MAKE THE FIVER GREAT AGAIN
You won’t believe this, reader, but the Fiver thought it knew when it had taken a gag too far, repeated it and pushed it until folks started thinking it wasn’t a joke at all but a manifestation of unspeakable dumbness and spite. Now we realise we were wrong. We now understand, long-suffering reader, that the Fiver has not been pushing its gags far enough. There is only a short step from a tasteless joke to an evil masterplan and we, the Fiver, have been guilty of a lack of ambition. Today is a time for uncomfortable truths and big ideas – big, ugly, stupid ideas – and so today the Fiver announces its intention to run for president of the universe. We can make it happen, reader, we really can. We have Purple Tin.
The first thing the Fiver will do when it’s in charge is abolish boringness. That’s easier said than done, of course, so it’s the perfect headline policy. We may nail down the nitty-gritty if and when, and it might involve banning no-news days. Such as today. As you’re probably aware, nothing of any consequence has happened anywhere in the world today, unless you include the statement from Chile’s FA that Alexis Sánchez’s injury is merely “low-grade” so he should not be out for too long – but when has downplaying an injury to a key Arsenal player been news? If it was worth talking about, Roy Keane would have already dismissed it with weary disdain.
Wayne Rooney may or may not have exhibited weary disdain when dismissing an offer to play in China earlier this season but apparently he did dismiss it, according to Luo Ning of the Chinese Super League club Beijing Guoan. “We indeed made an approach for Rooney at the beginning of the season but he’s informed us that he wants to stay in Manchester United,” sobbed Ning today before perking up, showing off his autograph book and adding: “We even met his agent!”
“Rooney says he’ll keep playing in the Premier League as long as his health allows,” concluded Ning. You see, reader, you have to have faith.
QUOTE OF THE DAY I
“I knew Trump would win” – Long accustomed to commenting on a result long after the contest has finished, Phil Neville wades into the political debate.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
FIVER LETTERS
“Oh, Fiver! How you must be rubbing your hands with glee over your success in ensnaring at least one minor pedant (yesterday’s Fiver) with your provocative “swashbuckling Liverpool” item (Monday’s Fiver). As the “better pedant” whose goading Bryan Matthews foretold, I confirm that swashbucklers do indeed swash (strike violently) their own or their opponents’ bucklers (small, round shields) rather than buckle their swashes. The Fiver got it right! Even a stopped clock and so on and so forth” – Tony Crooks.
“Actually a top pedant would not explain how any of Bryan Matthews’ cursory research has anything to do with buckling for the simple reason that it does not. The origins of the word lie in the buckler, a small shield which was strapped to one’s arm in order to keep the hand free. A swash buckler, therefore is the equivalent of the swagger stick still carried by sergeants major. Far from either buckling a swash or swashing a buckle a swashbuckling Liverpool would be wielding a swashbuckler, albeit, in accordance with Fifa rules, a metaphorical one!” – Barry Etheridge.
“Long time reader, first time writer. Re yesterday’s quote of the day where you mentioned everyone’s favourite German (as a Dutchman I have never had to put these two words together without a negative/swearword before or after) energy drink provider. Red Bull is Austrian” – Pim van Baarsen.
“Good of you to highlight the Football Weekly show starring AC Jimbo at the London Palladium in yesterday’s Fiver. By sheer co-incidence I also got an email inviting me to take part in the pre-sale for Simple Minds’ acoustic gig at the same venue in May next year. Fans of seeing once mighty + popular acts re-hashing material from the 1980’s at the Palladium really are spoilt for choice” – Ian Sargeant.
“I see the apocalypse is upon us. Quite keen to get FM 2017 before I lock the door of the bunker. When are you sending them out?” – Peter Charsley [Soon - Fiver Ed].
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Barry Etheridge, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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FOOTBALL SUPPORTERS’ FEDERATION AWARDS
The Football Supporters’ Federation have announced the shortlists for their annual awards in association with Virgin Media and, as is customary, The Fiver hasn’t been nominated in a single category. Nevertheless, we’re pleased to pretend we’re pleased that Football Weekly has been nominated for the gaudy Best Podcast bauble, Big Paper has been nominated for the Best Big Paper gong while Proper Journalists David Conn and Owen Gibson are both up for Best Writer. You know what to do – vote early and vote often in these and other categories by clicking on this link.
BITS AND BOBS
Checkatrade Trophy news I: Rochdale have named terminally ill five-year-old Joshua McCormack in their matchday squad to face Hartlepool this evening. “He has touched the hearts of everyone at Rochdale Football Club since we met him for the first time back in February,” said boss Keith Hill.
Checkatrade Trophy news II: only 308 supporters turned up at Middlesbrough last night.
Greece + arson attack on refereeing chief = no football.
Chile have been magnificently vague in declaring that Alexis Sánchez has picked up a low-grade muscle-twang on international duty. Nobody seems to know whether he’ll be fit for next Tuesday’s qualifier with Uruguay or Arsenal’s match against Manchester United a week on Saturday.
Having only scored 10 goals in the last two games, Liverpool’s lack of firepower has left Jürgen Klopp worried, so he’s put Rostov forward Sardar Azmoun on his January wishlist.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan had a dream.
Meanwhile, José Mourinho has, in true Football Manager style, has told Manchester United to do it for the fans.
Northern Ireland will wear black armbands – not poppies – against Azerbaijan on Friday. “The Irish FA is committed to marking Armistice Day with appropriate acts of remembrance,” trilled a suit.
Jonjo Shelvey has been charged with directing racially abusive language at an opponent by the Football Association.
STILL WANT MORE?
Assume you’ve got some friends, then amaze them by regurgitating the Knowledge as your own original patter. This week: matching shirt numbers and names.
Want to understand Pep Guardiola’s football? Look at Joshua Kimmich.
One for the gardeners and florists: Marina Hyde investigates the poppy.
The forgotten story of … Sam Weller Widdowson: a remarkable footballer who also played cricket for Nottinghamshire, became a referee, founded the Amateur Cup and even helped to invent shin pads.
Good old Benfica, the world’s 26th richest club, are refusing to pay Vasteras, a Swedish third division club, €250,000. Alan Smith explains why.
Two years ago, Brazil were pipped by Germany in the World Cup semi-final, and now, 28 months later, Brazil return to Belo Horizonte where they will take on an ailing Argentina. Here’s Jonathan Wilson.
Because of its passion, passion and serious passion, the Premier League is the most competitive top division in Europe. But is it really? Martin Laurence investigates.
With USA-Mexico relations at an all-time high, Saturday’s match between the two sides could not be more timely. Here’s a Joy of Six to celebrate.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
