The White House has announced a new campaign to encourage immigrants living in the United States legally to attain citizenship ahead of next year’s presidential election. Here are some ideas to help them speed up the complicated naturalization process.
Attain Median Obesity
The United States has one of the highest obesity rates in the world, so anyone interested in joining up better start packing on the pounds if they want to fit in. The message on the Statue of Liberty mentions “huddled masses yearning to breathe free”, but if that breath isn’t a sort of wheeze you’re going to stand out like a sore thumb. Sure, fattening up will put you at risk for a variety of health problems, but there’s nothing more typically American than dying due to an inability to navigate our complicated and expensive health system.
Provide proof of overwhelming debt
Being an American means investing in the American economy well past the point of responsibility. This is an easy one to pull off, actually – whenever you’re about to make a purchase, check if they have a bigger version of what you’re interested in buying. If they don’t make it in a larger size, order two. The sweat that pours off your brow upon receiving your next credit card statement is watering the tree of liberty.
Have extreme opinions about football
It doesn’t matter if you love football more than your family or spend the off season drafting withering tweets about how overpaid the players are, what matters is that you refuse to embrace the humanity of anyone who doesn’t share your opinion. (If in your home country you already love soccer, football is pretty much the same. The corruption is a little more subtle, that’s probably the biggest difference.)
Trust your instincts
If global warming is real, why does it still snow sometimes? They say vaccinations are harmless, but my stepbrother’s cousin knew a guy in college whose sister had her kid vaccinated, and the kid went cross-eyed. Sure I could do some research or trust in what the experts have to say, but I’d rather follow my instincts, which tell me to trust the word of politicians whose billion dollar corporate backers almost definitely carefully fact check and forbid them from expressing any kind of bias.
Learn to live with contradictions
Over the summer I was sitting on the beach and overheard a man complaining about how entitled liberals are, how they wanted to ban the public display of confederate flags because they felt entitled to always get their way. He said that for him the flag represented his heritage, and made him happy, and why should he have to stop being happy just because it offended someone else? He didn’t see the a flaw in that argument, and if you’re going to be an American citizen you better not, either.
Become blind to America’s faults and respond to criticism with extreme outrage
Americans are all about freedom of speech as long as that speech it is their own, especially in this golden era of knee-jerk reactions where it’s possible to post comments and tweets faster than you experience moments of introspection. If you want to be an American citizen, learn how to react now and ask questions never, since asking questions is for people from countries founded upon much less invigorating rhetoric.
