SAVING ROMA’S BACON
When The Fiver’s hand-stitched loafer-wearing, espresso-sipping, Vespa-riding, toga-wearing Italian cousin La Cinque rang to jabber excitedly down the phone last night, all in Fiver Towers presumed he’d heard that story about David Cameron and was ringing to find out if it was true or if somebody was telling porkies. Of course we should have known that people from a country occasionally led by Silvio Berlusconi tend not to care where their prime minister may or may not have stuck his w1nkle and realised that our excitable relative was in fact calling to let us know that Francesco Totti had scored his 300th goal for Roma. In keeping with the cynical view of Italian football held by many in the UK it was offside, but was allowed anyway, enabling Roma to go level with Sassuolo in a match that finished all square at two goals apiece.
As Roman as the Colosseum, the Trevi Fountain and whatever it is the Romans do when they’re in Rome, Totti has represented Roma for 22 seasons, glorying in such nicknames as Il Bimbo d’Oro (Golden Boy), Il Re di Roma (the King of Rome), Il Gladitore (The Gladiator) and Er Pupone (Big Baby) and reached the milestone in his 745th appearance for the club, 21 years and 16 days after scoring his first against Foggia. It is a mighty achievement for a 39-year-old who is renowned, off the field at least, for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer. So much so that he had enough material to release All the Jokes About Totti Collected by Me, a compendium of gags he’s heard about himself to raise a lorry-load of cash for charity.
A man fabled for his celebrations of milestone goals, The Fiver was curious to see how Totti would mark the occasion of his 300th in a Roma shirt, not least because the chances of a man of his years making it to 350 would seem even slimmer than those of seeing the leader of the Tory party turn up for the next prime minister’s questions wearing a suit made from bacon. In 2004, Totti commandeered a television camera after scoring in a derby against Lazio, while earlier this year he posed for a selfie in front of Roma’s Curva Sud after becoming the all time leading scorer in the Derby della Capitale. On this occasion, however, Rome’s most famous son was more low key, contenting himself with standing in the centre-circle and holding up three fingers. Of course if the great man really is as dim as some would have us believe, that counts as a carefully choreographed and well rehearsed celebration.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I told Labrune he is a muppet and that he won’t last in football as long as he thinks he will” – Lyon president Jean-Michel Aulas elects not to cool the temperature in response to Marseille president Vincent Labrune’s comments after the Ligue 1 match between the two sides. The match was disrupted by glass bottles being thrown onto the pitch, a fire bomb hitting Marseille striker Michy Batshuayi and an effigy of Mathieu Valbuena being hung in the stands.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“Everybody knows Diego. This guy likes to cheat a lot and put the opponent out of his game. That happened in the game. But he’s a real nice guy in the life and we are very proud to have him” – Kurt Zouma might find himself without an invite to the annual Costa family Halloween party this year.
FIVER LETTERS
“Shall we play Wenger Jeopardy? The Answer is one on Wednesday and two on Saturday. Yes, that’s right, the question is ‘How many players do Arsenal need to have sent off to detract away from the fact that they can’t defend basic set pieces?’ – Noble Francis.
“Every Sunderland performance should come with an apology” – Noble Francis.
“So we finally find out the cause of Lord Ferg’s retirement from Manchester United. I wonder what would cause him to stop releasing books?” – Noble Francis.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Get this. Some Arsenal fans want a boycott against a particular high-street coffee chain for three games because it happens to share a name as a certain Chelsea striker. saying that, the boycott might only last two games if the club can convince the FA that Gabriel Paulista was not really being naughty.
One club and one player, however, who will not be appealing against a red card are Everton and Kevin Mirallas. “Understanding how the system works, I don’t think we have got a chance to get it overturned so we need to feel hurt with the decision and support Kevin,” tooted Roberto Martínez.
Simon Mignolet likes to think outside the box. When most of us make a mistake that is costly, we alter our approach. Not Simon though. Despite dropping a clanger against Norwich, he ain’t gonna change. “The next time a ball comes in like that I’ll still come for it,” he rapped.
Manchester United plan to wrap Phil Jones in cotton wool until they are sure that he is fit enough to return to pulling stupid faces. “[Friday] was his first training session with the group so it’s nearly done but he’s not match fit. It’s very early,” safety-in-the-work-placed Louis van Gaal.
Alan Pardew reckons that Wilfried Zaha needs to stop thinking about the meaning behind Holy Motors and work on his concentration skills. “The issue with Wilf is that he’s a fabulous footballer. I’m trying to get him to understand that every moment in every game is very important,” motivated Pardew. “It’s about concentration, about having that same desire to defend and attack, movement and everything that a top player produces. Unfortunately I didn’t think he did that,” he kept on motivating.
Senior football figures including former England coach Sammy Lee have been cleared of all charges after they were accused of a string of offences surrounding a £1m Premier League transfer deal.
STILL WANT MORE?
For anyone guessing how many talking points about the weekend’s football are in this blog, the clue is in the headline.
Between sipping miniature coffees, Paolo Bandini knocked out a few hundred words on Napoli, Lazio and Aurelio De Laurentiis’s burning yacht in his weekly Serie A review.
Between sipping on sangria, Sid Lowe knocked out a few hundred words on Valencia and want wanting to see the back of Nuno Espírito Santo in his weekly La Liga review.
LA Galaxy supporters are learning what Liverpool and England fans realised years ago: fitting $tevie MBE into your midfield messes everything up.
Michael Cox’s big microscope o’ tactics was hovering over Southampton’s Sadio Mané on Sunday, and it highlighted a player who looks good in the No10 role.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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