TONIGHT’S TV AND RADIO
Seventy-eight years ago to the day, Arsenal took part in the first ever live televised football match. It was a glorified training session against their own second string, barely of interest even to the few hundred homes in north London capable of receiving a signal from the bent coat-hanger gaffer-taped to the top of the BBC’s pile at Ally Pally. But it was a groundbreaking event nonetheless. It’s apt, then, that Arsenal celebrate this anniversary tonight by making another appearance on a channel nobody’s watching, BT Sport, as they disappear behind the digital curtain to face Dinamo Zagreb in Big Cup. Oh ITV! We hardly knew ye!
Whether this game matches Arsenal v Arsenal Reserves as an exercise in armchair-bound futility is a moot point. On the one hand, it could prove quite a test for Arsène Wenger’s side, who will be without Danny Welbeck (knee), Per Mertesacker (minor road traffic accident) and Jack Wilshere (SNIP! - Fiver lawyer), because Zagreb haven’t lost a match in 11 months, a streak that stretches back 41 games. On the other, Arsenal somehow always qualify from the groups of Big Cup, only to crash out in the first knockout stage – the Round of Arsenal – with metronomic frequency. So whatever happens tonight is likely to make little or no difference to how the whole affair pans out. Tune in, folks!
That’s not stopping Wenger, perhaps taking pity on BT Sport, trying his hardest to talk up tonight’s programme. “We have to play at our best as our last visit was a very tough game,” he brazenly insisted, with reference to a lovely 3-0 win back in 2006. “We needed to be patient against a very strong side,” he added, a statement of pragmatic intent which perhaps undid some of the earlier work he’d put into the big sell. Not that Wenger will fret too much over tonight’s result, never mind the viewing figures, because if the tenuous parallels drawn by The Fiver are anything to go by, the best is yet to come. Arsenal followed their 1937 BBC appearance with a 4-1 win in the league on the following Saturday. And oh! Look! Here come struggling Chelsea! José Mourinho may be glad that match is due to be transmitted on BT Sport, too. After all, if a team loses three matches in a row, but nobody is around to see it ...
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can exclusively reveal it’s genuine, dispatched at the request of incumbents within the locale” – Queen’s Celtic supporter liaison officer, John Paul Taylor, confirms that the club have written to their own supporters to remind them to wash after fans complained of a smelly crowd member.
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“Being certified by an internationally recognised professional body as a project management professional, it always amuses me when clubs refer to their ‘project’, with the definition of a project being something that is a temporary endeavour. However, Tuesday’s reference to José’s commitment to Chelsea’s project made me wonder whether José isn’t also a certified project manager?” – James Woolford, PMP.
• Send your letters tothe.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: James Woolford.
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BITS AND BOBS
The captain of the Iranian women’s football team, Niloufar Ardalan, will miss the Asian Cup tournament as her sports journalist husband Mahdi Toutounchi has confiscated her passport in a domestic quarrel. “I am only a national soldier who fights to raise flag of our country. I wish a law would be approved that allows female soldiers to fight for raising the flag,” appealed Ardalan.
Sergio Ramos has suffered an acromioclavicular separation of his left shoulder which, in layman’s terms, translates as “has got his just deserts after taking a ludicrous dive against Shakhtar Donetsk”.
Manchester United’s Luke Shaw has been ruled out for six months after undergoing surgery on his double leg-gah!
Newcastle United have wished their new striker Aleksandar Mitrovic a happy birthday. “Happy 21st birthday to Aleksandar Mitrovic! He’s had lots of cards ...” they tweeted. Because it’s his birthday. And you get cards on your birthday. And he has had lots of yellow and red cards. So, really, it’s very funny.
Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany has said there was actually nothing wrong with his side’s performance against Juventus. “There was actually nothing wrong with our performance,” he parped, proving you can take The Fiver’s word for this sort of thing.
Liverpool’s Jordan Henderson has flown to New Jersey for treatment on his heel knack while half the Liverpool squad have not flown to France for their Big Vase-gah!
STILL WANT MORE?
“One of the great comedy venues goes dark.” Marina Hyde on José Mourinho’s banter ban at Chelsea.
In a piece which is more or less the intro to this Fiver, Scott Murray on how Arsenal blazed a TV trail, but had to compete for airtime with Douglas Byng’s relentless stream of double-entendre and barely disguised filth to do so.
An entire gallery of deserted stadiums that does not feature The Emirates once.
Paul Wilson more or less asks: are Everton the new Wigan – but in a good way?
Amy Lawrence on Maccabi Tel Aviv’s Eran Zahavi, the Messi of the Middle East who faces Chelsea tonight.
Can MLS teach the rest of the world a thing or two about video technology, wonders Caitlin Murray.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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