Julian has fallen off his bike. “Fallen off his bike” doesn’t really do justice to the accident. He skidded in the frozen Pennines of Northumberland and went head first into a cattle grid, doing serious damage to his face. The road race at the Rio Olympics looks like a pedal in the park compared with this. Still, Julian managed to get back on his bike and cycle another three miles to a pub where they called the air ambulance to take him to hospital in Newcastle. Of the three cases in An Hour to Save Your Life (BBC2), he’s looking the most likely to be OK.
Because, in London, Martin has come off his moped and been run over by a bin lorry. “Anything versus a bin lorry, the anything tends to come off worse,” says the paramedic. And one of the wheels of this bin lorry went over Martin’s head and neck. On the recording, the man who called 999 suspects he is dead.
And, at a gym, policeman David pretty much is dead. He is in cardiac arrest – his colleagues have been kneading him to keep the blood moving and some oxygen getting to his brain until the experts arrive, but it looks forlorn.
So hangy-offy-facey Julian might not look very pretty, but he’s conscious at least, walking and talking. I’m less worried about him. Lucky, then, that I’m not in charge. At the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle, emergency doctor Cian notices a change in him. “My gut tells me there’s something going on with this patient,” he says.
It’s interesting hearing a doctor talking like this, in terms of hunches as well as symptoms and science. But it’s what makes the programme so brilliant and fascinating (also a bit different from Channel 4’s 24 Hours in A&E, which is more about the people involved, the human story). New technology and developments might have brought emergency medicine closer – in space and time – to the accident, but it is still a puzzle of infinite complexity that has to be solved against the pressure of a ticking clock.
Hell, it’s tense. I’d like to hook myself up to a heart monitor to see what just watching this programme is doing to me. Again, luckily for Julian, I have nothing to do with looking after him. Doc Cian remains calm, listens to his hunches and keeps investigating. Turns out Julian ruptured the carotid artery in his neck during the crash, which caused a stroke, and now the pressure is building up inside his head, damaging his brain. The only way to release the pressure is by sawing off a massive piece of his skull …
Suddenly, Julian is the big worry for the terrifying postscript bit at the end of these shows. He’s ... OK! Well, apart from having a large section of his head missing (it looks like a punctured ball) and not being able to walk, but he’s working on that, and he considers himself lucky. The other two, Martin and David? Fine, obviously. Pretty much good as new, though also thankful, and possibly more sanguine in their outlooks on life.
***
First Dates (Channel 4) returns, which is also brilliant – so much better than the same channel’s more recent dating show Naked Attraction. It is quite amusing, teehee, for a minute or two, to see willies and fannies on the telly. And then boring, because the format is rigid and restrictive. And because it doesn’t seem to have much bearing on real life (unless that’s how it works these days – you start with a dick pic and take it from there?). And because, on television anyway, willies and fannies are actually less interesting than the people attached to them.
First Dates is very much about these people, lonely people looking to share themselves. When it doesn’t work – when there’s nothing there, or there on one side only – it’s unbearable. Like Abbey the boat builder who is not used to dressing up, but tonight she’s made an effort – an actual dress and makeup. But still she is too much of a tomboy for James. Come on, man, she builds boats. What’s not to love about that? Your loss.
And when it works, it’s lovely. Like Irish Damian who has Tourette syndrome (Channel 4 can’t resist), but that doesn’t put off giant model Kai with the perfect teeth. And podiatrist Felicity from Billericay and cocky city boy Jethro. They’ve both been known to scare people off; they’ve both got weird dances (he does the matrix, she the crab). They’re perfect for each other – he can bend right over while she does her pincer thing, together, forever.
