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An Ode for .. Simon Henry

By Victor Billot
Simon Henry. Photo: Today FM

The bard of the South on the wretch of the year

Out on a Lim
King Simon of DGL storms through the villages of the north, setting fire to the modest huts of the Eurasian Fluff and trampling their fresh fruit and vegetables under hoof. The scribblers of the Royal Press note his withering pronouncements; his legendary castle is filled neck high with gold doubloons. Further and further he marches, further away from his feudal lands where the Great Traditions hold fast, where nothing changes, and where the Word of Simon is Law and challenged by no man or fluff. Further and further he marches with his band of loyal and silent retainers into the strange steamy jungles of the 21st Century. But he comes to a stop: for there in the jungle clearing standing in his path is a bit of Eurasian Fluff holding a fearsome carrot in an aggressive stance. Lo, King Simon is taken with the humour of the situation. He guffaws! He slaps his thigh! Lookst here, O loyal retainers! This doughty Amazon dares to slow the mighty army of Simon! But there is no laughter; Lo, there is silence from the ranks. King Simon turns around but his retainers and loyal guardsmen have vanished into the mist. And behind the steamy foliage he sees a thousand eyes watching him: O horror! What is this diabolical trap? From the dark Eurasian undergrowth emerge endless ranks of Eurasian Fluff drawing sharpened carrots from their cleavages; and thus it was, that bloody vengeance was wreaked on Former King Simon and his neck high pile of gold doubloons. Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as Mike Hosking, Ashley Bloomfield, Clarke Gayford, Brian Tamaki, Dr Siouxsie Wiles, and Garrick Tremain.

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