Confirmation that Barack Obama wishes to rid the world of nuclear weapons has caused speculation as to how the United States means to maintain its strategic dominance of a troubled world.
The uncertainty comes to an end with news that Twilight star Robert Pattinson is set to star in Ohio, the upcoming movie about the 1970 shooting of anti-war protesters at Kent State University - alongside both High School Musical star Zac Efron and Justin Timberlake.
Please take a look at that line-up again. Timberlake. Efron. Pattinson. What is this, if not an audacious attempt by the west to confront its enemies using not the threat of thermonuclear war, but the infinitely more awesome power of a billion screaming girls?
Clearly, Ohio is not a movie. It is a 21st-century superweapon, designed to harness not just the burgeoning sexuality of every teenage girl, but all the confusing and unnameable feelings of every tweenage girl, in a cinematic product which, if calculations are accurate, could destroy entire cities - worlds even - with a single screening.
To your supplies of duct tape and canned goods, you are hereby advised to add popcorn.
