Any old how, football is back - football was back on Friday - but more football is back today - so let’s spend the next nine months luxuriating in that because what else are we doing?
Enjoy the rest of your weekends!
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So there we are. Arsenal carry the momentum with which they finished last season into this one - this one! Yes! - while Chelsea have points to ponder. Of course, none of this exactly means anything, but confidence is important, and Arsenal have it. Chelsea do as well - we saw that in the second half - but their manager is unhappy and the players will know that, and know why.
Courtois and Morata look decidedly peaky, and Conte isn’t exactly chuffed neither. His directors might just be hearing from him in the morning.
ARSENAL WIN THE COMMUNITY SHIELD 4-1 ON PENALTIES!
Glory glory Olivier Giroud! Etcetera! He smacks a left-footer into the right corner, and Arsenal have won! They enjoy the moment too!
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Oxlade-Chamberlain sidefoot low and hard, into the bottom right and Courtois dives the other way. If Giroud scores Arsenal win! Chelsea 1-3 Arsenal.
Morata ambles to the ball and drags a shot wide across goal! Chelsea 1-2 Arsenal.
Courtois is up! Who does he think he is, Kevin Pressman? He smashes over the bar! Who thought that was a good idea? Chelsea 1-2 Arsenal.
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Monreal sees Courtois dive to his left, so curls the other way. Chelsea 1-2 Arsenal.
Walcott opens his body and sidefoots into the corner halfway up. Chelsea 1-1 Arsenal.
Cech dives one way, Cahill drills high the other. 1-0 Chelsea.
At the Arsenal end ... Chelsea must’ve won that toss too. Oh ho ho.
Here comes Gary Cahill...
The format to this shoot-out will be like a tennis tiebreak: A BB A. I don’t really get this, I must say: penalties were fine as they were, and the more pressure the merrier. Just win the toss and go first.
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“Have you seen this?” asks Alan Baverstock. I have now, and it’s very nice, though not sure how telling.
😱😱😱
— Arsenal FC (@Arsenal) August 3, 2017
This @ReissNelson9 goal just gets better and better pic.twitter.com/fcJbw0EG9R
Chelsea were sauntering to victory until that Pedro red card. I’d still back them to get it did, but for no real reason.
Full-time: Arsenal 1-1 Chelsea
Penalties it is.
90+3 min Walcott finds himself in space down the right and drives at the box, taking a yard off Azpilicueta only for Cahill to wear his shot. Good defending, that.
90+2 min Morata, head still tinged red, wins a free-kick at inside-right which Fabregas curls in ... and he’s up first to it, heading wide. Good chance, not such a good miss.
90 min There’ll be five minutes of added time.
89 min “Martin Tyler has said that Pedro will be suspended,” corrects JR in Illinois. “He said there’s no suspension for two yellows but there is for a straight red. Then again he also said there was no contact when Willian got tripped in the box in the first half so he may not know what the hell he’s talking about.”
I’m just quoting Ian Darke, who delivered this news with consummate confidence. Can’t trust anyone these days, but I know who I’m backing here, and it’s not the bloke who used to do the boxing on the wireless.
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88 min Reece Nelson, who’s had a fine pre-season, replaces Welbeck before he can endanger any low-flying aircraft with his inevitable botched penalty.
87 min Back to that red card, LBM could easily have got away without showing it, but given that he did, it’s not easy to argue that he shouldn’t have.
85 min We could happily bin coverage of the match and focus on Antonio Conte, who is doing his best air traffic controller from Jimbo and the Jet-Set impression.
84 min Arsenal are going to have a lot of fun with Kolasinac. His first touch tends towards the avant-garde, but he is both terrifying and full of conviction, a heady mix.
83 min Musonda replaces Willian.
GOAL! Arsenal 1-1 Chelsea (Kolasinac, 83)
Chelsea have had better minutes. Xhaka curls in a lovely ball, Fabregas is playing everyone onside, and Kolasinac guides a musclebound header back across Courtois!
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RED CARD! PEDRO IS SENT-OFF!
He slides in late on Elneny, catching him on the Achilles with his studs, and after he lays on the floor to hide, LBM sends him off! He is not suspended next week; he was about to be subbed.
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79 min Rudiger replaces Alonso. He seems to be playing at the back, with Azpilcueta moving to wing-back.
