I've just seen something so shocking on the television that I must speak out. Admittedly I was on Channel 5, but believe it or not I was searching for Newsnight. What I think held me on the T and A channel for more than a split second was a shot of Lindsay Lohan's nipples, highlighted by flashing graphics, followed by a clip of Britney Spears effing and blinding. The programme was called Celebrities Uncensored and was presented by two fast-mouthed beery swines, no different from the usual dross of late night entertainment presenters.
However, there was something strangely familiar about this pair. It took me a while to make the connection, but then it hit me; and if this wonderful piece of investigative blognalism is not written in my usual measured style, here's why. Parents, be prepared for a shock. Celebrities Uncensored is presented by Big Cook and Little Cook from CBeebies, my child's favourite show (and mine, because I can sneak off for a fag outside, or read the paper when they're on).
How is this possible? How are they allowed to do it? Does the BBC know? Perhaps they consider it breaking out from the ghetto of early morning television, but to this? Did Floella Benjamin ever get raunchy after the watershed? By the time I'd grown out of Playaway, I fervently wished that Toni Arthur would, but really? No wonder we're bottom of the international be nice to kids league.
Of course, Linda Barron was the lust interest in several seventies and eighties comedies before earning a crust as Auntie Mabel in Come Outside, piloting a dog called Pippin around the country. In a Damien Hirst style polka-dot aeroplane she investigated how bread is made and sewage farms work, so she did that career trajectory the other way round.
I thought that the people who presented these fantastic wholesome slices of pre-school entertainment had a vocation; that bringing joy and wonder to our precious youngsters - while we, as I said, slink off for a fag - was their life. I thought I was cynical, but this is taking things too far. Big Cook and Little Cook are supposed to sing songs, make buns and get messy with flour, not crack jokes about famous people's private parts. What if they got the two shows mixed up?
Well, next time I watch the degenerate duo whipping something up in the CBeebies kitchen, I'll be checking most carefully to see that they wash their hands.
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