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An Ode for .. Chlöe Swarbrick

The MP and star of a coming, publicly funded, fly-on-the-wall documentary. Photo: Lynn Grieveson

He/him bard Victor Billot on Elfess Chlöe  

Toad and Elf Together

Lady Chlöe of the Forest Elves dances her way across the woke glades to the tuneful warbling of pan pipes. Around her flutter pink nonbinary unicorns: though the wing'd unicorns are loyally pledged to Queen Cindy the Kind, they have momentary unfaithful impulses and start to flicker between green and pink, such is the charisma of the young Elfess Chlöe who rules over her tiny inner city elf hermitage. Yet a shadow falls over the Queendom. Lo, for many disapprove of the Elvish Ways. The yeomanry with their 96 wheeler carts belching pungent acrid smoke disapproveth. "Without our herds of flatulent wildebeest, none in the Queendom could afford to pay nine hundred groats for a rind of cheese!" Yet what does Lady Chlöe care for white gold? The Forest Elves propose a dancing economy of brass buttons, green silks and silver shoes. And so the city dwellers of Queens Landing swoon when Lady Chlöe dances down the Quay of Lambton, forgetting their cares, and their vast oppressive debts to the slum lords and merchant usurers from ANZ. Chattering scribes surround Lady Chlöe and the Pharisees are moved by the joyful scenes and command two hundred thousand groats to commission a sweet portrait of the Elven Beauty. "No more!" comes a commanding croak. "This shall not stand!" There squats Glowering Magenta Warty Cane Toad Seymour; curs'd these many long years past to wear the form of a scabrous amphibian. Seymour demandeth equal promotional funding: for why should the fair Elvish lady be honoured and not a plain yet honest neoliberal Toad such as himself? Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as Trevor Mallard, Mike Hosking, Clarke Gayford, Brian Tamaki, and Garrick Tremain.