78 min Nice from Willian, running with the ball at inside-left and using the outside of his right foot to curl lovely ball in behind the Arsenal defence for Morata, on the opposite size. He’s on his heels but, and by the time he stretches all he can do is poke wide.
76 min Hello! Holding finds Xhaka who, from 30 yards, uses his studs to roll to ball onto his left foot and then wipes the aforementioned across the aforementioned ... it’s whizzing towards the top-left corner ... but Courtois has adjusted just in time, and flies across his goal to palm behind. The corner comes to nowt.
75 min Nice from Oxlade-Chamberlain, wh finds Bellerin, who finds Walcott. He expertly locates a blind alley and rushes through it at speed.
74 min Morata replaces Batschuayi, who’s done the square root of sod-all. He’s very handsome indeed.
72 min Luiz fouls Giroud in the centre-circle as Morata - by now Moratz, I trust - receives his instructions.: “Put the ball into the goal” and suchlike.
71 min Kolasinac flattens Moses. He is bursting out of his top.
69 min Fabregas into Pedro ... whack! Kolasinac thuds through the back of him in slapstick manner, then tells the ref he didn’t do anything. Free-kick, 30 yards out, just right of centre ... which Luiz lifts over the wall to no avail.
68 min I’m probably wrong, but I reckon those subs will clinch this match for Chelsea.
66 min Moses is penalised for foul-throwing - how old is he? - and Giroud replaces Lacazette. I don’t know, a goal down, maybe use both together? Anyway, Wenger reckons not, and also throws on Walcott for Iwobi.
64 min I said Welbeck was playing well and he is, but he’s got nowt to show for it, as he does. Oxlade-Chamberlain slips a pass into him down the left side of the box and he might hit it first time but instead takes a touch, looking to open his body and shoot with his right, by which time Luiz is in amongst him and the chance vanishes.
63 min Love this.
My mom explaining how to pronounce @alexiwobi's name pic.twitter.com/TFt3H2CpEE
— Zito (@_Zeets) August 6, 2017
61 min Arsenal are coming into this again, and Oxlade-Chamberlain cuts back to Iwobi, just outside the box. He should should with his right foot, but given a ball just behind him, he checks to use his left whereupon the angle vanishes. So he bungles a ball to Elneny and the flag goes up.
59 min Bellerin crosses from the right - dangerously - but Chelsea clear. Except Elneny turns up in a similar position and looks to attempt the same thing - perhaps he does - but Courtois is off his line and he strikes across the ball, hard, turning it into a shot; Courtois does really well to get behind it and punch away.
58 min To be clear, it is never ok to use the word “commence”, a staple of synagogue announcements. Other words one must not use: colleague, pleasant, naff.
58 min Both are now ok and the game recommences.
56 min Cahill and Luiz leap for a high ball and clash faces. There’s a pause.
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55 min If you’re offside you’re offside. Or should be.
Victor Moses hands Chelsea the lead in the Community Shield vs. Arsenal toe-poking home inside the box.
— BT Sport Football (@btsportfootball) August 6, 2017
Game on 👊 pic.twitter.com/XDpUhNMBdW
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54 min Chelsea are looking confident, moving the ball with purpose and pinning Arsenal back. They don’t, however, look secure at the back, and Arsenal are finding space behind their midfield too - right where you used to find Nemanja Matic.
53 min Pedro slides in late on Xhaka, who can barely believe the effrontery.
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50 min First flash of Arsenal this half, Welbeck - who’s been excellent - spreading play to Bellerin. His cross misses everyone and ends up with Elneny just outside the box. He shoots immediately, but slices a poor effort wide.
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49 min Arsenal don’t pay attention when Chelsea win another corner so Fabregas goes short to Pedro, collects the return pass, and flips into the middle. Mertesacker averts the immediate danger, and Batschuayi’s volley, hooked from an unfavourable position, is straight at Cech.
48 min Hopefully things will now improve.
GOAL! Arsenal 0-1 Chelsea (Moses 46)
Chelsea win a corner down the right which misses the men on the front post, whereupon Kolasinac kolasinacs it up in the air. Eventually it comes down and Cahill wins a huge header on the edge of the box, putting the ball in between back line and keeper. Batschuayi is offside, but he’s nowhere near, so Moses charges in, gathers on his chest, delivers into his stride, and smashes past Cech.
