They've finally gone from 120,000 auditionees to 36 singers, desperate to be the next American Idol. In this, the first show, with the first twelve singers to be voted on by the public - nerves could triumph over confidence; song choices could irrevocably wreck the one remaining chance of these bubbling young hopefuls.
But how did they fare? Find out below in our note-by-note recap of all the nights performances and chances of survival. And (as ever) this blog is being published after the US showing, but before the UK one, so if you're in the UK don't like SPOILERS then you shouldn't read this yet. If you don't like American Idol, you shouldn't read it ever. But if you're anywhere outside those two venn circles, or the intersect between them, then, you know …
8pm Ryan Seacrest's here, in his lovely woolly jumper to tell the world what the world needed most to hear: that sometime within the next several weeks, a star will be born. Slowly, sometimes painfully, and with an awful lot of high pitched screaming on the way. Welcome, he says, to American Idol.
He takes us to one side, and introduces us to the judges. "A man we've missed so much - he's been in the UK for like six months" (Rubbish, he only pops back for The X-Factor filming; I doubt he even stays overnight most of the time). He then asks them all for their sage words of advice to the contestants. Randy says something lovable involving the word 'Dawg'. Kara bounces around a little. Paula? Paula pauleates all over the subject …
"You know what? This is all you dream, right? You have to take that centre stage - and do what you can in one minute and 30 seconds otherwise you can look to the left to the right, and whoever is better than you? You're going home; it's a tough, you know, type of a season this year."
"…Well that sums it up" lies Ryan, kindly, knowing full well it doesn't but that she was never going to stop otherwise.
Simon sums up his advice - which is, most years "sing well" - by saying something about the decision making process this year being even more complex than usual. And yes. It is.
Ryan explains: The vote taken after the live show will end up with three people going through - The girl with the highest number of votes - the guy with the highest number of votes, and then the next highest voted person after that. That's how it will go for three shows, and then the last three will be filled by a mad clusterf*ck to the final involving people who've already left this round, and maybe others. There's also some kind of wild card thing. Don't ask.
There are always problems with these first shows are that people get nervous, choose a crazy song, try too hard, and everything goes wrong. Luckily, we've got a nice constricting list for the 36 to choose from to make it easier for them: "Hits from the Billboard top 100 - since the charts began".
So that's practically every song ever, then. Brilliant. No possibility for disaster there at ALL.
First up: Jackie Tohn - that rock-voiced diva, slightly older, with a wealth of experience to bring to the competition, sings Elvis Presley's A Little Less Conversation with what sounds like a light drum-machine/calypso backing. The judges are scathing about her vocal performance, but thought she was a very goof entertainer; Simon counters that while he usually likes her vocals, tonight he wasn't really that hot on the entertainment angle either.
"Ricky Braddy," says Ryan, introducing the next contestant "You had to give up your job to pursue this dream. Tell us a little about that: you were selling chicken fingers, right?" … weirdly, he has nothing much more to add to that. He does stress that he realised it probably wasn't his dream job. I don't think anyone currently working in chicken-vending should take that to heart.
Ricky is singing a song by Leon Russell - a musical legend this poor little British fool has never heard of: though a quick search on google establishes that he looks like a cross between Rasputin and Col Sanders, so for little Chicken Bucket Boy here. He's very good. He's got a great voice and he should go far … but he's not a powerful character, as Simon points out in his comments. He's not yet a star. And he hasn't seen much camera-time in these last few Hollywood shows because of that, so will the audience think enough of him to vote him through?
Kara thinks they should. She tells him he was amazing, incredible, and uses so many over-effusive adjectives you wonder if someone's filled her cereal bowl with Prozac this morning. She needs to save some for other people. And also to step off the mic a little in these live shows. It's a bit like getting an anonymous phonecall from a hormonal cheerleader. She's so intent on eating the electronics you can hear her tonsils standing up to applaud you.
Next up, Alexis Grace, the clean-cut army wife, mother of a tiny toddler - "We told you to dirty yourself up: and you found the dirty, girl!" says Randy, admiringly. She has and all. She steps up to sing I Never Loved a Man wearing gigantic shiny black heels, a tiny wee lacy black slip and long strings of pearls that somehow make the whole outfit teeter on the fence between
Suddenly a shot of the crowd applauding little Alexis G as she leaves the stage: and there, ladies and gentlemen, we find Neil Patrick Harris and Ted Danson. And why not?
Brent Keith - a hard-working man from a home improvement store, who decides to go back to his country roots and sing a song called Hicktown - which may say a lot about how he is, but sadly doesn't seem to show much of what he can do. It's perhaps a safe choice of song (a forgettable choice, says Simon) and while he's determined that the audience will see him as a country artist and will vote for him on that basis … the judges don't seem too sure. And to be fair, you'd think there was something in the whole big world of country music that displayed more than a range of about five notes.
Stevie Wright is one of the youngest here, very much still a teenager - so singing some piece of light fluffy "date me, date me!" crap by Taylor Hicks should be a natural fit.
