AM-DRAM
These, reader, are puzzling times. One minute Britain is declaring that it has had enough of experts, and then the next minute it’s decided that, actually, it loves experts and can’t bear the thought of losing them from its lives, but only so long as the subject they’re expert in is baking. Celebrities fall in love, accumulate six children, hold hands a lot and then call the police on each other. Political parties that hold leadership elections don’t change their leader while parties that don’t, do. It is hard to know where we all stand. And of course, if you’re a fan of putting a bit too much whisky in your coffee, it can be hard to know how to stand as well.
Where and how Emmanuel Adebayor stands is now a topic of debate, after it was alleged that not all coaches are afforded the straight-backed sharp-saluting reverence with which he treated Tim Sherwood. Earlier this week a story was published in France that riffed along that the Togolese forward was smoking a cigarette when he turned up for recent contract discussions with Lyon suit Bruno Génésio, before demanding a wee dram in his espresso, a helicopter to bring him to training, one of the world’s most famous restaurateurs as a personal chef and a swimming pool with perfect coastal views. This satirical report was then somehow taken seriously – we’re looking at some shamelessly indiscriminate locals, too – forcing Adebayor to denounce the story, insisting he had “a perfectly amicable meeting” with Génésio in which he “only drank water” and “did not ask for whisky”, and furthermore that the original report “was meant as a joke” for which “the journalist is currently drafting an apology”.
At which point the journalist concerned, known only by his nom de plume, Tim, “denied Adebayor’s denial”. They didn’t just deny it, they denied it “vehemently, mercifully, elegantly and with transhumance”. Transhumance, for those new to the concept, refers to the seasonal movement of livestock between summer and winter pastures, and its appearance in the denial of the denial had The Fiver’s head spinning with ever greater centrifugal force, although again this could have been the whisky. “Contacted by our editorial staff, Tim was somewhat surprised to learn that he was drafting a letter of apology,” announced footballfrance.fr, who insisted that Adebayor had attempted no contact with the journalist and added that they had been in touch with the player’s lawyer, who was preparing to “release a denial denying our denial of the player’s denial”. This entire exchange has, astonishingly, been reported upon as if it were actually news.
It long ago became apparent that we are living in some bizarre, post-satirical universe. However it has only recently become apparent that a semi-humorous footballing publication can write literally anything about Emmanuel Adebayor and eventually he will personally intervene to deny it. This strikes The Fiver as the kind of entertaining game that we would very much like to play. But, out of concern for the player’s safety and sympathy for his predicament, we will not be drawn into this dispute. This is because Adebayor once disclosed to The Fiver that he was in fact made of cheese, and that what had most hindered his career was not puzzling knack-proneness and a troublingly lackadaisical attitude, but the fact he tends to melt when it’s sunny, and also suffers from a crippling phobia of eyebrows. Emmanuel, if you’re out there, the ball’s in your court.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The Einsteins need money to live, they can’t coach, they can’t sit on the bench, they can’t win matches. They can speak, they can write, they can criticise the work of other people, but I am a good man. I am good man of goodwill. I do lots of charity, I help so many people, so why not also feed the Einsteins? That’s fine” – José Mourinho, man of the people.
FOOTBALL WEEKLY LIVE!
AC Jimbo and his pod squad have been allowed to return to London’s London Palladium, and tickets are now available for their show on 15 November. Meanwhile, you can listen to the latest Football Weekly Extra pod, while we’ve also still got tickets available for Amy Lawrence’s chin-wag with Ian Wright.
FIVER LETTERS
“So Hubert O’Hearn becomes the first ever person to thank the Fiver (yesterday’s Fiver letters). After my initial reaction was a chortle, I thought about it some more. I’m sure I’m like other Fiver readers in that I like to procrastinate at work but all too often get into trouble when audible laughs sneak out while watching cat videos. The Fiver offers genuine procrastination without any of the tell-tale signs of work avoidance, such as enjoyment or laughter. With The Fiver I can avoid work for a few minutes each day while maintaining a completely bored and emotionless face. So thank you, Fiver!” – Jordan Glossop.
“Goldman Sachs have an annual reading list they supply, I assume with the intention of inspiring the next generation to [Snip – Fiver Lawyers] everything they can and [Snip, Snippety Snip – Fiver Lawyers] the economy at the first opportunity. If you take a look, there is a surprising overlap between people who enjoy both Jonathan Wilson’s expertise on football tactics and the ‘diplomacy’ of Henry Kissinger. Is there a special edition of Jonathan’s book that I missed where he discusses a need for war crimes when you just have to win Big Cup?” – Joe Gleeson.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 middle-aged, slightly overweight Fiver readers with a receding hairline, to highlight a certain Danny Rose’s statement that he will be at Tottenham until he’s an ‘old man’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). By my calculations, his contract keeps him in employment until the ripe old age of 31. If that is deemed worthy of old man status, then I’m retiring right now. How do I claim my state pension and bus pass?” – Dan Makeham (and no other middle-aged, slightly overweight others).
“Reading through old Fiver letters I had written (yes I know, don’t judge me) and I came across this one from 4 September last year: ‘As a Spurs fan I very much enjoyed yesterday’s Fiver (making it a nice change) as it raged over the many flaws of Arsenal being as Arsenal can be and what a comedy of errors they are. The only downside is to now sit through nine months of Tottenham being as only Tottenham can be and contrive to finish below them (again!) despite numerous opportunities to finally better them and end up blaming it on a dodgy lasagne or more likely this year a dodgy defensive midfielder.’ Apart from turning Eric Dier into England’s best defensive midfielder, that really was a particularly Spursy end to the season” – Graham Haslam.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Joe Gleeson. However, we will have prizes to give away each day next week, in the shape of Nige Tassell’s excellent The Bottom Corner, courtesy of the kind people at Penguin.
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BITS AND BOBS: NICK-KNACK SPECIAL
Kenny Miller. Trendy Lanarkshire foodspot. Alleged brawl. Polis.
It’s Arsenal v Chelsea this weekend. Plain Old John Terry is out! Aaron Ramsey is out!
Harry Kane’s ankle is still too jiggered for any Spurs docs to make head or tail of a scan. “The ankle is still swollen so we need to wait,” grumbled Mauricio Pochettino. “We will have another scan next week and then we can assess much better.”
Groin muscle-twinge might sound exciting, but it’s just the latest dull ache Vincent Kompany has suffered – the 30th knack for City’s captain since 2012.
Crystal Palace captain Scott Dann can kick back in his jammies, guilt-free, and get his Strictly/X-Factor double-whammy on for the next two weekends, after sustaining hamstring-twang.
And a new book has claimed that Mourinho reportedly wanted to find Arsène Wenger and “break his face” but the Frenchman, armed with a bucket of freezing cold water, isn’t rising to the bait. “I haven’t read the book,” he sniffed, missing the incident as per.
STILL WANT MORE?
Michael Butler’s Joy of Six on footballers who jacked it in while they were in their 20s is well worth four minutes and two seconds of your time. But if you have the attention span of a young chimpanzee, just make sure you read the David Bentley bit.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one … blast off!
If floating football brain in a box, Jonathan Wilson, reckons José Mourinho is not the swaggering young gunslinger radiating vigour and upsetting the established order any more, then The Fiver is inclined to agree.
How should Manchester United and Stoke fans make their feelings known on the subjects of Wayne Rooney and Ailsa from Home and Away’s woes? Via the medium of colour-coded hankies of course, sobs Paul Doyle.
And it’s Star Wars night in the Bronx, whoop Luis Miguel Echegaray and Tim Hill in this week’s soccerball preview.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