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46 min Should the game finish in a draw, we go straight to penalties with no extra-time. Thank goodness for that.
46 min Arsenal set the second half away.
Out come the players for the second half.
“I just feel compelled to say that M-Clatz - that lad of lads; that most treasured of British footballing exports - sounds absolutely nothing like I expected him to,” laments Matt Loten. “I was ready for laid-back, confident, banterrific analysis full of anecdotes about painting the town red with his mates Wazza and JT. Reality is always so underwhelming.”
Any excuse: this, from Jeff Winter’s Bone’s autobiograhpy.
Half-time: Arsenal 0-0 Chelsea
Seen better, seen worse. Arsenal look confident and smooth, certainly good enough to blitz their early season opposition before doing their usual. Chelsea have been ok.
45+2 min Make up your own minds.
Controversy 👀
— BT Sport Football (@btsportfootball) August 6, 2017
Willian booked for diving after going down in the penalty area pic.twitter.com/SDgSDkYYvJ
45 min There shall be three added minutes.
44 min Oxlade-Chamberlain zones down the left and slips a pass inside for Iwobi who shifts his weight beautifully, allowing the ball across his body before turning and backheeling himself through the gap between Fabregas and Azpilicueta. He shoots low with his instep, but can get neither power nor direction to trouble Courtois.
43 min David Luiz is the funnest defender in football: discuss.
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42 min Highlight of the match so far; this is brrrrrilliant from David Luiz! He beats Welbeck to the ball inside his own box, flicks it over both their heads, turns, and backheads back to Courtois. Lovely tackle.
41 min Kolasinac galumphs forward with the ball, daring the Chelsea team to get in the road. They do not, but they don’t need to because he makes a mess of a simple pass to Oxlade-Chamberlain outside him.
39 min Someone is getting sent-off here, hopefully for the kind of behaviour which NO ONE likes to see. There’s no needle quite yet, but the bookings are totting up and with them the sense of injustice.
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38 min “An excellent decision,” says Mark Clattenburg in his truck.
37 min Oh really! A poor touch from Bellerin allows Willian to nick the ball off him down the left of the box. He then trips himself by kicking his own calf; the question is whether there was a touch from Bellerin which forced that. Yes there was! Bellerin knees his foot, but Willian is booked anyway, and no penalty is awarded.
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36 min Alonso is booked for getting in Bellerin’s road.
35 min No it hasn’t! A lovely crossfield ball from Willian finds Pedro driving at Holding. He shapes to go inside, even opening his body, then ducks outside, and hammers a left-footer which Cech punches away.
34 min The game has gone a little quiet.
33 min On comes Kolasinac. He’s on the left of the back-three, with Monreal in the centre. If I was Conte which, for the avoidance of doubt I’m not, I’d be getting Morata a look at that as soon as possible.
32 min We proceed without Mertesacker. Incidentally, Kolasinac looks like he wrestles crocodiles.
30 min Kolasinac is readying himself. For Uriah’s Only.
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27 min Moses nips down the side of Oxlade-Chamberlain, so Bitesyerlegs Welbeck charges in and nails him with a slide-tackle; corner. In it comes, and Cahill gets himself a running jump on Mertesacker, imparting forearm coupon at the same time. Ouch. There’s bare claret, so on come the physios to treat him.
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26 min Lacazette sneaks up behind Alonso - whose barnet now matches his Marcos A high school shirtname - and steals possession. So Alonso scythes him down because he didn’t even ask to be born did he, but avoids a booking.
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24 min Lacazette feeds Oxlade-Chamberlain who sticks the ball into space Moses ... and Moses shuts the door on him.
22 min Lacazette curls one against the post! He leads a break and finds Welbeck, who squares to new kid, 15 yards out. In front of him is Cahill, who shows the ball his buttocks as it’s in the process of being bent around him only for it to cannon the bottom of the upright!
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22 min Alonso finds himself on the ball and with time and space, so measures a cross which Mertesacker heads away.
21 min Gradually, Chelsea are feeling their way into this.
18 min Earlier, I talked about football as a conduit for things that are ridiculous. Feel free to share the most ridiculous football-related thing you’ve ever done or seen.
One from my own book of chronicles: In the summer of 1995 I decided to go on the beach, in Israel, in August, with no suncream on. This was because I’d put plasters on my chest in the shape of a 7, as an homage to Eric Cantona. It worked, but my days did it hurt.
