Bard Billot on National's new tough guy
The Ballad of Ironballs Mitchell
Way out west, where the tumbleweeds roll, the rogues and varmints roam lawlessly in the badlands up beyond Budget Liquor Gulch and down south of the border in Meagre Prospects Mall. Sheriff Poto is missing on a Yogic Retreat preparing for her anti-varmint crystal vibration therapy session. The moonbeams have aligned on the correct frequency but the cigarettes and two dollar jewellery keep getting rustled, night after night. The locals sit around grousing in the Luxville Honky Tonk Saloon. "We need some rough justice," says Mayor Luxon. "Dang straight", yells Rancher Luxon. "Preach it brother," yodels Pastor Luxon. "You better put that all down in the newspaper, boy," says Luxville Chamber of Commerce President Luxon. "Most certainly!" says Editor Luxon of the Luxon Herald. Just then, through the doors slams Ironballs Mitchell. He thumps his six shooter down on the bar and calls for a bottle of rye. "Nothing doin'", says Bartender Luxon. "Them varmints ram raided the top shelf." Ironballs Mitchell stares in the distant distance. "Them varmints gonna pay," he growls. Ironball jumps up and strolls round the town square. "Get them nooses tightened up! Oil up the carbines!" So it was a posse of twenty brave young deputies came by the saloon saddled up and packing heat. Their leader salutes with a tear in his flinty eye. "Lead the way, Ironballs! We'll follow you to the gates of Hell." There is an uncomfortable silence. "Oh no, no, no!," chuckles Ironballs eventually. "Bandit wrastlin' is an operational matter and as new Head Sheriff, my duty is remain here at the Saloon and hold the fort and sign off press releases about getting tough on crime. Here's a map of the badlands, boys! And don't get yourself ambushed up a gulch." So it was the Rough Justice Posse of deputies left town at dusk on their pack mules by themselves; and as they wound their way through the mean hills up the back of Luxville towards the camps of the heavily armed bandits, they could just hear the distant sounds of an almighty good hoe down getting going back down at the Luxville Saloon. Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as Louise Wallace, Mike Hosking, Clarke Gayford, Brian Tamaki, and Garrick Tremain.
