Frequent stops, treats, games, quizzes and audiobooks are your only hope for a bit of peace and quiet, says Philip Byrne
Raising kids – sure, sometimes it’s a picnic, but more often than not it’s closer to organising military manoeuvres. Constantly staying two steps ahead is the only way to win the 4-D chess game that is parenting. Never is that more true than on family trips.
The simple tasks that go with preparing for a long car journey – gathering up enough clean pants and socks for your break, emptying the bins, cursing as you dash from room to room half dressed – are in themselves stressful. But you can’t neglect the most important thing: keeping your kids happy on the road.
If, like many of us, you’re keen not to give your little ones too much screen-time, what can you do? The good news is, we’ve done the homework for you ...
Travel through time
On family road trips, happiness is a quiet backseat. What better way to achieve one than with your own favourite bedtime stories from childhood, narrated by a host of brilliantly chosen stars? Your family will agree: a journey in the company of The Twits (Richard Ayoade), Matilda (Kate Winslet) or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (read by Dahl himself) is time well spent.
Get back to basics
It were all different when we were growing up, weren’t it? Those of us over 30 remember the world before the internet, where there was no smartphone or tablet to keep us entertained. If we were stuck in the back of a car, we made do with a slightly squashed satsuma, that Paul Simon album everyone’s parents loved and our vivid imaginations. Why shouldn’t our kids know a little of that joy?
Wheel out a few of the classics when called for. Cheesy knock-knock jokes work a treat, and I Spy will keep even the most boisterous tween busy long enough to ease your nerves – only to have them shattered by another nail-biting round of Twenty Questions ...
Take them to the movies
If your kids are new to audiobooks, you can always introduce them to their favourite movies as spoken stories. How many kids can resist replaying the best moments in Star Wars: The Last Jedi; The Wonderful Wizard of Oz; or The Hunger Games? Sometimes the stories they know best are just the ticket.
Weave in a little wizardry
As an adult, you’re one of two kinds of people: those who love Harry Potter and those who haven’t gotten around to it yet. Either way, this trip might be a good time to give the kids an “I’m saying it’s for you but it’s definitely for me” treat and tuck into the wonderful Harry Potter audiobooks. Narrated by Stephen Fry, they bring the stories to life in a way that even movies can’t. Since it’s now pretty much considered neglect to raise young ones without a working knowledge of the Potterverse, it’s high time you indulged – and with seven volumes to get through, you’ll have a rapt audience for even the longest journey.
Treats – and plenty of them
It’s one of the great conundrums of parenting: we all want our kids to eat healthily, but treats, especially naughty ones, are a great way to keep them busy. Prep some healthy snacks and pass them out when your progeny get a little too fidgety – you’ll be glad you did. After all, sugary treats will result in a burst of glucose-fuelled craziness that will only make matters worse. The choice is yours.
Encourage some bad behaviour
Why should your in-car entertainment be prim and proper just because you’re on a family holiday? David Walliams’s books are gross, naughty and hilarious in the best tradition of Dahl, but with a contemporary twist that’ll leave the clan in stitches. Admit it: you’ve found them pretty funny yourself.
Plan, plan and plan again
Box clever by making time for a few quick detours and stops along the way. This gives the little ones a chance to burn off some energy (even a motorway-services food court can be a world of adventure if you’re under 10). They might even learn something en route, if you manage to swing by a National Trust/historical/educational spot. Be spontaneous too: pulling over to greet some friendly cows can really raise their spirits, and you’ll need every advantage you can get.
Get them thinking
It’s never too early to build up your child’s confidence, imagination and dreams. But who has the time? Audiobooks give parents the chance to enrich the minds of their children in a way that’s easily accessible and requires very little effort. For example, one advantage of being on the road is a few hours’ monopoly on the kids’ attention – a great opportunity to listen to Stories For Boys Who Dare To Be Different or Good Night Stories For Rebel Girls. Both are filled with inspirational tales of real people who break the gender mould to become something brilliant. Just sit back and watch their self-belief grow.
Nurse, the screens
Look, handing out the mobile is a last resort, and we’re not judging if you do. But why not try some classic children’s literature – such as the audiobook version of Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book – first? There’s plenty of time for them to develop an unhealthy addiction to their smartphones; in the meantime, car journeys are a great time to inspire them with great literature. Plus, these audiobooks are classics for a reason. You’ll be free to keep your eyes on the road and your mind on how you’re going to keep the little terrors happy once you arrive at your destination.
Your first audiobook is free with a 30-day trial from Audible – £7.99 a month after 30 days. Renews automatically
