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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Sport
Rob Smyth

Ashes 2015: England v Australia: fifth Test, day four – as it happened

England’s captain Alastair Cook holds up the replica Ashes urn as England players celebrate their series victory over Australia at the Kia Oval.
England’s captain Alastair Cook holds up the replica Ashes urn as England players celebrate their series victory over Australia at the Kia Oval. Photograph: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

The report from the last day of the 2015 Ashes can be found here.

More reaction to follow on the site but from me, it’s good bye.

England have regained the Ashes 3-2. Enjoy your Sunday evenings!

Trevor Bayliss chatting to Ian Ward:

“In the UAE, at some stage, we’ll play two spinners. so how we fit that other spinner in we’ve yet to decide. There’s a selection meeting in a couple of weeks for that. We’ve got to make sure we do our homework and make a decision.

“It’s been good to play some younger players in the one day series against New Zealand and blood them in international cricket.

“The ECB have made it very easy for me to fit in and they’ve a great bunch of guys on and off the field. The players have handled the mental side well: at the start of the series they weren’t given a chance. It took a lot of courage and confidence to stand up against that Australian team. Winning that first game really gave them that confidence.”

CHAMPIONES CHAMPIONES ETC

Cook poses for a video as he holds the Investec trophy. Bit odd.

“To have beaten Australia three times is a huge credit to the guys here. It’s been a great series to be a part of. The support of the general public has been absolutely fantastic.

“Sitting in the SCG with it being 5-0, to rebuild a side who are learning the hard game of Test cricket – they’ve been brilliant.”

Good ovation for Michael Clarke as he comes to the stage to collect his medal.

“Probably because I haven’t scored many runs - I’m used to them booing me,” says Clarke on his reception across the country.

“I’m blessed to have played for as long as I have.”

Updated

Some quick sort-of news before the captains say their piece...

England Man Of The Series AND winner of the Compton-Miller medal: Joe Root (460 @ 57.50 – two hundreds, two fifties)

Well, it had to be, didn’t it? Lehmann picked him for England’s best, selectors James Whittaker and Rod Marsh picked him as the best of both sides.

“Tonight will be hard to beat,” says Root when asked for his highlight of the series so far. Bawdy, that.

Australia Man Of The Series: Chris Rogers (480 runs @ 60.8)

“I’ve never been up here [the podium] so it’s nice.”

England coach Trevor Bayliss made the call and you can see why: the highest run-scorer across the last three Ashes series, he’s been a fine addition to the Australian top-order for the last couple of years.

“I was playing cricket for the living - it’s not the worst job in the world. But to have the experiences I’ve had after this late chance have been great. Thanks to the Aussie guys for making me feel so welcome.”


Player of the Match: Steven Smith (143 in the first innings)

He wins two and a half grand, a magnum of champagne and the Australian captaincy.

“It’s always going to be tough coming over to England and playing in these conditions.”

O RLY...

Presentations about to get underway – the players had to wait around on the outfield until the Sky montage, shown on the big screen at the ground, finished. Odd.

Will bring you the chat from the skippers and news of how many beers Ben Stokes has seen off.

“I might wear it around my house” - Michael Clarke on his Baggy Green.

A great? In moments, yes. One big moment, 2012, saw him break the record for number of runs scored in a calendar year by an Australian. 1595 runs, five hundreds, three doubles, one triple.

Some early reactions from Twitter...

WICKET! Ali c Nevill b Siddle 35 (England 286 all out) – Australia win by an innings and 46 runs

England’s Moeen Ali hits out and is caught.
England’s Moeen Ali hits out and is caught. Photograph: Stu Forster/Getty Images

England win the 2015 Ashes series 3-2!

The Ashes
The Ashes Photograph: Paul Childs/Reuters

Updated

101st over: England 284-9 (Ali 34, Finn 8)

Couple to Ali as Marsh is outside off-stump and he guides him behind point. Bit of an overcorrection and it’s fine down the leg-side for four more to Ali. Bit of width and a decent scythe in front of point for another boundary.

100th over: England 273-9 (Ali 23, Finn 8)

A dot ball then Finn works a ball off his hip, behind square on the leg-side for one. A thick low edge gets Finn a four through gully, after the strike is returned to him by Ai. A good leave and then a good block and England are back to being favourites.

99th over: England 267-9 (Ali 22, Finn 3)

Mitchell Marsh misses a drive outside off and then mis-times a pull that lands safe for one. Rogers takes the helmet for short-leg to Finn. A duck, a fish and then a nice time off middle-and-off for a single to midwicket.

