And the Oscar for Best Cumberbatch goes to …

Moneyspinner … Guardians of the Galaxy. Photograph: Moviestore/Rex

Awards season has been dragging on for such an interminable time that everybody more or less knew all this week’s Oscar nominations before they had been announced. So here, just to liven things up, are a few amendments – a few new categories that are perpetually overlooked by the Academy, along with the most worthy nominees.

Let’s all pray that the Academy latches on and adds some of these categories into the show itself next year.

Best film to make more than $200m

The Lego Movie

Big Hero 6

Guardians of the Galaxy

Godzilla

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Following up on 21 Jump Street, it’s … 22 Jump Street. Photograph: Allstar/Columbia Pictures/Sportsphoto

Best sequel

How to Train Your Dragon 2

22 Jump Street

The Purge: Anarchy

The Expendables 3

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Looks like a winner … Jennifer Aniston in Cake. Photograph: Everett Collection/Rex

Physical transformation most transparently undertaken as an Oscar-winning tactic

Jennifer Aniston (Cake)

Steve Carell (Foxcatcher)

Eddie Redmayne (The Theory of Everything)

Jake Gyllenhaal (Nightcrawler)

Andy Serkis (Dawn of the Planet of the Apes)

Robert Redford in Captain America - who would have thought it? Photograph: Allstar/Marvel Studios

Best actor caught slumming it in a superhero movie

Glenn Close (Guardians of the Galaxy)

Paul Giamatti (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

Peter Dinklage (X-Men: Days of Future Past)

Jenny Agutter (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

Robert Redford (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

Best use of incessant drumming on a movie soundtrack

Birdman

Whiplash

Drumline 2: A New Beat

Commando (retrospective 30-year anniversary nomination)

Best name for that Tom Cruise film nobody went to see

All You Need is Kill

Live Die Repeat

Edge of Tomorrow

Best film that you only watched because its title made you think it was about something else

Foxcatcher (A beagle)

Whiplash (Car accidents)

Selma (Marge’s sister from The Simpsons)

Birdman (Icarus)

Cake (Some cake)

In competition… British actors David Oyelowo and Carmen Ejogo playing Americans in Selma. Photograph: Atsushi Nishijima/Allstar/Pathe

Best British actor playing an American

David Oyelowo (Selma)

Tom Wilkinson (Selma)

Tim Roth (Selma)

Carmen Ejogo (Selma)

Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl)

Tom Hardy (The Drop)

Andrew Garfield (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

Keira Knightley (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

Riz Ahmed (Nightcrawler)

Best American actor playing a Brit

Scarlett Johansson (Under The Skin) Actually, this is probably ineligible because she’s actually just playing an alien who happens to have a British accent. Let’s just scrap this category

Best Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch, Alan Turing (The Imitation Game)

Benedict Cumberbatch, Classified (Penguins of Madagascar)

Benedict Cumberbatch, Smaug (The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies)

Benedict Cumberbatch, Sauron the Necromancer (The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies)

Benedict Cumberbatch, Photobomber (Every single red carpet of the year)