ANOTHER DEADLINE DAY IN THE CAN
Jim White’s yellow tie was nowhere to be seen. WhatsApp long ago killed the artifice of having two mobile phones on the desk. Fans hanging around a training ground to cheer a new signing in bovine fashion is just another casualty of Covid-19. Things ain’t what they used to be. But, as it SLAMMED SHUT, The Fiver had to admit that January 2022’s transfer window had actually been almost interesting. Of the big boys, Manchester City signed the new Sergio Agüero/Vicente Matías Vuoso in Julián Álvarez. Liverpool landed Luis Díaz and will probably go back in this summer for Fulham’s Fabio Carvalho, despite paperwork not being complete in time. Chelsea signed nobody. Manchester United shed Anthony Martial but Jesse Lingard was kept on.
The battle at the bottom rests on whether Newcastle got their pants pulled down in spending £85m of Saudi loot on Kieran Tripper, Chris Wood, Bruno Guimarães and Dan Burn, with Matt Targett loaned in from Villa. At Watford, Mr Roy must make do with the regen talents the Pozzo family expected Claudio Ranieri to do better with. Norwich bought nobody, their sole deadline-day business the loaning of heavy Pantene user Todd Cantwell to Bournemouth. And with Wood cashed in, Burnley can now get it launched to Dutch man-mountain Wout Weghorst. There’s Frank Lampard’s The Ev, of course, keeping up proud club traditions by acting as a repository for fallen talent in borrowing Donny van de Beek and signing Dele Alli. Will that be enough to reach the heights of 13th? A club needs ambitions, after all, something unhappy Hammers are wailing after David Moyes added precisely zilch to his squad.
The cries of “spend some effing money” are yet louder at Arsenal, louder even than at Tottenham, two Juventus players to the good and with Antonio Conte placated for this week at least. A thin squad unable to fulfil its fixtures a couple of weeks ago shed even more players, with Calum Chambers joining Villa. Then there’s Pierre Emerick-Aubameyang, who while taking what his people called a “family holiday” in the Catalan capital, somehow ended up becoming a Barcelona player. What are the chances? For a while, a 2022 reboot of the Peter Odemwingie caper, using private jet rather than Range Rover, looked on the cards.
Aubameyang has joined Barcelona, less than a club, now more a Catalan recreation of ‘Arry Redknapp’s Portsmouth of the late-2000s, where top, top players turn up for no particular reason despite finances being tighter than The Fiver’s dungarees after another lockdown Christmas. Chambers and Aubameyang joined a list of Sokratis, Shkodran Mustafi, Sead Kolašinac, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Mesut Özil in being given Mikel Arteta’s ice-cold shoulder. That lot cost £194m, Arsenal receiving nowt from a transfer strategy that resembles a market stall handing out freebies at closing time.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My gang & I have hit a path and we won’t stop until we’re in every stomach and baked in every oven at some point! A man! A pizza! Let’s see how far Uefa goes! BUY THE WORLD’S HOTTEST MUSHROOM PIZZA, everyone!” – the owners of Pizza Wolke, a small restaurant in Germany, respond to news that Uefa is taking legal action against them because they sell a pizza called “The Champignons League”. Keep on fighting the good fight, Aleksander.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I didn’t think that Friday’s strapline of ‘Fiver Letters on its own Winter Break’ was serious on Friday? Why does Fiver Letters get a winter break? It’s not as if they do a lot of work. Or did I miss something in yesterday’s Fiver? And now I’ve just used the word ‘missed’, which may imply a personal attachment to The Fiver, which isn’t what I mean at all!” – Katie Maddock.
“I noticed that Frank Lampard’s Everton manager Frank Lampard called FLE a ‘unique’ club in his announcement spiel, instead of the usual platitude of ‘huge’. Perhaps already laying the groundwork for when it all goes horribly wrong?” – Gerry Rickard.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Katie Maddock.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Police have been given extra time to question Manchester United’s Mason Greenwood on suspicion of rape and sexual assault.
Tyler Rattray, the captain of Raith Rovers’ women’s team, has resigned and crime writer Val McDermid has ended her sponsorship in protest at the signing of David Goodwillie, who was found to have raped a woman by a civil court in 2017. “This shatters any claim to be a community or family club,” said McDermid. “Goodwillie has never expressed a shred of remorse for the rape he committed. His presence at Starks Park is a stain on the club. I’ll be tearing up my season ticket too. This is a heartbreaker for me and many other fans, I know.”
The PFA has warned there is still much to be done to achieve parity between male and female players, despite “significant” changes to new contracts for the women’s game. Meanwhile, the NWSL has agreed a collective bargaining agreement with the players’ association that includes a minimum salary of €35,000.
Aaron Ramsey says that he chose to join the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers because they’re dead big. “I had a number of offers on the table, but none matched the magnitude of this club,” cooed the on-loan Juve midfielder.
Barça chief suit Joan Laporta has directed another lazer beam of blame at his predecessor Josep Bartomeu for the club’s sorry financial state. “Our audit found payments that we understand were improper management of club funds,” he blabbed, handing Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang €1 and an official Barcelona pen as payment for his first day’s work.
Cork City defender Cathal Heffernan, 16, has only gone and signed for Milan. “Words can’t describe how happy I am,” cheered the defender who was born one month before this.
Takumi Minamino and Junya Ito fired home the goals as Japan beat Saudi Arabia 2-0 to boost their own – and flamin’ Australia’s – hopes of qualifying for the Human Rights World Cup.
Dele Alli can’t wait to take his flask and lunchbox to Finch Farm to start work at Frank Lampard’s Everton. “I’m eager to get started and can’t wait for my first game in a [Frank Lampard’s] Everton shirt,” cheered the midfielder, who will cost between £10m and £40m depending on how useful he is in said shirt.
And Jermain Defoe is ready to give League one defences some sleepless nights after rejoining Sunderland.
STILL WANT MORE?
The final transfer window verdict: how every Premier League club fared in January. And for added fun, why not trawl through every move in Europe’s big leagues.
Ben McAleer picks out 10 standout deals from across Europe so that you don’t have to.
Eddie Howe must show the Newcastle transfer tax was worth paying, writes Louise Taylor.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