17 min Lacazette chases down Luiz, forcing him to pass back to Courtois from short range. Chelsea get the ball away but the incident is indicative of how things are going.
16 min Alonso flicks a ball around the corner just before Bellerin arrives and takes him down. Though he got there as fast as he could, the referee books him.
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15 min I’m not sure Batshuayi has had a touch yet.
13 min Chelsea attack and Arsenal break, Azpilicueta dwelling on the ball - not sensible with Welbeck around. Whatever his shortcomings, he’s brilliant at quickening the game up and he bursts through yerman, who pulls him down; booking.
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11 min Fabregas hits a long, er, diag, looking for Alonso. He catches up with it and turns, winning a throw high up the pitch. Chelsea use the opportunity to enjoy some possession.
9 min Iwobi, who had a sketchy end to last season but remains a serious talent, looks really sharp. Coming in off the right, he nips a pass into Elneny, collects the return and bursts towards the line, whereupon he runs out of pitch.
8 min This is all Arsenal! Xhaka picks up possession 30 or so yards from goal and lifts a delectable pass into the box where Welbeck has stolen a march on Azpilicueta. But he can’t quite get his body position right, so has no choice but to guide his header into the arms of Courtois.
7 min Oxlade-Chamberlina makes ground down the left and sneaks a pass inside for Iwobi - the benefits of 3-4-2-1, not 3-4-3 - and Iwobi absolutely chrrrrrinses - Luiz on the outside. With Lacazette tearing into the six-yard box, he squares low, but can’t quite pick him out. Chelsea haven’t started yet.
6 min Cheap gag dept:
🏉 meets ⚽️@EnglandRugby head coach Eddie Jones visits @WBA to see how Tony Pulis operates ➡️ https://t.co/hq840yaLYk pic.twitter.com/XigVK9uLkt
— Premier League (@premierleague) August 6, 2017
5 min But Elneny sets Arsenal away down the left, and eventually the ball turns up on the opposite flank where Bellerin tries a hard, low cross. But no one gambles at the near post and Courtois collects easily enough.
4 min Arsenal look more confident than Chelsea in the early skirmishes, playing with passion as opposed to patience. I appear to have turned into Stuart Pearce.
2 min Oxlade-Chamberlain, for who this is a huge season, looks to slot Lacazette through; Luiz inserts himself between man and ball to avert the immediate danger. But Arsenal maintain pressure, stretching the play, before Xhaka hoofs wide.
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1 min Talking of Clatts, he’s replaced Howard Webb in BT’s ref’s truck, to the thrill of us all.
1 min “Clats on a Hot Tin Roof?” emails Michael Hunt, echoing the old what do you get if you cross the king of the world with a play joke - answer: Cantona Hot Tin Roof.
1 min We’re away!
After a minute’s silence, we’re good to go. Text Grenfell to 7007 to help the appeal.
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Wreaths are laid in memory of those who died in the Grenfell Tower disaster.
First Steve McManaman of the new season. Scrub that preamble.
The national anthem has been sung. Imagine if...
“Magic Mike Dean” says Rivka Oppenheim, apropos of something I hope.
In other news, Gianfranco Zola is wearing a baseball hat with his syoot. My thoughts are with you all at this sad time.
Bob Wilson is a guest of honour, which is nice to see. By absolutely every single account, one of football’s most menschdike menschen.
The players are tunnelled ... “this is not a friendly, this is important,” Jake Humphrey says hopefully. Out they come!
People in uniform are carrying the trophies - league, Cup and Moyesie’s shield - onto the pitch. They wave to the crowd, who will tell their grandchildren about this moment.
Lampard reckons Costa is annoyed that he hasn’t been bought more players. He’s also surprised that Matic was sold, as is Gerrard.
Antonio Conte, who really doesn’t seem very happy, says that Morata needs some time to understand how Chelsea play. I wonder about that; it didn’t bother Ruud van Nistelrooy much, or Sergio Aguero. Strikers need confidence and goals, and anyway, how many MBMs has Conte ever written? Exactly.
“The Rime Of The Ancient Andre Marriner; Howard Webb Of Lies; Roger East Of Eden; Tinker Anthony Taylor Spy,” tweets William Hargreaves.
The Tao Of Steve Bennett.
