Full time: Arsenal 0-3 Chelsea
Peep peep! That’s a good win for Chelsea, with Willian and Cesc Fabregas looking really sharp and Michy Batshuayi scoring two cracking goals. Arsenal were rusty, and Arsene Wenger is a lucky man if he survives this defeat. Thanks for your company, bye!
90+4 min Baker’s free-kick is ostentatiously saved by the flying Martinez, and that’s it.
90+3 min Koscielny compounds his own error by hoofing Baker up in the air on the edge of the box. A free-kick for Chelsea, 20 yards from goal, and it’ll probably be the final kick of the game...
90 min “As an Arsenal fan, I’m quite happy to see how well Chelsea’s young ones are doing,” says Anmol Soin. “This is the only football they get to play outside of Vitesse. Very proud.”
88 min This is Arsenal’s best spell of the match. Yes, I am conscious of how ridiculous that statement sounds when they are 3-0 down in a pre-season friendly.
86 min Malen smashes a shot off the outside of the post after a very good run from Nelson.
84 min Giroud has looked pretty sharp for Arsenal, more so than Lacazette, though he received nothing resembling decent service.
81 min “Hey Rob,” says JR in Illinois. “You should just stick around and MBM the Liverpool-Leicester game which has just gone to halftime. Alberto Moreno came on a few minutes ago. I hadn’t realised how much I missed his absurd, massive thigh tattoo of a monkey wearing a suit and headphones and holding a gun until just now.”
I had no idea Alberto Moreno was still a thing.
80 min The game is petering out. Chelsea have a lot of youngsters on now.
77 min “Geese,” says Matt Emerson. “They’re all geese.”
75 min Baker hares away from Kolasinac, who throws him to the ground and is booked. He’ll pick up a few cards this season. There’s an endearingly oafish element to his defending.
73 min Fabregas has had a fine game. He drills another lovely crossfield pass, left to right, that is taken beautifully in his stride by Tomori. He surges away from Iwobi drives a low shot that is kicked away by Ospina.
68 min Substitutions galore. No, I’m not going to list them all, because I can’t keep track of them all. I do know that the Man of the Match Willian has gone off. He has looked so sharp today; it’s nice to see after a difficult 2016-17 season.
66 min Alonso’s cross reaches the other wing-back Moses, who chests it down and hits a shot that is blocked by Kolasinac. Crikey, he’s a unit.
63 min David Luiz drives another brilliant ball from back to front, down the inside-right channel. Willian beats Elneny to it and rattles a fierce half-volley that is excellently saved by the diving Ospina.
Updated
62 min Ozil plays another beautiful, insouciant pass to put Giroud clear of the defence. He faffs and is crowded out.
61 min Giroud stabs a cross too close to the substitute keeper Willy Caballero.
60 min Here’s Charles Antaki. “The good thing about the officials letting on Olivier Giroud, even though he’s not on the team sheet, is that it sets a precedent for Wenger to also send on Vic Akers, Steve Bould, Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith and three Chinese ballboys. That will explain away the upcoming 8-0 debâcle.”
58 min After all kinds of faffing over whether the wall is 10 yards, Giroud smashes a low free-kick into that wall. Arsenal keep the ball alive and Ramsey fresh-airs a decent chance from Ozil’s precise square pass; Giroud stabs the ball back to Coquelin, who slashes a first-time shot just over the bar from 20 yards.
55 min Welbeck is fouled by David Luiz a couple of millimetres outside the box. Arsenal have a free-kick in the D...
54 min Batshuayi fouls the substitute Elneny, who waves an imaginary card at the referee. That’s the pre-season spirit!
50 min “I’m sure you’re right about Chelsea having more desire (most Arsenal players only really want more followers on “Insta” these days) but are they not fielding more like a 1st team?” says Brendan O’Sullivan.
Yes, that’s true, although six or seven of Arsenal’s best XI – if such a thing exists any more - started the game.
GOAL! Arsenal 0-3 Chelsea (Batshuayi 49)
This is another cracking goal from Batshuayi. Fabregas drove a superb crossfield pass to Alonso, who beat Oxlade-Chamberlain with ease and clipped the ball back to the edge of the area. It was perfectly weighted for Bathshuayi to hit first time, and he crashed it into the roof of the net with his left foot.
Updated
48 min Ramsey curls a fine pass over the defence for Giroud, who just fails to connect with an attempted volley on the stretch. As Matthew Upson says on ITV, he should probably have gone for a Keith Houchen rather than an acrobatic volley.
47 min “I take it that spoons are the only cutlery available in the ironic pie shop,” says David Wall, “when all you need is a knife.”
No cutlery. All you’re allowed to use is your face.
