How's the isolation? Mine would be just fine if it wasn't for celebrities annoying the hell out of me.
All I want is to watch videos of cats being jerks, dogs being adorable and stupid humans coming to grief. But, to get to these gems, I have to negotiate a minefield of celebrities who are "just saying hello", dancing like no-one's watching and offering dubious inspirational advice.
While the rest of us manage to exist without constantly being the centre of attention, celebrities are struggling. COVID-19 has stolen their spotlight, which is our attention.
Unfortunately, a few celebs have found the camera in their phones and ta-da! their new role apparently involves a lot of singing.
I don't mind a vocally gifted celeb having a warble, but I don't need Will Ferrell singing Imagine at me. If that was entertaining, I'd just ask a random person to sing their favourite tune from a socially responsible distance at the supermarket. My review would be the same: "You had a good crack at In the Ghetto, but it was well out of tune, about 10 minutes too long and the tears weren't needed. No toilet paper for you".
The final straw was Elton John telling me from his plush isolation cell that he hopes everyone will be kinder to each other once this is all over. It would have been more entertaining if he had just tickled the ivories for a bit and sang The Bitch is Back.
The idea of Sir Elton, who I'm pretty sure is the universe's biggest bitch, instructing us to be nicer is a bit rich.
I know some of these musical interludes are for charity, but what's wrong with just handing over the cash quietly?
So, here are tips for a celeb looking to pass the time without annoying anyone.
1. Revisit old concerts/movies/catwalk struts and make notes about how you could have improved your performance. But, here's the key, keep the notes to yourself.
2. Ring your celeb mates and try to get a word in edgewise about yourself.
It will be like a verbal game of chess.
3. Clean out the fridge, as no doubt the hired help has abandoned you as well.
I imagine the only way to get celebrities to shut up is to implore them to use their mouths in the same way everyone else is at the moment - stress eating.
It isn't hard to do ... la la la
