Bard Billot on the Labour blatherer
Mates
"Mate," says Lord of Punishings Stu,
"Can we get a bit more enthusiastic
With the floggings and beheadings?"
"Sure, mate," replies Centurion Andronicus,
"Just give us the word, mate."
The mates companionably swill a yard of warm ale
And watch the cheery embers glow in the fireplace
Of that low tavern, the Lambton Pizzler.
Lord Stu turns to the High Magistrate
Of the Star Chamber, who is playing
A game of darts.
"Mate," says Lord Stu,
"Can we start using some blunt instruments
For public executions?"
"You got it, mate," winks the High Magistrate.
"But just for the ruffians and bandits," Stu adds.
"We don't want to bother the White Collar Rogues,
or anyone involved in the pine forest industry."
Just at that moment, Toad of Seymour enters stage right
to a blast of celestial trumpets,
clad in his fine pigskin leggings and wielding a pocket knife.
"Lo!", he exclaims.
"I am here to defend the Magna Carta,
The Rights of Man, and the constitutional integrity
Of our Realm! The separation of powers!
The right to remain silent! Etc."
He whips a parchment with a royal seal from his breeches.
"To the Tower with Lord Stu!"
Toad's henchmen rush forward with a hurrah,
And Stu, Ex Lord formerly known as Lord of Punishings,
is dragged off to the Tower
where he will await punishing by a blunt instrument
Along with Robbo the Red and assorted unfortunates
Who have displeased the Boy King.
Meanwhile, the hubbub dies down,
And Toad of Seymour orders a Strawberry Pi–a Colada.
"So, mates," he says,
Turning to the Centurion and the Magistrate.
"Isn"t it about time we started firing up the hot tongs
and getting some tough punishings going
for these ruffians and bandits?"
Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as Baron Luxon, Bishop Brian, Clarke Gayford, Mike Hosking, and Garrick Tremain.
