TO THE AFCON 2017 SEMIS
The Fiver’s African cousin, Token Representative, has tipped off the mother organ to news that a popular traditional healer near Johannesburg has been trying to muscle in on The Fiver’s territory. “I don’t know much about football,” boasted 85-year-old Nozo Zintoyinto this week in an obvious pitch to our readership. “But since this Afcon thing started, lots of men have been coming to me … they ask me to predict the results of games.” The two key differences between Ms Zintoyinto and The Fiver is that her forecasts are based on messages communicated to her by ancestral spirits through the medium of sea shells, whereas our forecasts are based on visitations summoned by Purple Tin; and punters follow her advice. Word is those punters have been richly rewarded so far as she claims to have predicted the early eliminations of Ivory Coast and Senegal. Naturally, everyone now wants to know who she’s tipping to win the tournament. “The spirits are showing me players dressed in red,” she has ventured. “They are celebrating. They have light skins. They are not black Africans.” Blimey, is there no end to the exploits of Lincoln City?
Or perhaps she’s referring to Egypt? If so, she’s obviously not a charlatan because she made her forecast before Wednesday night’s semi-final victory for the Pharaohs over Burkina Faso and there was no way at that point that anyone could have envisaged the seven-times African champions going on to lift the trophy. That win, as it happens, was secured via a shootout in which two penalties were saved by Essam El-Hadary, who, at 44 years of age, is old enough to remember a time when The Fiver would have had a pithy quip to make about that.
Goalkeepers could also be the decisive characters in the other semi-final, which takes place on Thursday, and not only because Cameroon’s defensive prowess and Ghana’s sketchy finishing makes another shootout quite likely. There’s no telling – unless you’re gifted enough to be able to read sea shells or the expressions on Avram Grant’s face – who the Ghana manager will pick to play in goal, as there are suggestions Fatau Dauda may be drafted in instead of Razak Brimah. That might be a popular decision among Ghana fans who were offended by Brimah’s criticism of critics this week, when he took to some social media disgrace and swearily denounced “fools” who can “go to hell”. Brimah has since said sorry but Grant has not yet said if the player will be dropped but did, at least, provide reassurances that no one in the Ghana camp is losing the run of themselves over the incident. “The Bible tells us to forgive people who apologise for a wrongdoing,” preached Grant. “We are not going to kill him.”
Meanwhile, all is uncharacteristically calm on the Cameroonian front. Their goalkeeper, Fabrice Ondoa, is still basking in the acclaim of his compatriots and the gratitude of Liverpool fans after saving Sadio Mané’s penalty to knock out Senegal in the previous round. Indeed, the mood is so good that manager Hugo Broos even commended the recent behaviour of the press pack. “Before I found that Cameroonian journalists were never happy after any match I played, which is a bit of a fault,” chirped Broos. “In Cameroon the press are very impatient. You win four matches and everyone is happy but if you lose the fifth, they smash everything. I asked the press [before the tournament] to change that and, I have to be honest, Cameroonian journalists have changed. I think we now have a better relationship.” Cameroon have played four matches in the tournament so far. By Broos’ reasoning, the real test of his relationship will come if they lose the fifth.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Graceful? No, maybe not. Others would probably say ‘donkey’” – Brighton striker Glenn Murray offers a description of his game in a good chin-wag with Dominic Fifield.
606 FIVER LETTERS
“I have been reading (and mostly enjoying) The Fiver for some time. However, West Ham United (the club I have supported since a kid – I am 61 years old) appear (to me) to come in for some very unfair and biased criticism. Tottenham Hotspur planned to demolish the Olympic Stadium and give nothing to the taxpayer. But we are the rip-offs. Manchester City keep all of the naming rights money for the City Of Manchester Stadium (built with taxpayers money), an amount paid to them for naming it the Etihad stadium that exceeds the rent they pay to Manchester City Council, but it is we who have ripped the taxpayer off. Then our stadium is cr@p because it is designed for athletics (which is it, we got a cheap stadium or we got suckered – cannot be both)? Then a player who accepts a five-and-a-half year, £125,000-per-week contract in February, then goes on strike, refuses to play or talk to anyone is described as justified in his actions because West Ham’s manager praised his obvious talents at the European Championships and he is being forced to accept £125,000 per week to play in a second-rate athletics stadium – obviously (according to The Fiver) he is blameless and it is all West Ham’s fault? What mention of ‘Kids for a Quid’ or the cheapest seats in the Premier League etc, etc. Nothing! Is Weird Uncle Fiver a closet Tottenham supporter?” – Raymond Lish.
