A FAMILIAR TUNE
While the Duchess of Sussex, Brighton’s newest celebrity fan, opted for a Givenchy wedding dress with boatneck neckline, long sleeves and an even longer train at Saturday’s Royal Wedding, belt and braces were very much in vogue at the day’s other aristocratic event some miles away at Wembley Stadium. Both José Mourinho and Antonio Conte went for an identical, monotonously predictable safety-first approach in Saturday’s FA Cup final, with the latter’s being heavily criticised by the former, who somehow managed to keep a straight face as he mournfully described Chelsea’s tactics as “so predictable”, announced that “I don’t think they deserve to win” and managed to imply Manchester United’s defeat was entirely down to the absence of a Belgian battering-ram in whose direction the ball could be hoofed, if only that battering-ram hadn’t selfishly decided to prioritise participating in the World Cup with his country over trying to win the FA Cup with his club.
In a further boost to Belgium’s World Cup hopes, José picked Phil Jones ahead of Eric Bailly, having previously claimed he was resting the Ivorian so that other Manchester United players could stake their claim for World Cup starting spots. After performing his latest impression of an ageing shire horse locked in a spinning tumble-dryer while conceding the penalty that decided the match, The Fiver is struggling to shake the feeling that United’s manager might have done the defender more of a favour by picking somebody else instead.
While José looks likely to be rewarded for Saturday’s failure with a £150m summer war-chest to buy some defenders of his own choosing, Antonio Conte’s prize for winning his second trophy in as many seasons for Chelsea may well come in the form of a P45, a hefty pay-out and a hobnailed boot towards the Stamford Bridge door marked “Do One”. Having said he has no control over what happens next while simultaneously conveying the impression that he’s not too fussed either, it was left to his players to discuss the Italian’s future. “What I can say is that the players do not have any impact on the situation,” chirped Gary Cahill, while Willian, a starter of just four full games for Chelsea this season under Conte, tried to prove otherwise courtesy of several – since-deleted – strategically placed emojis.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I once showed Vincent Kompany to his seat. Scotland played Belgium and I was told to show Kompany to his seat and give him a programme. He won’t remember it” – unassuming, Big Cup final-bound Liverpool left-back Andy Robertson gets his chat on with Donald McRae. Read.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on the flamin’ sacrosanct Socceroos.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Despite some killjoy recently pointing out that if you put worms in a can you’d simply kill the worms [unless you’d provided them with a bespoke oxygen supply inside? – Fiver Ed], Football Weekly discusses José Mourinho opening said cans of said worms. And plenty more.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
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FIVER LETTERS
“Latest edition of The Fiver is highly objectionable. Written by a member of the leftist, luvvie elite, who clearly had nothing but contempt for millions of ordinary people who follow football and are interested in the royal marriage. He writes as if these are a crime against his version of decency. Appalling writing from a newspaper that should know better but I fear that like the Labour party, the Guardian has been taken over by the Islington elite. You’ve clearly forgotten your roots. Sad. In fact, worse than sad. I was right earlier. Appalling” – Stephen Edwards.
“Here’s a stat all optimistic England fans would love to hear and it’s all about Pep Guardiola. The last two world champions had Pep in their leagues in the seasons before the World Cups; Barcelona (Spain won in 2010) and Bayern Munich (Germany in 2014) …” – Frank Chibundu Agu.
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THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho wants Toby Alderweireld to beef up his defence.
Faced with the harrowing prospect of picking Leroy Sa … Raheem Ste … Bernardo Sil … well, Pep Guardiola already has a good few handy attackers, but he plans to complicate his choices further by signing Riyad Mahrez.
Emre Can is halfway out the Anfield exit, destination Juventus.
Stoke City are sniffing around Derby manager Gary Rowett.
Mauricio Sarri has given a nod and a wink to anyone getting excited about him replacing Antonio Conte at Chelsea.
Gigi Buffon’s love of the game – the game! – looks like taking him to PSG.
Radja Nainggolan reacted to news that Nacer Chadli was selected for Belgium’s World Cup squad and he wasn’t, by promptly retiring from international football.
Speaking of which, Spain are taking the now good Iago Aspas, but aren’t taking the now not-so-good Álvaro Morata.
And the Queen’s Celtic are revelling in a second consecutive domestic treble, with a dig in the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers’ ribs while they’re at it. “It’s not a conversation,” tooted Brendan Rodgers insisted. “Talk about Aberdeen. Aberdeen were second. Talk about them.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Farewell Nando, you were really good. Sid Lowe goes into a little more detail in his piece about the departing Fernando Torres, but that’s the gist.
Lazio soiling the bed and missing out on Big Cup to Inter could cause them some long-term problems, so says Paolo Bandini.
Speaking of an Italian team making a complete mess of things, Paolo also wrote about a World Cup stunning moment: when the Azzurri were booted from the 2002 World Cup by South Korea.
Bad week for Marseille: they suffered a second Europe-related kick in the pants in four days: after losing Big Vase final, they missed out on qualification for Big Cup by stuffing things up this weekend.
“I don’t feel the fear”: Terminkeeper Maunel Neuer told Grant Wahl that he needs your clothes, your boots and your moto … no, hang on: he talked about being a thoroughly modern goalie, and other stuff too.
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