Matilda, you watch more reality television than I do. You even make a podcast about it – so I’m hoping you can help me. Of the 12 recently leaked cast members of I’m A Celebrity, I recognise approximately half, and I’m using the word “recognise” generously.
Now, I know the prospect of being dropped in the wilderness to get your face covered in chilli or bitten by ants isn’t an appealing prospect for an A-lister – but have we run out of famous people?
Oh yeah Alyx, this isn’t good. Like you, I reckon I used Google more often than not to do this, and that’s coming from a pretty healthy baseline of reality TV watching.
I’m assuming the problem, at least in part, is the inability to fly in a headlining international guest desperate for quick cash and/or record sales in the Antipodes. Also we can’t forget the “loss” of Pete Evans after he *checks notes* shared a meme featuring a Nazi symbol? Yikes.
Obviously you have some big hitters like Grant Denyer and Amanda Keller, but (according to unsubstantiated rumours) they’re already contracted to the network, rather than genuinely passionate about being in the jungle.
Then you move on to your second tier of “faces you’ve vaguely seen on posters”. And … that’s where it ends. Who are these people? I’m sure they are all lovely, and will no doubt be great to watch suffer in the jungle. But maybe we should change the name to, “I’m someone who HelloFresh once paid to promote their meal kits, get me out of here?”
I should probably clarify that when I emailed Network Ten to ask about this leak they said: “Don’t expect us to be a grinch (especially so close to Christmas) and spoil the guessing game!” So none of these casting choices are confirmed.
Ten do not want to Grinch, so I will Grinch myself and say: I do not know why someone would make up that two guys off Gogglebox are going on I’m A Celeb. Where are the problematic pollies this year? Where are the Olympians? And most of all, in Australia is there a difference between “a celebrity” and “has been on TV”?
Honestly, no. With a population of only 24 million, lack of interest in homegrown cultural content and a serious case of society wide tall poppy syndrome, it’s pretty unsurprising that our well of celebrities runs dry fast. Also, I’m a Celebrity is a pretty hard sell, even in a large market.
I’m not saying that we can never have celebrity based reality TV shows. I’m just saying it should be enshrined into federal law that they must gracefully end after two seasons. Do you think anyone is going to be pumped to see the contestants of the third season of Masked Singer take off their heads? No, it will probably just be Abbie Chatfield again.
So let’s go through this – unconfirmed – cast list, in a game I like to call “Am I a celebrity?” I have helpfully provided some fame-indicative vital stats such as Instagram followers, and whether the person has a Wikipedia page.
Amanda Keller: is she a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram followers? 132k
Alyx: Yes, Amanda Keller is definitely famous. She’s on busses! She is a member of the Order of Australia! Why is she doing this again?
Matilda: Oh yeah, she is famous. Is she “headline a show about famous people” famous, maybe not, but I’m not holding any grudges.
Grant Denyer: is he a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram follower count? 162k
Matilda: I mean sure, I’ll give it to him. I don’t care about him and would never seek out a show because of him, but I can’t deny he has the name recognition.
Alyx: I reckon possessing a Gold Logie is the only way to affirm lifetime Australian celebrity status that does not involve “making it in America”. He’s a celebrity.
Colin Fassnidge: is he a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? No
Instagram followers? 118k
Alyx: Colin Fassnidge is probably best known as a My Kitchen Rules judge, but to me he’s one of the guys who popularised nose-to-tail eating in Australia, which seems like it could be of significant use in the jungle. A chef won last year’s show so, look, I’m going to say that he’s both a celebrity and probably going to do quite well.
Matilda: I’ve only vaguely seen his face on posters, but I’m sure he will be a big hit with the older mum demographic.
Paulini: is she a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram followers? 23.3k
Matilda: Paulini placed fourth in a singing contest 17 years ago and only has 800 more followers on Twitter than me, a total nobody. Honestly I know her best for pleading guilty to bribing a government official.
Alyx: I will fight you on this one. First of all, Twitter’s for nerds. Paulini channelling Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard musical was honestly one of the highlights of 2017 for me. She is a treasure, who, OK, made one small, bribery-related mistake.
I was in high school during the “Gold Dress” incident so to me she’s very much a celebrity, and even prompted many feminist awakenings, purely by existing in public and having to weather the costs of that. Also, if you peer back at the dress she was fat-shamed for wearing through 2020 eyes, Dicko’s comments seem even more unhinged. She looked like a Love Island contestant. 2003 was a wild time.
Robert ‘Dipper’ DiPierdomenico: is he a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram followers? 8.9k
Matilda: I assume Dipper is famous for people who like sport, so I mean at least they have someone to bring in a male audience.
