It's Wednesday, it's 8 o'clock ... it's American Idol. Just like it was at Tuesday at 8 o'clock, and will this week also be on Thursday. At 8 o'clock. Fox have eaten all the prunes: they are nothing if not regular.
8.04pm (somewhere): "Last night, 12 people had a shot to Change Their Lives ..." says Ryan Seacrest, leaving us wondering how this sentence could possibly end well.
"Most of them ... Won't have."
"Where did it ALL go Wrong?"
"Previously, most have them will have experienced a lot of success. Well, now they'll taste FAILURE!"
But of course he doesn't say that, because he is the mightly-tiny Seacrest, and only says nice things. Remember, it's the one rule of modern talent shows: You have to bring a British person in if you want to be mean. (Hello!)
He says that it was now in the hands of America, blah blah blah - This IS American IDOL!
8.05pm: We get a quick overview of the contestants, it starts with the words "I'm a stay-at-home mom" (Lil Rounds) "I was born completely blind" (Scott MacIntyre), so I think we know who the producers are crossing their fingers and knocking on wood for...
8.07pm: "We've seen what they can do, let's see how good their choreography is!" says Seacrest, which sounds weird - but then the group rendition of some bouncy Katy Perry fluff begins, and we realise the actual question here is: How well can THESE people mime?!
And the answer is not well. Oh dear me, not well at all. Watch it once, watch it twice - it doesn't get any better.
Adding to this, half the choreography has to be sitting down in order to make it safe and fair for Scott - but BOY do they look uncomfortable: all the boys, in a row, doing 'seat-dancing'.
And miming. If you watch nothing else watch this. Lipsyching has never been suckier.
8.16pm: Almost twenty minutes in - do know who might be through? Do we hell. We have seen a recap of how they got here. We've seen a recap of how it went last night. We've seen a full advert break, into which they tried to keep us from straying from the channel by hiding an 'unseen audition' in the middle (it didn't work). And finally, finally, they're about to announce it... Ryan's dimmed the lights...
8.19pm: He asks Lil Rounds to stand up.
"Lil" he says ... "Congratulations, you're through"
YAY!
Lil Rounds is through to the final 12
8.22pm: - "Arianna, stand up. Taylor, stand up; Alex, stand up, Kendall, stand up; Scott, stand up ..." Five at once, again, Seacrest? Pressed for time, are you?
"Take a look at these faces. One of them will be going through. Which one? Find out after the ..." GAH! " ...break".
8.28pm: "If you are looking for results, you have come to the right place" says Ryan. Yes, you've come to the right place, please make yourself comfortable, we're going to keep you here ALL DAY.
Ryan goes through each contestant - not literally, not, like, with a sword or anything - and recaps some of the judges best and worst comments and asks how they feel.
Arianna, he gets to stand up again, and throws her to the floor. She's out.
Taylor, he stands up ... and sends home. She sits down. If we carry on like this is HAS to be one of the last two in the line, otherwise it doesn't make any sense.
Alex - no, the hamster-tiger will not be going through.
That leaves Kendall Beard - who still sounds like some kins of commercial pubic wig line "Here, John is sporting the Kendall-beard", and Scott MacIntyre.
And it's Scott! Hurrah hurrah - the nation loves Bruce Hornsby and his boring range - Scott MacIntyre is the eighth person through to the finals!
He sings again. I go and make a cup of tea.
8.36pm: Back after a break - Nathaniel and Kristen, the partial-peroxide twins: asked to stand up both at once ... because, as it turns out, they're both made of FAIL. They will have to go home, to play with damaging hair-chemicals on their own time ... Bye bye, people. I will SORELY miss you.
8.39pm: Von and Felicia - that loud one, and the one brought back to replace the other one who got chucked out - they stand up at once. And then sit down ... because the competition for them is over.
"For now" says Ryan, knowing that Von is pretty much a lock to at least have a stab at the wild card round.
8.39pm: Ju'Not and Jorge are called to stand in the middle.
They both look nervous, but you suddenly notice the size discrepancy between them. Ryan asks some questions of them both. Again, it's so noticeable that Jorge has taken some kind of serious intensive dialect coaching. He's Apple Pie. Albeit quite spicy apple pie.
And that turns out well for him; pays off.
Jorge Nuñez is, hurrah for him (though sad for Ju'Not, who also deserved the break) through to the finals.
And now a break, and after that, scintillating news about who we can expect to be in tomorrow's Wild Card show ...
8.45pm: "We're going to start to reveal the judges Wild Card picks in a minute, but first, lets meet the nine you've already chosen!"
Yes folks, during the break they've made everyone on the stools run up the stairs and run down again while Seacrest says their name out loud. And people say this is drawn out! Gosh no! It's all completely neccesary!
8.56am:
Ok, heres the Wild Card round: in order:
He's a loudhailer on legs: Von Smith!
Jasmine Murray! Half cat, half fish, ALL lungpower!
We never gave him the screen time he deserved, and we feel bad about it, it's Ricky Braddy!
Her tattoo is bigger than yours, it's Megan Joy Corkrey!
Tatiana Del Toro because we need someone to bring their crazy. And she has. Check that dress for starters!
OOOH! I thought I'd never get to say it again, he's a duelling pianist from Kalamazoo, it's Matt Giraud!
Jesse Langseth is a soulful redhead who cannot believe her ears!
and last but not least ... come on ... come on.
ANOOOOOOP! Yes, Anoop Desai is the last man in the Wild Card round tomorrow.
9.00pm: So there we have it. Tomorrow night will be those eight, singing to impress the judges for the last three places in the finals.
But who will get through? I know who I would like but then ... there are already six men in the final, and three women: will the judges pick all girls to even it up?
I think probably not, but am willing to bet on a two girls one chap ratio, as some kind of nod toward equality.
In which case ...
Jasmine, Megan and Ricky?
Not who I'd put through ... but frankly, I'm not a multi-bulty-trillionaire record producer, so what do I know?
What do you think? If you think anything. Or care at all.
Well whatever - I'll be back tomorrow night when we find out, fecking FINALLY, who those final twelve finalists will be.
