Dilyn’s cute new jumpers? Check! My sustainable campaign-wear (three sets)? Check! Cue a super week supporting our incredible women candidates (or “double-breasted Amazons” according to guess who!) to show people that Getting Women Done is absolutely our 17th highest priority for 2023! Bozzie is right, never trust Northerners because my reception on the doorstep has been super, I literally lost count of the people who wanted to hear more about Mr Corbyn’s onanism! Happy to help until someone says it is not the same as communism.
Text Bozzie to explain, he says not now, he’s literally up to his neck in stormwater like the drowning Leander. Me: “Right just like last week you foul liar.” Still, Stanley picks up.
Stanley: “Onanism? Oh lor’, crumbs, oh gawd, dear girl, I can’t… um, does the word ‘spaffing’ ring any bells?”
Me: “Vaguely. Is it waste-related?”
Stanley: “Clever girl! On behalf of my son the PM, let me add that this sterile activity is one to which male members of the genus Johnson, as sticklers for conservation, will only resort in absolute extremis, do I make myself clear old girl? Yes, Dom is still deeply sedated, no, regarding my son the PM’s whereabouts mum’s the word, yes he is safe, though my son the PM did mention a near miss with some labouring women, straight out of Victor Hugo, but that’s Yorkshire for you – now if it’s no trouble would you pick up more anti-fungal it’s the old big toe ag– ”
Hang up in a state of shock. I’ve remembered I have a job! Quickly download a turtle – terrapin? – whatever, picture, write “Save the oceans – say no to spaffing!”, and tweet: 153,000 likes!
As told to Catherine Bennett