Alyx: I know this man, I know his moustache, I do not know why. In a grand reality TV tradition, let’s bring in a guest judge. Ben Butler, Guardian Australia’s business reporter, who is this person and is he, in fact, a celebrity?
Ben Butler: Robert “Dipper” DiPierdomenico is a genuine Z-list celebrity, a former Australian rules footy player who went on to enjoy a long half-life spruiking a now-deceased chain of discount department stores.
He played in the midfield for Hawthorn from the mid-70s through to the early 90s – a period that took in seven premierships and included a patch in the 80s that is widely regarded as the club’s golden age.
Dipper had a reputation for on-field aggression that saw him immortalised in song, but nonetheless managed to avoid official sanction adequately enough to win the Brownlow Medal for best and fairest player in the league in 1986.
But it’s his post-playing career days as a TV spruiker for discounters Dimmeys that really secured his place in the hearts of Victorians.
In a series of frankly terrible TV ads, as cheap as the merch on sale at the stores, Dipper enthusiastically plugged everything from bath towels to “mum’s favourite authentic perfumes”.
Sadly, Dimmeys closed in 2012, robbing Dipper of a TV outlet – until now.
Abbie Chatfield: is she a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? No
Instagram followers? 195k
Matilda: I think Abbie Chatfield is a huge catch, although I’ve made my love of her pretty clear previously. She might not be that well known outside the Bachelor franchise but by god is she good TV, and I’m pumped to see her get the redemption arc she never got on Bachelor in Paradise.
Alyx: I do not know this Abbie Chatfield, but I trust you.
Toni Pearen: is she a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram followers? 4.2k
Matilda: Once again I’m at a loss. I was only three when the 90s ended so maybe that’s why but when I Googled her music videos all I could see was lots of wiggly arm movement and it made me feel sea sick.
Alyx: I also do not know who she is, but Guardian Australia senior editor Gabrielle Jackson does! Take it away, special guest judge.
Gabrielle Jackson: Toni Pearen is 100% fair dinkum a celebrity. Has everyone forgotten the 90s soapie E Street? How quickly we forget the trials and tribulation of her character’s up and down relationship with bad boy Harley, her hit single (honestly can’t remember what it was called now) and her ... what has she done in between, I wonder?
Adam and Symon from Gogglebox: are they celebrities?
Wikipedia page? No
Instagram followers? 49.3k / 39.6k respectively
Alyx: Full respect to people who substitute vowels for y’s, but the premise of Gogglebox – where these guys were last seen on TV – is “real people” watching shows, right? Doesn’t that make them explicitly not celebrities?
Matilda: It’s a meta choice for sure, but Angie and Yvie successfully pulled it off before. Also if the pattern continues that means we might get one of them as our next Bachelor, and wouldn’t that be a breath of fresh air!
Ash Williams: is he a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? No
Instagram followers? 61.8k
Matilda: The first Google result for Ash Williams seems to be his own website that he made on Squarespace. I’m excited to see him and Abbie Chatfield make out in the jungle but I have never heard of this man before in my life.
Alyx: I’m a total blank. Please welcome to the set Pedestrian TV’s entertainment editor, Matthew Galea!
Matthew Galea: Ash Williams is a local comedian who takes the piss out of everything via Instagram and on his podcast. Is he a celebrity? Well, put it this way, he’s no less a celebrity than any other I’m A Celeb contestant, which in recent years has included a magician, an axed newsreader and scores of forgotten reality stars. I will say this though, I didn’t have to Google Ash Williams to know who he was (which I often have to do when the line-up is announced). So yes, he’s a celeb ... by I’m A Celeb standards.
Jack Vidgen: is he a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram followers? 52.3k
Alyx: I clocked out of reality singing shows – which appear to be this nice young man’s bread and butter – around the time Paulini stopped appearing on them. My gut instinct is that he is not a celebrity, but perhaps to Gen Z, he is.
Matilda: Do I know this chap? No. Am I excited to see someone who seems to be comfortable bending gender roles and presenting a less toxic version of masculinity on mainstream TV? Yes.
Pettifleur Berenger: is she a celebrity?
Wikipedia page? Yes
Instagram followers? 45.8k
Matilda: I mean I’m a huge Real Housewives franchise fan but even I haven’t watched Real Housewives of Melbourne, and I live in Melbourne!
Alyx: I don’t have cable, and my only RHO references are filtered through Drag Race, so I had no idea who “Australian property developer, author and reality television personality” (thanks Wiki) was – but Pettifleur Berenger is an excellent name, so I welcome it becoming a household one.
And there we have it. So now we’ve got the cast sorted, are you going to watch it?
Here is the thing. Yes. But let me make this excruciatingly clear, ONLY because of Abbie Chatfeild.
• The cast of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here will be officially revealed in the show’s first episode on Sunday 3 January, on Network Ten