“Surely Claudio Ranieri is the new Bobby M? Stubborn to the hilt, unable to change and a very nice man. Leicester City fans should worry when Claudio refers to Wes Morgan as the greatest living defender and most talented footballer since Pelé. The end is nigh” – James Johnson.
“I would just like to point out that Dan Makeham’s measured and sensible discussion regarding Liverpool (yesterday’s Fiver letters), have no place in modern society, far less The Fiver” – Doug Jeffrey.
“Mark Taylor is indeed correct regarding the Lincoln Imp (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Apparently it’s situated inside the cathedral and, thus located, cannot get cr@pped upon by the seagulls … which, funnily enough, is precisely the opposite scenario to the one I drove a 500-mile round trip to witness at Sincil Bank” – Tony Crawford.
“Is there any significance to there being 1,056 EU documents mentioned in the Brexit white paper?” – David Kernohan.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
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AC Jimbo and co hotfooted it back from Oslo for Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaa.
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BITS AND BOBS
Frank Lampard has called time on his playing career. “Whilst I have received a number of exciting offers to continue playing at home and abroad, at 38 I feel now is the time to begin the next chapter in my life,” he cheered.
Manchester United fail to win? Check. Interminable distraction noise from José Mourinho? Check, check, checkity-check. “Yesterday one fourth official told to a manager [Jürgen Klopp]: ‘I enjoy very much your passion, so do what you want to do.’ Today I was told sit down or I have to send you to the stands, so everything is different for me,” he sobbed. “Maybe I was lucky with what the fourth official said,” chortled Klopp after avoiding an Anfield rap.
Southampton defender Virgil van Dijk will miss the next three months with ankle-gah, while Bournemouth’s desperately unlucky Callum Wilson is done for the season after doing his cruciate again.
Gabriel Jesus is giving Pep Guardiola the feels after his display in Manchester City’s 4-0 hammering of West Ham. “It’s like a watermelon,” he cooed. “You have to open to see if it’s good or not. The prospect was good. Jesus is a fighter with instinct for the goal.” Twas ever thus.
Joining Mr Em and Dion Dublin in the Premier League 100 goal club got Peter Crouch giddy enough to bust out the robot and get Weird Uncle Fiver all hot during Stoke’s 1-1 draw with Everton. “I was under so much pressure to pull [it] out,” he sighed. “To be honest, it was a little bit rusty. I think I’ll put that one away now.”
And Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss Mark Warburton insists his team isn’t an absolute shambles when it comes to away games, following their 4-1 gubbing at Hearts. “We have gone to all these various other venues, Inverness, Partick, Dundee, Motherwell, we have won games of football very convincingly,” he parped. “You mean are we worried about going to those grounds? Not at all, absolutely not. I don’t understand that question one iota.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Defeat by Watford suggests the same-old ailments have returned to lay Arsenal low once again: “repetitive, episodic, jerky-form syndrome,” diagnoses Amy Lawrence as she runs the rule over Arsenal’s self-defeating cycle.
Footballing citizen o’the world Jonathan Wilson salutes the achievement of a Cameroon side shorn of many of their stars due to career-meh and ego-gah in reaching the Africa Cup of Nations semis.
Saido Berahino’s move to Stoke means that sorry saga at West Brom is over … almost, sighs Stuart James.
Some zingers in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Everyone’s talking about the lure of the Chinese Super League, what with its fiendish, never-used-before strategy of throwing wodges of cash at the feet of overseas stars, but what’s it like to coach there? Matt Ward of Shanghai Shenxin spills the beans to Matt Stanger.
Strolling back up from the Championship was supposed to be a breeze for Newcastle, but Rafa’s suffering a few too many hiccups and transfer hitches of late, causing Louise Taylor to wonder about owner Mike Ashley’s current strategy.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
