TAKE IT AWAY GABRIELLE …
If dreams are the fulfilment of repressed wishes, then Manchester United are gloriously free, free, free! Because they no longer appear to have any dreams, meaning none of their wishes remain unfulfilled. Apparently what they crave most deeply is to knock the ball sideways forever, or at least until Marouane Fellaini joins the fun and Wayne Rooney drops deep to launch punts in the giant Belgian’s general direction, turning every match into a day at the driving range or an interminable game of pass the parcel in which nothing is ever unwrapped, no gifts even glimpsed. Canny Louis van Gaal is making these wishes come true. Old Trafford has become the Theatre of Fulfilment. Pay your £50 and be glad.
And yet, there were ingrates at Old Trafford on Wednesday night. You could tell by the angry, even sad boos that accompanied the final whistle of the Big Cup meeting with PSV, which was a lot like meetings in workplaces across the world, many people trying to give the impression they had something useful to say but only ever stating the obvious, albeit while looking dead important.
In fairness to Rooney, he at least did not attempt to convince punters that the 0-0 bore was a beautiful triumph, or maybe he did but just failed miserably, which is how things are going for him these days, after all. “We need to score more goals as a team,” explained Rooney, whose side must gain an unlikely victory at Wolfsburg in their last match to be sure of reaching the next stage, where two of Van Gaal’s former clubs, Barcelona and Bayern Munich, would only be too happy to greet his new team with a dozen or so hearty slaps. “I feel we showed a lack of composure which put ourselves under pressure a lot of times,” continued Rooney before adding: “It’s a learning curve for us, but we can’t keep on saying it’s a learning curve.” Sure you can: repeatedly saying the same blunt thing is quite a poetic way to sum up United’s new approach.
Actually, that is a little harsh. Van Gaal knows perfection has not yet been attained. He has repeatedly explained that what United need is a rapid attacker – not like Ángel Di María, apparently – someone such as Him, whom United are said to be keen on luring back to the Theatre of OK Not Quite Totally Fulfilled Yet. That is the one missing ingredient in Van Gaal’s masterful recipe: a player so phenomenally talented that he can make virtually any half-baked plan look a treat. Cunning.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I love a bargain. Who does not love a bargain? I don’t know many people that don’t like a bargain” – either Arsène Wenger is discussing plans to strengthen Arsenal’s midfield in January or he wants a piece of that red-hot daytime BBC action.
STAMP DUTY
9 September: “I find it somewhat offensive when I receive a letter from a supporter of our club asking me to sack the manager … I am happy with the way I invest my time, effort and money in the managerial staff we have at Colchester United so if you are thinking of writing to me about my manager’s future, please save your stamps” – chairman Robbie Cowling gets funky after receiving fan-mail calling on manager Tony Humes to be axed, saying why he doesn’t believe in a “quick fix”.
26 November: Ah.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: ‘Shoreditch hipsters welcoming the news that St Pauli have won back merchandising rights to their skull and crossbones logo’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Can I be the first of 1,057 true football hipster pedants to point out that this news is not so good for East Berlin’s anti-establishment 1 FC Union Berlin (who you might remember from the World Cup Living Room or their annual Christmas Carol service)? Union has now found itself in the position of having its merchandise manufactured by one of its rivals (as St Pauli now owns Upsolut, Union’s manufacturering partner and decided to end the contract early). Surely this means that St Pauli should now be detested by all true hipsters as fat cats and sellouts (and yes, I’m aware that I’m treading a very thin line between mocking hipsters and making a very hipster ‘your team aren’t as cool as mine and I was there first’ argument). Eisern Union!” – Tom Herne.
“Something has irked me for a few weeks since Jürgen Klopp became Liverpool manager. I was sure I’d seen those comedy glasses of his somewhere before and, after seeing his pic in Wednesday’s Fiver, it suddenly struck me … he is The Bofa on The Sofa in Dr Seuss’s ‘There’s a Wocket in my Pocket’. The Bofa doesn’t seem to care, and nor, apparently according to Jürgen’s quote, does he for most of the time” – Paul Snowdon.
“Congratulations on keeping us all entertained with your predictions each time there’s an MBM – you got closer to the Arsenal result than the programme editor for Met Police on Wednesday night. Mentioning that the mighty Tonbridge Angels beat the Police 3-0 may seem churlish. Then again …” – Ian Sargeant.
