A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING
The Fiver well remembers the first time it attempted to produce a funny football-related tea-timely email: unfamiliarity with the layout of the keyboard (honest) led to a profusion of misspelt words and tasteless quips before a Purple Tin-fuelled rewrite led to a profusion of misspelt eff words and tasteless quips. How times have changed. We mention this reminiscence not to waste your time, readers, but to make a point (see, times really have changed), although the point has already been made much more eloquently by others (OK, OK, times haven’t changed).
The point, in case you’re interested, is that it’s hard doing something for the first time. The footballers of the Federated States of Micronesia have been putting forward that case well this week at the Pacific Games in Papua New Guinea. Sadly, that is about all they’ve been doing well. Because after a 30-0 defeat to Tahiti in their opening match at a tournament that doubles as the qualifiers for Big Sports Day, Micronesia lost 38-0 to Fiji and then, this morning, were edged out 46-0 by Vanuatu, although, in fairness, there was a suspicion of offside about Vanuatu’s 27th goal and it looked like there could have been a foul in the buildup to their 43rd. But Micronesia coach Stan Foster, betraying his inexperience, refused to blame the referee.
“It was boys against men,” confessed Foster, who may (or may not) have frizzy hair and a headband but is not a famous former Luton Town centre-half. Instead he is the manager of a hastily-assembled bunch of players who until this tournament had never played on a full-size pitch. “Most of these have never been out of their villages let alone on to another island,” shrugged Foster. “I took them to Guam the other day [and it was] the first time they’ve been on an elevator or an escalator. It’s been a huge step up for these guys and they’ve just been overawed really.” As the Fiver was waiting for Brendan Rodgers to venture that apart from conceding 114 goals in three games, Micronesia’s performances have been outstanding, Foster added: “It’s just so hard at this early stage – this is kindergarten for us. We have to learn and to know that when we go back we have to train harder and learn more skills.”
Vanuatu’s win, in which striker Jean Kaltack put in a strong bid for the Golden Boot award by plundering 16 goals, including three in first-half stoppage time, is being hailed by organisers as the biggest in international football history, but it is unlikely to be counted as such officially, since the tournament is only for U-23s and Micronesia are not affiliated to Fifa. So, officially, the highest international score remains the 31-0 soccerooing that flamin’ Australia inflicted on American Samoa in 2001. The Samoans learned the lessons from that defeat and later registered their first-ever victory against Tonga – 10 years later, admittedly, but still, it suggests that what looks like an utterly senseless massacre is in fact a platform on which to build. And rest assured, if ever there was a far-flung archipelago nation that resembled a fearsome indestructible cyborg, it’s the Federated States of Micronesia. They will be back. “I’ve been assured that we’ll be allowed to come back and that they’re aware that this is a development squad,” hurrahed Foster after hearing that tournament organisers have not written off an entire 607-island country on the basis of three bad results and no footballing infrastructure to speak of. “That was a big relief for me because I was really worried the organisers would take us out of the competition because of our scores.”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I was writing the book Luis Suárez had been in trouble again for biting another opponent. So when I needed a striker to complete my monstrous line-up he seemed to fit the bill” – author Peter Barron knows how to drum up a bit of publicity for his Daydreaming Daisy McCloud kids’ books. And it is quite the likeness.
FIVER LETTERS
“After years of dedicated readership, you’ve turned on me Fiver and had a crack at Aztec Camera in comparing their peerless music to the football stylings of Charlie Adam. You are Oblivious to the fact that I feel as though you’ve plunged a Knife into my back but fortunately Somewhere in my Heart I can find forgiveness for you (I could go on, but will spare you)” – Mark Oliver.
“Your Charlie Adam/Aztec Camera comparison is spot on (yesterday’s Fiver). Roddy Frame is delicate, profound, light of touch and a joy to behold and should be held up as a thing of beauty. Just like … oh” – Sam Carpenter.
“Re: 4,000 year-old kanji (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). As always, we can expect the very best of research from The Fiver. As anyone interested in languages (or 30 second Google search) could tell you, Kanji is the name given to the Chinese ‘hanzi’ adopted by Japan around 1,500 years ago. The initial representations that became hanzi actually started around 3,200 years ago. It almost feels like you just make it all up as you go along (or do it deliberately just to fill the letters section)“ – Craig Hills (and no others).
“I’m sorry Graham Smith seemed quite so angry (yesterday’s letters), and I worry that my email on Friday may have pushed him over the edge. A couple of points of order, though. Firstly, although comic understatement is one of my many gifts, I would suggest it’s a substantial leap from ‘Supporting Liverpool has had its ups and downs’ to ‘A lifetime of pain and misery’. Secondly, I didn’t deny that Liverpool’s success had anything to do with my fandom. In fact, the whole point of my email was that we had no geographical or any other ties to these teams, so picking a team involved a certain amount of glory hunting. Thirdly, well, actually, I agree with his other point. His email wasn’t funny. So, inaccurate and unfunny? Maybe he should start writing for the Fiver” – Matt Dony.
‘Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Mark Oliver.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United are hoping to plug the long-standing leak at right-back with Torino’s Matteo Darmian. “Darmian is an extraordinary player who will want to try and win [Big Cup] one day,” Torino chief suit Urban Cairo price-hiked.
Louis van Gaal is also hopeful of securing Morgan Schneiderlin before Man Utd’s summer tour to America gets going next week, after their initial £25m bid was rejected.
Leighton Baines will miss Everton’s pre-season trip to shake the collection-tin in Singapore after failing to recover from ankle-knack surgery in time.
Southampton, meanwhile, have announced the signing of defender Cuco Martina from Twente. “I’ve followed Southampton now for two years and I see they are now a big club,” the defender glory-hunted.
Liverpool have granted Mario Balotelli compassionate leave after he missed the first day of pre-season training.
And miffed Blackpool fans want to rescue their club from the gutter. “Blackpool Supporters’ Trust has tabled a £16m bid to buy the club from owners Owen Oyston and his family,” said a statement that quickly began to fume, thus making it an open letter. “The action you take in responding to this bid is just as important to the future of the Football Club as was your decision to buy the Club for £1 in 1987. The question now facing you and your family is whether you still care enough about the well-being and reputation of Blackpool FC to sell it (ie. your complete shareholding in Segesta) to the Trust for just over £16m.”
STILL WANT MORE?
‘He was the enigma’s enigma.’ Jamie Jackson packs his Bletchley Park references into this blog about Nani.
Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals! Goals!
Did Carli Lloyd produce the greatest ever performance in a US title game? asks DJ Gallo, who did not write the highly acclaimed 1996 album Entroducing.
Get your hands on tickets for an extra special, season previewing, live, on-stage edition of Football Weekly. AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Rafa Honigstein, Paul MacInnes and Gregg Bakowski will be treading the boards in London on Thursday 6 August.
Hey hipster! Here’s your Serie A alternative club guide on Udinese.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
GOOD LUCK JAUNTY!
