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The Guardian - UK

Sport

Jacob Steinberg

An immortal blob of energy imparting wisdom from space

Nothing quite like some London Colney scene-setter action, eh? Oh. Photograph: Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC via Getty Images

ARSENAL’S HIGH PRIEST

When Arsène Wenger said that he’s “a specialist in masochism”, things briefly got a bit intense in The Fiver household. Granny Fiver spat her tea out in disgust before getting started on a letter of complaint to The Arsenal Football Club, while Weird Uncle Fiver gleefully rubbed his thighs for a few minutes. He had that excited look in his eyes, the one he gets whenever he thinks he’s spotted a kindred spirit in a respected public figure. It wasn’t long before he was phoning the Arsenal club shop to enquire about their range of mankinis, at which point an increasingly panic-ridden Fiver had no choice but to intervene and gently break him the bad news.

For it turns out that Wenger was actually talking about the stress of football management before Arsenal visit Liverpool on Saturday evening. Which, upon reflection, Weird Uncle Fiver agreed made much more sense than the thing he was thinking about. Granny Fiver also calmed down and stuffed her half-written letter down her throat, so things were soon back to normal inside the kitchen. The mood is similarly calm in north London. Apparently on the verge of a nervous breakdown after humiliations against Bayern Munich and Chelsea, Arsenal’s recent heroic win over Sutton United has understandably sent optimism flowing through Wenger once more.

The critics will be feeling even more stupid if Arsenal move four points clear of Jürgen Klopp’s Liverpool in the race to finish in the top four, so it’s no wonder Wenger is thinking about scrawling his name on the two-year contract that remains on offer at the Emirates. He’s nobly ruled himself out of contention for the Barcelona job in the summer, correctly judging that he probably wouldn’t be suitable for a role that requires a manager to win something of importance more than every 15 years or so, and he’s in chirpy, philosophical mode again, likening managers to “football priests”.

Far be it from The Fiver to suggest that Wenger is like a religious leader grimly clinging on to power, although it does sometimes get slightly worrying when the Frenchman predicts that a wave of famine and pestilence would fall over Islington if he’s ever forced out of his job, warning mortals should be careful what they wish for, even it is just a grown-up title challenge every now and then. [We would like to point out that Wenger definitely isn’t running a cult at Arsenal – Fiver Lawyers.] And look here! Wenger even says he’ll know exactly when it’s time to quit and insists that his bosses can sack him whenever they like. Presumably when he rises to a higher field of consciousness and becomes an immortal blob of energy imparting wisdom from space. And who knows when that’s going to happen!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“He was a symbolic player and a forerunner. His career with his clubs, as with the France team, was exceptional. Everyone has and will keep in their memory his exploits which will remain unequalled. He was a player and a man of unique class” – FFF president Noël Le Graët pays tribute to the great Raymond Kopa, who has died aged 85. And here’s Brian Glanville with Kopa’s obituary.

Raymond Kopa: 1931-2017. Photograph: INA via Getty Images

FIVER LETTERS

“So Andy Carroll ‘could have had China in his hands’ but turned it down (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). I guess his heart and soul just wasn’t in it” – Nick Parish.

“If he fails to secure employment on the football front, at least Luis Enrique has a lifetime of Tommy Tiernan stand-in gigs available if he wishes” – Seamus Scanlon.

“I see Mr Roy opened the batting for England in West Indies. Does this mean that Shakespeare is now a shoo-in for the Leicester job? I guess Mr Roy just wasn’t cut out for the Foxes but all’s well that ends well/comedy of errors/as you like it, etc and so on” – Antony Melvin.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nick Parish.

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And we’ve now got tickets available for an evening with Ray Parlour and Andrew Cole on 13 March. Get them here.

BITS AND BOBS

Fernando Torres is out of hospital following a sickening head collision during Atlético Madrid’s 1-1 draw at Deportivo that left him unconscious.

Getting all up in an assistant referee’s grill has cost Aston Villa’s Leandro Bacuna a six-match ban.

Kevin Grosskreutz is doing one from Stuttgart after he was involved in a city centre fight on Monday. “I don’t want anything to do with football for the time being,” he said.

Like Arsène Wenger, Sevilla coach Jorge Sampaoli has also dismissed rumours linking him with Barça, albeit in even more dramatic fashion. “I am connected with this sporting project at Sevilla to death,” he claimed.

José Mourinho insists he’s not a monster … he’s just ahead of the curve. “I’m not such a bad guy, an arrogant guy, a difficult person to work with,” he bugled. “At least until now nobody at the training ground runs away when I arrive.”

And Michael Carrick, 72, admits he’ll probably put himself out to pasture if United don’t offer him another contract.