Want to become a government codebreaker, but worried that your profound lack of technological nous will hold you back? Fear no more! Next year, as part of a £1.9bn national cyber-security programme, the government will push hopefuls with no background in technology through an intensive 10-week cyber-security bootcamp. By the end of the GCHQ-certified scheme, it hopes to find 50 high-aptitude individuals to protect our nation from cyber attacks.
Are you one of those individuals? Here’s a quiz to test your flair for cyber security.
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What’s your mother’s maiden name?
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Smith
Add a point in A
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Jones
Add a point in B
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Passwordpassword123
Add a point in C
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Hang on, are you trying to log in to my bank account?
Add a point in D
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What do you do if someone throws you a sheep on Facebook?
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Call the RSPCA
Add a point in A
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Throw it back
Add a point in B
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Poke them
Add a point in C
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Throw them a sheep? What is this, 2007?
Add a point in D
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What does the ‘grimacing face’ emoji portray?
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Happiness
Add a point in A
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Fright
Add a point in B
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Awkwardness
Add a point in C
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What the hell does this have to do with anything?
Add a point in D
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Why do people cover their laptop webcam with tape?
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Because they broke it
Add a point in A
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So they don’t accidentally record themselves masturbating
Add a point in B
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What’s a webcam?
Add a point in C
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Do they really do that? Wow, people are paranoid
Add a point in D
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What did you do during the Ashley Madison hack?
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Nothing, my conscience is clear
Add a point in A
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Grovelled to my wife
Add a point in B
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Who’s Ashley Madison?
Add a point in C
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Changed my Snapchat password, just in case
Add a point in D
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Why should you never take nude photos on your phone?
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Because it’s creepy
Add a point in A
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Because your genitals are misshapen and embarrassing
Add a point in B
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Because you might accidentally email them to your mum
Add a point in C
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Because the Russians will put them on the internet
Add a point in D
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You’ve received a text message asking you to log in to HSB-Cbankkingonline.org and confirm your details. What do you do?
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Log in and confirm my details
Add a point in A
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I’m not an HSBC customer, but I’ll log in anyway
Add a point in B
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What’s a text message?
Add a point in C
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Email my granddaughter and ask her what I’m supposed to do
Add a point in D
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Why is your computer slow?
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Because I bought it in 2002
Add a point in A
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Because all these porn pop-ups keep blocking my desktop
Add a point in B
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What’s a computer?
Add a point in C
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Because the Russians have hacked me
Add a point in D
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Your infrastructure has been hit by an APDoS utilising five attack vectors. What do you do?
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Unplug my computer and run away
Add a point in A
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Is that an STD?
Add a point in B
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What’s an APDoS?
Add a point in C
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Oh come on, you just copied and pasted this from Wikipedia, didn’t you
Add a point in D
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Are you sure you don’t want to give me your mother’s maiden name?
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I told you, it’s Smith
Add a point in A
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Are you my dad? Have you forgotten your anniversary again?
Add a point in B
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I’m sure. However, the three-digit number on the back of my credit card is 402 if that’s any help
Add a point in C
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Dude, stop
Add a point in D
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Do you like the TV show Mr Robot?
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Not really. Its twists are too predictable
Add a point in A
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Not really. There aren’t enough sexy girls in it
Add a point in B
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What’s a TV?
Add a point in C
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Really? This is how you’re recruiting spies? By asking them how much they like a show about a hacker? This whole bootcamp idea seems unbelievably ill-advised, you know
Add a point in D
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Do you like the idea of becoming a government codebreaker?
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Sure
Add a point in A
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Does it pay well?
Add a point in B
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What’s a government?
Add a point in C
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Are you crazy? No
Add a point in D
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Buckets
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Mostly As
Do not go on this bootcamp. It seems like a bad idea, and you’re not very clever, and the internet would crash halfway through your first day at work.
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Mostly Bs
Actually, you know what? We’re good for cybersecurity experts right now, but thanks for your interest.
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Mostly Cs
Do you even know what a computer is? I mean, for crying out loud. I know this whole bootcamp idea was a stretch, but we were expecting at least a base level of knowledge from our applicants. This is a disaster. A disaster.
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Mostly Ds
Sure, you’re the best we’ve got. Take the desk over there in the corner. Don’t touch anything.