46 min Eventually Olivier Giroud is allowed to come on and Arsenal begin the second half. There have been a load of substitutions, and I’ve lost track of them already. Sorry.
Updated
Friendly farce Arsenal want to bring on Olivier Giroud. He’s not on the official teamsheet, however, so the officials won’t allow him onto the pitch. This is hilarious. Arsene Wenger is about to pay tribute to Jack Charlton and John Aldridge at USA 94.
Updated
Half time: Arsenal 0-2 Chelsea
That’s half time. Chelsea have wanted it a lot more than Arsenal, which is a slightly confusing thing to say about a pre-season game, and the result reflects that. See both of you in 10 minutes for the second half.
45+3 min Courtois makes an excellent save from Ramsey, who chested down an imaginative curling pass from Oxlade-Chamberlain and blasted a half-volley at goal from a tight angle. Courtois reacted smartly to push it behind.
44 min Some of Arsenal’s defending today has been on the inadequate side of crap. Sad to say, a lot of the poor play has been from the young kids Bramall and Maitland-Niles.
43 min “Hi Rob,” says Ravi Raman. “What’s an ironic pie shop? Is it an ironic shop selling pies or are the pies themselves ironic? Would be great if you can clear that up.”
The lovely thing about the ironic pie revolution is that it really is whatever you want it to be.
GOAL! Arsenal 0-2 Chelsea (Batshuayi 42)
Two goals in 90 seconds for Chelsea. Kante plays a short pass to Batshuayi just outside the area; he loses the wrongfooted Mertesacker and curls an emphatic left-footed shot into the far corner. That was a great finish.
GOAL! Arsenal 0-1 Chelsea (Willian 40)
Chelsea deserve to be ahead, and now they are. Batshuayi does well to find Willian, who makes a good angled run from right to left. He gets into the box, comes back inside Monreal onto his right foot and curls a low shot into the net off the far post.
39 min Batshuayi drags an optimistic long-range shot well wide. You can feel his desperation to score.
36 min “Re: 23 minutes, can a side that switches between three- and four-man defences ever be as reliable, and successful, as one that picks an approach and sticks with it, backing their own ability and challenging the opposition to deal with the problems they are setting, rather than the other way round?” says David Wall. “As with haircuts, long or short, you’ve got to make a decision.”
I think you need more flexibility when you are working with such a big squad. My rule with this stuff is: what did Fergie do? He rotated more than anyone in the game, though he stuck to a back four almost all of the time. He also neutralised the opposition where necessary – for eg Park marking Pirlo so effectively in 2009-10. I agree that regularly switching from three to four isn’t ideal but it’s not as big a deal as it would have been in the days before rotation.
Updated
35 min Batshuayi has a goal wrongly disallowed for offside. Chelsea took a short corner, with Fabregas’s cross volleyed in from close range by Batshuayi. I think it was Fabregas who was given offside when the corner was returned to him. Either way, it was the wrong decision. They’ll be talking about that one for minutes.
34 min Ospina makes a good double save from Willian and Moses. Willian ran straight through the defence, nutmegging Monreal in the process, and rattled a shot that was beaten away. Moses - who last stopped running in June 2016 - follows up with a fierce rising drive that is superbly tipped over the bar.
31 min “Good to see a showroom car being displayed at the side of the pitch,” says Charles Antaki. “Always a clear sign that nothing important is happening. Also, there is that anticipation that a wayward shot will hit it and send a windscreen wiper flying. As Alex Iwobi is playing, the chances aren’t bad.”
You jest, but I give it five years – tops – before one of the big clubs move to a new stadium that includes a car showroom, a pop-up Gucci shop and an ironic pie shop.
28 min Pedro is taken off, presumably because of concussion, with Jeremie Boga replacing him.
25 min David Luiz drills a flat long pass over the defence for Pedro. Ospina comes to the edge of his area to clear with a flying punch, and clatters Pedro in the process. The referee gives a free-kick against Pedro, presumably for standing in the way of Ospina’s fist. That looked really nasty, especially as Pedro then landed on his face. Pedro seems okay, if extremely groggy.
23 min Most of this season’s title contenders will play three at the back at some stage, if not regularly. It’s interesting how cyclical tactics are. Three at the back is the mullet of football formations; just when you think you’ve finally seen the last of the bugger, some smartarse brings it back into fashion.
22 min Ozil plays a brilliant disguised pass to meet the late run of Ramsey, who stabs the ball wide on the stretch. That was beautiful from Ozil, such a gentle thrust of the dagger that Chelsea didn’t feel a thing.
20 min Batshuayi saunters forward from the halfway line and drills a decent low shot from 25 yards that is comfortably saved by Cech Ospina.