“I’ve been racking my brains all week to try and compose a witty email in order to win a copy of Relationship Destroyer 2016. Unfortunately it was all for nothing because even if The Fiver over-lords were to deem one of my emails worthy enough to win the game, I’d no longer be able to play it, what with me having gouged my own eyes out during Manchester United’s Big Cup draw with PSV” – Adrian Foster.
“Re: archaic childhood football rules (Fiver letters passim). In primary school whenever I took a shot or clearance to the face (which tended to happen quite often), in order to stop me from crying and ease the burden of opponents’ ridicule, my fellow team-mates would shout ‘Great Header!’ regardless of where the ball went or under what circumstances the impact occurred. In order to stop me from crying whenever I read another boring childhood football anecdote/rule, could The Fiver add ‘Great Header!’ at the end to ease the pain?” – Nick Crossley.
“When I was a kid the ‘Penalty or goal’ rule was always overruled if said penalty didn’t result in a goal by the ‘It’s my ball and I’m taking it home rule’ or the ‘Kick the ball under the nearest car in temper rule’. Surely a sponsor’s dream at Euro 2016 to wheel on a car for all to see while Wayne Rooney attempts to get the ball under a Ford Capri” – Simon Withey.
“Speaking of school playground mannerisms, ‘Prison Rules’ was a personal favourite of mine. Often it would be when we were playing a year group a few years younger than us during lunch. It tended to be instigated when the smallest player on the pitch had the ball; one of the ‘older lads’ would yell ‘PRISON RULES!’ and all hell would break loose and it would turn into a free-for-all with stomach-high two-footed lunges as a minimum. Illegal? Possibly. Common assault? Probably? Great fun? Absolutely” – Alex Whitehouse.
“Re: ‘Locksmiths in Kiev are welding shut the entrances at Dynamo Kyiv’s stadium’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Were all the local welders busy?” – Alex Metcalfe (and others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Paul Snowdon, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Rémi Garde has ditched Union Jack Grealish from the Aston Villa squad that will lose 2-0 at home to Watford on Saturday after the midfielder was seen enjoying himself in a trendy Manchester nightspot after the 4-0 loss at Everton instead of, presumably, hitting himself with bamboo sticks like a good boy should. “This is not professional. It is not what is expected from my players,” growled Garde.
“A defeat like Saturday’s [against Barcelona] would have any coach trembling in his boots, but if there’s anyone who knows how to tackle and overcome this sort of situation, it’s you” – former Valencia striker Mista writes an open letter to Rafa Benítez, erm, on Rafa Benítez’s personal website, praising the Real Madrid coach to the heavens.
Fifa’s ethics committee has donated the 48 £16,000 watches handed out in goodie bags to big cheeses last year to charidee.
Kelvin Thomas has completed his takeover of Northampton Town.
Joe Hart will undergo a scan to assess how twanged his hamstring is after he was substituted during Manchester City’s 1-0 Big Cup defeat at Juventus. “We hope we don’t lose him, but if for some reason he cannot play I have trust in Wi11y Caballero,” honked Manuel Pellegrini.
And Chelsea’s Plain Old John Terry and Branislav Ivanovic are on a 55-man shortlist for Fifpro’s best in the world XI that’s good for a chuckle if nothing else.
STILL WANT MORE?
Our football writers check through the runners and riders in the Premier League title chase and the race for Europe.
This week’s Classic YouTube is a good ‘un all right, featuring Scott Brown flogging Queen’s Celtic onesies, loads of other footballers disgracing themselves in adverts for a few shillings and Lionel Messi being so good he even makes himself sick.
Simon Burnton and Jacob Steinberg review this week’s Big Cup action so that you don’t have to, featuring bubbly Barça, rickety Real and careless Casillas.
Jonathan Wilson delves into his huge football brain, and reaches right past the tactical analysis of BSK Beograd’s 1939-40 season that he’s been storing up for some time, and brings you a rundown of five terrible title defences, from Manchester City in 1938 to Nasty Leeds in 1993.
Read an extract from David Goldblatt’s Game of Our Lives, a survey of football in the post-Thatcher era that has just won the William Hill Sport Book of the Year gong.
The Fiver’s Dutch cousin, tulip-growing, Edam-chomping Henk van der Layd Bakk Unnecessary vowels Fiiiver, wasn’t around to make a video about the history of PSV Eindhoven. Thankfully, Martino Simcik Arese was.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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