It’s 1 April, that one day each year when the rich satire that pervades Australian news and current affairs could actually be intentional.
We wish it were true, but suspect Rockhampton’s Morning Bulletin is having us on with this tale of a technological breakthrough involving Wi-Fi modems attached to ear tags and fixed on the beef capital’s myriad cows.
World-first technology developed by CQUniversity researchers could see outback farmers access fast, wireless internet in their most remote paddocks – as long as their [sic] within cooee of a cow.
The Bovine Utilising Long-range Link (BULL) technology sees new-micro Wi-Fi modems planted in special ear-tags, which can then be attached to handy heads of herd to create connective cattle.
The story comes complete with quotes from CQU deputy dean David Swain, including this one:
Another challenge has been keeping the Wi-Fi modem cool, so the project team have used an innovative ‘open flow ear cooling’ system that takes advantage of ear flapping motion of cattle to cool the 3G modem. Brahmans give the best results, as they flap their ears the most of any breed.
That last line must kill with the cow farmers. Meanwhile, over at sports website the Roar, an exclusive story on the NRL’s latest bid to clean up the code’s image.
The NRL has today announced it will crack down on visible tattoos in an effort to improve the image of the game, after recent surveys showed the code was suffering in its off-field perception.
NRL CEO Dave Smith said teams would have the rest of the 2015 season to comply with the new code, where no tattoo can be physically visible to anyone watching from the grandstands or on television.
2016 would see the introduction of up to four-week bans for players found to have tattoos showing at any point during a game.
It notes that move will heap pressure on the Dragons’ Josh Dugan, the Broncos’ Josh McGuire – and the entire South Sydney Rabbitohs squad.
Crafting a gag story is a particular stretch for Darwin’s all-caps aficionados, our pals at the NT News, but we think they’ve nailed it with this scoop about the Territory’s chief minister, Adam Giles, announcing a ban on four-wheel drives in the Top End from 1 January next year.
Chief Minister Adam Giles said the time was right to reduce the amount of traffic on – and off – Territory roads.
“For too long, roads have been clogged by four-wheel-drives in pristine condition,” he said.
“Many four-by-fours have never been driven on an unsealed road, let alone on a bona fide off-road track.
“So to protect the reputation of the four-wheel-drive, they will no longer be allowed on Territory roads.”
They’ve taken the act to Twitter, claiming they’re dropping the shouty schtick and replacing croc coverage with serious news only. Never change, NT News.
We’ve pulled muscles cringing at Bill Shorten’s withering zingers, but this effort, posted on his Facebook today, hits the spot.
Tony Abbott has cut more than $50 billion from Australian hospitals, threatened a new GP Tax and slashed funding for preventative health initiatives.
To help Australia’s health system cope with this, Labor will today launch a new preventative health campaign – An Onion A Day Keeps the Doctor Away.
The multi-layered campaign will raise awareness of the ongoing health benefits of consuming raw onions.
The campaign will also bust the myth that onions are best consumed cooked and with the skin removed.
Applause too for tech industry publication, ITNews, for this effort: the napkin on which Kevin Rudd and Stephen Conroy sketched out Australia’s $37.4bn national broadband network surfacing on eBay for $5,000.
iTnews can confirm the legitimacy of the napkin, which has been kept for six years by a former pilot for Rudd’s ministerial jet.
The pilot has requested to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.
He told iTnews he had quietly pocketed and kept the napkin as a nest egg for his retirement.
Guardian Australia could not confirm rumours Malcolm Turnbull was putting an alternative napkin up for sale (only one-ply but half the price).
No surprise that the Australian Sex party has a killer sense of humour, issuing a press release this morning announcing they had merged with the Shooters & Fishers. The new name of this new alliance? The Sex Pistols, of course.
This is a good April 1st take. RT @workmanalice: 👏👏👏 pic.twitter.com/B83jI6U6mC
— James O'Doherty (@jmodoh) April 1, 2015
Helpfully filed under “satire” was Fairfax Media’s take on plans to honour Peta Credlin, favourite daughter of Wycheproof (pronounce that any way you like), in rural Victoria.
A Mallee town has secretly been planning to build a giant Peta Credlin memorial on top of the world’s smallest mountain.
The Age tablet edition can reveal that Wycheproof, whose slogan is “.. where magic happens”, intends to emulate a famous Easter Island monumental statue, called a moai, with a tribute to the Prime Minister’s chief-of-staff.
“Just as the inhabitants of Easter Island endured famines, epidemics, civil war, slave raids, colonialism and near deforestation, Ms Credlin has endured setback after setback,” Mr Kelly said.
Meanwhile, we’re pretty sure The New Daily’s exclusive about Australia Post’s plans to begin “mailing” Australians around the country is yet another April Fools’ day gag. Here’s an excerpt:
While those opting for the new AirMale and AirFemale services won’t have to “post” themselves in envelopes or boxes, they will have to fly in the cargo hold of aircraft.
“We already have protocols in place down there to ensure the comfort of animals, so it’s perfectly safe,” an airline source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told The New Daily.
Sounds like every other budget airline then. Finally, Sky News Australia also entered the fray with this hilarious story about federal senator Jacqui Lambie starting a new party with opposition to sharia law as a central plank. We laughed so much we started crying.