Interesting tidbit – England’s most productive partnership this series has been Ali and Broad, who have put on 270 runs together.

98th over: England 265-9 (Ali 21, Finn 2)

Starc and Johnson spent that last over warming up, Siddle instead and a wicket second ball. Broad drives onto his own stumps and the Watford Wall comes out. Chris Rogers, his Middlesex teammate for so many years, has a few words from short-midwicket. Finn responds with a comprehensive thick edge through gully for 2!!!

WICKET! Broad b Siddle 11 (England 263-9)

England’s Stuart Broad is bowled by Peter Siddle.
England’s Stuart Broad is bowled by Peter Siddle. Photograph: Stu Forster/Getty Images

Siddle gets Broad forward and driving onto his stumps off a thick inside edge.

Updated

97th over: England 263-8 (Ali 21, Broad 11)

Mitchell Marsh to bowl and Stuart Broad leaves outside off-stump. Smart single into the leg-side takes him to 11 as Moeen takes guard again. Marsh around the wicket to him and that’s another leave. Strange passage of play before the rains came when Ali, wary of the clouds, started sweeping across the line and being a bit silly. Much better, now, as he defends Marsh with a straight bat into the leg-side. Then he goes over the top of cover for four.

A quick run through what we’re all waiting about for:

Australia need two wickets, England need 74 runs to make them bat again. Moeen Ali’s still there on 17, having spent his innings playing some peculiar shots. Stuart Broad, 10*, has been giving it a bit of tonk.

NEWS FROM THE KIA OVAL - PLAY DUE TO RESTART AT 3PM

That is of course provided there is no further rain. Sterling work to get the covers off and the outfield mopped.

Having a pint dressed as a nun waiting for the rain to clear
Having a pint dressed as a nun waiting for the rain to clear Photograph: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

Updated

For those enquiring about UAE tickets earlier, some info courtesy of Faisal Ali, who has e-mailed in:

“You can tell your reader, he can just rock up and pay at the gate for the Sharjah test. For some odd reason, the entire test has been scheduled for the working week in the UAE (Sun-Thurs) so will barely be a soul at the test. Daft scheduling as weekend Tests in Sharjah do attract around 10,000 on a Friday and 5,000 on a Saturday.
“Tickets will cost around £10-15 per day. Could be even better - is always free entry for Tests in Abu Dhabi and usually free in Dubai.”

Updated

“Oh”

Nick can’t quite believe that Azpilicueta has scored. No doubt this will be reflected in his live-blog update. That’s the thing about Nick Miller, he gives little away. Apart from when he live-blogs, where he puts it all on the line. He’s seen four goals so far and he’s live-blogged every single one of them, has the lad.

To the Kia Oval, where some of the outer covers have been removed. But there’s still a good deal of surface water that will need to be sopped up. The finish time can be put back to 7pm. With that, an extra half-hour can then be claimed, along with another 30-minutes with a result in the offing.

That means play can go on till 8pm.

Paul Ward has e-mailed in with a request, if any of you lovely OBOers could help...

“Many years ago, I read two cricket books whose titles and author now escape me. I seem to recall that the author was Indian (books were in English” and that titles were something like ‘Cricket, the lovely game.’
“If anyone can identify books and author, I’ll happily run over a nominated granny.”

Away from Nick (briefly), some movement in south London...

Hahahahaha I know, tell me about it, Nick!

Sorry about that, was just sharing a joke with Nick Miller, who’s currently live-blogging West Brom v Chelsea on this site. I said a joke first, he responded with a riff on my joke which was really funny. Technically, I’ve set him up for that and, given there was no break in dialogue, it probably still counts as *my* joke. Nick’s not laughing though. He’s still live-blogging.

Nick Miller
“AND DIEGO COSTA PUTS CHELSEA 2-NIL UP!” Photograph: Vish's iPhone

Afternoon all. Vish here – I’ll be your rain supervisor for the next couple of hours.

It is still raining at the Kia Oval.

I’m off to get some lunch. Vish will be on rain duty for a while. Bye!

Updated

Weather update See the last weather update. It’s raining, pretty heavily. The Sky chaps are confident we will get some play, maybe after tea. Whenever there is news about a potential restart, you’ll read it here 12th.

Tickets. Please.

