I started dating a man recently and we really hit it off. I’m worried, however, because he can’t climax when we get physical. He says it’s the first time he has experienced this problem. We’ve tried numerous things to aid the pleasure of the act, but without success. He has no issue getting and maintaining an erection. He has mentioned that I make him nervous, though. Do you have any advice?
This new man has already given you all the information you need to help fix this – plain and simple, you make him nervous. “Trying numerous things” is only increasing the pressure on him to reach orgasm, so stop it. Instead of making sex something you need to “do well” or “do the way you think it should be done”, remove all goals and just play together instead. If the object of love-making can be simply to give and receive pleasure, orgasm is more likely to occur as a natural by-product. But, in order to reach orgasm, some men require a very particular type of stimulation. So, if he still has not climaxed after a considerable amount of truly enjoyable and relaxed eroticism has occurred between you, you could ask him to show you how he self-pleasures, then learn to apply the same technique. Eventual success in manual stimulation could be the ice-breaker, leading to other routes to orgasm.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
