MONDAY NIGHT ROAR
Presuming that all right-thinking Sky Sports subscribers would be trying to drown out the sound of tedious, braying American golf fans roaring “MASHED POTATOES!” as they watched their team get crushed under the heel of European domination, the station did the decent thing by football fans on Sunday afternoon. In a broadcast you’d expect might fall foul of the Trade Descriptions Act, its “Super Sunday” was limited to one match, Cardiff’s defeat at the hands of Burnley. As fixtures go, it could scarcely exude less glamour if it featured in a papped photo on some famous sidebar of shame. There it is, looking ever so grotty, emerging from the supermarket with its hair in curlers, wearing no make-up, a baggy T-shirt and a dirty pair of Tracky-Bs.
No such accusations could be thrown at the Monday Night Football match between Bournemouth and Crystal Palace, as The Fiver has checked and it is unquestionably taking place on a Monday night and will almost certainly contain football. With their own-brand version of Liverpool’s speedy and exciting front three in Ryan Fraser, Josh King and Callum Wilson, Bournemouth had been terrorising assorted defences until last weekend’s surprise tonking at Burnley. Palace have been finding goals that little bit harder to come by, what with their own-brand version of Laurel & Hardy in Jordan Ayew and Christian Benteke. But hey, if they can prevent Wilf Zaha being kicked into Row Z, there’s always a chance of a goal.
Separated by a 31-year age gap, the Premier League’s oldest and youngest managers will find themselves in adjacent technical areas, when Eddie Howe (40) and Mr Roy (71) attempt to exhort their respective teams to victory. In an attempt to generate interest, the pair have gone all WWE, trash-talking in the build-up to the game. “I have always found [Mr] Roy to be a real gentleman,” I-tell-you-what-Mean-Gened Howe. “How he dealt with the England situation and that experience, I have nothing but respect for him,” he continued, prompting nervous twitching from the assembled security goons.
Mr Roy, by contrast, was equally dismissive of the young pretender, pointing out the young upstart from Bournemouth remains wet behind the ears. “MANAGERS LIKE EDDIE WILL FIND A WAY TO PROGRESS THEIR CAREERS AND MAKE THEM LAST AS LONG AS MINE OR OTHERS WITH LONG CAREERS BEHIND THEM!” he roared down the barrel of the camera to the sound of him ripping off his own shirt. “BUT I CERTAINLY DON’T ENVY THEM THEIR TASK OF HAVING TO DO THAT!” Here’s hoping the match between their sides boasts slightly more edge and needle, not to mention a heartwarming paucity of beered-up fans shouting: “GET IN THE GOAL!”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What would I tell [Lionel] Messi? To not come back any more. To retire. The under-15s lose and it is Messi’s fault, the fixture list in Argentina puts Racing against Boca and Messi is to blame. He is always to blame. Stop breaking my balls. I would tell him: ‘Don’t go anymore, man.’ Let’s see if they can handle that. Let’s see if they’re really big men. I wish he had told us all to [eff] off. Because he is not to blame for us not being world champions” – graceful as ever, Diego Maradona dishes out some advice.
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho insists he still has the support of Manchester United’s players, though he pointedly added that “some care more than others”.
Chelsea will play Fiorentina in the last 16 of Women’s Big Cup while the Uefa tombola pitted Glasgow City against Barcelona. Here’s the full draw.
Goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev has retired from international duty after captaining Russia to the quarter-finals of Ethics World Cup. “There is a beginning and an end to every story,” he sobbed. “I’m leaving with peace of mind. A very good and promising generation has appeared in Russia.”
Meanwhile, Mile Jedinak has called it a flamin’ day as a Socceroos player to focus on Aston Villa’s push to finish above Stoke in the lower reaches of the Championship. “Words will never be able to do justice to the feeling of immense pride I felt when representing Australia,” he sniffed.
Scottish police have appealed for help in their quest to identify the piece of work who injured a linesman by throwing an object from the stands during Livingston’s 1-0 win over the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers.
And Coventry goalkeeper Lee Burge is a doubt for Tuesday’s match against Portsmouth after being hit in the face by a puck while watching red-hot ice hockey action between Coventry Blaze and the Sheffield Steelers. “The club passes on their best wishes to Coventry City goalie Lee Burge who took a nasty blow to the face sat in the crowd last night,” said a Steelers suit. “These fluke incidents do happen at games and we’re sorry it was you in the firing line. Get well soon.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action. Ten of them. Right here.
Rachel Brown-Finnis reviews the latest round of games and storylines in the Women’s Super League, including that Manchester City 50-yard own goal.
La Liga: boring, uncompetitive and all that. Hang on, yells Sid Lowe.
Bayern’s wobble at Hertha has given their Bundesliga rivals reason to daydream that they might, just might, be involved in a passable title challenge, writes Andy Brassell.
Juve were in daunting form as He turned provider in the 3-1 win over Napoli, so says Paolo Bandini.
A stolen banner caused mayhem at Montpellier v Nimes and re-lit the touch paper on a pwopah nawty rivalry that had lain dormant for 25 years, write Ligue Urrrrrn aficionados Eric Devin and Adam White.
Richard Williams on Paul Pogba and, well, N’Golo Kanté.
And here’s Nick Ames on the farcical case of Italy’s Virtus Entella: the ‘ghost’ club without a league to play in.
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