Age: As old as ice.
Appearance: The planet's freezer.
Is that the north or the south one? South.
Meaning polar bears or penguins? Penguins.
Right. Got it. So what's new down there? The Foreign Office has renamed a bit of it.
Why? As a jubilee gift (and early Crimbo pressie) for the Queen.
And what's the new name? Queen Elizabeth Land.
Not exactly imaginative, is it? That's the Foreign Office for you.
So where is this Queen Elizabeth Land? In a pie-shaped slice of the British Antarctic Territory roughly twice the size of the United Kingdom. It borders Ellsworth Land to the west and Dronning Maud Land to the east, with its tip at the south pole and its crust along the edge of the Ronne ice shelf.
Is the Queen excited about it? Probably not especially, no. This is not the first time a chunk of icy nothingness has been named in her honour. She already had Princess Elizabeth Land, over to the east in the Australian Antarctic Territory, which was named after her back in 1931, before she took the throne.
Not much of a gift then, is it? Not really. Which may be why the cabinet also presented her with 60 placemats.
They gave the Queen placemats? Apparently, yep. You get the sense the entire government had forgotten about her visit and had to scrabble together some gifts when they heard the doorbell. Particularly since Queen Elizabeth Land isn't strictly theirs to give.
It isn't? Not really. The British Antarctic Territory overlaps with the claimed Antarctic territories of both Chile and Argentina, and all three of the claims lack any real form of global legal recognition.
So basically it was one of those "We've named a star after you!" certificates? Pretty much, yep.
Do say: "Dear neighbours, I've renamed our street after my nan. Thanks, bye!"
Don't say: "So, er, we've got you this portrait of, er, Edward Heath and this, erm, pen – which belonged to the prime minister, until today – and, erm, this copy of today's newspaper. So, well done you."
