Dear Eva,
I am actually pretty young, early 20s, and I have been using Tinder for a while now. My problem lately has been knowing the appropriate time for a date.
Usually a guy will ask me out and then plan to meet, setting a date and a particular time. But lately I have had guys who will make plans with me and then be ambiguous about the details. Then I might get a message saying to meet them at 11pm, or in a bar or nightclub for a date.
My mind goes straight to booty call and bad intentions. When I decline to do this, I get made fun of because I am not doing what “young people” do – I should be more spontaneous and live for the moment.
Maybe I might be old fashioned but personally, for me, I refuse to go on a date that starts later than 9pm. Especially when it is with someone that I do not know. I guess my question is, what is the appropriate time for a date to start when meeting someone new from online dating? Am I just being really old fashioned?
Hey, you.
When I was your age (not so long ago ... OK, quite a long time ago) I met a man 25 years my senior in a professional situation who I was really keen to work for. A mutual contact introduced us and the impressive professional man invited me to meet him in his private members’ club at 9pm one evening.
“Hm,” I thought to myself, “my gut tells me that this seems like an awfully late time for a business meeting in a private members’ club, but certainly there’s no way that this man would be hitting on me, so I guess this is just what he does when he is having serious professional business meetings.”
Guess who was right? That’s right, my gut! The man who I wanted to work for had asked me on what he believed was a date. As a result, we both left disappointed: him, without sweet romance; me, without employment.
It sounds to me like you’re setting boundaries that you’re personally comfortable with, and expecting people you date to understand and respect those boundaries. You should be proud of yourself for staying true to what you believe in and what makes you happy. If some people think that what you believe in is “old-fashioned”, then you don’t want to date them anyway.
This goes for the time of day when you meet, the place where you meet, and any physical contact that you choose to have.
I think that some readers may write in and say: “Eva, you are recommending that this woman be SELFISH”, and it’s true that if you are in a long-term relationship you can’t be selfish all the time. But on a first date, you’re allowed to require the interaction to be in a time and a place and a context that you enjoy and which makes you comfortable.
And I think you’re right, by the way: a person who wants to meet you for the first time at 11pm is very likely to be angling for a sexual encounter. If that’s not what you want, then stick to your guns.
One note: it’s my understanding that among people your age, Tinder is more of a sex-focused scene than it is for slightly older daters (although let’s be honest, slightly older daters like to have sex too). You might have more success with apps like Hinge and OKCupid, where the word on the screen is that people are a little more interested in dating, at least in principle. You still have to find the right person.
Love,
Eva