“Dear Rob,” writers Hugh Saunders. “I too would rescue your granny, but not for charitable causes. Rather, it’s because I am going to be in the UAE in November for the last test and I quite fancy going to watch. However, the ECB website is silent about the series as a whole - especially about how to get tickets. It’s almost as if they have designs on your granny too. Do any of your readers know how one goes about getting tickets for Sharjah?”

Gran designs, you say. Honk!

Honk?

Er, can anyone help Hugh with tickets?

“Why is all the talk of Moeen either as a number 8 or a makeshift opener for subcontinent conditions?” says Alfred Moore. “He seems a perfect middle-order batsman, capable of taking the game to the spinner, playing all the shots, grinding out a score if necessary, as at Edgbaston in this series or his rearguard hundred against Sri Lanka. I wouldn’t want him facing the new ball against South Africa, but at four or five he’d be ideal. He (like Stokes) is a potentially excellent batting all rounder, and he’s going to be screwed if he’s treated as a not quite good enough spinner or a not good enough opener.”

Yeah, at the moment he is a utility player and that isn’t entirely fair. They need to make a decision about his role soon, and matters will come to a head if his bowling is picked off in the UAE. I’m not sure he’s quite good enough to bat in the top six long term – I suspect he’ll average nearer 35 than 45 – but I suppose there is only one way to find out. England’s problem is that Stokes, Buttler and Moeen are all not quite Test No6s, yet, but between them they give England enough of a cushion to justify playing five bowlers. Take away that cushion and have, say, Broad at No8 and you have a bit of an issue with the batting. In fact there’s an issue with the batting even now.

Granny Smyth update

“I would rescue your granny from the 4x4 and expect nothing in return, except for a hefty cut from the personal injury insurance claim to be donated to a cricket-worthy cause. Actually, there’s an opportunity there for cricket charities: we could organise some specific granny-bundling incidents to increase funds. It’ll be pretty crowded around the Oval in a few hours and in the wet any number of accidents could happen.”

Weather update

It’s still raining.

Lunch

An early lunch has been taken. Okay, it was taken 13 minutes ago. Start the breaking news ticker! The afternoon session is thus scheduled to begin at 1.10pm, though that isn’t going to happen.

Here’s Ian Copestake. “I would bundle your granny under a 4x4 for UAE tours to be struck off the calendar and this series be extended to best of 21.”

“Time now for a Great Rain Commentary,” says John Starbuck. “Will this one be mainly punctuated by OBO readers’ emphatic obsessions, or can we come up with a totally unrelated riff? TMS has got one going on bowlers’ workloads and discovering that they were a lot more intensive Back in the Day, but it is Geoffrey driving it so no surprises there. We crave novelty.”

Ach, I would love to, but I have to write the England player ratings for the series, and those Adam Lyth-related expletives won’t write themselves. But I’ll update this sporadically, so send your emails in, and don’t forget to press F5!!!!

I guess that will be it until lunch at least, and maybe until late afternoon. The forecast gets a bit better later in the day.

“The crowd would do well to remember that they also asked for a Conservative government,” writes Alastair Cam Ian Copestake. “Be careful what you pray for.”

Updated

RAIN STOPS PLAY

95th over: England 258-8 (Moeen Ali 17, Broad 10; trail by 74) This is a masterclass in batting for a draw by Moeen, who misses an almighty slog-sweep at Lyon. EVEN SHANE WARNE IS ADVOCATING THE DEFENSIVE OPTION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! The crowd are chanting “off, off, off” – and, for once, the public gets what the public wants, because they players are going off. With the permission of the umpires, I should stress; they haven’t just decided to do one.

Umpire Aleem Dar lifts his hat to check the rain fall.
Umpire Aleem Dar lifts his hat to check the rain fall. Photograph: Mitchell Gunn/Getty Images

Updated

94th over: England 258-8 (Moeen Ali 17, Broad 10) Mitchell Johnson is back, perhaps for one last bit of thuggery in Ashes cricket. Moeen Ali knows what’s coming. He shapes to hook, tries to pull out when it gets really big, and top edges the ball over Nevill for four. Johnson looks angrier than at any time in the series, even more so when he is wided for a very short delivery to Moeen. Moeen continues to bat diligently for a draw with a wild swing that meets with only fresh air. It’s seriously gloomy now, and the groundstaff are ready for business.

It would just be a quick fix in the UAE, where there won’t be much short stuff. It’s far from ideal but there aren’t many other solutions. I’d consider Compton or Carberry, three seamers and two spinners, but that isn’t entirely satisfactory either. Either way, they will need an opener in South Africa.

