouement that cannot change the story, but perhaps provide the symbolism for later interpreters to read, fingers scanning the verso as the other hand scrawls notes in the recto.
Pages, prepare to turn.
Geoff will be here shortly. In the meantime, read his feature on Ashton Agar, the man who made a famous 98 at Trent Bridge four and a half years ago.
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