KEEPY DOWNER
Anyone who watched this year’s Big Cup final will have presumably come to the immediate conclusion, just like The Fiver, that Loris Karius played the game having necked a pre-match pint of isotonic sports beverage Night Nurse followed by a couple of large NyQuil chasers. And you’d have certainly hoped that analysis was correct, because at least that way the poor lad will have got himself a decent night’s sleep afterwards. But it turns out that armchair quackery doesn’t always result in a 100% accurate diagnosis. And so The Fiver has been shocked to discover that Karius in fact contested the majority of the second half in a concussed state, suffering from “visual spatial dysfunction”, an ailment which hinders a person’s ability to visually process where things are in space. Now, The Fiver might be a quack, but that can’t be positive news when the day job’s keeping goal, can it.
This misfortune befell Karius early in the second half upon being clanked upside the head in a collision with festive theatre entertainment’s Sergio Ramos. It wasn’t long before he was teeing it up for … but we all know what happened, let’s not riff on his pain more than is absolutely necessary. These findings are the result of scans taken by experts at Massachusetts General Hospital, Karius having been sent there for checks last week after contacting Liverpool with concerns while on holiday out there. The results explain quite a bit, though expect questions to be raised about concussion protocols at both Uefa and Liverpool. Still, all’s well that ends well, sort of, because the keeper is expected to make a full recovery and will be able to rebuild his career at … well, surely not Liverpool, though stranger things have happened.
In the meantime, an unavoidably brazen search for a new No 1 goes on. Hopes that Alisson would fall in love with Anfield upon visiting with Brazil last weekend have yet to be fulfilled, and nobody’s talking about Jan Oblak much at the moment. Sadly, it’s not as though disappointed, nervous and edgy supporters are able to place their trust regarding this matter in the hands of the club, because Liverpool’s experience with goalkeepers is not great. Consider the likes of Simon Mignolet, David James, Chris Kirkland, Scott Carson, Brad Friedel and Safe Hands Sander. In the last few decades, only Brucie gets a pass, and even then with major caveats. Pepe Reina maybe, until he forgot how to jump. If you fancied an argument, you could suggest that they haven’t signed a truly dependable, worry-free keeper since landing Ray Clemence from Scunny in 1967. That run’s got to end sometime, though, right? Eh?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m sure that many African shamans in the future will not allow [Pep] Guardiola to win [Big Cup]. This will be for Guardiola an African curse. Life will show whether I am right or not” – Yaya Touré’s Mr 20%, Dimitry Seluk, lobs more fuel on the fire by suggesting the Manchester City manager’s alleged treatment of his fresh and funky client has got African spirit-summoners all hot and bothered too.
ETHICS WORLD CUP GUIDE
Here we go, then, our bumper rundown of all 736 [SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX – Fiver vidiprinter] players at Russia 2018.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, a tale of Peruvian woe.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I really don’t understand all this fuss about Leroy Sané not making the Germany squad (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) when Gareth Southgate had the nerve to leave out Jake Livermore and Chris Smalling” – Neil Bage.
“Yesterday, while watching Italy v the Netherlands, two teams that failed to qualify for the Ethics World Cup, playing an international friendly with commentary in Spanish, I wondered if any Fiver readers have a more futile example of feeding their football addiction?” – Brian Saxby.
“Re: ‘litre vino’ being Spanish for pint of wine (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Let me be the 1,057th pedant to point out that Peter Worley’s joke would have been marginally funnier if he’d bothered to spell the name of the golfer correctly. But it still wouldn’t have been very funny” – Mattias Lundberg (and no others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Neil Bage.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Crystal Palace have been threatened with being dissolved and struck off the companies register for bungling paperwork and being two months late filing their annual accounts.
Roma fans have been banned from attending their club’s next European away game following violence at Anfield that left a 53-year-old Liverpool fan in a critical condition.
Manchester United have reached an agreement with Shakhtar Donetsk to sign Fred for £52m fat ones.
Unai Emery has got the Arsenal revolution under way by signing former Juventus right-back Stephan Lichtsteiner, 78, on a free transfer.
Duran Duran fan Paul Pogba doesn’t want your love. “We can’t love everyone and be loved by everyone,” he sighed. “That would be perfection and nothing is perfect in this world. I’m not going to be offended if someone says: ‘I don’t love you.’ That’s your right. You don’t have to love me.”
Guti is among the candidates who are set to be interviewed for the St Mirren job. And yes, that’s the same Guti who may be interviewed for the Real Madrid job.
Leroy Sané has picked his jaw off the floor and been ridiculously reasonable after being ditched by Die Mannschaft. “Nothing but the best to the team in Russia. Go get that title!” he roared, while perusing a holiday brochure.
Santi Cazorla will train with Villarreal in an attempt to finally recover from his long-term achilles-knack. “Santi Cazorla returns home!” bugled a club suit.
And Toby Alderweireld has come to the conclusion that being a footballer can be a bit bobbins. “I sometimes think about another life. I think I would be at least as happy,” he told Belgian hacks. “I sometimes fear [I’ll have] an early midlife crisis. I have not been able to do enough crazy things in my life.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Phillipe Albert waxes lyrical about Romelu Lukaku after cherry-picking his all-time Belgium XI. And you can make the big decisions yourself by creating your own dream lineup.
Our World Cup Experts’ Network rolls on with Croatia, while Alex Holiga profiles Andrej Kramaric, the national hero who stuck by his principles at risk of shattering his career.
Solomon Fowowe gives us the lowdown on Nigeria’s Francis Uzoho, the wannabe striker turned 6ft 5in goalkeeping giant. And feast your eyes on our Nigeria team guide, featuring loads of stuff you might not know about their tactics, key players and expert predictions.
Meet Takara Hawthorne-Smith, the Wolves striker turned powerlifter.
Napoleon met disaster in Russia but Didier Deschamps will fare better, reckons Richard Williams.
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