Updated

94th over: England 252-8 (Moeen Ali 12, Broad 10) No daft slog-sweeps against Lyon yet, and his second over passes without incident.

“Five series wins in a decade!” says Phil Withall. “People need to realise just how remarkable that achievement is. I still struggle to comprehend the magnitude of it. People just need to look at that stat and remember where English cricket was and where it’s core is now. Be happy!”

If Freud had ever psychoanalysed an England cricket fan, he’d surely have given up and become a postman instead.

93rd over: England 252-8 (Moeen Ali 12, Broad 10) Broad flicks Starc in the air and just wide of mid-on. Imagine if the score was 2-1 now rather than 3-1; there wouldn’t be a squeakless derriere in the house. There would be an homage to the fat physio, with England trying to waste time until the rain comes. Instead, nobody really seems to care.

They’re into darts now.

92nd over: England 248-8 (Moeen Ali 11, Broad 7) This is a good move from Clarke: he has introduced Nathan Lyon, who will surely tempt Moeen and probably Broad into slog-sweeping against the spin. His last ball, to Moeen, dips onto middle and turns viciously past the outside edge. Good luck playing that. Right, that’s drinks.

Oh, nostalgia.

91st over: England 246-8 (Moeen Ali 11, Broad 6) Mitchell Starc replaces Mitchell Marsh and beats Moeen with a gorgeous outswinger. As Mike Atherton observes on Sky, Moeen plays and misses a helluva lot for such a good player, and then when you think you’ve got him in trouble he unfurls the most emphatic, elegant cover drive – or a deliberate squirt to the third-man boundary, as he has just played off an exasperated Starc. Who is then even more exasperated when the next ball goes past the outside edge. England trail by 86. It’s extremely gloomy at the Oval now, and a few umbrellas are up. A storm is coming, Frank says.

90th over: England 242-8 (Moeen Ali 7, Broad 6) Nevill iron-gloves an awkward, dipping delivery from Siddle for four byes, and then for two more as he dives to try to reach a delivery that swung a mile after passing the bat.

“Am finding myself irritated by the emerging consensus (btl on Guardian blogs at least!) that England have been lucky here and somehow don’t deserve to win this series,” says Philip Harrison. “You don’t fluke wins in five-game series. And people forget how little chance most observers gave England at the start. I hope people don’t start trying to rewrite history now.” Yep, completely agree with that. Maybe we have become a bit spoiled by five Ashes wins in a decade and are now looking for perfection rather than just winning the thing. Between 1989 and 2005 most of us would have bundled our granny under a 4x4 for an Ashes win, however it was achieved.

89th over: England 235-8 (Moeen Ali 6, Broad 6) Moeen eases a lovely drive through the covers for four off Mitchell Marsh. He’s England’s third-highest scorer in this series, behind Root and Cook. Indeed only four lower-order batsmen (batting from 8 to 11) have scored more runs in a Test series. The man just before Moeen on the list is quite good. Wasim Akram scored 257 runs in the 1996-97 series against Zimbabwe. In one innings.

88th over: England 230-8 (Moeen Ali 1, Broad 6) Siddle is bowling some absurd jaffas with this new ball, such as the surprise lifter that bursts past Broad’s outside edge. Broad responds with an excellent cover drive for four, only the third boundary off Siddle in 21 overs.

87th over: England 226-8 (Moeen Ali 1, Broad 2) Both batsmen get off the mark with quick singles. England trail by 106.

Updated

WICKET! England 223-8 (Buttler c Starc b Marsh 42) This isn’t going to take long. Buttler plays a loose, uppish drive that is taken nicely by Starc, swooping forward at mid-off. He knows it’s a poor stroke, and looks pretty hacked off with himself as he walks off. It’s hard to be too annoyed. Buttler ends a poor personal series, with the bat at least, with 122 runs at 15.25.

Updated

86th over: England 223-7 (Buttler 42, Moeen Ali 0) There have been some very good No9s throughout Test history: Clem Hill, Asif Iqbal, Ray Lindwall, Shaun Pollock, Daniel Vettori – and Moeen Ali, who is batting in this position for the second time in the series. He misjudges an attempted leave off Siddle, deflecting the ball fractionally short of second slip and then survives consecutive shouts for caught behind. The first missed the outside edge; the second jagged back and hit Moeen’s thigh on its way through to Nevill. A superb maiden from Siddle. In other, mildly terrifying news, Bumble is talking about playing Spin The Bottle at primary school. “Whoever it pointed at, y’ad to give ‘em a kiss.”

