WHITE HART PAIN
You’ll have to forgive the Fiver if today’s edition is so dull it could drive a cactus to drink. The thing is, we’ve got loads of rum observations and choice gags to make, just not enough space in which to make them. That’s how great they are – we’re talking absolutely vaaaast insights and quips, certainly too big for a puny format such as this. Now, you may counter that that really isn’t good enough, that it sounds like the chatter of slackers or charlatans, that the Fiver should be well aware of any capacity issues by now and should adapt accordingly and just do its effin’ job, for crying out loud, and quit crying out loud.
Well in the voguish spirit of community-building and engagement with readers, screw you, dear readers, screw both of you. Because if an explanation is good enough for top Premier League manager Mauricio Pochettino, then it’ll do for a humble tea-timely football-related email. That’s right. Pochettino, in case you were too busy guffawing at his team’s home defeat by Newcastle to hear any of the words that then tumbled off his tongue like cartoon characters off a cliff, explained that the reason his ambitious side currently squat 11th in the Premier League is not because he has so far failed to make the best possible use of the players at his disposal, but because the White Hart Lane pitch has failed to expand to accommodate the Argentinian’s masterplan. Typical arrogant and lazy Premier League pitches, content to pick up wages of 50 or 60 grand a week without putting in the hard yards.
“Our style means we need a bigger space to play because we play a positional game,” Pochettino told the disobedient grass. “It’s true that White Hart Lane is a little bit tight and it’s better for the opponent when they play deep,” continued Pochettino, who is not too proud to admit that nearly every other Premier League team seems to have been able to adjust their game to win at White Hart Lane this season. “On Sunday there were two shots from Newcastle – it was unlucky for us. And they play deep. West Bromwich play deep, Liverpool the same, they play very deep and it was difficult for us. We need time to adapt to our new set-up and to understand better our position on the pitch.”
Time? Oh Mauricio, it seems that you really haven’t adapted to your new surroundings at all. Spurs don’t do time. Now that you’ve gone and identified the pitch as an issue, expect Daniel Levy to enlarge it any day, then come back in a couple of weeks and reduce it to the size of a table tennis table, then enlarge it again, then shrink it again, and so on and so on and so on. And somehow, despite the constant changes, Spurs’ pitch will always remain the same size. Because nothing ever really changes at Tottenham any more.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s a standing joke with me. I mean, a woman’s place is in the home and everything so what difference does it make saying it in front of all her colleagues? She should obviously realise it’s a joke” – now the Fiver isn’t necessarily your go-to reference when it comes to the term “joke”. Neither, it seems, is $exist Northumberland County FA vice-president John Cummings, who told a female referee development officer in March that: “It’s nothing against you personally but all the time I’m alive, a woman will never referee in my league.” Cummings has been suspended for four months, Northumberland FA suit Clive Oliver releasing the sic-inducing statement: “I and Northumberland FA fully support anti-discrimination in all forms which has no place in sport [sic].”
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“A few weeks ago you kindly published my tirade against the reporting of refereeing decisions over football tactics. I’ve just read an article about referee Mark Clattenburg coming unstuck because he wanted to attend an Ed Sheeran gig. To confirm, the reporting of this type of refereeing decision is more than acceptable” – Alistair Drummond.
“A few days ago your email was a little less unfunny than usual. This forced me to make an amused sound. It was not exactly a laugh, more of a wheezing cough which sounded more or less excactly how I imagine an elderly, slightly asthmatic, warthog’s sneeze might sound like. This made my sociable, erudite and friendly wife (who is, of course, blessed with poor eyesight and even poorer judgment) interested enough to look over my shoulder. When her friendly eyes were met with your ad for Guardian Soulmates it led her to believe that I was visiting shady dating sites behind her back. Of course, the truth was way too terrible to admit, so now I’m hoping you could find it in your hearts to run ads for an erudite and friendly divorce attorney who would never dream of overcharging me; followed by ads for dating sites for people with poor personal judgment and terrible senses of humour” – Magnus Ormaasen.
“Look, it’s all very well ruling Luis Suárez out of the running for the inherently ridiculous Ballon d’Or under ‘general behaviour on and off the pitch’ (yesterday’s Fiver). But Zinedine Zidane managed to score a nomination – and come fifth – in 2006, mere months after that headbutt in the flipping World Cup final. If we can’t look to Fifa for clear direction and consistency, where can we … oh” – Will Nichols.
“So, ‘all awards are completely stupid’ (yesterday’s Fiver)? I guess I’ll take my three ‘Fiver letter o’ the day’ (two with prizes!) awards off my CV, then. Thanks, Fiver. Building me up, and knocking me down” – Matt Dony.
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Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Magnus Ormaasen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Vincent Tan reckons his reign in south Wales has been an education. “I look upon Cardiff as my PhD in football management,” he drawled. “With Cardiff, I learnt a lot. I think I can run and manage a football club very well.”
Tomorrow: the PhD in long-term strategic management, awarded by Nasty Leeds.
Hmm … CSKA Sofia coach Stoycho Mladenov will not provide the medical document requested by officials after he was hit on the head by a snowball thrown by rival Levski fans. “I’m a man of honour and the case is closed for me,” roared Mladenov, who had been accused of feigning unconsciousness after the incident.
And Swansea have appealed against Federico Fernández’s farce of a red card in their 2-1 Coca-Cola Cup defeat at Liverpool.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
How did Russia unveil their inevitably lacklustre Edvard Munch-alike 2018 World Cup logo? On the International Space Station, that’s how.
STILL WANT MORE?
Michael Cox has 99 problems but pitch size ain’t one.
Ballon d’Or internationalism and the FA Cup’s past plastic pitches: it’s this week’s Knowledge!
A Hearts howitzer, a Delhi dribbler and a futsal flick are all among the goals of the week.
Tor-Kristian Karlsen chats Liverpool transfer strategy.
He chose Newcastle over Real Madrid! He scored a goal! He won some awards! And now Louise Taylor has written an article about him! Ayoze Pérez is on the up and up.
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