NATION STATE
In January 1982, a groundbreaking new quiz-show debuted to great fanfare on ITV. Top of the World was a joint production between Thames Television, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation and PBS in America, and its format was simple. Three contestants in London, Sydney and Miami would answer questions by satellite about Britain, Australia and America; in the next round, they would be quizzed on their chosen specialist subject, unless they were that week’s returning champion, in which case general knowledge would do; then there was a buzzer round requiring a time lag to allow signals to get around the world and back. The winner returned the following week, though players also competed against 11 other contestants from their own countries across a number of episodes, and eventually the three most successful qualified for the grand final, with the eventual victor (true story) given the keys to one of the cars used in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Tens of viewers worldwide were glued to their sets, and the show was cancelled after one series.
Someone in Switzerland was obviously watching, though, because the format of the new Uefa Nations League is a similarly byzantine international affair. The 55 members of Uefa have been split into four leagues based on their Uefa rankings, A, B, 3 and δ, with each league being further divided into four groups of four, or maybe three, whatever, depends really. The three or four teams in the four groups in the four leagues play each other twice, home and away. Then there’s an obstacle race, and a hot-dog eating competition. The winners of each group are then promoted to the higher league, while the losers are relegated. In addition, each league is guaranteed at least four play-off spots in the Euro 2020 qualification process, although if a group winner has already qualified through the normal channels the spot goes to the next best team. Meanwhile the group winners in League A go through to a Final Four knockout tournament to decide the overall winner, and this is what happens when you put middle management in charge of the creative process.
The draw was made on Wednesday morning, and in fairness League A, Group 1 looks quite good fun, containing as it does the world champions Germany alongside arch rivals France and the Netherlands. That should be entertaining, providing the big clubs send all of their big stars, which they won’t. Elsewhere, England face Spain and Croatia in League A, Group 4; Northern Ireland will meet Bosnia & Herzogovina and Austria in League B, Group 3; the Republic of Ireland have the chance to once again irritate Wales and humiliate themselves against Denmark in League B, Group 4; and Scotland are lumped in with Israel and Albania in glamorous League C, Group 1. By being drawn in League C’s only three-team group, the Scots have caught something of a break: there’s a better chance of winning the section! Or they’ll only have to suffer four spirit-sapping defeats instead of six. Depends how you want to look at it.
All the group matches will take place between September and November later this year, while the Final Four semis, third-place play-off and final will take place the following June. The winner will receive the newly minted Uefa Nations League Trophy, a curly bit of tin designed by That’ll Do Artisan Panelbeaters Ltd. As prizes go, it’s not quite as aesthetically pleasing as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but probably more practical on a day-to-day basis, if you don’t already have a bowl for loose change, car keys, pills for your nerves, etc. And at least Uefa is trying something new. The whole idea, of course, is to get rid of all those international friendlies nobody cares about. Which to give Uefa credit, they’ve successfully done, replacing them with an international tournament nobody cares about or understands. We give it one series.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
9 January 2018: “We are there to set an example” – Martin Glenn lays out one of the FA’s key roles.
24 January 2018: “Following comments made a number of years ago I would like to clarify that they were not and are not a true and genuine reflection of either my character or beliefs, and would like to apologise” – The FA issues a statement from Phil Neville in response to sexist tweets on his account before he was appointed the new England women’s head coach. Tweets the FA knew about before appointing him.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“The most significant reason for updating the crest is that, quite simply, it doesn’t say who we are. The abbreviation rather than the spelling out of [Nasty] Leeds United contributes to the crest being unrecognisable. It was important for us to achieve the following:
• Reflect who we are as a Club and remain authentic
• Celebrate the fans
• Be bold, brave and innovative
• Say who we are with pride: We are [Nasty] Leeds United” – Nasty Leeds marketing gurus give good meeting, explaining in bold, brave and innovative bullet points, the reasoning behind their new antacid-referencing club crest. Another example of what happens when you put middle management in charge of the creative process. See if you can do better here.
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FIVER LETTERS
“We really live in a post-satire society where it’s impossible to invent anything more ridiculous than reality don’t we?” – Noble Francis.
“Over the last few days we’ve seen an outpouring of affection for two gifted footballers and thoroughly decent human beings. This has only happened because they’ve died, which has added to the poignancy of the tributes. I know the Fiver is usually the resting place of the world-weary and cynical, but I also know you’re all lapsed idealists. So, which footballers as well-liked as Cyrille Regis and Jimmy Armfield should we know about, without them having to go and die on us?” Matt Emerson.
“Further to Tim Scanlan’s glad tidings (Tuesday’s Fiver Letters), boosting Stoke’s hopes of the title, I should add that we have to play Manchester City at home on 10 March in a game whose goals will count double – each one that we score will simultaneously improve our goal difference and worsen theirs. Should we get double figures we’d scarcely need to average 3.5 goals in all our other matches to be slurping champagne out of the Premier League trophy come May” – David Carr
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Argentinian striker Guido Carrillo is set to join Liverpool in 2019 after Southampton agreed a £19.1m deal for the Monaco striker.
Antonio Conte has prompted the nation’s string sections to reach for their smallest violins with his lament that Chelsea’s spending power is not strong enough to lure the likes of Alexis Sánchez to the Bridge. “We were never in this race for Sánchez, ever,” he sobbed.
As if to prove the point, Pep Guardiola wants to add Aymeric Laporte and Fred to his Man City stable.
In other transfer news West Ham want Inter’s João Mário on loan to sort-of cover for the knacked Manuel Lanzini.
STILL WANT MORE?
Where have all the flowers goals gone, croons Peter, Paul Wilson and Mary .
Come for the Keep Calm and Carry On pun in the headline, stay for Martin Laurence’s appreciation of Claude Puel at Leicester City.
The appointment of Phil Neville to manage the England Women’s team is a kick in the teeth for better-qualified coaches, says Louise Taylor.
Managers who also happen to be their club’s owners: The Knowledge this week spotlights football’s gaffers who also run the gaff.
Bristol City may have missed out on a Wembley final after their narrow defeat to Manchester City, but they can build on this to reach the top flight, roars Ben Fisher.
The relentless marketing, sponsorship and advertising by betting firms in football is exposing fans to the threat of gambling addiction, writes David Conn.
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