Updated

85th over: England 223-7 (Buttler 42, Moeen Ali 0) Clarke rotates his Mitchells, with Marsh replacing Johnson after a two-over spell that was straight outta 2009. It might be Johnson’s last spell in an Ashes Test. There are plenty of folk playing their last Ashes Test, and a few playing their last Test.

84th over: England 221-7 (Buttler 40, Moeen Ali 0) Siddle’s figures are now 19-11-20-2. I’m not sure what that second noise was with the Wood dismissal, but it doesn’t really matter because justice was eventually done and the world is ultimately a better place for that.

Updated

WICKET! England 221-7 (Wood LBW b Siddle 6)

England’s Mark Wood walks off the pitch.
England’s Mark Wood walks off the pitch. Photograph: BPI/REX Shutterstock

Wood, driving on the up in the contemporary style, edges Siddle over the slips for four. Then there’s a huge LBW shout, turned down by Kumar Dharmasena but reviewed by Michael Clarke. There seemed to be two noises, and David Lloyd on Sky thought there was an inside edge. So did I, but the first replay suggests otherwise. This looks plumb. Yes, he’s out. It snaked back and hit him in front of middle, an excellent delivery from Siddle.

Updated

83rd over: England 217-6 (Buttler 40, Wood 2) Johnson bowls to the right, delivering a big leg-side wide to Wood that would have gone to the boundary but for Peter Nevill’s spectacular diving stop. The floodlights are on already, such is the enveloping gloom in south London. Buttler leans into an inswinger from Johnson and drives it whence it came for four. Johnson is not happy, and a radge-induced short ball hits Buttler on the back before looping over Nevill for four byes.

“Can I suggest a quote for these Ashes that is not actually from these Ashes?” says Robin Hazlehurst. “This series has been defined by its hell for leather, damn the torpedoes, play like there’s no tomorrow (which there often hasn’t been) approach to batting that typifies the New Brand of Cricket (TM). But that characteristic only shows up in stark relief against the stodge that preceded it, so the best quote for these Ashes is ‘we have to look at the data’, as that is precisely what this series has emphatically not done. If you see what I mean.” Always.

Updated

82nd over: England 207-6 (Buttler 36, Wood 1) It’s Siddle rather than Starc at the other end, a shiny red cherry as reward for his good work yesterday. Buttler, whose unbeaten 34 is his highest score of a difficult series, is waiting for a bad ball. He can keep waiting. Wood invents a potential leg-bye in his head and gets more than halfway down before Buttler sends him back. Wood sprawls into his crease but would have been out had the throw from Rogers hit the stumps. Wood really is daft as a brush, bless him. Buttler then gets a leading edge through the covers, all along the ground, for two.

“I reckon that any quote from Michael Clarke raging at the Aussie selectors would do,” says John Starbuck. “It’s clear that the pattern of the series was heavily influenced by sectorial foul-ups and calls into question the Aussie method. For England, there were some mistakes (choice of opener, in hindsight) but otherwise they happened to get lucky in that injuries dictated many of the choices, all of whom came good at some point.” That’s a good point. “I’m not a selector” - Michael Clarke, passim.

81st over: England 205-6 (Buttler 34, Wood 1) Mitchell Johnson takes the new ball, with destruction in mind. Wood pushes his first ball in the air but past short leg for a single. There is inswing for Johnson, which might make Clarke give the new ball to Starc rather than Siddle at the other end.

“What do you make of the series Rob?” says Paul Ewart. “I think we may have witnessed the first postmodern ashes: all crazed action with plot and detail as added extras. Great result for England but I do wonder at some of the coverage. Such a young team will be inconsistent, let’s celebrate the good times and accept the bad ones. The likes of Root, Stokes and Buttler could and should be fixtures for years to come. As for Australia, what to say? It’s perhaps the least Australian touring side I’ve ever seen. But the bowlers are good and England have done well to score when they can.”

I agree with most of that, although actually 2001 and 2005 were even more crazed, certainly in terms of scoring rate, and 2009 wasn’t far behind. I suppose the fact we almost had back-to-back two-day Tests takes this series to another, surreal level.

