AT LAST THE 1938 SHOW
The ££££$$€£$£$$€€99p€$$£££est prize in sport is up for grabs on Wednesday evening: automatic promotion to the Premier League! It’s something that’s also quite valuable in the more abstract world of potential and possibility, guaranteeing the victors the chance next season to either surprisingly top the table after three games before being relegated in last place with a pathetic whimper, or be thoroughly patronised for doing significantly better than all the predictions which had you to go straight back down, having been written by folk who hadn’t seen you play since 1991 and simply assumed you were still managed by Dave Bassett.
Yes folks, it’s on. Nasty Leeds we know are already up as champions, part of this eerie 1964 flashback, a series of scarcely believable coincidences that also include Liverpool winning the league, Coventry topping the third division, a character in Coronation Street buying a pint in the Rovers Return, and something to do with the Pope. But who will join them? West Bromwich Albion are in the box seat, and can guarantee promotion if they beat QPR. Given they had been 10 points clear of third-placed Brentford before the restart, it’d be something of a stumble over the line, though their manager is pushing a substance-over-style philosophy. “The prize is not that somebody’s going to clap you or you’re going to get a standing ovation, the prize is the Premier League,” says Fred Sirieix, maître d’hawthorns. And there’s him supposedly an expert in customer satisfaction. For shame.
Should the Baggies end with a stutter, either Brentford or Fulham could take advantage. Fulham have got good again without The Fiver noticing – we assume they’re still managed by Micky Adams – though they need to beat in-form Wigan, and for West Brom to lose and Brentford to fail to beat a Barnsley side desperate for survival themselves. Brentford, meanwhile, will go up if they do for the bottom side while West Brom fail to win. Despite being the standard bearers for statistical analysis, objectively proven by scientists to be the most boring subject in the world, Brentford’s rise would be something of a fairytale, especially for nonagenarians like The Fiver, who remember their doomed 1937-38 title bid like it was yesterday. Oh £6,000 star striker David McCulloch! If only the goals didn’t dry up after you went seven points clear of eventual champions Arsenal! Perhaps after all these years, it’s time for your descendants to start righting some wrongs. Good luck, everyone!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The confidence is so crazy – crazy low. I don’t know why it should be, but you get into a state of trying to minimise as much damage as you can and it’s a dangerous way to do things” – Watford company man Ben Foster just can’t put his finger on why the mood music around Vicarage Road is more Adagio for Strings than We Like To Party! Nope.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Introducing our all-singing, all-dancing women’s transfer interactive for 2020, featuring the latest deals and club-by-club guides for the WSL and leagues in Italy, France, Germany and Spain.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join Max and co for the latest Football Weekly podcast. And there’s a new Forgotten Stories of Football episode, which you can listen to right here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Brendan Rodgers working in a one-horse town (yesterday’s Fiver). If you mean Swansea, I’d have you know we have at least three horses” – Peter Phillips.
“The best thing about Tuesday’s Aston Villa v Arsenal match: the drinks break at 10°C. Who says modern football is not fun?” – Bogdan Kotarlic.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Despite playing with lighter balls, modern footballers could be at greater risk of neurodegenerative disease from head injuries than their predecessors. “It’s the speed more than the weight that has the significance in this,” said Dr Willie Stewart, the academic leading a landmark study into the phenomenon.
Administrators for Wigan have identified a preferred bidder and hope to exchange contracts on 31 July.
Milan have performed a screeching U-turn on their decision to hire Ralf Rangnick as manager and handed Stefano Pioli, who has overseen a 10-game unbeaten run as caretaker boss, a two-year extension instead. “We have decided that I will not take a role at the club,” blabbed Rangnick, who will trouser compensation cash despite having done the square root of naff all to earn it.
Jürgen Klopp believes Liverpool have written a rip-roaring football story this season. “We won the league seven matches before the season ends, which is absolutely incredible,” he yelped. “This one, I think nobody will ever forget. It’s not possible.”
After watching the Queen’s Celtic get thrashed 4-0 in a pre-season warm-up by PSG, Neil Lennon had nothing friendly to say about Neymar’s on-pitch antics. “He was just trying to wind people up,” barked Lennon. “I said to the players you just have to keep your discipline and not take the bait. He is infuriating but he knows it.”
And Scottish football has registered no new cases of Covid-19 for the second week running, before the new season kicks off in – checks notes – 10 days’ time!
STILL WANT MORE?
The time has come to give black footballers mentors they can believe in, writes former Crystal Palace player Moses Swaibu, who now heads up a youth charity.
He’s taken his time but Mahmoud Trezeguet has finally found his feet at Aston Villa – and his winner against Arsenal may make him a Holte End hero, reckons Ed Aarons.
Did Wigan score the most goals ever in the first half of a competitive match? The Knowledge investigates so you don’t have to.
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