Updated
18 min Chelsea continue to play with greater intensity, though whether that’s a good thing is open to debate. It’s a long season ahead and all that. I suppose Antonio Conte teams don’t really have a first gear.
15 min “This pitch is laughably awful,” laughs David Wall, “with big chunks flying out of it after only five minutes, but is there any sensible reason why it is like that (and why it’s often similar when matches are played in what are normally athletics stadiums)? Isn’t the Birds’ Nest still used for athletics, so it would have a grass infield most of the time for the throwing events? I can’t imagine they need to relay the turf just to repair a few divots from the shot put, so why can’t they just put the football markings on the settled field?”
I have very little idea, though it was an issue a year ago as well when the cancelled the Manchester derby.
12 min Lacazette watch: he hasn’t seen much of the ball.
10 min Moses curls a superb cross in between the keeper and defenders; alas, Batshuayi was having a daydream and didn’t react.
8 min Chelsea look much hungrier at the moment, whatever that means. These two, as you probably know, meet again in the Community Shield in two weeks’ time.
7 min Willian pounces on a sloppy touch from Maitland-Niles, scoots towards goal and drives just wide of the far post. He should have scored.
6 min The pitch is living down to expectations. It’s bobbly and awkward, as shown when Bramall runs the ball out of play.
5 min “Wycliffe,” is the subject of Martin McKeefry’s email. “I can’t help feeling that a meaningless pre-season friendly in China counts as a murder somehow. The cold dead body of football is discovered...”
And the police have already whittled the list of suspects down to 921,541 people who were found with blood on their hands.
3 min An early chance for Chelsea, with Moses running through on goal from Fabregas’s excellent pass. There is nobody close enough for him to dive, so he shoots instead. It’s a fairly tame effort and Ospina saves.
Updated
3 min “Afternoon Rob,” says Matt Emerson. “We’re in Ko Samui and I’ll soon be heading out to the nearest sports bar with The Lad to watch the match. That’s somewhat irrelevant detail, but I just wanted to make people jealous. I used to have a share in a flat racehorse and we went to the stables in early Spring to see how it was developing prior to its maiden race. As the string of two-year-olds went up the gallops the trainer turned and said ‘I love this time of year, all our geese are swans right now.’ And that is pre-season as a football supporter in a sentence.”
That’s nice, and particularly of our relationship with new signings. I’ll never forget how good Bebe was in my head.
2 min A fast start from Chelsea, with a couple of corners. Willian makes a mess of the second, curling it out of play.
1 min Peep peep! Chelsea kick off from left to right. They are in blue; Arsenal are in red.
Updated
“Wot?” sniffs Mike. “No Leicester v Liverpool MBM? At least that’s for an actually tin pot cup.”
Erm, dunno. I’m not passing the buck, it was somebody else’s decision!
Updated
When we write the Joy of Six: pre-season friendly moments, this will be entry No1. I mean really, look at the nonchalant state of this.
Sadly there’s no footage of Steve Davies’s West Ham debut, or young St Mirren manager Alex Ferguson bringing himself out of retirement to exact revenge on a Guyanese centre-half. “That big bastard’s taking liberties!” concluded Ferguson, who took a couple of his own in return was sent off.
I digress. Any favourite pre-season memories?
Pre-match nostalgia
Team news
Arsenal (3-4-2-1) Ospina; Maitland-Niles, Mertesacker, Monreal; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ramsey, Xhaka, Bramall; Ozil, Iwobi; Lacazette.
Chelsea (3-4-2-1) Courtois; Azpilicueta, David Luiz, Cahill; Moses, Kante, Fabregas, Alonso; Willian, Pedro; Batshuayi.
Preamble
Hello madam, hello sir. July is the happiest month to be a football supporter. There’s no real football, but that’s kind of the point. Your team’s record signing is yet to banjax a penalty into Row FFS; nobody has stomped down the tunnel after a frustrating 1-1 draw at home to West Brom; no one on TV is using the phrase “on social media” as if they are about to discuss the grave findings of a year-long judicial review into historic corruption.
It’s the time when hope and optimism replace mope and cynicism. Today, Arsenal and Chelsea both continuing preparations for their title-winning 2017-18 campaigns, and whatever happens in the next few hours won’t change that. The best and worst thing about this match is that it means absolutely nothing. Enjoy it, because soon things will get very, very, very, very important - and not just when we look at what people are saying on social media.
Kick off is at 12.40pm BST. If you’re in the UK, it’s on ITV1, which means Wycliffe has been bumped to ITV3. Shame, as it looks a good one:
A dark family secret comes to light when a girl deliberately runs over a woman on a pedestrian crossing, and the result of an internal inquiry board is revealed.
I might MBM that instead. There are no pre-season cases for poor old Wycliffe, no friendly murders. They all count.
Updated