So much Arsenal in so little space.
Not in today's squad but here at @wembleystadium to support the lads 👊#WeAreTheArsenal 🔴 pic.twitter.com/DLHi9Nu2Dp
— Arsenal FC (@Arsenal) August 6, 2017
“Has Santi Carzola retired or is he just grazing in a field somewhere?” asks Ian Copestake. “He seems to be regarded as Arsenal’s most talented player by the players themselves but I wonder if he will reemerge any time soon.”
It’s tricky - the injuries he’s had, at his age, make it unlikely they’ll ever rely on him, all the more so given they way they now line up. But to have him as an option would be very handy indeed.
A player I’m looking forward to watching this season: Granit Xhaka. It seemed for much of last season that Arsene Wenger wasn’t quite sure what he’d bought and how to use him, nor did he trust him. But he was key - geddit? - to Arsenal’s useful late-season run and his ability to find penetrating and perceptive passes were accentuated by Ramsey’s direct running and terrifying stamina.
“Truly, Madley, Bobby,” tweets Jared. Do send in your referee-themed films to the address above.
Roger Milford Wives, for example.
Manchester City clearly have the best and most attacking options; the question is whether or not the middle of their defence can wear them. Chelsea have to hope Morata scores as many as goals as Diego Costa, and such opportune moments, too. They also need to find another way or two of playing, to do without Eden Hazard for a bit, and to handle European football. Manchester United need to score enough goals; Romelu Lukaku will replace Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s contribution, more or less, but the rest of the team have plenty more to do too. Liverpool need to defend properly and find a way of beating teams who defend properly. Arsenal need to not be Arsenal.
I’ve no idea.
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“Frank” thinks Chelsea will win the league and Manchester City will come second; of course he does! “Steven” thinks Manchester City will win the league, and Liverpool will come second; of course he does!
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So both teams are configured as expected; Chelsea continue with the formation which befuddled more or less everyone for most of last season, and Arsenal continue with the formation which saved them from befuddlement at the end of last season.
In terms of personnel, Tiemoue Bakayoko is injured so Cesc Fabregas has himself Nemanaja Matic’s spot, while Antonio Rudiger and Alvaro Morata start on the bench. Pah.
Arsenal, meanwhile are without Laurent Koscielny who is suspended for the first two games of the season; Aaron Ramsey is, I assume injured; Mesut Ozil definitely is; and Alexis Sanchez isn’t ready. Sead Kolasinac, though he’ll eventually have that slot at left-wing-back, is on the bench because Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Hector Bellerin have earned their spots, while Alexandre Lacazette starts.
Lovers and leavers
Chelsea (the 3-4-2-1): Courtois; Azpilicueta, David Luiz, Cahill (c); Moses, Fabregas, Kante, Alonso; Willian, Pedro; Batshuayi. Subs: Caballero, Rudiger, Christensen, Scott, Boga, Musonda, Morata.
Arsenal (a 3-4-2-1): Cech; Holding, Mertesacker, Monreal; Bellerin, Elneny, Xhaka, Oxlade-Chamberlain; Iwobi, Welbeck; Lacazette. Subs: Ospina, Kolasinac, Willock, Nelson, Maitland-Niles, Walcott, Giroud.
Person who sounds like a nursery rhyme character: Little Bobby Madley (Wakefield)
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Preamble
We spend a lot of time complaining about the things we love most: our parents, our siblings, our spouses, our children
, our jobs
- and our football. Mainly, this is because we are fickle ingrates who can’t even grasp ourselves let alone anything else, but partly, this is because we are right.
Constraints of space make it impossible to deconstruct everyone’s nearest and dearest at this time – apologies – so football must bear the chris brunt. Awash with questionable money and adulterated motive, it is too expensive to watch in person, too expensive to watch on telly, and its noise never shuts: whether transfers, agents and friendlies, nicknames, forenames and mind-games, our lives can do without it all.
And yet, here we all are again because what else are we going to do? What else can we do? Football defines us, affirms us and glorifies us; it finds us new friendships and cements existing ones, it brings our lives colour, thrill and ridiculousness. Which is to say that much as we might wish to the contrary, the truth of the matter is pure and simple:
I’ll be there for you
we’d be lost without it. So, here is some football!
Traditional curtain-raising of the metaphorical traditional curtain-raiser: 2pmBST
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