Except that the songs that have got her through to this point have all been ones that display her ability to handle something with a bit of soul and age. And dear sweet little girl that she is - really shouldn't have been allowed to pick something with the two lines so deep she frankly should have just burped her way through it.
I would have voted for her if she'd have done that. I really totally would.
ANOOOOOOOOOP! Ahem. Anoop Desai is here - and, I just notive, he has the same eyebrows as Paula, which shouldn't be discounted as a judge-swaying decision. But his performance of Angel of Mine by Monica. It's an odd choice … so syrupy, so flopsy, and he seems to struggle through it a little. Oh. I have a bad feeling about Anoop.
The judges say - he was a little sharp - Kara says she agrees with Randy. In fact, she keeps saying that. I'm hoping that the judges change seats occasionally so she can blindly agree with someone else for a bit. They conclude: wrong song, out of tune, but by golly that boy's likable.
Casey Carlson works in a tea shop in Minneapolis, if you ever want to look her up. Which you probably will, because she's very hot, and you shouldn't have too much trouble doing so, because she'll be back there in a few weeks. She sings Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by the Police. It's a very karaoke rendition, and the return of that light calypso drum machine doesn't help. The judges' verdict is unanimous: wrong song, sung badly, they say, one after the other. Randy hates it: Kara says "I have to agree with Randy." Yeah, no kidding.
Michael 'Roughneck' Sarver sings I Don't Wanna Be… by Gavin Degraw - another country number, but at least one that allows him to show a bit of range and a lot of likeability. The judges like him, don't like the song, but hope the audience sees past that.
Ann Marie Boskovich is the woman who was sent out of the audition room with instructions to come back with a starry attitude. She did, she got through, and now she's here.
She sings Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin - it's OK. It's slightly too attitudey, maybe, but in tune, at least: but she does keep bloody pointing. "YOU make me feel," she sings arm out straight, index finger stabbing at the camera. I am wondering if I make her feel like she wants me as a new recruit. I am not signing up. Neither are the judges: The song deserved a bigger, stronger voice, they say. They just weren't convinced of the choice, they say. "If we were searching for the best hotel singer in California..."
"I haven't been able to show who I am as an artist" says Stephen Fowler - who isn't kidding, but that's what'll happen when you repeatedly forget the lyrics to everything. Stephen has been very careful to reduce the changes of that this time, with his choice of song - I Wanna Rock With You, by The Michael Jackson. And that's one of the main problems the judges have. Because, let's face it, if you come at the king, you best not miss. The judges say the same. Bad enough he should have chosen this song, they say, a song that doesn't seem to represent him at all - but it's probably the getting most of the notes wrong that will end up being the killer blow.
Can this be last? Tatiana Del Toro, weeping whirlwind of a woman - sings Saving All My Love For You, and should have the same problem: but she holds it down, and while she makes a bizarre revelation - or at least seems to. Though she cries in her preview video, once she gets on stage, there's drama in the singing - but no histrionics otherwise. She listens to the judges, silently smiling like a Stepford wife.
They don't like it. She smiles and says she's not really like that, not really. She had no idea how the experience would effect her, she got over-excited. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've been had. And if that's the case, she should be thrown overboard at the soonest opportunity. Being secretly boring is easily as terrible an offence as any other I've ever heard …
Then suddenly: Oh! Another one! I forgot Danny Gokey was in this first round. He's singing Hero. You know, by Mariah Carey, and one of so many people's favourite songs. Shoe-in. And he's cute, of course. Shoe-in. And also everyone loves him because he has a very sad story that we won't go into again. We'll bring up his personal tragedy of being a widower at such a young age next round. Oh bum, I did it again already. Still: Shoe-in.
Paula's almost as excited as the audience, who stand up and whoop their little hearts out. "I have two words!" She shouts. Then rethinks "Two words with hyphens! SOLD OUT ARENAS!"
"I like you, Danny" says Simon, "But I'm not buying the Hype. Not tonight"
No, well I suppose you wouldn't would you? Because you've been the one peddling it for the last six weeks, and that would just be a dreadful waste of money, wouldn't it?
We pan to the audience and see Danny's best friend, Jamar in the audience. Weird. But good. Because (a) he was brilliant and (b) I still have no idea what his tattoos say.
Maybe, and here's hoping, his tattoos secretly and psychicly announce who will be voted through in the first three. Because I have no idea. I'm going to say: just for the hell of it:
Boy Danny Gokey
Girl Alexis Grace - though possibly the teenager, just for the empathy vote.
Other: Anoop Desai.
But if I'm honest with myself, I don't really think Jamar's tattoos really say that: that would be a dreadful waste of skin space. However, what would be great is they really say: "I'll be back tomorrow with the first three vote announcement - and I'll probably just do it live (in my timezone, PT), so if anyone does happen to be reading in that timezone - please - read and comment. Yay!"
Because I will. And you should. Idol and out.
