Want a job in the fashion field? Thinking of apprenticeships, training, degrees? Don't be a fool. Everyone knows that whatever you want to do in the heady world of fashion, there's a televised competition that can speed you straight to the top. Or, you know, kind of.
Just over five years ago, the search for America's Next Top Model began. A few short weeks later - fortuitously by the end of the documentary series following the search - she was found!
But she can't have been very good, because a few months later, the started looking for America's NEXT Next Top Model. Ten cycles later, and they're still looking - the search comes to an end once again this week here in the States ... a few weeks before it starts again. Poor Tyra and her tireless soldiers - it seems the search for the holy grail would warrant fewer seasons.
In the meantime many other countries started to search for theirs. Germany, Brazil, Britain and more than a dozen others; everyone wanted a new Top Model of their own.
And of course, when a reality franchise works quite so well, it would be a shame to leave it there. Already done the model thing? Well, why not search for other things that can feed into that mania.
So having become a top model, you can now dress exclusively in clothes designed by Project Runway's winning designer (Or Project Catwalk if you were in the UK), which would have been chosen for by your stylist, one of the contestants from Glam God (or to give it its full name, Glam God with Vivica A Fox. Altogether now ... 1-2-3 WHO?). Once your outfit was chosen, you would have your hair done by the winning sylist from Shear Genius, your makeup slapped on by one of the Blush contestants (not the winner - it's only just started after all) so that you can have your photo taken by a fashion photographer discovered by The Shot. Perhaps (why not?) the shoot could take place in the chic surroundings of your complimentary winner's apartment, fitted out by the interior designers of Top Design.
And where would that photo appear? Why, on the pages of a fashion magazine, put there by a contestant from Stylista, the search for an assistant to Elle's fashion editor, that desperately wants to be The Devil Wears Prada and is filled with some of the most vain and detestable idiots ever to walk the earth. It is, of course, terribly popular – expect it to run and run.
And with each new show, of course, comes a whole bunch of catchphrases. Some are upbeat, mid-show ones, like Project Runway's Tim Gunn chirping "Make it work, people!". But most are the increasingly cringe-worthy "You're fired!" lines used to dismiss a competitor from the show. "You're out" is plain and straightforward. "That was your last cut" is the kind of thing one might, at a push, say to a hairdresser, I suppose. But "Keep reaching for the stars ... because you aren't ready to style them" and "See you later, decorator" are sets of words it's just cruel to put in someone's mouth, let alone say to anyone.
And one has to wonder what might be left to cover now in the beauty or fashion industry. I don't doubt someone's pitched it (there's already a reality show about it), but I'm just not sure there's any mileage in the idea of 12 contestants battling it out to give the best spray tan, week after week after week. And of course body-hair waxing is a TERRIBLY competitive field, but what are they going to say to the losing beautician each week? "I'm sorry ... but Jennifer, you missed a bit"?
The cancellation-monster rumbles onward, chewing up fannish dreams as it goes. Last week, the news that some schleppy lady-drama called Lipstick Jungle is at risk of the axe, was followed by the inevitable internet uprising. Fans of Arrested Development sent bananas, fans of Jericho sent peanuts, fans of Lipstick Jungle are being encouraged to send ... yeah, lipstick. It's not really quite so creative, that one.
But interestingly, they're trying not only to badger the networks, but to pander to the sponsors at the same time. Someone calling themselves lipstickjungleemployee has not only asked people to send lipstick as a protest, but to send a particular (incidentally horrendous) brand of lipstick, and has even provided a link to the exact type people should buy, never use, and send to a TV executive who would then throw it away. Now, call me naturally suspicious, but I'm damned if that doesn't sound like one of the most pathetically cynical marketing ploys I've ever heard in my life.
And just as a final thought, just in case you haven't bought all your Christmas presents yet (What are you thinking? There are barely 30 shopping days left! HURRY!), and just in case you're stuck for that special someone in your life that has everything they could possibly want but just loves Dexter - your grandmother, perhaps - then here, for your delectation, is a collection of Dexter-inspired tablewear and art pieces, as used in the most recent marketing campaign. Granted, the missing-prong cutlery is more aesthetic than practical, but the crockery is simply smashing.
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