So, have you ever faked an orgasm? If you said no, are you faking that you never fake it? And if so, how can I tell? Of course, we all fake some things. A Wonderbra is so called because when you take it off, you wonder where the hell your breasts went.
And can you even remember your natural hair colour? Extensions, acrylic nails, fake tans, teeth, CVs, units of alcohol a week, eyelashes… I tried fake lashes once. Every time I blinked, it looked like tarantulas mating.
Talking of mating, every woman fakes how many men she’s slept with. ‘Of course I’m a virgin… I don’t know why you men keep asking the same silly question!’
And when it comes to keeping our HMS Relationships afloat, we gals regularly fake it.
For example, when our partner cooks an inedible dinner or gives us a hideous birthday present, our vocal appreciation would rival the theatrical enthusiasm of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally: ‘Ohhhh! Lovely!!!’
So, yes, it’s OK to feign some things. But listen in as I share some interesting fake news. Not a critique of a Trump press conference, but a Psychology Today report which reveals that nearly 60% of women have faked pleasure to please a partner or to hurry things along.
‘There’s a special sort of foreplay – it’s called housework’
One of my girlfriends says that when she’s bored in bed, it’s just easier to ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ and writhe about for a bit, then make a low moan and go limp.
But surely this ploy could seriously backfire. Impressed by his own virtuosic virility, a man’s just as likely to say, ‘Wow! I’m going to give you another seven of those!’ – and set back to work at the carnal coalface immediately.
Besides which, there’s little point in encouraging a partner in practices which are not going to get you anywhere. By anywhere, I mean the usual desired female destination of over the moon or into another orbit entirely.
There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Hell, some blokes I know can fake a whole damn relationship.
Kathy's wickedly witty new novel is out now: Matilda, Jo, Penny and Cressy are all women at the top of their game; so imagine their surprise when they start to be personally overlooked and professionally pushed aside by less-qualified men. Only they're not going down without a fight. Society might think the women have passed their amuse-by dates but the Revenge Club have other plans.
It’s impossible to have an Academy Award-winning orgasm with no foreplay. Yet, while research reveals that we need at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most sexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this erotic calculation just can’t add up.
And there’s no reason why men shouldn’t be good at it. Most blokes are good with their hands. Fellas who are able to fashion a temporary cistern ball float with a squeezy bottle and a coat hanger in five minutes flat should be able to easily find a G-spot. Location! Location! Location!
Having sex when you’re not in the mood is like dancing with no music. But it’s so easy to get a woman in the mood. In fact, there’s a special sort of foreplay – and it’s called housework.
If a bloke helps with the shopping, mopping, kid-wrangling and cooking, there’ll be nothing fake about a female’s appreciation. All you’ll hear is ‘Yes! Yes! YESSSS!’ Satisfaction guaranteed.
This article first appeared in the November 2025 issue of woman&home magazine. Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