80th over: England 203-6 (Buttler 33, Wood 0) Michael Clarke leads Australia out, perhaps for the last time, and gets a lovely ovation. I can’t even begin to imagine the whirligig of emotions he is experiencing right now. Peter Siddle will bowl the first over. He gave a supreme demonstration of Glenn McGrath-style fast-medium torture yesterday, with figures of 16-10-14-1. Those figures are now 17-11-14-1, after six dot balls to Jos Buttler. England trail by 129 and Gary Naylor has something in his eye.

“Evening Rob,” says Phil Withall. “Having picked up a copy of Gentlemen and Sledgers this afternoon (Only $15 in a well known Australian chain store!) I started to ponder on the quotes from this series that will grace future editions. However, any such endeavour has been nullified by my inability to shake off images from Shane’s mural.”

I’ve been thinking about this in case we do a paperback. What I found with the book is that often the quote that comes to define an Ashes series, like Allan Border’s tea party, isn’t a big thing at the time. So maybe we need the dust to settle first. But I suspect it will be remembered as the groundsman’s Ashes, and in that sense David Warner’s quote at Trent Bridge – “every ball felt like my first ball” – was a good one.

The moment of the series is probably Ben Stokes’s catch, so “#broadface” is another contender. Or you could have “Rooooooot”, or the Dad’s army stuff, or maybe a choice quote containing the phrase “brand of cricket”. They all tell significant parts of the story.

Updated

Sky are paying tribute to Michael Clarke, whose wonderful career will probably end today. It’s kind of fitting that 10 of the 16 England wickets in this match have fallen in the first over a new spell, for few captains have read games with the same level of insightful instinct. At his best, and particularly when he had disciplined bowlers like Ryan Harris and Peter Siddle to accompany Mitchell Johnson, Pup controlled games like a master puppeteer.

His captaincy has been so good that it’s easy to forget what a gorgeous batsman he was for so long. There are so many memories: swapping his helmet for the Baggy Green just before he reached a sublime debut century against Bangalore in 2004, his record-breaking 2012 – in which he made three Test double hundreds and an unbeaten 329 – and his unbelievable courage in Cape Town in 2014. His final average – 49.10 – is a fair reflection of a glorious talent who ultimately fell just short of greatness.

Updated

“What the hell is a Graduation Ball?” says David Singer. Duh, it’s Nathan Lyon’s new delivery.

The ever impressive Paul Farbrace is chatting to Ian Ward on Sky. He admits there has been an “end-of-term” feel to the match, and that England have lacked “edge”. He said their preparation was fine and their intentions were good, but that the emotion of Trent Bridge took more out of them than they realised. It’s hard to find too much fault with that.

Preamble

Hello. The Graduation Ball (or Prom Night, if you prefer) is one of the most memorable nights of a person’s life, even if the actual details are usually lost in a fug of booze, mawkishness and injudicious comments to people you’ll mercifully never see again. It’s also one of the most keenly anticipated, which makes New Year’s Eve seem like an ordinary week night by comparison.

Today, Jos Buttler, Mark Wood and Moeen Ali are in the unusual position of wanting to delay their own graduation party. If they can bat until lunch – when the forecast is for everything from light showers to the apocalypse – this game may drag on until it is declared a draw tomorrow afternoon. But if England’s last four wickets go down in a hurry, they will be lifting the urn and swigging bottles of the ECB’s official liver compromiser before midday.

Buttler, Moeen, Wood, Ben Stokes and Adam Lyth will all graduate as England cricketers today, joining the club of Ashes-winners. And unlike degrees, which they give to any old clown these days, this is an exclusive club. A look at those who didn’t win the Ashes – including Ken Barrington, Mike Atherton, Graham Thorpe, Alec Stewart and Usman Afzaal – reminds us of that.

In a sense Steven Finn will graduate, too, because his two Ashes wins in 2010-11 and 2013 were significantly tarnished by the fact he was dropped during the series both times.

Others are getting used to the experience; Ian Bell is one of two Englishmen since the war to have won the Ashes five times. The other is Sir Ian Botham. What an unlikely Aussie-bashing duo they are: a thrilling specimen of primal masculinity who gave an entire nation the chills for over a decade, and that fella who walked from Land’s End to John O’Groats. Honk.

England resume on 203 for six, a deficit of 129. You’d need to be tediously one-eyed to deny that Australia deserve to win this game. A 3-2 score tells the fairest story, as much as any score can explain this peculiar Ashes series.

Buttler and Moeen should just give it some humpty against the second new ball; if it comes off, they bring a time/runs equation into play. The natural approach is invariably the best one anyway. And if it doesn’t come off, they get to start a party they will never forget, or remember.

Updated

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