Yesterday Halle Berry, 59 caused a sensation, looking stunning as she showed off her amazing body in a barely-there gold bikini on Instagram.
With the caption 'Phew…! cooking, cleaning and mothering.' it was a delicious revenge photo to her ex husband David Justice who had used the words previously as a reason he had decided to leave.
And beach showing off doesn’t stop there. Last week, supermodel Kate Moss who is spending summer in Ibiza, set a new benchmark for super beach glamour.
As she made her way nonchalantly across the sand wearing beige bikini bottoms , white shirt, and huge black sunglasses, she was carrying no other than a taupe leather Hermès Kelly bag. With a price of 35k - the cost of a second mortgage for the rest of us, she seemed blissfully unconcerned that it could easily get scuffed on the beach. But then it was left open and already full of leather ruining sand).
The whole thing screeched ‘I am so achingly cool, glamorous and rich I use my luxury Kelly as my go to tatty beach bag. Game set and match to La Kate.
For the rest of us, beach one-upmanship is a less pricey affair. Whilst there are no more style ‘rules’ what you wear/how you behave will speak volumes about who you are. Whether like me you are ‘I have no intention of ever hanging up my itsy bitsy bikini’ free spirited (like Dua Lipa in Ibiza this week, in the Oséree Lumière Bicolor Double Kini, yours for a cool £194), an age-denying midlifer, or a Love Island wannabe,, look around the beaches this summer and you can spot the new beach style tribes.
The one who is Insta perfect
‘Of course I Instagram my feet looking out to sea — obligatory pink/orange/gold painted toe nails'. How else do I let everyone know back home just what a fun holiday I’m having. Not to mention blowing a fortune on the most expensive restaurant — look, here it is on my Insta feed. I wasnt too keen on the food - all fish yuck! Still... curating a luxury image is so important for maximum envy effect.
Wannabe Love Islander
‘No Carbs in Marbs,’ you say as you sip on a Margarita and drape yourself Islander-style on one of the huge round sunbeds at Niki beach on the Costa del Sol. Dressed in neon lime green, tiny thong bikini, statement bling and already sporting a deep tan, this is pure see and be seen territory. 'Woo hoo ‘you cry as some rich banker sprays you with a magnum of Veuve Cliquot, and just about misses your ostenatiously positioned Dior handbag.
The one who brings everything but the kitchen sink
Water bottle? Tick. Factor 50? Tick. Special beach mat/trestle table, wind breakers, chairs, cooling bags fizzy, drinks, crisps tick tick tick tick. ‘Come on everybody, let’s get a move on,’ is your catchphrase for the entire holiday. With your military style organisation, and your ample beach gear, you are guaranteed to have everything you need for a day on the beach in sunny Norfolk. Ok so it took hours to pack./unpack. Not to mention dragging it all onto the beach, mouthfuls of sand as you tuck into the tuna sarnies, Then it poured down with rain. Next year its an all inclusive.
Sturdy swimming costumes and sarongs
You are type of woman who, in pursuit of beach respectability and a nod to increasing flabbier flesh, heads straight to the cossie department and purchases a selection of sensible sturdy swimsuits. Better to play it safe you think, as you wrap a patterned sarong to cover up any sight of dimpled flesh. Not to mention cellulite anxiety as you make the sunbed to beach bar dash. You might be out of breath, but your dignity is intact.
Bikini babe whatever her age
If you want to rule the beach, you say you will need to own your wobbly bits – whatever the bikini police might think . You stride out in your itsy bitsy. flimsy style bikini, that you have been wearing ever since the 70s when you were a teenager. You are not hankering after Elizabeth Hurley-style physical perfection but more that summer desire to feel liberated and free. Ergo flat stomachs, bottoms heading south and firm thighs are optional. See Helen Mirren looking like an absolute bombshell in a bikini at 63 (she’s now 80 but hopefully still rocks a bikini).
Virtue-signalling beach-goer
With your bag full of eco-friendly paper straws, and a bikini made from woven hemp, you feel smugly superior to the rest of us consumerist dolts. The trouble is you haven't eaten all day, and all the beach cafes have, are animal killing salami or egg sandwiches. Cant be helped you say, biting into the salty meat and white bread. Its like Nirvana in a roll. Well... being virtuous all the time is really really hard.
Use the bikini holiday as a message
What better way to say ‘I’m so over you’ than a series of revenge photos on Insta. Look here I am sizzling hot and living my best bikini life somewhere in the Mediterranean. With the blazing sun, glistening pool and glorious beaches, it is the perfect backdrop to flaunt your new post break-up hair cut, gym honed body and series of sizzling hot bikinis. Oh and here I am packing on the PDA with a banker friend I met at the night club. The message is crystal. Your loss. I won. Halle Berry, you are our icon.
Mr ‘Do you think I’m sexy’
Trying to pull of a Daniel Craig as Bond walking manly-style out of the surf in your banana hammock (tiny speedo swim trunks,) is strictly for those with six packs and youth on their side. You may think you are 007, but for the average bloke, a pair of longish boxer style shorts will cover up any bulging stomach and are a more fitting accompaniment to a midlife chest that has headed in the moob, direction.
Boho queen
More likely to be found on the beaches of Ibiza, in search of the summer trance cafe. With your heart shaped flourescent sunglasses bikini top and silk billowy trousers, you love the bohemian atmosphere, electronic trance music and midnight dancing at famous Benirras Beach. ‘Its cosmic man - love you all,’ you slur as you ‘pass the moon’ to your fellow swaying beach friends. Namaste!
