Bard Billot on the bald Baron
Baron Luxon the Kind
Baron Luxon stands at the Gates of the High Keep of Queen's Landing. For long months his army has besieged the Red Empress in her redoubt, and his troops are ragged and weary. "Lo," proclaims the Baron astride his mighty war stallion, Titanic. "Liege men! Fellow nobles! Loyal serfs! Our land is under the yoke of tyranny. The good shopkeepers of the hamlets are ransacked daily by hordes of raiders from the Land of Ram. Some say we need a firm response but I will be a generous and merciful King. I understand the pressures on modern youth, and the nasty swamps the people of Ram inhabit. Frankly, as a society we need to show greater awareness of the socio-economic factors contributing to knavery and hooliganism. I will show more kindness yet than the Red Queen herself! I will institute an evidence-based policy for restorative justice, and listen to the other side of the story, and reports will be done, and we will not be exclusive but inclusive, yea, for a Christian King follows the example of the Good Lord who walketh amongst the prostitutes and rogues and bedleggers." The Baron stops and mops his brow, which has begun to sweat profusely. There is muttering and dismay in the ranks. The good burghers of the House of Blue wish not to hear of progressive negotiations with the Raiders of Ram; they desireth to hear of floggings and spikings. But lo! Just in time, a Spin Minion rushes up and hands a scrap of parchment to the Baron. "Oh," says the Baron with relief, "there has been a mix up in my speech notes. We are NOT going to show mercy and kindness and understanding to the Raiders of Ram: but instead mercy and kindness will be showered upon our Loyal Kinsman Young Sam the Impaler, who is rejoining our ranks forthwith after his entirely forgivable horseplay! Three Cheers for Sam of the House of Uff!" At that moment, Young Sam is wheeled on in his straitjacket and Dr Lecter facemask to rapturous applause and hoorahs from the assembled troops of the House of Blue. And lo, the only sound louder than the hoorahs is the sound of scythes and pitchforks being sharpened: for the teenaged warriors of the Land of Ram will not be receiving the impunity and second chances afforded to certain others.
Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as Bishop Brian, the Prime Minister, Mike Hosking, and Garrick Tremain.
